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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I have had a new young friend email me because of my It Gets Better video
[Updated on: Mon, 29 August 2011 17:03]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I am somewhat sad. I know you all have something you could say. Perhaps you think "My advice may be wrong" but you will be mistaken. Your advice is just that - advice.
Even if all you want to say is "Work through this for it will get better" that is a useful piece of advice. If someone else has also said it (and no-one has so far) then it is still valid, perhaps even more valid to say whatever it is.
Please, a soul is hurting. My advice alone is just that, my advice alone. It is no better than yours! So break the silence, please and 'speak'.
[Updated on: Tue, 30 August 2011 21:33]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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The problem, I believe, is that each of us is different and therefore interpret things differently.In that respect, it is hard to understand exactly what it is that is being looked for. That said, I will do my best as you have for me in the past with my own issues.
It does get better indeed. In the short 2 years I have been here, I have seen many people hit highs and lows in struggling with their own issues while trying to come to terms with who they are and the various skeletons in their closets... Timmy included. He fell for a boy named John when he was about 13 and has been obsessed with him ever since, although I believe he is now gradually releasing himself of that obsession. Tim wrote to the boy several times over the years in hopes that his misguided affections may be returned, or at least acknowledged. Of course the letters were never responded to which drove him even more into despair.With the introduction of technology, he has been able to see the object of his affections as he is today via social networking and realized that the boy he once loved no longer exists and in fact probably never did in the way that his mind perceived him to be. The letters are not a route that I would have chosen for fear of opening myself up, but it is a road that Tim felt was right for him. A road that he needed to travel to find his way. Timmy has on occasion in times of his own turmoil walked along the cliffs in silence whilst debating whether or not to remain on solid ground or see how far he can fly, but always comes back. Most of us do. It is that internal strength and fortitude that keeps many of us coming back to this forum of his. Although he can be short tempered at times (I believe that is called 'being human'), he is mainly insightful and always supportive.Singularly we may be fragile, but as a community we have strength and support. We are who we are. No amount of wishing or pressure from without can change that fact.
I also have fought many battles with myself because I am gay and I haven't yet figured out if I am winning or losing, but I do know it is getting better every day.
I prefer guys that don't come in a box.
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The problem I have in addressing this issue is that I live, work, play, love, and generally exist as a human being who happens to be Gay and that's the way its been for me for twenty plus years. I am 1000% comfortable with being a cocksucker- no worries about it. Folks who don't care for that attitude? Fuck -em!
Coupled with my profession,(journalist) and as Des, Tim, and Warren can all attest to, my rather abrasive nature and personality, I do not suffer morons and the corporate christians at all.
Now, to matters of the heart. I have a 22 year old son whom I love dearly who also happens to prefer males to be intimate with and has had the extraordinary ability to have loved the same young man since they both were 14.
That is not to say that they have not had their moments- which I might add made life miserable for others as well. Through thick and thin, and in the case of my flat's walls the thin part annoyed me at 3AM when my progeny was loudly encouraging his boyfriend to continue to "love" him in a more, shall we say "forceful " manner, and they have survived as a couple.
They love each other- and its obvious. Look- the part that most folk miss out and seem to not understand is that it isn't about sex, although my two are most assuredly as determined as rabbits in that regard.
What it is about is a sense of intimacy, companionship, partnership in the truest sense of the word. You cannot have obsession in the equation. Why you ask? Simply this, the human factor in a mutual companionship is so much more than the physical act, it's the mental act- the emotional ties. Obsessiveness generally clouds the reality.
Today's generations have an opportunity not afforded mine, being LGBTQ is a fact that has gained such rapid acceptance in societal terms that it doesn't raise eyebrows. Now, that is not to say that quite obviously there are significant obstacles and problems.
While the sad truth is that I report on those significant obstacles and problems daily, and there still remains a need for "It Gets Better" vids and the like. BUT, what is positive, is that the LGBTQ community has made significant inroads into obtaining that elusive goal of full equability rights. Same-sex marriage for example is not a dream, it's reality in my homeland of Canada, six states in the U. S., and maybe soon enough the UK will transition from civil unions to full equal marriage.
My point is, that now is a good time to be queer more so than ever before.
I'm not going to regurgitate some silly cliche and patronise the reader of this post whom Tim has asked us all to address. That would be insulting not to mention wrong of me.
What I will do is this, you need someone to talk to who is not going to bullshit you? Call me: 202 556 0877. OR e-mail me at: theroadtraveler@gmail.com.
If you are in the D. C. area? Let's have coffee.
Life my friend is too fucking short to obsess. Don't do it.
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It takes time to reply to these very serious questions, here's what I have to say:
I believe if I had to choose an anthem that describes what it is like to be a gay man the song would be “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” as sung by Kermit the Frog from the Muppets.
The song is a parody about the character’s life, since as a puppet the little cloth covered frog really has no life except in fantasy. But frogs are inherently green, gay men are not. We come in all different sizes, colors and shapes. We are individuals despite the fact that those who hate us would like us all to be the same…and we are very real, and to the bullies of the world that is a terrible inconvenience.
So real in fact that we are a source of fear to others who tend to like their demons easily identifiable. That isn’t to say that gay men are despised only by straight people, there is a lot of identity struggle within the LBGT community itself. It only goes to show that we are human.
The “It Gets Better” campaign is about looking into the future when the present seems so dismal and filled with despair. I would add to that “Don’t give up, get even.” My suggestion to those who are bullied in the formative years of life. For every situation there is an alternative, but it often takes courage to change course in life.
The “get even” part begins when an individual understands that bullies stand on a platform of ignorance. An act of violence may attract attention, but no one wants to be friends with a bully, they can’t be trusted. Prisons are filled with people who were bullies in early life, need I say more?
Gay men have pride, and bullies don’t get parades. Despite all the doubts and worry about becoming a gay man, there is comfort in associating with others who are openly gay. It may be difficult to see that man over there in a dress and high heels as the gay person you want to be, but that’s okay. They are expressing their sense of freedom and the knowledge of who they really are. We each do it differently.
But as a younger man, being open about loving men is not easy unless you are in a caring family. I have always thought that being gay is what I am, not who I am, and that is an important distinction. To have that level of self-pride it takes the confidence of knowing that you are a valued member of society, and that starts with an education of the right kind.
The normal fears of a young man venturing out into the world are filled with concerns about success. It doesn’t take a PhD in any discipline to know that being smart is what gets you paid well. But education serves the individual all the way to the core and provides a sense of well-being. In school? Stay there and forsake the small distractions to study hard, we’re only talking about a few years in what should be a long and productive life. This is where pride begins.
If you learn to value yourself then you may become valuable to others. We all seek acceptance and have a natural instinct to share ourselves with someone special. Some of the gay men I know have been married and formed a partnership with the opposite sex despite their innermost feelings. The urge to bond often drives these relationships and brings with it the understanding that sexual activity is not always the final judge of who we love.
I find it incredibly interesting that a gay man married to a woman is not criticized or even mentioned by the bullies in society. Only a huge lack of intelligence would see two men in a marriage as something different. Forming a family with someone else is probably the most human attribute we possess, only religion worries about procreation, as does the tax man.
To be a proud gay man these days means standing in the front lines against ignorance and prejudice. Just one moment of participation in a Gay Pride event will radicalize your thinking and banish any thoughts of being alone. It does get better because you are not alone…we are everywhere, and not just hanging around in bars.
To a young man of the gay persuasion, having a social life is very important but since gay people can be found in every sort of activity then go out and do something worthwhile. Meeting other gay people is just as easy in a volunteer organization as in a bar, but I still favor school organizations.
Gay is not about sex any more than straight is about sex. Scoring a goal is not half as important as the way you play the game. For those seeking a lasting and loving relationship the emotional attachment needs time to grow. And for many young gay men it takes time to find an equal partner who shares similar interests and affections. There is no sure way to find a mate except to place yourself out there to be seen as the kind of person others will want.
You may have faced years of angst and hidden desires, but none of that will disappear overnight. The range of emotions we encounter in life are all good lessons in how to love. It’s okay to have that crush on a straight boy because that makes you understand how strong our feelings can be.
Life doesn’t give awards because the only person we have to satisfy is ourselves. There won’t be any standing ovations for the drama of loves gained or lost, just the personal knowledge that you tried your best. Win or lose, there is always another game. Even the best of players will tell you that they suffered many defeats and used those experiences to build a better way of playing the game.
So don’t look back with angst at what did not happen, look ahead. Life will teach you that there is only one person you have to please and that is yourself, and only then will you have something worth sharing. Learn to embrace your strengths and promise to work on the weaknesses, we all have them. For even though we all seem so different, we are all just a little bit the same. It’s not easy being gay…could you ever imagine Kermit singing that?
Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read. (Sir Francis Bacon 1561-1626)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I can tell you that my new friend is reading. He apologised to me that he is not yet ready to post. I've explained to him that all he needs to do is to read. When and if he is ready, then he can post.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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JoeWriterMan
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Getting started |
Location: United States
Registered: September 2010
Messages: 20
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Good evening young man.
Tim tells us that you are having a problem with being who and what you are, that your life sucks, and other negative stuff.
Well, let me tell you what... you are just as worthwhile and valuable as the next person. You are here on this planet. Apparently, you have not found your purpose in life.
That's okay. I was a slow learner (a slow bloomer - or whatever the saying is... no wait it is 'late bloomer' - that's it!).
I cam screaming out of the closet at the ripe old age of 39. Like Tim said in his story, I too was married, had one adult son and one not-so-adult-but-thought-he-was-adult son. We were a tight family yet I was not being truthful in any way about who and what I was and am. I was a devoted family man, father, son, uncle, grandson... etc.
I hit a very low place in my life. I was so afraid that I'd lose everything... you know - the family, the position in the community, the house with the white picket fence - if only YOU knew the truth.
The truth had been that I was unable to admit the truth to myself. That's a very bad place to be.
As it were, I met a guy who happened to be gay, an older man much older than I was at the time. No, we didn't do a fling... I was devoted to my wife with whom I loved very much. He talked me through what he had gone through in his life - with self acceptance. Although he'd never been married, and had no plans to marry, he talked to me about self-acceptance.
What I learned and continue to learn is that I'm okay just the way I am. God, if you believe in some sort of benovelent being, loves me just the way I am because I was created this way. Being gay is not something I caught off the top of a fence post or some other inanimate object. I was born this way. Period.
I took the risk: I told my wife of my difficulties. Her reply was "It's about time you figured it out!"
My wife and I were devoted to each other. We were soul mates from the time we first met each other. We had two beautiful sons and lived a good life. Our marriage did not end instead a profound "It does get better" relationship blossomed. She passed away in 2000.
I'm on the other end of the spectrum, Young Man. My parents did not turn me away into the cold. While they do not 'understand' being gay, and they really don't 'get it' to me it matters not. What did devastate me was when my sons disowned me after I told them the truth about their dad. Yes, my oldest son told me to quote "fuck off" unquote.
Young Man, not everyone will love you or embrace who and what you are. This is just reality. No matter how much I loved (still do) my sons their love for me did not withstand the ultimate test.
It is okay today. That happened about 9 years ago. While I think of them often and love them regardless no matter what I had to allow them to think, feel and do as they wish. After all I raised them to be independent, responsible and happy human beings - they are just that.
Loss happens my friend. Sometimes life gets really shitty. One thing that has carried me through all the trials and tribulations of life is the knowledge that I'm okay, and you're okay.
Be yourself. You are good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, and you are capable of loving and being loved. In case no person has told you that they love you today then I say to you: I love you.
Be well.
Life is a journey. It is not a destination.
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It does indeed get better.
I had an obsession as well. I came out to him simply by telling him that I thought I loved him. At 13 and in a new school I was really rolling the dice but I had to. I simply had to. I couldn't look myself in the face ever again if I didn't find out.
It was on a Friday and I caught him just after he left the school grounds. His name was John. I choked. But I had to tell him. "Uhm John, I think uhm , I uhm kinda uhm love you." My heart was beating out of my chest. His response?
He said, "Uhm, I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way about you."
I was crushed. And what was worse, it was Friday and I had all week end to anticipate being outed at school. I slunk home in misery. I rolled the dice and lost and what was worse. I wasn't sorry I told him. I had to know didn't I? Even if it meant Monday my life would be terminated by everyone else in the world? I mean, I was out to NO ONE! And in that day and age it was not at ALL safe to be gay. It was in a period where it was considered a mental illness and the cure was shock therapy!
Monday came and I went to school. Almost ready to vomit at the thought. He was quite popular. One word from him and it was surely all over. I went to my locker and got my books. No one was looking at me any more than usual. So far so good. I then I made my way to home room. Still nothing. I paused at the door and took a breath. He was in my home room. I was about to find out for sure who knew. I walked in and made for my seat. He only glanced at me and went on with his conversation. I was sure that he was giving it to them. But none of them looked my way.
I didn't see him again until lunch. I ate in solitude like always. Trying like usual to be as invisible as I could be. The lunch tasted like sawdust. My mouth was so dry. I managed only a couple bites before I saw it for a lost cause and dumped my tray and made for outside. I had a favorite place at the football field where I could hide and still be able to watch my favorite subject as he chatted with his friends. I sat in my usual place and watched my usual love and my heart seemed to break all over again. When the bell rang I returned to my locker to make the book swap for the afternoon. I saw John talking to his friends. I choked realizing that I would never know him the way I wanted. My eyes welled up but I looked away just as he looked up.
He must have seen me because as I was getting my books out I felt a hand on my shoulder. Here it comes I thought. Surely a punch in the face. But the hand was gentle and as I turned around I saw those beautiful blue eyes looking back at me frames by that perfect pile of golden curls. He smiled, "Are you alright?" At first I couldn't speak. "You didn't tell them?" His gentle hand was still on my shoulder.
"No, it's no one's business. You gonna be alright now?" I nodded and as he walked away I said, "John?" He turned around, "thanks." that was all I could mutter.
I continued to watch him from afar, loving him more now that I ever did before. He knew he held my life in his hands and he at least respected me enough for loving him no to hurt me the way he could have.
We moved before the next year. I never saw him again. Move forward 40 years. I wondered what happened to that boy I so desperately loved. I found him on the net and I wrote to him and thanked him. I told him that he saved my life. Had he outed me I think I might have done the unthinkable. I know I would have before anyone would have the chance to fry my brain. There was no doubt of that. He was married with three kids and I have no doubt that they have a really great father. He told me that he had forgotten about the incident until I wrote. He said no thanks was needed that he only did was right. That no one should suffer from speaking from the heart and although he could never love me the way I did him, he couldn't let someone who loved him come to harm for having done so.
This was last year. Gone are most of the golden locks of curly hair. but not my love. I think I'll always have a special place set aside for him. It was a special love I had for him. And you can see by the way he handled this why I loved him so easily and why it was so special. We weren't friends, we had never spoken before that moment on that Friday night.
Life goes on. And it gets better. Especially today when we are more accepted. I now don't really care who knows I'm out. Tim is right about that part. Once you learn that as long as you are true to yourself, the rest don't matter. It gives you an inner freedom to be relaxed with yourself. And more relaxed with the world. You will find that you will not lose all the friends you thought you would. I've lost none.
My sons know and even read my stories. They are accepting, not tolerating. The difference being support or lack thereof.
So don't spend your life obsessing over that which you know you will never have. Go on, there are others worthwhile. Not replacements, your love for them will be different. But it will still be a good love. Worthy of living for.
In short, get happy. You DESERVE to be happy.
John
Wisdom does not come with age. It occurs because of it.
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Obsession - I need your help, and I need it now 
Re: Obsession - I need your help, and I need it now 
Re: Obsession - I need your help, and I need it now 
