A Place of Safety
I expect simple behaviours here. Friendship, and love.
Any advice should be from the perspective of the person asking, not the person giving!
We have had to make new membership moderated to combat the huge number of spammers who register
















You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > Literary Merit > multiple - sadness by Josh (J's Poems)
multiple - sadness by Josh (J's Poems)  [message #71338] Fri, 08 April 2016 17:08 Go to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



This is new..
..I don't know what else to say..
I hope you like it, if you like sad writings..
Take care..

~~~~~

multiple - sadness

Written by: someone
Date: April 6, 2016
Time: 6:42 PM

bye.....

~~~~~
multiple - sadness
~~~~~~

lie
lie lie, lie..
lie lie lie....

He takes a breath.
More like a sigh.
He's not good. And he knows this.
He thinks... He thinks he's evil..

DON'T TELL THEM THAT!...

(another lie)

For him, there is no truth..
Only lies.
He's in a dark space.

He listens to Heartbeat by Broove.
The music is enchanting. Mesmerizing..

Why does there have to be pain in this world?
Why do we have to exist?
Maybe we don't exist..

Is that a scary thought?
Not really.. He lives it every day.
To him, the him that exists, and plays along, and goes along with everything, isn't him..

He doesn't want this..
He's stuck.
Decaying. In the streets. In the rain.
The rain, is a healer..
Cars just pass by..

Maybe this is the real him?
What is real?

Is it having a shadow?
A voice? A body?

What is.. real?
We don't know.
And sometimes, it gets to us.
We're sad. And we're suffocating like this...

He takes another breath.
Maybe I don't want to be real.
Maybe I don't want, to be.

I'm a shadow.
Just a shadow. Living in his place.
I put on this fake persona.
Everyone calls him Josh.
He prefers J. The one letter.

The name, Josh, connects him to bad places.
Places he wants to forget..
But we never can..

So I am me. And I am not me.
We are, and are not, him.

What IS real?

You think I'm living?
No. I'm dying every day.
Wrapped in sadness, and the illusion of happiness..

It's all grey.
There is no colour anymore.
Just black and white.
I try to be the colour that fills in.
But I cannot be.

I wanted to live..
But sadness, took away my story...

~~~~~

~End~

[Updated on: Fri, 08 April 2016 21:04]

blood_1 (self-harm warning) -J  [message #71345 is a reply to message #71338] Fri, 08 April 2016 21:07 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New writing.
Thanks for reading.
Take care.

~J

~~~~~

blood_1

Written by: J
Date: April 8, 2016
Time: 10:21 AM

Thank you..
bye...

~~~~~



~~~~

We hear
We live
We give
We take
We live,
We break

Silently.
Like the streets are made of glass.
Little tiny shards with which we <>cut</b>..
Let out the rage through a razor, or knife, or a bite.

Does it let us know we're clear?
From the shadows that haunt and destroy us?

While we say the words, we're fine
You know what fine means, don't you?

That word is like poison to our wounds.
Simple, and steady...
We ride the wave of insecurity..
Honest little devils we are..

We are not clean.
We wash our hands, only to see blood.
Captivated by the ever small cuts on our arms.
We relish in the small pains we share.

Even so, we are free in that one moment..
In control of a world that we hate.
A world we create.
A world we decimate.

With a smile, you'll believe.
How do we bleed?.. When we already are sharing blood-filled hands..

Die another day.
Wake up in small decay..

Close your eyes.. and
breathe....

-End-
an inkling ~J  [message #71346 is a reply to message #71345] Fri, 08 April 2016 21:10 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Theme: gay romance

Thanks for reading this. I know it's long. Sorry for that. Take care.

~Josh~

~~~~~

an inkling

Written by: Joshua Ward
Date: December 8, 2014
Time: 9:39 PM

Thank you again.

~Josh~

~~~~
an inkling
~~~~

a wanting, perhaps.
or a flame?

No this isn't flaming.
Not a one-time thing. A nightly romance. A single endeavour.
Caught my eye? Maybe I did.

Maybe  I wanted to. You wouldn't be able to tell by my actions though. There were none.
I'd see you in class. Look at you for a moment, then focus on my school work.
It was good this way.

Am I emotional you ask?
Not really. I just study a lot.
I study my homework. And people.

People are interesting.
But I put no emotion into it. Because there's the possibility of falling in love. Which if fallen the wrong way, can lead to heartbreak.
I prefer to keep my heart whole.
There's no one who can enter me.
I thought.

It hadn't occurred to me that you would look at me.
Sure we pass by each other in the hallways. But we never speak to each other.

School. Then college.
I hadn't had time for anything else. Or rather, I didn't want to undertake a relationship.

So it goes.. Can't be helped.

I saw you one day, after school. You were on your way home. We both walked different ways, as our homes were in different directions.

I looked at you. We exchanged looks for a moment. We didn't speak. I just turned the other way and went home.
That night, I sat in my room, on my bed. Wondering.

Why did I look at you?
Naturally, it didn't mean anything.
And even if it did, why would I care?
But taken a different way, would you care? Could you be interested?

But that's a line.
A dangerous line, to cross.

You read about it all the time, in stories. Fiction.
Words like 'love'. Phrases like 'I love you.' 'I need you.'

Why would I need someone? And why was I thinking about this? Had I a rather sudden interest in such matters?
Relationships are doomed to fail. All we feel for another can be broken. Like the heart. Shattered.

I shake my head. And return to my books.
Focus on your school work. That's what's important. Don't worry about.. that.. It's.. It's nothing. Just.. Don't think about it..
About him..

I scratch my head for a moment.
Why bother? .. What use is there in thinking about him.
But, we exchanged glances today. Which again, could mean nothing. It doesn't concern me. We've gone to school for four years. We have nothing in common. No shared interests. No common link.

My pencil breaks..

Why?
I stop and take a walk outside.
Why does this suddenly interest me? Why, does he interest me? What's the point. This is pointless..
Pointless though it may be, you're still thinking about him.

..

I shrug my shoulders. I'll see him tomorrow. Again. And it'll be just as it has been.
This is pointless. Thinking about nothing. There is nothing between us. We have nothing in common.
So then, why does this bother me?..

Next day

..
I arrive at school..
The usual routine. 4 classes. Studies. Lunch. More studies.
I start to leave, as usual. And he's there again. At the same place, like he was yesterday.
We again, exchange glances.

He's looking at me. I'm looking at him..

So, what now?
I decide to walk over. We talk a little.
He tells me he's been watching me.
Slightly creepy, but okay.

I want to say something to him. But my mouth is closed.
He tells me that he's curious about me.

Curious? About me?
Why?
..This is pointless.. I turn around, and he grabs my hand and turns me around so I'm facing him.

..I suppose this is the time in the story where the heroine is swept off her feet in a matter of seconds.
Where she's staring into the eyes of her prince and her heart rate increases. And they kiss..

Except that moment for me, is right now.
And I'm just a guy. But he's looking at me. Staring into me. And I can't turn away.
A light blush I know is evident...

But this is weird.. We have nothing in common.
He's been watching me? He's curious?

Why? Why do you watch me? Why are you curious about me?
And why can I not look away from him?

Our lips connect. Just for a moment. Now during that moment, I can feel my heart rate increase.
A kiss (my first) was unexpected. It was.. He was..

Kissing me. Just once.

Studies are important. First school. Then college.
That, was my routine. But now, he seems to have found his way into my life.

Also, while we're kissing, I start to wonder.
Is this what he was curious about? Was he interested in me?

..Why does it matter? Why do I seem to care.
What does this mean?..

Time passed.

Our lips parted. I took a breath. Looked at him. His eyes were blue. Like the ocean.

I had no idea how to process this..
I touched his cheek with my hand..
And turned around. He let my hand go this time.
So I started to walk home.

Such conflicting thoughts seemed to rush into my head.
I stopped. And turned around. He was still there, looking at me.
I waved at him. He waved at me.

He kissed me.
Then I kissed him..

When I arrived home, I could still feel him.
I touched my lips. Remembering him.

A memory. Left on my heart.
Our memory.
This will stay with me.

~End~
getting over this (possible warning) -J  [message #71348 is a reply to message #71346] Sat, 09 April 2016 00:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Theme: The new reality we live...

New writing. We hope you like it.
Take care.

~~~~~

getting over this

Written by: J
Date: April 8, 2016
Time: 8:31 PM

Take care. And thank you.

~J

~~~~~

I hope that when you look upon the sunset, at the blazing sun you will forget the problems of this world.
But then, perhaps that is selfish.
I suppose in the long run, we often don't forget the sadness and horror that comes with living.
I suppose, we are creatures of habit. And we let ourselves lie awake at night, to see the new sunrise come again.
If only for a moment, we could forget pain and sadness, and the horrible things that were done to us that we cannot undo.
We tell ourselves, it wasn't our fault. "This was not my fault."
But upon deeper inspection, is that really the truth?

He said it to us.
This is your damn fault! You'll never be good enough! If only you'd never been born!

..And other such phrases.
They are kept. Like a soft blanket, for us to keep us warm.
And then, we learn to continue the cycle.

We remember those words.
And they grow in us. Our lives are changed by something that happened, a 'long time ago.'
You were fourteen. Get over it!

But we can't.
We can never 'get over it.' It's not that simple.
You can never just get over something, with a snap of your fingers.
Light does not change to dark at the drop of a hat.

It just repeats itself. And repeats itself.
Over and over, the scene plays.
And suddenly, things like friends are no longer friends anymore.

It becomes a drug.
A new world that we create. We hope that someday, things will get better.
And maybe they will. But until they do, we are lost, inside this world of scenes that play.
Over and over and over...

Does it ever stop?
Can it ever stop?
...

We wonder if it will happen.
But, it becomes an addiction.
And we believe such words.

The world slowly starts to change.
Until those scenes, and those pasts, become the only present that we can lay claim to.

No amount of drugs, or medicine, can change the past.
That is impossible.

The past becomes the present.
Until all we can see, becomes grey..
There is no light anymore. There is no colour.
We are just pale statues.

So 'get over it' doesn't affect us anymore.
There is no getting over this...

~End~
innocence lost - WARNINGWARNING! (by J)  [message #71350 is a reply to message #71348] Sat, 09 April 2016 23:10 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



...
He was five years old..

~~~~

This happened in my head, again..
As it usually does..
It's painful...

~~~~~

Thanks for reading, I guess...
We're tired..
And pathetic, but that's another story..

~~~~~

innocence lost

Written by: one of us, we're not sure who...
Date; April 9, 2016
Time: 6:57 PM

Thank you...
Take care..

bye...
tiring..

~~~~~~
innocence lost
~~~~~~

wake up.
face the day.
remind me, as we fade away
into the nothing we create
this world just needs to shake me off the surface, and into the space
where lies and deceit are all I'll ever need.

He has no smile.
But you know what he's thinking.
Or do you?

Is it that he's ashamed to even breathe?
Is it that the world is haunting him, and catching every step to trip him up...

They say these will be the best years.
Just four years.
He sees no pleasure.
He only feels pain.
Pain is what he knows.
Pain is his friend.
The dark provider.
The silent protector.

It started young.
He was only five years old, you know.
He was just a child.
Spinning out of control.
They saw that. And they knew it.

So, they sent him to a hospital.
The doctors started him on meds.
Anti-depressants. Try to calm him down a little.
Foolish the boy thought.
It's not me you should be afraid of.
It's the devil inside me..

A five year old, saying words like 'devil'...
Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

He had no friends.
No desire to be friendly.
They're all just losers who will never know the real meaning of peace..

You'd think he was an adult, this one.
He knew about pain.
They used him, as an experiment you see.
Different drugs.
Different tests.
Different outcomes.

This boy was damaged.
But it wasn't the drugs.
No. It happened, much before this.

Later, in his teen years, this boy would become violent.
He'd be into drugs, and sex..
Drugs for the high, sex for the low.
He would discover self-harm. And how brutally beautiful the blade was on his skin.
He was married to it..
Scar after scar, wanting to end it..

Innocence was lost.
And they'll never regret it.
He was just a failure, after all..

Fuck me.
Break me.
Breathe me.
Kill me..

Small gestures..
All will be gone, with this pill...
I wish I was dead...

~End~
stories - by J  [message #71496 is a reply to message #71338] Thu, 05 May 2016 14:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New writing.
Thanks for reading this. We appreciate it.

~~~~~

stories

Written by: J
Date: May 4, 2016
Time: 6:28 PM

thanks again.
take care..

~J

~~~~

stories

It's sad. Sometimes it's no wonder we hate ourselves.. We're born free. Innocent. Precious.  I was like that too.
But I'm not free now. My shadow stalks me. The butterflies hate me. The windows spread my consciousness open. LIke I'm a book that has to be read. And my mistakes are highlighted red and not yellow. I prefer silence. It's quiet and makes you think that the world really doesn't hate you. But who are we to fool. Of course, I hate myself. Not because I happen to like the same sex. I've been told a thousand times by the fireflies that the lies I see in your eyes need to come out. And they might. I might fly one day, off a building just for fun.  I"m an angel without wings who sings at the top of his lungs, breathe. I'm here for you. And everything will be okay.
I'll give you my heart and my arms to lift you up out of that depression. So that one day you'll be able to see and hear the words..
I love you.
right to live - gay romanced themed - by J  [message #71502 is a reply to message #71496] Thu, 05 May 2016 21:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New poem.
I like this one.
And we hope you do too.
Take care. And stay safe.
We love you.

~~~~~~~~

right to live

Written by: J
Date: March 26, 2016
Time: 9:13 PM

take care.
you are loved.
and you're not alone.
i promise.

~~~~~
right to live
~~~~~

wake up, lay down
turn that smile to a frown
cause they don't know
what you go through
lies and deception, they only assume

"It'll be alright.
Just keep going."
Until the river stops
And we can no longer keep going

Going down a river
With no end
Going down a path that we can't see
It's the same as my shadow and me

Just two sides of the same coin
Keep breathing, and nothing will be
"Fine"

Such a word, blank, like me
Try to figure out
What's this pain inside of me

Drugs, and sex; like alcohol
Push me down and pull me out
Give me something I can dream about

To take up from my catatonic state
Wish I may, wish I might, stay?
Even for a little whilee
So I don't have to walk on knives
all, day...

But who's to say what's right and wrong
Love wins. But we still have to fight for it all
The right to live, the right to breathe
What gives you the right to silence the still breathing?
...

Who will know when the sun breaks
A new dawn and day awaits
While we wait in eternal silence
For the hand, anything to guide us

To our rights as human beings
Too many labels, pull back the curtains and see
See that we are here to stay
That we will never go away

Cause love is never wrong or right
Love had a lover, that was cast away into the night
He fought and bled and died trying
Just to see his face one more time, without crying..

But still, we try and still we die
Waiting out, living this cold lie
Upon the shoulders, we are thrown
Into a den of darkness and hollowed halls

Who's to know what we will find
At the end, the moment we all die
And be free of these absurd insecurities
Cured with lies, sex, and the right to live freely...

~End~
Hope_4 ~ warning ~ high school, hospital - by J  [message #71503 is a reply to message #71338] Thu, 05 May 2016 21:36 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New writing. I hope you like it. Take care. Thanks for reading.

~~~~~

Hope_4

Written by: us
Date: March 8, 2016
Time: 4:05 PM

thanks again. we love you.

~J

~~~~~~~~
Hope_4
~~~~~~~~

Maybe..
Maybe I was attracted, to you.
Maybe..

~~~~

There's too many things in this world that we don't know.
Who we are. What we'll be doing once school is done.
So we, try to figure it out. One day at a time.

~~~~

I'm more of a study boy than anything else.
You would more than likely see me study then go to a dance, or prom.
Those kind of things just never appealed to me.
But then, maybe I was trying to cover something up myself.

High school is only four (sometimes five) years long.
I didn't want to make friends. Or me one of the cool kids.
Popularity never was something I wanted to achieve.

Blue eyes. Blonde-ish hair. Not very tall. I happened to be one of the shorter ones in my family.

Maybe, I wanted to know you.
Meet you.
Maybe even hang out with you.

I tend to think in my head.
I can talk, mind you. I just choose not to.
It's got me in trouble sometimes.
I have no desire to be a part of a group.

There's nothing wrong with me.
I just sit alone at lunch time. I try not to talk to anyone. Don't see the point.
People will make their own judgements about me. I don't care.
Maybe I'm introverted..?
Who knows. Crowds.. They kind of bug me.
I can't handle even my own shadow sometimes.

I don't see a therapist.
There's no need to. This is my life. Why should it matter what they say?

~~~~~~

Drugs and alcohol, I don't really care about.
..

~~~~

So then, what is it I actually care for?
I don't really know.
Who knows...

~~~~

Maybe this is an illusion.
Maybe I'm not really going to school.
Maybe I'm only dreaming it. Or, it could be that I myself, am a dream..?
Would that fit?..

I was in a car crash a while ago.
And in truth, I lay on a hospital bed, in a coma.
Layers of machines, trying to keep me alive with their beeps.
I can't really hear anything. I just imagine. I dream. I sleep.

This of course, is different for everyone.
I'll never kiss a boy.

But I hope I will.
Somewhere. Somehow...

My hope is fading. But I still want to believe that there is a light somewhere...
I hope there is..

~End~
innocence_2 - gay romance themed  [message #71513 is a reply to message #71503] Fri, 06 May 2016 20:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New writing.

I was feeling, or rather imagining, what that would be like..
That one perfect moment..
I'm sure we all dream of it..
Take care.
And thanks for reading.

~~~~~~~

innocence_2

Written by: J
Date: May 6, 2016
Time: 4:09 PM

thanks.
take care..

~J

~~~~~~~
innocence_2
~~~~~~~

I want to wreck apart the walls of your world
We were made for each other.. Weren't we?
You even told me you loved me.
After which, we kissed. My first.
Luckily though it was with you.

I wanted to breathe in the traces of your existence with my petals.
I'm a little boy flower that you pricked.
Gentle. Gentler still.

Echoes of our sorry past.
With kisses, and memories that will never last.

But we both knew this.
It was forbidden.
Two guys. Not very well looked upon..
Still I'd stay with you
You were elegant. Precious.
Mine.

And yet, not.
I wasn't the only one.
Maybe they said we'd never make it.
And maybe that was true.
Who knows..

We were running on time itself.
Your hand in mine, gripping tighter.
So I wouldn't let go.
The world was in your eyes..

And I wanted to drink it all in.
Your essence.
so that even the small touches, were breath-taking.

I crawled on your lap.
And called you mine..

~End~
true love_2 by J  [message #71574 is a reply to message #71338] Sun, 15 May 2016 20:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New poem.
Wrote this for someone.
Thanks for reading. Take care.

~J

~~~~~~~

true love_2

Written by: J
Date: May 15, 2016
Time: 12:58 PM

thank you. take care..

~J

~~~~~~
true love_2
~~~~~~

wrapped in your wings
the bird sings

wrapped inside your cuts, it's hard not to imagine what brought them on.
School is hard. Not the subjects. Just learning to cope..
I came out as a lesbian to my Mom.
She wasn't too thrilled. Just another thing to hold round my neck until I die...

"Life is short."
That's what they say..
But they don't realize that we die a little every day.
Some more than others. caught in the crossfire of the star-crossed lovers.
Who couldn't be together. Cause having a gay kid in the family brought shame and misery...

But we only live once, and that's the truth.
Unless you're crawling out of the dungeon of hell to even breathe...
Then it's a struggle.

We are denied.
They always look away when we  hold hands.
They say we're going to hell.
Well I'm sure hell will be fabulous.
We'll make it with rainbows instead of fire.
Caught in my wonderful boyfriends desire..

You could never understand it.
We are right. And yet, we are stained. Raped. Drugged. And fucked in the head.
Drawn to suicide, and cold bloody blades.
Just to cope. Holding onto a hope that may not exist.
But it's all we have to lean on when it's rough.

It gets rough every day. Every second...
But you won't know that.
Not even to try to understand.

Why would you.
How could you treat us like this?
It's no wonder we have problems. No wonder we turn to drugs and alcohol..
Maybe someday you'll see it.

What really keeps me going, is his hand.
When it touches mine, I can face anything..
Even if it's you, the one who raised me and brought me into this world...

oh well...
So when you stare at my grave, please remember that I loved you...
Even if you hated me...

~End~
to love_3 - love, equality, hate - warning  [message #71581 is a reply to message #71574] Wed, 18 May 2016 03:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New writing.
This is a sad one, to me.
I am gay.. But I'll still love you regardless.
Take care.

~~~~~~~~

to love_3

Written by: J
Date: May 17, 2016
Time: 12:27 PM

Thanks for reading.
Take care.

~J

~~~~~~~~
to love_3
~~~~~~~~

she said she was bisexual.
her dad, said he hated her.
her mother, called her a sinner.

Such fools we are, in and out of love.
Falling in love, and changing our minds in an instant..

What is love worth anymore?
Why do we say we love, when all that's left, are broken memories.

Even so, I wanted to be free.
To hold my girlfriend's hand.
I never understood why people would hate me, just for being myself.

Is there really a justifiable reason for you to hate me?
Can't you just love me instead? And accept me for it?
Is that really so wrong?

I never hated you.
Not once.

We are born in the land of the free
And the home of the brave...

But that isn't true anymore.
Not for us.

We are the hated.
But they'll never understand that we're just like them.
So now, they have rights.
They don't have to fight to live.
So when I get married to my girlfriend, will you still say it's a phase?...
That I'll change my mind soon enough?

I won't change.
I will love her with everything in me. With all of my being..

I look at you, holding your husband's hand.
I look at your children there, playing in the sand.
And I think about how lucky they are.

But I also think about the danger.
What if your son came up one day, and said he was crushing on a boy at school?
Or what if your daughter was secretly hiding love letters from her secret girlfriend?

It would be the same thing.. Wouldn't it?
Would you still say that you loved her?

Perhaps I will adopt your son and daughter, whom you cast out of the family.
Cause no one wants a gay son right?
No one wants a lesbian daughter...

You don't understand...

Despite how much you hate and despise us, we love you.
We love those who hate us because we know how very much it hurts inside.

We know that no matter how much we try, how much we beg, that being gay, or lesbian, or trans, changes you.
And we know that this most times, is not a positive change.
Most times, we're used to the hate. We long for that love you once had for us...

I crave it, while holding my lover's hand.
He wants it too, holding onto his boyfriend..
She wants it too...

Love...
When will we remember that love, straight or not, is beautiful.
When will we come to realize that when you said you loved me, that didn't come with a stop sign.

You didn't have to kick me out.

But I'll still love you regardless. Because I know how much, it hurts..

I hide it with a smile.
So you won't see how much your hate..

is killing me...

~End~
the night - romance by J  [message #71674 is a reply to message #71581] Tue, 31 May 2016 15:57 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012




New poem.
I  was feeling romantic..
I hope you like it..
Take care..
And thanks for reading..

~~~~~~~

the night

Written by: J
Date: May 29, 2016
Time: 8:51 PM

thanks..
take care..

~J

the night
~~~~~~

take me slowly upon your wing
tell me all about your life
what is it that defines you?
are you in reality, or is it your shadow sticking to the ground?

we all have shadows.
More then one. Not just the one following us.
Maybe it wants to play?

Would you write the words "I love you" on your chest for me?
So that I know? It's not really self-harm.
Just a bond. Something I can share with you.

Kiss me.
Let me feel the sensation of my heart aflutter.
Let me feel my pulse quicken.
My knees getting weak.
The pulse wavers with each passing moment.

Is this not love?
A pure bliss; we make love in shadow
surrounded by nature..

catch me if I fall
let me feel your hand capture mine, ending in a slow embrace
This feeling too, would be a connection...

something to pull at my heart strings
lead me into your darkened corridor
let my mind soar into the eternal star night
resting my head on your shoulder...

this too, can be electrifying, in it's own right..
don't you think?

~End~
the voice - self-harm, burning warning by J  [message #71675 is a reply to message #71674] Tue, 31 May 2016 16:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New writing.
This one seems more real to me..
If that makes sense.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

~J

~~~~~~

the voice

Written by: J
Date: May 25, 2016
Time: 12:02 PM

thanks..
take care..

~J

the voice
~~~~~~

the diary of jane is a diary of pain
asphalt and tears, left over from the years of neglect
satisfying suffering with smoke and a craving for bad taste
wrapped in the selfless bitch that god created to be fake

we wrap ourselves in lies long enough that we believe them
become them, shelter and surround them
i too, once believed in some kind of higher power when i was in need
but then i woke up and stared at the empty reflection in the mirror

dried hair, dried tears, needle marks and cigarette burns
you didn't know i was self-harming, because you were too busy self-absorbing
the way of life that you chose for yourself.
trapped in perfumes and boys who thought only of your naked flesh

but maybe i'm wrong and maybe you're right
so tonight when i find something worth biting, i'll think of you.
standing there in the bathroom with your hair down, lying next to him
he's using you, can't you see? and you think this pressure doesn't affect me?

too bad I guess, maybe it will change. maybe someday we can rearrange
the pieces of your heart that you destroyed. made it easy to fill the empty void
cast into shadow. made me look like a fool but that's okay because i'm mental
or so they say; the voices in my head. tell me to drop dead and kill the emptiness inside my head

even so, i want to live. is that so hard? such a wrong thing?
i already know that the world has long rejected me. so fuck it.
i win and you lose. that's why it burns into my skin and it's alcohol i choose
to ease the pain and separate. to climb the walls and suffocate.

who knows what's right. i don't really care. not really.
it's like i'm not even there. so fuck this life of empty existence
i don't wish this on anyone, i just wish you'd have paid attention.
to the marks you'd see. "you need therapy.

i hated it all, and lied my way through it
so you couldn't take away the one thing that made me worth it.
i wanted to be separate. wanted to be free.
but you still could never kill the dead heartless voice inside of me, saying

DIE!

~End~
towards the end - by J  [message #71680 is a reply to message #71675] Wed, 01 June 2016 14:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



towards the end
New poem, this one. I hope you like it. Take care. And stay safe and happy. Smile

~J

~~~~

towards the end

Written by: J
Date: June 1, 2016
Time: 10:50 AM

Thanks for reading. Take care.

~J

~~~~~
towards the  end
~~~~~~

walking alone in the darkness of my shadow
wrapped up in lies and betrayal
It's not too much to ask, being alone
Some people like it that way.
No one can hurt you.
 
Just the thoughts in your head.
The ones you wish you could forget, erase
Like with all these past mistakes
 
silly little things.
everything returns to its 'proper' course
where life is grand, instead of standing on a floating island of lies which you know are true.
and you know it too, don't you?
 
you can hear the heartbeats, and abuse of death knocking on teens ready to die
because they weren't born straight, like you wanted them to be.
 
you wanted to be free
of everything
of life, death and memory..
 
who's to say what's right or wrong?
we're all just drifting towards the next high, next fuck
without caring of the consequences, if there are any..
 
still, I wanted to care. even if it meant i'd be hurt.
even if it meant i'd die..
would you remember me then?
 
probably not. but that's okay.
i'll wish for your happiness in hell.
heaven really wasn't for us anyway..
 
kiss me?..
 
~End~
Re: towards the end - by J  [message #71688 is a reply to message #71680] Thu, 02 June 2016 20:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Letter_40

New letter, this time.
I wanted to be honest again. So here it is..
Take care. And thanks for reading..

Letter_40

Written by: J
Date: June 2, 2016
Time: 4:51 PM

thanks..
take care..

~~~~~
Letter_40
~~~~~

Hi everyone.

J is here, again.
I wanted to, not really apologize for my last journal, but just to say that there are times where all I can do, is be dark.
Times where I am surrounded by depression. I know it might seem like "Well we already knew that. Look at what you write.."
And you're right. I do write a lot of things that focus on dark topics.

People can be cruel.
People can say things that are mean, and nasty.
Those words they said, and the feelings behind them, they stick with you.
Even if you're having a good day, they can creep up on you like a shadow.
There are times where that shadow is my only friend, and it's all that I can see.

This doesn't make me a bad person.
But I don't think it makes me a good person either.
I have moments where I think "Why would you want to be friends with me? Or even associate with me." "Can I go hide now?"

Hiding for me, it's just something I have to do sometimes.
And there is a limit to how long I can be around people.
Once that limit is crossed, you may see me start to talk to myself, or mumble.
I just have to get out, immediately.
And go back to my room again, so I can breathe...

I do, have negative qualities.
But sometimes we take the 'good' with the bad.
Even though a lot of the time, I have a hard time seeing what's possibly good about me..

Take care. I hope you're all doing well and enjoying life.
Bye for now..

~J
shadows - new poem by J  [message #71800 is a reply to message #71688] Tue, 16 August 2016 20:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New poem tonight. We hope you like it.
I like this poem.. Anyway. Take care. And stay safe and happy. We love you.

~J

-----

shadows

Written by: J
Date: August 15, 2016
Time: 10:24 PM

Thanks for reading. Take care.

-J

-------
shadows
~~~~

we are like fire
our bones dripping in sweat
our teeth, gripping the flesh of those we hate
tripping on the corpses of the dead
we rise to meet the challenge of the civilized
 
those who sit in office, directing our every move
like dark shadows, following and stalking our public space
but emotions will rise
and fire will then turn to flames
that engulf the world in chaos
 
and she will have no chain, no barrier and no holds barred
and she will come from the sky with fire and ashes and blood will be spilled
all for money, the root of all evil
 
cashing in on death and dealers
while little kids try out coke and heroin
the needles become their best friend
little girls want to be pretty, like the barbies they see on TV;
and start to question, "Am I fat Mom?"
 
little bruises
not from his favourite football sport
but from the rage that he feels when he sees his father beat his mother
and he's only ten years old
time heals wounds <that phrase is bullshit
said from those who don't know what it is to live a life of suffering, pain and anguish
 
even now, we're all suffering..
can't escape it, and so it is our friend
and it is our compass
our way of life..
 
we are the ones you see on the streets, without homes
and we are the blood sweat and tears you fought for..
 
we are a life without living
a shell of what we used to be...
 
we are your shadows...
 
~End~
Re: we were liars - new poem by J  [message #71801 is a reply to message #71800] Tue, 16 August 2016 20:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New poem. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.
They do too...
take care..

~J

~~~~~~

we were liars

Written by: J
Date: August 7, 2016
Time: 8:28 PM

thanks for reading this. i appreciate it.
bye..

~J

~~~~~
we were liars
~~~~~

we're caught
in rapture
cobwebs of lies
sitting on a tree of thought...

close your eyes.
you'll see me, in a river of invisibility
used to believe in something like heaven

a world made up of sex and break-ups
break it off with me one more time
after we fuck.

make it hot. make it heavy.
sweet, and bitter mixed
the taste of lust on your lips
bite me once for pleasure
surely i'll respond in kind

we're liars aren't we
we say we love, but we hate
with the most bitter aftertaste

hard
hot
heavy
desperate
cling to me
dear innocence, fleeting..

we were liars too once
but then the sky opened up..
and crashed down...
broken doll - sadness by J  [message #71825 is a reply to message #71801] Fri, 26 August 2016 14:03 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



she was broken..
a broken doll

~~~~

thanks for reading this. we appreciate it..
Take care..

~J

~~~~~
broken doll
~~~~~

inside the holy temple
little angel doll breaks
she wanted to fly too. but the handsome devil took her wings.
 
darkness has an echo in this room too.
we're all just puppets, played on the puppeteer's strings..
soft drink of alcohol.
the perfect persuasion..
we're all liars that way.
 
broken.
most days are hard.
can't concentrate in school.
so we look like fools.
we're caught, in desperation and loneliness..
death in our heartbeats. slow your breathing..
take it in.
relish in the soft sparkle that once was.
 
people are foolish.
stupid. little echoes beneath the sand.
a hand that escapes the surface will weigh upon it a thousand lives of sadness..
i wanted her to have a good day.
because this day is all we have.
and then i'll be gone.
 
i tried..
isn't that enough?
perfect little angel..
 
disappointment..
 
~End~
New poem. - Money. by J  [message #71950 is a reply to message #71825] Sat, 08 October 2016 15:56 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New poem.
I hope you like it. I know it's very long this time.
Sorry about that...

Take care. And stay safe and happy.

~~~~~~~~~

money

Written by: J
Date: October 5, 2016
Time: 10:35 AM

Thank you.

~J


~~~~~
money
~~~~~~

Please
Let me be able to run with you, into the wind.
I want to build a fire and watch the stars fall slowly.
I wanted many things..
But it wasn't meant to be..


Such expectations.
The family name.
Honor.
Pride.

We musn't lower ourselves to the common people.
Because we are naturally above them.
We already have our get out of jail free card.
It's called Money darling.


It's always about the coin.
The two sides.
Much like the world.


Two sides.
Adam. Eve.
Light. Dark.
Twilight. Shadow.

We are blessed (in such a word) I suppose.
It's true.


But what of the grey area?
Of those who don't fit in?

What of those who live their lives, just scraping by?
Not enough money to go around?
Did your big fat wallets run dry?
Surely, it's a shame.


And what of those who aren't straight?
Those who are gay, bi, trans, asexual?

Oh but darling, they're surely a disgrace.
Surely, a stain on the world..
It isn't right you see.


No.
It certainly isn't.

Walking around with your prejudice.
Who decides what's right?
That bible?
Some kind of 'god' (whatever that is..)


Open your eyes.
Look at the suffering all around you.
Don't ignore it.

Try to help..
Aren't we all human?
Regardless of the sociatal bullshit?
Well that's what it is..

We are defined by color.
By race.
By gender.

And it's pathetic that there's a standard that we must live up to...

We live in a world of life, and death.
Pain and hurt.
Torture and suffering...

And your money, is just paper.
Try to get us help, that's fine.
But don't expect us to bow down to your will..

We're all dead inside..
Slowly but surely, depression is our only friend.
It controls and manipulates.
The devil is surely in the mirror.

But then, I am the devil.
Aren't I?

And I walk around in this heavy world with a smile.
Trying to get the best out of life that I can.
With invisible demons that taunt, control and violate my every want and will.

Of course, you won't see them.
You never do..
And I go to these appointments to get better, erasing my own individuality for a pill.
Trying to make me be like you..

We truly, are slowly dying..

But we won't be dead until every last scrap of joy has left our weakened bones..
And we are just zombies. Trapped in a world no one wants, but accepts.

Did you think it wasn't coming? Naive..

Worthless little SHIT!

Money can't buy happiness.
Only despair...

~End~
Re: arrows (anorexia poem) by J  [message #71951 is a reply to message #71950] Sat, 08 October 2016 22:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



New poem.
It's about eating. And possibly anorexia.
Feel free to ignore. It's alright.
Take care..

~J

~~~~~~~

arrows

Written by: J
Date: October 8, 2016
Time: 4:32 PM

bye....
i'm sorry..

~~~~~~
arrows
-----

sandwhich.
food.
pain.
eat.
chew.
swallow.

emptiness.
purity.
vanished.


inspect.
calories.
count..
hurt.
numbers.
going higher.
stop.
you're killing me.

weight.
pressure.
thin.
think outside the box.
mask.
worn. protection.

smile.
(is) fake.
painwitheverybite.
i swallow my own misery.

feather light.
(i want to be.)
like angels.

surely, there is value in more than this.

nevergoodenough.
ever.
constance.
reminder.
driven in blood by mid december.

hope?
blank canvas.
empty pill bottles beside her bed.
raw scars. from the fight with the knife.
deeper she wanted it.
but it wouldn't go.
sigh. sadness.
cry. heavy tears. feelings.
demons. with bloody appetites.
rip you to shreds. pieces. scattered.
heart on the floor.

wishing just to be perfect.
like the magazines she reads..
she too is broken.

but you are too.
...

~End~
magic - twisted romance by J  [message #71958 is a reply to message #71951] Wed, 12 October 2016 02:02 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



magic - twisted romance

Written by: J
Date: October 11, 2016
Time: 10:00 PM

Thanks for reading.. Take care..

~J

~~~~~~
magic
~~~~~

I wander the streets looking for a reality to bind me with her sharp teeth.
broken bones are essential.
we're broken at birth.brought into a world of hate and oppression.
kept inside a tiny box with no name as of yet.

 I want to feel the dog's teeth bite me.
Remove all impurities and romance.
Cling to a life that's desperate and haunting.
The bedroom can only do so much, to ease the emptiness.

We are caught. Floating figures in white clothes.
Hopeless. Caught in the middle of dog fights and guns fired.
We wait for something more.
But I know all your magic tricks.
Take me into your world.Magic is a mirage, kept tightly bound by sinner's hand and chain..

We are wicked, filthy beings, begging for our own existence
screaming
for someone to hear us.
we are dead inside, almost broken enough to fall to ashes..

I wish to see more..
Would you let me?

~End~

[Updated on: Wed, 12 October 2016 02:05]

beating - poem by J  [message #71972 is a reply to message #71958] Fri, 14 October 2016 21:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



This is a new poem of mine.. Like it, or not, that's okay.
Take care..

~J

~~~~~~~

beating

Written by: J
Date: October 14, 2016
Time: 5:05 PM

thanks for reading.. take care..

~~~~~
beating
~~~~~

I sharpen the knife that guides me to the edge of the earth.
Sigh now.
Let out the empty calling.
Darkness calls to you.
A beautiful scene. Grab the world with your cold hands.
Sift through the memories of lighter days. And empty rain.

With closed eyes and a closed heart, I'm broken between the love and hate I have for this physical sensation called falling.
Still, dark shadows creep up on me. And I'm left in my own filthy self-satisfaction that the sun will rise again.
I wanted to be something more. Something new. Shiny. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Naked.

As my naked self counts the hours of needles laced with karma and bad taste..
But something's gotta give. And I lie awake, bleeding heart strings and old crusty music.
The magic of language has gone.
Left me sitting in the street, cold and alone...

Surely, there's something more to life than this..
Surely...

~End~
Re: multiple - sadness by Josh (J's Poems)  [message #72023 is a reply to message #71338] Sun, 23 October 2016 15:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Ashdaw is currently offline  Ashdaw

Toe is in the water
Location: Sydney Australia
Registered: October 2014
Messages: 46



It is sad that you post such sad poems Josh. Has life dealt you such a blow that it deserves to have nothing but negative?
I do hope that you can find something other than just sadness. Smile
icon14.gif Re: multiple - sadness by Josh (J's Poems)  [message #72024 is a reply to message #71338] Sun, 23 October 2016 15:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
William King is currently offline  William King

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2016
Messages: 98



Hauntingly beautiful reflections on life shrouded in the gloomy melancholy of damp and dismal rainy days. An atmospheric sad and lonely exuberance that lets every word speak volumes.  I have not read every poem, but those I have count a lot.
Re: multiple - sadness by Josh (J's Poems)  [message #72047 is a reply to message #72024] Sun, 30 October 2016 03:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Thank you very much William.
Take care. Smile

~J
Re: multiple - sadness by Josh (J's Poems)  [message #72048 is a reply to message #72023] Sun, 30 October 2016 03:40 Go to previous message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Thanks Ashdaw.
I do have moments of happiness.
Take care okay. Smile
Previous Topic: Outside our niche, which is a shame
Next Topic: Hiraeth by Huw Jones
Goto Forum: