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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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how does one express the pain and rejection of a sibling that shows so much hate?
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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That one line expresses pain. But out of context it is hard. A brither might fear that he, too, might be latently gay. So many things drive hate.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Is the pain and rejection felt by the one showing the hate? I'll presume you mean felt by the "hate" not the "hating."
Is the hate new, or lifelong? Is there a reason stated for the hate?
For what it's worth, I'll lovingly lick that whipped cream off if you like! Okay, not the same, I know.
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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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one heck of a good friend trevor>I got some fantastic news tonight,I was invited to the 45th reunion of our high school in Michigan Wow! Talk about getting your socks blown off. My brother is a so-called born again christian but he sure has issues with homosexuals.Probibly because he was molested by an uncle.I really pity him he is such a control freak. Trevor,you have always been nice to me.You may not know how glad that makes me feel.There IS love and fellowship to be found here.Timmy is the best.Ask him about the horses ass and about Gordon.I wonder if Gordon and my dear buddy from down under are related?hehehe much love rob
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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It is a thing that happened to him that causes his hate. No amount of rationalising will remove it for so many valid psychological reasons.
In part it is a defence against further abuse. In part his feelings of guilt at allowing the abuse to happen (normal, and so odd to those of us who have not suffered, and so normal to those who have suffered).
Even during a molestation, evem with fearinvolved, he may have found the physical sensations pleasurable (autmatic body reaction: "this is sex, achieve orgasm"), and may worry that he is gay.
There are so many deep seated reasons. All you can do is to understand him, but not patronise him in any way. This list of reasons is not "all inclusive".
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Yes, Timmy is right. I do get very paranoid about being TOUCHED by an older man and I cant handle ppl scaring me or too many ppl near me at once.. I am full of phobias it seems... 
I have a Brother that is only 2 years older than me and he is NO homophobe. HE knows my feelings and never has made ANY negative remark. He says he doesnt need to go round HATING or DESPISING gays, he said he knows that his sexual preference is for Women and that he has no worries about being around gay ppl.
If your Bro is REALLY a christian, he will learn to accept the YOU and how you are not, what your preferences are for partners. As you want to be shown kindness and understanding, so should you show it?
Just something from one that is still young..
People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Really, practically everyone here will show you their kindness as long as you don't rub them too hard the wrong way. Hmm - take that as you will - with or without dessert toppings!
We are a family, after all, and you are now a part of that, Rob, as are Brent and Saben and all the regulars. Okay, so maybe a few of the drop-ins are just inlaws. The lurkers are the half-brothers we just haven't met yet.
Sadly, if you didn't pick up on Ash's first paragraph, he seems to have something in common with your brother.
About your predicament, Rob, I don't know what to say. I think you need to show him all your compassion and love and realize he is a victim and will have permanent emotional scars even if the molestation was "minor."
If you can think of a way to show him that YOU aren't a rapist/child molester or convince him that statistically a greater percentage of hetros are criminal sexual deviants, that might help, but probably not much. Maybe the best you can do is to not "flaunt" it or discuss it and be the more compromising brother.
I do think abused people's phobias are very justified. Sexual assault is incredibly personal, usually painful, and degrading, and "could have been avoided if only I had . . " from the victims standpoint, so there is self blame and esteem issues. So, um, cut him some slack, okay? Well, you probably already do, but you may never be able to really reconcile this issue. It may help him to know you are trying, though. I am slowly starting to realize that my r/l family is the only one I will ever have, so I may as well accept them and love them the best I can and try to let them do the same.
This is a little off topic, but I wonder just how many people are molested/raped/etc? When I count up just the few people I know well enough to actually talk about this, its scary as hell. My wife, both sisters, sister in law, mother, and a nephew (that I know of) all share this sad history.
*HUGS* for Ashley, your brother, and the rest. But, I think e-hugs best in this case.
Well, as usual I don't claim to know squat and hopefully someone wiser will say something helpful. Dr. David? I shouldn't really be posting when I'm this tired anyhow. So g'night.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Reunions are tricky things - I enjoyed HS and yet I won't go. Enjoy yours!
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I just want to add my voice to what's already been said, Rob. If he needs control, make sure he knows you don't mind him being in control however he needs to achieve that.
That doesn't mean that you have to let him control you, however. Keep trying to point out that you aren't the same as your uncle, and aren't any threat.
If he's hurtful to you, don't return it in kind. You might have to choose to distance yourself, but even in doing that you can still be clear about why you're doing what you're doing. Example: "I need to keep my distance from you right now because you're hurting me, and also because I don't want to hurt you. But I love you and I hope we can get closer again..."
The number of people who have been molested seems pretty high, Trev, in part because those who haven't been interfered with rarely feel the need to say that they haven't been. Kind of a silent majority sort of thing, I think.
It also of course depends on exactly how you define "molested".
There's also a lot of interesting research work being done lately about the "social construction of reality." Sounds complicated, and it sometimes is. Sometimes people are very suggestable, and come to believe that they were molested, etc. at times even when they may not have been. Very interesting book about that called, "Believed In Imaginings" (author's name escapes me, and the book is at my office...)
Not that anybody by any means should have a report of abuse thrown back at them with, "You're imagining all that!". It's just that abuse shouldn't be automatically assumed.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Just walk away. Shut them out. It may be extreeme but it works for me.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I believe all the females in my family have been "assaulted" sexually in one way or another at one time or another. My Nan, my 3 aunts and my Mum.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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