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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Not wanting a relationship isn't weird
Not wanting a relationship isn't weird  [message #67412] Thu, 07 February 2013 13:52 Go to next message
Kitzyma is currently offline  Kitzyma

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Being alone isn't the same as being lonely. Preferring to be alone most of the time isn't perverse. Not wanting a relationship isn't weird

This is obviously a minority view, and some may find it controversial.

The opinion:
There are a significant minority of people who do not share the desire for a soulmate and do not feel that being alone is undesirable. As a convenient label, let's call them 'singletons'. Singletons may be either heterosexual or homosexual, and not wanting to pair-bond is not the same as not wanting sex. Furthermore, this singleton minority is no more unnatural than the minority we refer to as homosexual. It is wrong for the majority to look down on singletons as somehow lacking or defective, just as it is wrong for the majority of heterosexuals to look down on homosexual people as somehow lacking or defective.

The reasoning:
Our success as a species is related in part to a reproductive strategy that invests a lot of resources on a small nummber of offspring. That strategy appeares to be made more effective, at least in some species such as humans, by tight family groups and pair-bonding of parents. Therefore, it would be expected that evolution would mean the development of an innate desire for pair-bonding in most people.

One might expect that a desire to mate with a member of the opposite sex would also be something that would be strongly built into our species, yet there is a significant minority who do not have that desire. Thus one might hypothesise that those lacking the desire (i.e. homosexuals) have some other benefit for the species as a whole. Alternatively, perhaps the lack of that desire is (like sickle cell anaemia) an unavoidable side-effect of some other characteristic that is generally beneficial. Whatever the case, there is no justification for the heterosexual majority to feel superior to the homosexual minority.

One can apply a similar argument to the fact that a minority of people are happier when living alone and have no desire to find a soulmate.

We evolved as social animals and our physical survival involves a mutual interdependence. Specialisation enabled the growth of civilisation, so in modern society there is a mutual interdependence between groups as well as between individuals - toolmakers rely on farmers for food, just as farmers rely on the tools. The advantages of such interdependence must have outweighed the disadvantages.

When monopolies arise, however, there are grave risks. If there is only one farmer, what happens when he dies? If all farmers are united in one group, what happens if that group refuses to provide food unless the toolmakers agree to its demands?

Investing all of one's emotional bonding into one person, giving them an emotional monopoly, carries risks. For the species as a whole, those risks of pair-bonding must be outweighed by the advantages, otherwise it would not have evolved as an important drive. For the minority of individuals who do not share that drive, the disadvantages to the those individual may become more important. However, if a singleton wants children and wants to live with those children, the advantages living with a partner and having someone to share the childcare, would probably outweight the disadvantages.

For a singleton who doesn't want children, the disadvantages of pair-bonding can be paramount. For example, there are frequent compromises, limitations of freedom, and occasional stresses involved in living with another person. Perhaps most important, though, is that having a soulmate and pair-bonding will almost certainly lead to eventual, though possibly just temporary, unhappiness. This is because, in one way or another, voluntarily or involuntarily, deliberately or accidentally, the person in whom you've invested your emotional happiness will let you down. e.g. If he/she doesn't leave you on purpose, he/she may well die before you do. It's not their fault, but the loss still hurts.

The majority might say that the near-certainty of possibly temporary eventual pain is a small price to pay for long-term companionship and fulfilment of their desire to be with a soulmate. However, for the singleton with no such desire, the price may be too much. Being in a relationship may be good and healthy for the majority who are suited to it, but can cause unhealthy stress for those who are unsuited to it.

The summary:
There really are singletons, just as there reallly are homosexuals. Neither group is sick and neither deserves pity. It is insulting and hurtful if heterosexual majority assumes that everyone is really like they are and if they believe that they should try to convert homosexuals to heterosexuality. It is insulting and hurtful if the majority who seek soulmates assumes that everyone is really like they are and that they should try to convert singletons to soulmate-seekers.

For a homosexual to succumb to societal pressure and pretend to be heterosexual can cause unhappiness, or at least discontent. Similarly, for a singleton to succumb to societal pressure and enter into a relationship can cause unhappiness for their partner as well as themselves.

[Updated on: Fri, 08 February 2013 23:25]

Re: Not wanting a relationship isn't wierd  [message #67414 is a reply to message #67412] Thu, 07 February 2013 14:13 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Michael-Kent Dobison is currently offline  Michael-Kent Dobison

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WoW - I love this. Really could not have said it better myself Smile

Singleton 101 Wink



"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
Re: Not wanting a relationship isn't wierd  [message #67418 is a reply to message #67412] Thu, 07 February 2013 19:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

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It's not an area of thought I ever looked at before. Asexual people I understand, I had never before thought of singletons. Logical and thought provoking.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Not wanting a relationship isn't wierd  [message #67423 is a reply to message #67418] Thu, 07 February 2013 22:24 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Kitzyma is currently offline  Kitzyma

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Just hypothesising here...
Potentially there are possible combinations of asexual, sexual, relationship-seeking, and singleton.

An asexual singleton might be supposed to be a comfortable situation, provided society didn't think it wierd and try to change him/her. Effectively, he/she would be self-contained.

An asexual seeking a relationship might find things a bit more difficult, the ideal partner probabably being another asexual relationship-seeker.

A sexual singleton man risks being labelled by society as a 'cad' or immoral, even if he makes it clear before having sex that he's not interested in a relationship. The sexuality of the man (gay/bi/straight) might be expected to have an influence on his sexual success and how he's perceived buy others. A sexual singleton woman risks being labelled as a slut, or worse.

A sexual relationship-seeker, apparently being in the majority, should at least have a chance of finding someone like-minded and is unlikely to be disparaged by society.

Of course, in real life things are much more complex. e.g. There are sexual people who say they want a relationship because they think tht's the best way to get inside your pants. There are sexual people who say they don't want a relationship and agree to no-strings fun, then after the sex they decide the physical intimacy has formed a bond, so then they want a relationship after all.

The whole thing is mind-bogglingly complicated, and my brain is starting to hurt. Basically, I suppose all we can do is to try to work out what we are and what we want, then be what we are and make the best of it. And accept others for whatever they are, no matter how wierd it seems to us, as long as whatever they're into involves consensual activities.



Re: Not wanting a relationship isn't wierd  [message #67424 is a reply to message #67423] Fri, 08 February 2013 01:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
JoeWriterMan is currently offline  JoeWriterMan

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When I went through my whore and slut days, I was looking for something to fix, eradicate the inner demons, to validate my sexual identity, to validate ME.

I've had the opportunity to get into the heads of 'straight' people over the past few years... and I've found that they think, feel, do and say the same thing that I do. Amazing. They have the very same exact 'issues' with self-identity, insecurities, fears, love loneliness, happiness, joy, fulfillment, the whole sphere of living as human. Many a straight man suffers with the memories of having had their first (and second and so on and so forth) sexual experience with a guy near their age... until I pull out the Kinsey studies and urge the person to actually read it!

Okay - loneliness vs. alone. Rarely do I experience loneliness, though I live alone and prefer to be a 'singleton'. After I worked through my various negative 'issues' I found no further need to prove anything to myself or others.

Re: Not wanting a relationship isn't wierd  [message #67427 is a reply to message #67412] Fri, 08 February 2013 09:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Kitzyma is currently offline  Kitzyma

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Here are some clarifications that may be helpful to those who bother to read my posts.

Despite my admittedly didactic writing style, my writings here and elsewhere are not intended as assertions of truth. I realise that they are merely opinions based on my attempts to understand and make sense of my own experiences. They are hypotheses which can be changed by additional observation or logical argument.

To assume that a singleton cannot love or fall in love would be as mistaken as asuming that a gay man must hate women. To assume that a singleton merely has a 'fear of commitment' would be as mistaken as assuming that a gay man is afraid of women.

Falling in love and pair bonding are not the same thing, which is obviously the case when one person falls in love and those feelings are not reciprocated. Only when the love is mutual can pair-bonding occur, and even then it doesn't always occur. Teenagers may be mutually in love and go around as couples, but that doesn't always lead to long-term pair-bonding. So someone may fall in love several times before the pair-bond is formed and may even fall in love again after it is formed.

Pair-bonding and marrige are not the same thing. The former is an emotional relationship, the latter is a legal framework and a formal recognition by society of the mutual commitment. In our society, the actual pair-bonding usually occurs before marriage. In societies with arranged marriages, especially those in which bride and groom have hardly even met before the ceremony, the pair-bonding can place after the marriage.

So my hypothesis is that 'falling in love' has evolved to get two people to spend enough time together so that, in the relatioonship-seeking majority, a pair-bond can be formed. With the singleton, the mutual love doesn't lead to a desire to form a pair-bond, but if the beloved is a relationship-seeker then desire to please the beloved and pressures of society may persuade the singleton to behave as if the pair-bond had formed, e.g. by living together. The singleton will often then feel trapped and he/she may hate the constant interactions and lack of freedom. That leads to great unhappiness for both partners.

Re: Not wanting a relationship isn't wierd  [message #67432 is a reply to message #67427] Sat, 09 February 2013 17:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

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What interests me is that you have not covered the fact that a pair bond can become established when there is no atmosphere of love, nor even of friendship. There is an inter-dependence and/or a co-dependence that allows such things to happen, often in strange circumstances.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Not wanting a relationship isn't wierd  [message #67433 is a reply to message #67432] Sat, 09 February 2013 18:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Kitzyma is currently offline  Kitzyma

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"timmy wrote on Sat, 09 February 2013 17:45"
What interests me is that you have not covered the fact that a pair bond can become established when there is no atmosphere of love, nor even of friendship.

--

True, that's a combination I hadn't mentioned.
Of course, this is just my opinion, but that would probably seem to a singleton to be the very worst kind of pair-bonding and the sort to be avoided at all cost. To a singleton, being in any sort of pair-bonding is something that is undesirable, like being caught in a trap with restricted movement. If one likes or loves the person one is trapped with, then it's not quite so unpleasant.

If one is trapped with a person one doesn't like in a co-depenent or mutually inter-dependent relationship life would be hell. One would be enslaved to the needs both oneself and the other person. Pure horror!

Re: Not wanting a relationship isn't wierd  [message #67434 is a reply to message #67433] Sat, 09 February 2013 21:53 Go to previous message
Smokr is currently offline  Smokr

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"Kitzyma wrote on Sat, 09 February 2013 13:50"
"timmy wrote on Sat, 09 February 2013 17:45"
What interests me is that you have not covered the fact that a pair bond can become established when there is no atmosphere of love, nor even of friendship.

--

Of course, this is just my opinion, but that would probably seem to a singleton to be the very worst kind of pair-bonding and the sort to be avoided at all cost. To a singleton, being in any sort of pair-bonding is something that is undesirable, like being caught in a trap with restricted movement. If one likes or loves the person one is trapped with, then it's not quite so unpleasant.

If one is trapped with a person one doesn't like in a co-depenent or mutually inter-dependent relationship life would be hell. One would be enslaved to the needs both oneself and the other person. Pure horror!


--
As a seemingly singleton, I've got to agree with things so far, especially the quoted points above. I've seen mismatched pair-bonds and they always result in horrible situations for both parties, even if one or both parties seem to have deluded each other or themselves into some fantasy of the pairing that doesn't exist.
Even seen abuse and violence as a result. St8 or gay.

And as a seeming singleton, there are those of us who are quite happy without a paired-mate, though short durations with a partner can be tolerated provided that separate living spaces exist for one or both of us to retreat to for 'recharge' and contemplation.
Why some of us don't care for long-term pair-bonding I don't know.
For myself, I suspect it is the result of my life experiences, especially those first, earlier 'relationsihps' and the results of them.
Again, strictly for myself, perhaps I've given up on finding anything similar and don't want dashed expectations or such? IDK. I do know that the idea of living with someone and having that kind of pairing, is now, in my mind, an impossibility and more a nuisance to even try, and even more of a nuisance if it occurred.
Or perhaps I'm waiting to start all over next time? IDK



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