A Place of Safety
I expect simple behaviours here. Friendship, and love.
Any advice should be from the perspective of the person asking, not the person giving!
We have had to make new membership moderated to combat the huge number of spammers who register
















You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Long time....
Long time....  [message #67275] Tue, 01 January 2013 17:33 Go to previous message
saben is currently offline  saben

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



It's been a long time since I've been here, even longer since I've posted. I think I was pissed off over something at some stage and didn't want to come back and when the forums changed to the new style (which ironically is something I'd called for in the past) it made it much easier to leave behind a place I once felt was home.

I've been going through an emotionally turbulent period recently, though, and strangely I didn't know anywhere else I felt I could communicate my feelings. Trying to break into any new community with a post laden with angst would feel awkward and something like my facebook is too public. This isn't quite the place I used to visit 10 long years ago. But it's also got some familiar faces left that know a little about me and who I feel comfortable being honest around. I've got my wonderful boyfriend that I've been with nearly 8 years, but given he's a part of my life it can be hard for us to distance ourselves from each other or offer an original or outside perspective. We love and know each other so much that we finish each others' sentences (sickening, I know, especially considering I never had an ambition to be a romantic) so I think I want to share this with others.

But where to start? I feel like I have such a whirlwind of emotions going on around me. I'm not sure whether to have a single post or multiple... I guess I'll just start with a few of the things I'm feeling and go from there.
  • I'm living in Japan again now, but thanks to homophobic laws here and at home, my partner can't get a Dependent Visa. He's limited to short tourist stays of 90 days at a time. He missed my birthday, Christmas and New Year's. It's been lonely, but as always I underestimate the impact my emotions will have when decision making. I reason myself into these situations and realise I feel things more deeply than I expect to. I love my partner and never want to be apart from him.
  • Simultaneously I can't shake the part of me that is fixated on younger guys. Although I love my relationship so much, part of me wants more. I don't think I'd want to trade my relationship, but in some ways I covet the Greek pedarastic traditions where a man could have his relationship but also have a special connection with a younger protégé.
  • Specifically I recently developed a crush on a younger (but still legal) guy. I have an "in theory, but seldom in practice, open relationship" and my partner was in Australia so the reigns were loosened more than usual. So I actually told the object of my affection of my interest but despite professing a slight bi-curiosity, he wasn't interested in pursuing anything. Now I have these strong "crush" feelings lingering and I'm not sure how to manage them.
  • Thinking about it, part of me just doesn't even find the idea of being an adult, having an adult relationship or pursuing adult "successes" to be appealing. I'm working full time overseas now, I've finished my degree, I'm a "proper adult" yet a large part of me feels less fulfill than when I was 17, in school and having my first "love".
  • I sometimes wonder how much of my fixation towards younger guys comes from my first love having been younger and that relationship having dissipated (he moved without us saying a goodbye) before it began. I wouldn't say I've been heavily fixated on him over the past 11 years. But I still have strong positive feelings towards those experiences, even if not towards him directly. I don't know if those experiences shaped me, or if I'd still be the kind of person to find not just the teenage form, but teenage minds appealing.
  • Over the years I've occasionally searched for that first lost love. Tonight I actually did manage to find him on facebook and sent a very casual message. Just reminding him of the New Years Eve we spent together (as friends at the time) in 2002 and asking if he remembered me. He's got a family and is in a very long term relationship. There's a hint of the boy I loved in his profile picture, but he isn't someone I'd be attracted to today. I'm just wondering what his attitude towards the past will be. And I'm wondering if pursuing "closure" like this will have any impact on me.



So that's about the size of it. If you'd have told me all those years ago that "give it a decade and you won't have any problems at all with being gay, including from your family, but you'll still have good reason to come to this forum to share your feelings" I'm not sure what I'd have thought of it. But I don't know that there's anywhere else I'd feel safer. Even if concerns with "digital footprints" leave me wondering if anywhere is truly safe for anything.

[Updated on: Tue, 01 January 2013 17:34]
 
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Read Message  
Previous Topic: The Solstice
Next Topic: Conversation Therapy Works!
Goto Forum:
  

[ RSS ]
We support Ukraine — Мы поддерживаем Украину — Ми підтримуємо Україну
We support Ukraine We support Ukraine We support Ukraine We support Ukraine
We support Ukraine — Мы поддерживаем Украину — Ми підтримуємо Україну

Please read our Copyright Statement, Disclaimer, and Privacy Policy , which opens in a new screen.
There are no age checks on this forum. If the law says you need (eg) parental consent to post here then you need that consent.
Frankly, we think such laws are silly. They do young people more harm than good. How can you possibly ask questions on a gay forum without coming out to your parents if you need consent?
So it is up to you. If you post here we assume that you are of legal age to do so or have consent if not, and we do not want to know any different
We treat everyone as having good sense and mature judgement.