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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Coming out? What about growing up!
Coming out? What about growing up!  [message #63675] Thu, 09 September 2010 05:23 Go to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



That one feels harder to me! Sure it's not the teenage angst I went through over sexuality, but the down periods over being gay for me were intense and short-lived. Trying to deal with "adult life" has kept me in a low-state for years...

I'm still studying... At 25, having been doing my 3 year course for 6 years. It sucks. Hard. But I should be finished within about 9 months now. It's given me more motivation now I have an end in sight. But I have terrible habits I can't seem to shake.

I'm still with Ryan and things are going well there, but despite both being adults we're not grown ups. We're both still acting like kids in a lot of ways. I don't know if the early to mid twenties was a hard transition for anyone else. But I just can't ever see myself as a successful adult- with a full-time job, (kids? if that's possible), relationship, mortgage, etc, etc. All while keeping a clean and orderly house and doing social things with friends. We're mostly independent, his dad shares a house with us, but we do our own meals, etc. We don't eat well, though and his dad has to do more than a fair share of the cleaning. Money is a constant stress- even though we're being supported to study it never feels like it's enough but neither of us is willing to put concerted effort into finding part-time work.

It all feels too much. It's overwhelming to think about. So I try not to, and I try to just focus on my studies. But it's hard and I get distracted by "hobbies" (which include this forum).

Being gay isn't very important to me at the moment. I'm too busy trying to deal with being an adult. I'm glad Ryan and I can live together without fear. I'm glad both our names can be on the bills. I'd like to have the choice to get married or not some day. But other than an interest none of that is really important right now. We have other things that need to get on track. I'm lucky that instead of worrying about being physically assaulted or arrested for my sexuality instead I get to worry about the kinds of things straight couples in their 20s worry about. But it's not a huge comfort =(



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
Re: Coming out? What about growing up!  [message #63676 is a reply to message #63675] Thu, 09 September 2010 05:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



Should I be more grown up by 25? Am I just lazy and immature?

Or am I typical?



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
This thread, and you own two posts starting if off ...  [message #63677 is a reply to message #63676] Thu, 09 September 2010 05:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Gay Deceiver is currently offline  The Gay Deceiver

Really getting into it
Location: Canada
Registered: December 2003
Messages: 869




.. are just about the most personally informative things I seen you put to paper in a goodly long while.

This is much need here again, and especially by your demographic, and those younger. It's what we used to do well, and haven't done for so long we've likely forgotten how.

Thank you for sharing.

I'm now going to go to bed. I'll be thinking about what you've written and likely post a response, in context (which this is not) tomorrow evening. I can't during the day because I'll be at the Food Bank developing their new Client-services database for them.

Stay with us. We need to hear from you more often.

Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada



"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
Re: This thread, and you own two posts starting if off ...  [message #63679 is a reply to message #63677] Thu, 09 September 2010 06:04 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



I was trying to help bring it back.

I'm not as comfortable sharing my life as I once was.

But if can help get this place back on track... That's a plus.

And well.. I do need some other perspectives. Otherwise I'll keep being stuck in my own head.



Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
Thank you ...  [message #63680 is a reply to message #63679] Thu, 09 September 2010 06:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Gay Deceiver is currently offline  The Gay Deceiver

Really getting into it
Location: Canada
Registered: December 2003
Messages: 869




... I've been beating the trees, so to speak, most of the afternoon and evening trying to reach, and sometimes being successful, many of the youngsters I used to speak with semi-regularly, asking that they return, even if for just the one time, and respond to my thread and by extension Timmy's Poll. We'll see how successful I've been in a matter of days I suppose.

Could you do the same please. I'm asking that of you here an now because of my commitment that none of the elders would interfere with that thread, nor shall they if I have anything to do with it.

Whatever happened to that Blog of yours ... the one you had going when you were in Japan. I used to visit it every once in a while. It made me feel closer to you.

Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada

[Updated on: Thu, 09 September 2010 06:18]




"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
Re: Coming out? What about growing up!  [message #63681 is a reply to message #63675] Thu, 09 September 2010 07:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
NW is currently offline  NW

On fire!
Location: Worcester, England
Registered: January 2005
Messages: 1558



Hi Saben

I think it's true for an increasing number of people that worry about sexuality is something that is a rather minor part of the stress of growing up - after my teens, it was for me.

As for becoming a successful adult ... I really don't know. I learned to fake it reasonably well when I was about 25 or 26 - or perhaps that was when I got confidence in my ability to fake it. I think it was falling into a job (post-Uni) that I fell in love with, and turned out to be very good at, and got massive feedback from others that I excelled at. That's the kind of jobs that I've had ever since: I'm incapable of doing anything else. And it *has* meant that although I've had two jobs which were lucrative and "conventionally successful", money has been short most of my life.

And I can't claim at all to be organised - I originally bought the flat I'm in because a very good friend wanted someone to go halves with her on a mortgage, and we co-owned for eight years until she emigrated to New Zealand. I have a small pension, simply because it was included free with one of my two "conventionally successful" jobs, and there was a small legacy from my grandfather when I started it so I bought in extra years. It was serendipitous, and I was 40! Most of my major decisions have been taken through opportunity, or path of least resistance, rather than planning.

I used to think that perhaps it was missing the experience of parenthood that meant I was failing to grow up. Now I'm not so sure - I've had "the youngster" - an ex-druggie ex-street-sleeper 19-year-old with multiple problems (HIV, TB, ADHD, etc) living with me, and depending on me as his "responsible adult", for the last seven months, and I don't think it's made me any more adult - in fact, probably the reverse.

All of which, longwindedly as usual, means that this is something I've been thinking about a lot recently, in the context of my young man. I think some of us - and I don't know if you are one or not - simply don't do the "proper adult" thing. For me, as long as it doesn't show too badly once I'm outside my own front door - as long as I can "pass" in society at large - that's all that counts: my own priorities are more concerned with feeling that what I'm doing is worthwhile, and I long ago concluded that people are always going to consider me mildly (or wildly) eccentric, and have found niches in society where that isn't usually a problem. I'm pretty sure that my youngster will hve to reach the same kind of accomodation.

Not sure if this helps or not - but you're not alone.

NW



"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
Re: Coming out? What about growing up!  [message #63684 is a reply to message #63675] Thu, 09 September 2010 22:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
M is currently offline  M

Likes it here
Location: USA
Registered: September 2003
Messages: 327



Hello Saben,

I fall within your age group (i'm turning 23 this Sunday). I can relate to your situation for the following reasons: i'm a college student, i used to live with my boyfriend, i'm trying to learn how to grow up. However, i did some things out of order :-/ My experiences might help answer your questions by showing what i did differently and what i'm doing now.

Lets start when i finished High School - i was 18 years old. When i finished High School i did not attend college right away. Instead, i looked for jobs in order to save money for a car. In addition, i entered a rebellion stage in my life where all i wanted to do was to be independent. At the time i lived with my sister. After a major argument one afternoon, i was given permission to pack up my stuff and leave, which i did happily, or so i thought. Lucky for me, i had landed a job which provided me the hours and money to survive on my own. Up to this day, i still work for the same company which you can say is an achievement at my young age. It was around that time when i met my boyfriend (now ex) of three years.

Getting out in the world was tough, even tougher without a college education! I had to learn the ins and outs of paying bills, managing my money correctly, juggling a relationship/social life, etc. I did a lot of growing up during this period (18-20). On top of work and dealing with a boyfriend (both i consider full time jobs), i started going to a technical school to get a certificate in something. What? I wasn't sure at the time. Stress levels run high all the time. It affected all aspects of my life, including my relationship with my boyfriend and friends.

Things finally gave in. The balanced tipped over sort of speak. I quit everything! I packed up my stuff and left the state. I moved over 2,000 miles away, to the place i called home. I needed to get away from everything because there was a point i could not handle it anymore - the job, boyfriend, school, friends, etc. For the period of time i left, i reevaluated my life and what i wanted to do. It wasn't easy, but i needed a change. One thing i knew i wanted to do was to start college. Second, i was going to make more time for me instead of becoming a slave to my job. Third, no matter what happened, i would not run away again.

After a six month absence, i decided to come back and start putting to work my new goals. I moved in with my boyfriend, i applied to university and got accepted, got rehired at my old job, and started building a meaningful life. Unfortunately, living with my boyfriend created new challenges. For starters, he had never lived on his own like i did for awhile. He was younger and less experienced in handling adult life matters. etc etc etc. I felt ready to handle school and a job because i got a little experience before i quit everything - i had created a plan of attack. On the other hand, I was not ready to live with my boyfriend. Although we had grown as a couple, he still need to grow up in other ways. Like me, he started working a full time, going to school, handling a social life, handling a relationship, etc. Like me, he started to get very stressed and things were no longer happy. Even though i tried to help him, advising him everything he was experiencing was normal and ok if we worked together, the relationship did suffer in the end. Money was a constant stress in our lives because there was times we barely made ends means. After a year of a half of living together, we decided to part ways. I was devasted :'-(. I moved back with my sister where i don't have the pressure of owning an apartment and paying for bills. Currently, i still attend college, and i still work a full time. The only difference is that i'm able to balance things out much better than i did before. However, i had to eliminate as many distractions as i could which for me was social networking sites. School keeps me busy and so does work. I can't say i have much of a social life, but i do go out with friends whenever i can. With the extra money i have, i make sure i make time to travel and do fun things.

I came to the conclusion that people develop and grow at different rates. Because i ventured out on my own at an earlier age than my boyfriend did, i was able to handle a job and school better than he did. He now sees and understand everything i went through while we were together. He has more experience with those things. Sadly, our relationship suffered too much it was best not to try to get back together which is good because in all honestly, neither one of us feels or is willing to handle a committed relationship when our future is so uncertain. He has his plans and i have mine. He goes to school and works; i go to school and work.

What i'm saying is...relax, focus in one thing at a time. What you are going through is perfectly normal. Maybe i did some things a little early; however, they came at high price Sad. I'm still learning and adjusting to things. Enjoy whatever time you have left of school!



You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
Don't think you've got too much of a problem, Saben.  [message #63685 is a reply to message #63675] Fri, 10 September 2010 02:40 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cossie is currently offline  cossie

On fire!
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699



Your already past the biggest hurdle - the realisation that it's something you need to do. Eventually.

Some people - not sure whether I regard them as lucky or not - are absolutely focused by the time they leave high school, and have left their youth behind by the time they graduate from college. Some follow the same timescale without even going to college. Most of us grow up between, say, 23 and 30, though you only realise that it's happened after the event. Some never manage it, and take their immaturity to the grave.

It seems to me that most people grow up when life demands it - when it becomes the option you have to choose in order to move in the direction in which you want to go.

I don't always agree with your views, but then I don't always agree with some of the views I used to hold. What's clear, though, is that even if motivation is a problem for you, you have a good brain and your conclusions are carefully thought out. If what you say reflects you current thinking, 'growing up' - whatever that actually means - is either imminent or has already happened. It may not be easy, but there are plenty of harder things in an average life. Don't take it too seriously - be what you feel the need to be.

Me? I'd say I grew up around 28, but had quite a few periods of regression. Still have them, if I'm truthful.

I wish you well. You'll make it when you need to.



For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
Re: Don't think you've got too much of a problem, Saben.  [message #63701 is a reply to message #63685] Sat, 11 September 2010 04:06 Go to previous message
ray2x is currently offline  ray2x

Really getting into it
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 429



You are in the best of times. OK maybe the times are not pristine but the twenties of life are very good times, still young enough to be young and older to assume life's responsibilities. I very much surged during my twenties, still have the career I chose, didn't have much of a gay life but I was calling my own shots, traveled when I wanted, saved money for retirement, kept good company with many interesting people, kept a few promises, won and lost several arguments, exercised my butt off and kept a youthful look, read and read many books, watched many sports matches and just looked forward to each day.
It seemed you are doing what you wish. Not many people can say that.



Raymundo
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