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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > I finally emailed my father
I finally emailed my father  [message #62100] Sat, 24 April 2010 02:09 Go to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



After sitting on his email address for a year I took the plunge and did it.



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
What are you now feeling?  [message #62101 is a reply to message #62100] Sat, 24 April 2010 02:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Gay Deceiver is currently offline  The Gay Deceiver

Really getting into it
Location: Canada
Registered: December 2003
Messages: 869




Is this something you needed to do ... or that you felt obligated in having to do?

If you father responds, are you going to achieve some sort of resolution and closure?

Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada



"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
Re: What are you now feeling?  [message #62102 is a reply to message #62101] Sat, 24 April 2010 03:09 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



I'm feeling happy I sent it but cynical about getting a response. The man has had 25 years to be a part of my life. And he's never done anything about it. The only time he met me was when I was 15, and my Nan and me initiated that.

Maybe he's been waiting for me all this time, but he could have been a part of my life, even a small one, if he really wanted to. Something is better than nothing.

I've felt more motivated to finally get in touch with him over the last year, though. My brother's father committed suicide last year. It made me realise that I don't have forever to get in touch with mine.

I don't know if there will be any resolution or closure. That's up to him. He never helped me financially and I'm still studying, finances are still a problem. He's reasonably wealthy, I wish he'd help on that front. Or if not, I wish he'd invite me to Christmas or Boxing Day. Or if not, I wish he'd let me establish a relationship with my two half-brothers.

I've been very depressed recently, very unmotivated. I have low self-esteem. I don't think meeting my father will be a silver bullet for that. But maybe getting to know him a bit more will help me better understand myself. Or maybe (and this is probably naively optimistic) he can provide some sort of fathering that will help me get through. I feel that I'm missing a part of myself due to not having that dual influence growing up. He's successful, he's obviously worked hard. I'm still failing Uni and I'm lazy and unmotivated. It's probably too late to change that- but I wish he could have taught me his secrets to success.



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
I sometimes wonder ...  [message #62103 is a reply to message #62102] Sat, 24 April 2010 03:47 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Gay Deceiver is currently offline  The Gay Deceiver

Really getting into it
Location: Canada
Registered: December 2003
Messages: 869




... just how I might have turned out had my father and mother, when I was age-10, not reconciled that one last time; whether my brother and I might have been better off had they not; whether he and I might have gotten to know our grand parents on both sides of our family more fully had my parent's troubled marriages not placed us at opposite ends of the continent, and sometimes the World, and far removed from their influence and potential counsel; whether I especially might have come to know my father, less as what I now suspect was a "closeted and married gay" man, and more of a free spirit and mentor; whether my brother and I would not have had the falling out we had in later years when he threatened to kill me, requiring that I insulate myself from him entirely for the better part of ten years, with us reconciling only in the days prior to his death.

Saben, so many whethers, and whatevers, haunt me in these my declining years, that oftentimes judgment calls that should be made are deferred, or not made at all, and I find myself being crippled by the uncertainty of that past. Please do not make the mistakes I have made. Be sure in yourself, always; About who you are? Where you came from? Where you're going? How you plan to get there? And, just what it is that you're going to do when you do get there?

Having the answers to those questions, whilst not any guarantee of either success or happiness, will provide sanity and stability and security; three factors often missing from my own because I always seemed to be lost in the "Woulda, coulda, shoulda" quagmire of never accepting what was. simply for just what it was, and my always having questioned whether it might have been different if only ...

Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada



"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
His reply  [message #62106 is a reply to message #62100] Sat, 24 April 2010 05:02 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



Saben,

I wondered when this email would come. I understand why you would feel the way you do but I have often thought about you.

The reason I never contacted you when you were younger was that I felt that I did not have the right to “interfere”. I often drove past your house hoping to get a glimpse of you. Over the years I have read a lot of your blogs and searched for photos of you over the internet. I have followed you from a distance.

I keep a photo of you that your Grandmother gave me years ago in my wallet with the photos of Dan & Tom.

I can’t change the past but I can be part of your life now if that’s what you want.

This is obviously a work email and I am about to knock off for the day so text me your number and I will call you.



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
Re: His reply  [message #62108 is a reply to message #62106] Sat, 24 April 2010 07:57 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



This sounds hopeful

The worst that can happen is the status quo. Do not expect miracles, but anticipate friendship.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: His reply  [message #62111 is a reply to message #62108] Sat, 24 April 2010 08:06 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



I wasn't expecting a response. Especially not so soon. So I don't know how to reply.

I do think his reason for not contacting me was a bit of a cop out, though. "Didn't want to interfere" was legitimate before I met him at 14. By that point I expressed interest in staying in touch, Mum didn't mind (even if she did by that age I'm old enough to make my own decision) and he still didn't. I didn't either. But he's the parent.

I don't want to be so keen to have him as a part of my life that I instantly forgive him and accept his every excuse. But at the same time the email is a little promising.

He hasn't yet mentioned his wife, though. Maybe she was a part of why he didn't have much contact with me. I think I'll sit on the email rather than call/ text and shoot him a reply on Tuesday (Monday is ANZAC day, a public holiday).


He sounds like a bit of a stalker, though. I hope he hasn't read too much of what I've posted online! ^_^;;



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
Re: His reply  [message #62112 is a reply to message #62111] Sat, 24 April 2010 08:13 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



If you were a distant father you would try to see what the son you left was doing. And the internet is a valid way of doing this.

Expect friendship, and hope for nothing more. You and he have no idea who the other one is. There is trust to win on both sides. This is a quiet exercise, to be undertaken peacefully.

Don't keep him in suspense, nor rush towards him. This is not two folk running towards each other on a beach in slow motion, this is real life and each of you has raw emotions, hurt and blame to work through.

I would text hm to say you are not yet ready to speak, but would like to be in touch by email for a while first, and suggest he uses his home email. I woudl not wait until Tuesday, but I woudl also not do it as a matter of urgency. You need to discover if you even like each other.

[Updated on: Sat, 24 April 2010 08:14]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: His reply  [message #62114 is a reply to message #62111] Sat, 24 April 2010 08:22 Go to previous messageGo to next message
acam is currently offline  acam

On fire!
Location: UK
Registered: July 2007
Messages: 1849



Why, Saben, do you want him not to see what you posted? Surely you aren't ashamed of what you post? You have strong and clear opinions and express them clearly and forcefully and if you believe them (I'm convinced you do) then why not let anyone see them.

My father died in 1989 without ever talking to me about sex and sexuality. I regret that I never dared bring the subject up and I guess he didn't dare either. Like Warren, I suspect my father had a homosexual past and I'd *really* like to know.

I wonder whether being open with him risks losing much that is important. What have you got to lose? If you are to have a friendly relationship I'd say it would be better if it was between the people you really are rather than each acting out the person he thinks the other expects him to be.

Love,
Anthony
Re: His reply  [message #62115 is a reply to message #62112] Sat, 24 April 2010 08:24 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



A problem is I'm almost totally broke at the moment and have no phone credit.

But other than that I agree.

I'm not trying to be too timid to contact him. But I am too timid too phone him. That's too much for me when I don't know where I stand and don't know what I want or expect or want to expect.



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
Re: His reply  [message #62116 is a reply to message #62114] Sat, 24 April 2010 08:29 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



I wouldn't want a father I've only ever had dinner with once to know more about my sex life than he does about my favourite food.

I don't know his politics. His beliefs. His ethics. Yet potentially he could know a lot about mine.

A google of my real name turns up mostly political discussions. So they are "safer"- even though I'm still very non-mainstream in my political beliefs. But I wouldn't want him to read my opinion, on say, the age of consent. At least not until he is my friend.



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
Re: His reply  [message #62120 is a reply to message #62116] Sat, 24 April 2010 09:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



Well, you put those opinions out there, that's the thing.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: His reply  [message #62121 is a reply to message #62115] Sat, 24 April 2010 10:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I think he is going to call you, isn't he? Is Oz a nation where you pay to receive a cellphone call?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Saben ...  [message #62125 is a reply to message #62116] Sat, 24 April 2010 17:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Gay Deceiver is currently offline  The Gay Deceiver

Really getting into it
Location: Canada
Registered: December 2003
Messages: 869




.. do not be judgmental of this man whom you hardly, if at all, know; not unless you too are willing to equally bear the burden of similar scrutiny at his hands.

Timmy's counsel is wise; remembering first and foremost that you are not beholden to like the man just because he is your father. An offer of friendship is simply that; but, it could become a talking-point to something more enduring, and meaningful; but, this will never occur should either of you bear false witness to who each of you are, where you each have been, where you each are going, and what either of you intend on doing once you arrive.

My eldest son, because of his mother's separation from his father at age-3, never really had the opportunity to know his father other than through the eyes, and mouth, of his mother; and the less that was said was considered to be best. Alan had been my Ward for more than a year when at age-16 he asked me if I would mind his going and trying to live with his father in Texas. After protracted discussion with his mother, I made all the arrangements, providing him with an open-ended aeroplane ticket, a Canadian Debit-card (this was 1986 and American Debit-cards were valid only either east or west of the Mississippi, not both, and then only at sponsoring financial institutions, whereas the Canadian Debit-cards were valid World-wide through the just then emerging Interac Network), a 1-800 Number that would reach me anytime, anywhere I might be World-wide and a couple of suitcases full of new clothing. This was June, which would give him and his father some two-months to get accustomed to one another before the start of the next school year. Alan returned to Toronto at Christmas of that year, in time for the second semester at school in January. He asked that he thereafter be known by his middle-name (Alan, and not his first-name Larry), saying that he had found in the intervening six-months that he really didn't like his father and didn't want to be called by his name; and that what his mother had been saying all those years had had no bearing on his reasons for disliking his father; simply that he didn't like him very much at all.

Some 9-years later Alan, then in the midst of a working tour of the Southern U. S., would land upon his father's door-step, with cap-in-hand and a earnest desire to to to accept the man who was his father for the man he was, and not the image that had been burned into him through his mother's rhetoric and anecdotes that he'd heard from relatives about his father's storied career in the Marine Corps. This time around he came to appreciate the emotionally wounded and terribly scarred human being who was that man; a father who had cared deeply for both his family and his country, and whom upon his return from a last tour in Vietnam in 1973 could cope with neither; a man that had been failed miserably by both.

Unfortunately, Alan still could not come to like his father, but he learned to respect him; with Alan, the second time around, being afforded the opportunity to meet with, and begin to know, his father's other family, and the half-brother's and sister's he had not known existed.

Had Alan not made that second attempt and achieved a reconciliation of sorts, I simply don't know where I would have been in my ability to cope with Alan, and his conscience, when we learned late in 2004 of his father's death in a tragic and fiery automobile accident on the return journey home from his having visited with his own parents in Indiana.

You and your father likely have a journey of your own to make; what its' outcome will be is not cast in stone; it will be whatever the two of you choose to make of it. Do not squander that opportunity, and above all, be open-minded.

Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada

[Updated on: Sat, 24 April 2010 17:25]




"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
Re: Saben ...  [message #62131 is a reply to message #62125] Sat, 24 April 2010 19:46 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



I have very few expectations. Because I know so little about him.

He and my mum only dated for months? So she's told me nothing of him. Except to say that he was a decent guy who tried to take her feelings into account when she got pregnant instead of just leaving her.

I know he's been a successful manager- he had a nice house and nice car when I met him the first time. I remember he liked the actor Robin Williams. Beyond that, it's all an open question. Maybe he'll be a conservative sports nut, maybe he'll be an open-minded traveller. I have no idea.

I DO know that I won't find any excuse for his absence acceptable, though. The first 15 years I can excuse- he didn't know that I wanted him to be a part of my life. But at 15 I made it clear- I wanted to meet him- I wanted to get to know him- Mum didn't mind. For the last 10 years he should have known that I wanted him to be involved.

I might grow to understand his reasons, but I doubt I'll ever see them as adequate justification.

That said, everyone makes mistakes, in time I may well forgive his absence. My boyfriend does things that there is no excuse for- but I love him nonetheless. Maybe my father will be someone I can love, foibles and all. Maybe he'll be someone diametrically opposed to myself. Regardless we'll see how it goes.



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
Re: Saben ...  [message #62132 is a reply to message #62131] Sat, 24 April 2010 20:01 Go to previous message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



Why not, instead, meet a man who is old enough to be your father, but set the facts of his fatherhood aside.

We all carry baggage. We all have reasons, good and bad, for what we do. And those reasons are almost never understood by others.

Neither excuse his absence nor seek, yet, to discover the reasons. Those reasons will make you angry however good they are. INstead discover if today's man is worth spending time with.

He and you may hate each other, you know. That's valid, too.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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