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Hi.  [message #71661] Tue, 31 May 2016 00:00 Go to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Just letting anyone who reads this know, that if you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.
I'll do my best to help you.
Take care. And thanks.

~J
Re: Hi.  [message #71662 is a reply to message #71661] Tue, 31 May 2016 08:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



What I like best is that the people like Josh who are in pain can reach out to others to see if they can help them through what they are going through.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Hi.  [message #71663 is a reply to message #71662] Tue, 31 May 2016 11:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Thanks Timmy.
I know what it's like to be in pain, so I don't want anyone else to feel the way I do.
I want to help people, if I can. And I hope I can.
Take care.

~J
Re: Hi.  [message #71665 is a reply to message #71663] Tue, 31 May 2016 13:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Michael-Kent Dobison is currently offline  Michael-Kent Dobison

Likes it here
Location: South Africa - Gauteng
Registered: January 2007
Messages: 309



Howdy Guys :) 

Been quite some time since I was here too... albeit that I spend a lot of time in the shadows Wink

So strange that I've seen your post this week Josh - It's been about six almost seven months now since I broke-up with my ex and often I drift away to think about what it could have been like if things had worked out between us... But then almost out of nowhere it feels like someone or more aptly something PUNCHES a huge bleeding, painful hole through my chest.
And very shortly after that I'm mostly unable to breathe, if I'm standing up I have to reach out to brace myself or I'll fall flat on my face, if I'm sitting or laying down I can't get up, in fact it feels like my insides are being heaved out through the eye of a needle.
And it's all because of one boy from high school that I just never got over... in fact I know now that none of my relationships have worked out to date because I just keep comparing every guy I meet to this one boy.
I know I should just tell Kurt that I loved him but I just don't think I have the balls... Scariest thing is that there really wouldn't be anything to lose :blush:

I've tried to make changes but I just keep falling into the same old trap and routine (OMG Here comes the hole again... you see now, that I can't even talk about it without a relapse) ...   Sorry I had to take a moment :(

I also got news this week that one of my gay mates is getting married 8o my initial response was W.T.F! (and I kept that to myself) but I congratulated him and wished him well. It probably would have been a lot more sincere if I wasn't absolutely mortified that I was losing another opportunity to be with an awesome guy because I'M JUST TOO DAMN POLITE TO OPEN MY TRAP AND SAY ANYTHING...

On the flip side and with some introspection I don't think I am or have ever been in love? And even more recently I've established that I don't think I want the 'love' or sex... I just want some intimacy, and that's what I miss most about my ex or any relationship I've been in.
The joy of just being able to feel a warm body next to yours when you get into bed, an ambiguous embrace that ends in cuddles on the sofa, a smile when you walk through the door from a long day at work and a simple kiss on the forehead at no particular moment. I call these simple things but whether they are or not is a matter of perspective as with much in life.

My feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness and hurt are also only ever amplified by my feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy and ugliness (People tell me all the time how Handsome and Beautiful I am but I've NEVER Believed it) and I'm just living in a viral negative feedback loop at the moment. It really is quite sad... I've joked with Family and Friends lately that I should just marry my PlayStation and we've all laughed but I don't think I was joking.

I have always been happy being gay, I know it's not an easy lifestyle which comes with its own challenges and acclamation but I would never have changed anything about myself... Up until late last year, I've never questioned my sexuality but it is happening more and more often which also makes me quite uncomfortable.

What the Hell is wrong with me..? Is there really anything wrong or is this just life..? I know they say it gets better but does it really..?

I'm 31 this year and I feel like all the best times are already behind me, maybe all I need is a good swift kick in the ass to get me back on track.. *sigh* ... And so are the days of our lives

Thanks for letting me rant Smile always know I can come to y'all to clear my head and get some good life guidance Smile

Oh and Josh my poetry is still the only thing that keeps me from going right off the deep end, hope you're still writing too Smile

[Updated on: Tue, 31 May 2016 13:02]




"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
Re: Hi.  [message #71669 is a reply to message #71665] Tue, 31 May 2016 13:30 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Hi Michael. Smile
Thanks for sharing  that. Smile

If you did tell Kurt that you loved him, do you think that would change anything? It might. Smile

I can agree with what you're saying.
I've met people (nearly all online,) whom I love dearly. And even though I identify myself as being gay, I don't know if I'll ever have a physical relationship with someone. And there are days where I don't think I'm worthy of it. Or worth anything. But I try  to brush that aside, if I can, and try to be happy again.

I've recently gained weight over the years. But I don't want that to be the focal point of my life. I think everyone is beautiful. No matter what. I don't think how you look matters, it's what's in your heart, and how you can act around others that makes you a good person. Smile *offers you a hug*

There's nothing wrong with you. Smile I've been attracted to guys, and girls in my life. Just be yourself! Smile

And you're welcome. Smile I hope I helped. Smile
Take care. Smile

~J
Re: Hi.  [message #71671 is a reply to message #71669] Tue, 31 May 2016 14:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Michael-Kent Dobison is currently offline  Michael-Kent Dobison

Likes it here
Location: South Africa - Gauteng
Registered: January 2007
Messages: 309



Hey J,

Thanks man Smile and I can totally relate to most of what you're saying - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I just wish people would open there eyes more often.

I think that feelings of inadequacy haunt everyone in one way or another it's what we make of what we've got that makes the difference. It's just that sometimes making the difference is harder than we thought.

As for Kurt (OMG I hadn't realised I'd used his name 8o ) I don't think that telling him would make any difference to him, he's straight and lives in the US, but for me I think it would lift a veil of doubt I've had for almost half my life now.

As with Knowledge vs. Wisdom i believe that same goes for Worth vs. Cost... Now what I mean by that is you may not feel worthy of anything but the cost of not following through is much higher. I totally appreciate that what I've just said is very much the pot calling the kettle black but every so often I take some of my own advise and it helps Wink

"Courage is measured by an individual's willingness to continue fighting even when the likelihood of victory is small." - I've read this quote a few times over the years and it resonates with me for some reason, I guess because not all battles are fought and won on the battle field sometimes the head and the heart are just as much a valid arena to fight off the darkness.

Thanks J, like you said, sometimes juts talking it through is all one really needs to see the light through the trees Smile

P.S. Thanks for the hug *Hugs J Back* :)



"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
Re: Hi.  [message #71672 is a reply to message #71671] Tue, 31 May 2016 14:14 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Josh is currently offline  Josh

On fire!

Registered: April 2006
Messages: 1012



Hi. Smile

Me too.

True. I don't want people to hate themselves. Or to feel bad just because they look different than others. We've all got the same heart and blood in our veins. And we're all human. So at least in that way,, we're alike. Smile

You can still tell him how you feel. Even if he doesn't feel the same way. It might help you. Smile

That's very true. Most days it's hard for me to like myself as I am. Because of the voices in my head and my low self-esteem and self-worth. But I still try to see the good about me. And I hope that you can too. Smile

You're welcome. Smile

And you're welcome for the hug too. Smile *hugs*

~J
Re: Hi.  [message #71673 is a reply to message #71672] Tue, 31 May 2016 14:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I'm with Josh. I let the boy I didn't tell have power over me from 1965 almost to the present day. Telling him I adored him would have resolved this, and I would not have made myself unwell and hurt myself by obsessing over him.

Tell him.

Take whatever happens as the outcome. If he spits at you or kisses you, either is acceptable. In each case you can move on.

What is the worst than can happen?

Latterly I discovered I didn't even like him much

[Updated on: Tue, 31 May 2016 14:50]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Hi.  [message #71677 is a reply to message #71673] Wed, 01 June 2016 09:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Michael-Kent Dobison is currently offline  Michael-Kent Dobison

Likes it here
Location: South Africa - Gauteng
Registered: January 2007
Messages: 309



OK... so it is time and I'm scared as all hell...

I sat last night and wrote a letter to Kurt, short sweet and to the point on how I've been feeling and how I've felt over the years. I've read it, added some things to it, reworded the letter and now... Now I just can't bring myself to hit send...

Is sending him an email even the right thing to do..? Shouldn't I make slightly more of an effort and try to find a number to call him..? How is this going to make him feel..? After all I've said and done I still don't want to hurt him.

I've tried to explain as best I can that I don't mean any malice and that I'd just like him to try and understand... After all shouldn't he take it as a compliment..?

Still so MANY Questions and not very many answers...

I WILL SEND the mail today regardless of the probable outcome... I have to, not for anyone else but for ME

:(:cry::(:cry::(




"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
Re: Hi.  [message #71679 is a reply to message #71677] Wed, 01 June 2016 10:30 Go to previous message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



This is a thing that needs to be purely selfish. Ideally, call him. It takes a lot of will to do it. 

You can not hurt him by telling him he was adored.

Do I need to say that again?

You can not hurt him by telling him he was adored.

Sending an email will not give you closure. I know, believe me I know. It is well worth a  call.

If you email him, send a very simple email. "I'm trying to catch up with my old friends. May I phone you? I don't have your number, I'm afraid. Here's mine in case you would like to call me."



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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