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A journal I wrote today...  [message #71636] Sun, 29 May 2016 20:09 Go to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



I first posted this on my deviantart.com page.

And I wanted to share it here too. Because this site has wonderful people on it.
Take care. I hope you're all doing well.
Stay safe and happy.

~J

~~~~~~~
Journal entry by J    Date: May 29, 2016  Time: 4:09 PM
Thank you..

~~~~~~

Hello.
My name is Josh. Though I prefer to go by J.

Anyway. Hi.

For those who watch me on DA, and for those who don't, I do tend to write a lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot. This isn't a bad thing mind you. But my mind tends to think a lot. Hence, I write either what I think, or what I see in my head.

I know that life is hard a lot. It can be horrible. I know that life is full of pain and suffering and heartache. It's not easy when you are suffering, to just 'cheer up.' It's not that easy. I don't know if this is depression. It might be. And that's fine.

For me, most days, I spend the majority of time in my room. It's my safe place. It's safe from everything and everyone else. I don't have to worry about what's going on outside.

I do tend to sleep a lot. Mostly out of boredom, as my house is kind of off the beaten path. There is a lot of trees here. And there's a forest path too.

I was once working at the Salvation Army, as a volunteer. I loved working there. And it was really fun. The people were really nice, and I got along well with them.
But suddenly, it just became too much. And I was afraid to go there. I wasn't looking forward to working there anymore. I instead, got anxieties about it. And so I stopped going.

That was around 6 years or more probably now.

And now, I basically find most everything hard, if it's new.
For instance, I know how to do wood. (What I mean by that is the splitting and piling of wood for Winter in the woodshed. We have a woodshed here.)
And my current dream job (something that I really want to do,) is be a cashier somewhere. Mainly because I'm good at typing. And I think that would be a good job for me, and something that I would enjoy.

My dad is teaching me how to plant flowers in the garden, and I'm helping him with that now. And it's kind of stressful, but really fun at the same time. I do enjoy it.

I know that I will eventually, have to move out on my own one day. Yes I am 27 and still live with my parents.

Even though I want to, the very thought of it sometimes, really scares me. Partially because I won't be here anymore. I'll be somewhere new. But mainly because I may be either by myself (which is terrifying), or moving in with another family, or something like that.

I don't know why everything is so scary to me. What will I do? How will I react? Will I be okay? I can't do this. I can't do this.. I can't do this!!!!!

I used to self-harm quite often to calm voices in my head. Though now, I'm not sure if they even are voices. I've seen things happen too that didn't happen in 'reality.;
Like people dying.

I do remember. One time, I saw a little boy, going near a well. He was with his Mother. And they were on a hill. The well was just a down the hill a little ways, so the boy went off on his own. And he saw a woman floating inside the well. And her arm and hand were stretched out. And when the little boy saw her, he didn't say anything. I think he was scared.. He probably was... So he went back to his mom and squeezed her hand..

I know I've focused a lot of my writings on death. And hospitals..
Sometimes I think it would be better if I could just stay in my room forever and never come out.
I am scared of it.

People generally annoy me. Or I'm scared of them, so I only say they annoy me. I can be friendly, and courteous, but inside, I want to run away as fast as humanly possible and run to my room and close the door.
It's interesting, because right now I'm upstairs, in my living room.

My room is my safe place.
I'm safe there, to an extent...

My head is often on overdrive, I feel.
And the voices that are here, one of them isn't nice.
It likes to treat me like shit. And yell and scream and abuse me.
Not fun.

And I have no idea why I'm telling you this.. But I am.
So.. yeah...

Anyway..
Take care.
And stay safe and happy..

bye...

~J
Re: A journal I wrote today...  [message #71651 is a reply to message #71636] Mon, 30 May 2016 17:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I don't have anything useful to say except that I am reading. I always read when you post from the heart. I htink this is the most you have ever told us about yourself and your life.

May I ask you some questions? if I may, would you prefer them to be private or public?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: A journal I wrote today...  [message #71652 is a reply to message #71636] Mon, 30 May 2016 20:47 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Hi Timmy. Smile

And sure you can ask, but could you inbox me the questions.
Thank you. And take care.

~J
Re: A journal I wrote today...  [message #71653 is a reply to message #71652] Mon, 30 May 2016 21:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



"Josh wrote on Mon, 30 May 2016 21:47"
Hi Timmy. Smile

And sure you can ask, but could you inbox me the questions.
Thank you. And take care.

~J

--
I am using the Private Messaging system here. If you feel the questions and answers may help someone else please feel free to publish those you feel appropriate. 



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: A journal I wrote today...  [message #71654 is a reply to message #71653] Mon, 30 May 2016 21:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Alright Thank you.

I'm hoping I can help someone. I hope I can.
I'll try my best to be here for people who need help.

~J
Re: A journal I wrote today...  [message #71655 is a reply to message #71654] Mon, 30 May 2016 21:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



Sometimes it helps another soul because they see that another sufferer is brave enough to speak, even a little, about what they are going through.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: A journal I wrote today...  [message #71656 is a reply to message #71655] Mon, 30 May 2016 21:47 Go to previous message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



True..
I don't think I'm brave though..
I just say how I feel....
Even though that's hard enough as it is..

~J
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