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Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75537] Sat, 16 February 2019 06:36 Go to next message
Joe.mx is currently offline  Joe.mx   Mexico

Toe is in the water
Location: Mexico
Registered: April 2017
Messages: 39



Hi evebody , well the thing is i Made a very good friend on-line (he is a 19 year old guy ) , he told me he have a friend , a boy of 13 years old and he likes this boy , not just sexually , he cares about this boy , he cares about his family ,he want to protect this boy , i believe he is being honest and in in love with this little guy , this boy have a past of abuse , his mom have to move from their city to another to runaway from the husband abuse , but the problem is the age differience , he have 19 and the boy 13 , the boy seems to send him subtle hints of interest of more than frienship , i think from the things that my on-line friend told me that the boy is gay , any advice that you can give me ? To pass that advices to this guy ? Do i Will try to stop that thing , or encuorage this guy to persuit that love ,this guy respects the boy , he never Will try anything with the boy without his consent , what do you think guys ?



Be strong , so that nobody can defeat you ,
Be noble , so that nobody can humiliate you,
Be yourself , so that nobody can forgets you.
Re: Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75538 is a reply to message #75537] Sat, 16 February 2019 06:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Teddy is currently offline  Teddy   United States

Likes it here
Location: USA
Registered: October 2006
Messages: 146



I won't even try to address the age difference issue which can cause a nearly insurmountable plethora of problems at that age. 

What I would caution him about is it almost sounds like he's trying to rescue. If that's the case then he has no business trying to also be a lover. If he's rescuing that should be the sole focus. Once the kid is in a stable situation and maybe even in counseling for quite some time then he can consider the romantic angle. Frankly though, I think he's better off being a friend and keeping it there while he allows the kid to develop a romantic friendship from among his own peers.



“There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.” - Terry Pratchett
Re: Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75539 is a reply to message #75538] Sat, 16 February 2019 06:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Joe.mx is currently offline  Joe.mx   Mexico

Toe is in the water
Location: Mexico
Registered: April 2017
Messages: 39



"Teddy wrote on Sat, 16 February 2019 00:45"
I won't even try to address the age difference issue which can cause a nearly insurmountable plethora of problems at that age. 

What I would caution him about is it almost sounds like he's trying to rescue. If that's the case then he has no business trying to also be a lover. If he's rescuing that should be the sole focus. Once the kid is in a stable situation and maybe even in counseling for quite some time then he can consider the romantic angle. Frankly though, I think he's better off being a friend and keeping it there while he allows the kid to develop a romantic friendship from among his own peers.

--
Thank you Teddy , the kids live with his mom and one little brother and one big sister , the boy is stable and happy now , the abuse was when he lived with his father , they runaway from there and are safe and happy now , the thing is that this friend online ask for my advice , he is a very troubled teen , he told me he has an accident when he was 14 years , he injured his back , he was in bed for 3 years , his friends turn their back on him , never have a visit when he was in the hospital or when when he was recovering in his house , i think he don't have the opportunity of grow up mentally ,seems to me he have maybe 14 years mentally , and in love with this boy , i want to help him but i don't know if is right to encourage him



Be strong , so that nobody can defeat you ,
Be noble , so that nobody can humiliate you,
Be yourself , so that nobody can forgets you.
Re: Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75540 is a reply to message #75539] Sat, 16 February 2019 08:30 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13079



"Joe.mx wrote on Sat, 16 February 2019 06:59"

"Teddy wrote on Sat, 16 February 2019 00:45"
I won't even try to address the age difference issue which can cause a nearly insurmountable plethora of problems at that age. 

What I would caution him about is it almost sounds like he's trying to rescue. If that's the case then he has no business trying to also be a lover. If he's rescuing that should be the sole focus. Once the kid is in a stable situation and maybe even in counseling for quite some time then he can consider the romantic angle. Frankly though, I think he's better off being a friend and keeping it there while he allows the kid to develop a romantic friendship from among his own peers.

--
Thank you Teddy , the kids live with his mom and one little brother and one big sister , the boy is stable and happy now , the abuse was when he lived with his father , they runaway from there and are safe and happy now , the thing is that this friend online ask for my advice , he is a very troubled teen , he told me he has an accident when he was 14 years , he injured his back , he was in bed for 3 years , his friends turn their back on him , never have a visit when he was in the hospital or when when he was recovering in his house , i think he don't have the opportunity of grow up mentally ,seems to me he have maybe 14 years mentally , and in love with this boy , i want to help him but i don't know if is right to encourage him

--

Out of the two people it is your friend who needs the most help. It is important that you encourage him to speak of his trouble of rejection by his old friends. He needs friends of his own age. He needs to speak to a, maybe paid, maybe volunteer trained person who will help him to understand himself before he considers what he wants out of his friendship with a much younger lad.

Age difference itself is not important. Lawfulness is. Even if the younger boy is as gay as gay can be, and expresses open desire for your friend, the older boy has the duty to refuse, certainly until the younger is of legal age. He needs to do it well and with the younger boy's feelings in mind.

We do not know what the younger boy is feeling. Whatever it is he will feel it very strongly. At 13 we feel everything as if it is our last day on earth. BUT we also do not know whether your friend is misinterpreting the 'signals' he is getting.

Can he be happy to be a rock, a really good older brother, for the younger boy?

[Updated on: Sat, 16 February 2019 08:31]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75542 is a reply to message #75540] Sat, 16 February 2019 18:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Joe.mx is currently offline  Joe.mx   Mexico

Toe is in the water
Location: Mexico
Registered: April 2017
Messages: 39



"timmy wrote on Sat, 16 February 2019 02:30"
"Joe.mx wrote on Sat, 16 February 2019 06:59"

"Teddy wrote on Sat, 16 February 2019 00:45"
I won't even try to address the age difference issue which can cause a nearly insurmountable plethora of problems at that age. 

What I would caution him about is it almost sounds like he's trying to rescue. If that's the case then he has no business trying to also be a lover. If he's rescuing that should be the sole focus. Once the kid is in a stable situation and maybe even in counseling for quite some time then he can consider the romantic angle. Frankly though, I think he's better off being a friend and keeping it there while he allows the kid to develop a romantic friendship from among his own peers.

--
Thank you Teddy , the kids live with his mom and one little brother and one big sister , the boy is stable and happy now , the abuse was when he lived with his father , they runaway from there and are safe and happy now , the thing is that this friend online ask for my advice , he is a very troubled teen , he told me he has an accident when he was 14 years , he injured his back , he was in bed for 3 years , his friends turn their back on him , never have a visit when he was in the hospital or when when he was recovering in his house , i think he don't have the opportunity of grow up mentally ,seems to me he have maybe 14 years mentally , and in love with this boy , i want to help him but i don't know if is right to encourage him

--

Out of the two people it is your friend who needs the most help. It is important that you encourage him to speak of his trouble of rejection by his old friends. He needs friends of his own age. He needs to speak to a, maybe paid, maybe volunteer trained person who will help him to understand himself before he considers what he wants out of his friendship with a much younger lad.

Age difference itself is not important. Lawfulness is. Even if the younger boy is as gay as gay can be, and expresses open desire for your friend, the older boy has the duty to refuse, certainly until the younger is of legal age. He needs to do it well and with the younger boy's feelings in mind.

We do not know what the younger boy is feeling. Whatever it is he will feel it very strongly. At 13 we feel everything as if it is our last day on earth. BUT we also do not know whether your friend is misinterpreting the 'signals' he is getting.

Can he be happy to be a rock, a really good older brother, for the younger boy?

--
Thank you Timmy ,you are right the older one is the one that needs more help ,i don't know if he can afford a therapist , he passes his days closed in his house , he plays the piano , he plays in weddings and in church , that is his income , he lives with his mom and grandmother ,i told him that he needs Friends and a partner of his own age , i don't know what is the legal age of consent in my country but i know he Will have troubles until the boy have 16 years , i told him that the boy need to grow healthy fisically and menthally , he have to let this boy find his path in his time and in his therms whatever happens he have to be his big brother the boy needs a male figure in his life ,i told him he need to go out and make Friends but like you said the rejection of his old Friends seems to affect him , he have a very low self steem he told one time that he never Will be happy and that he just have to kill himself (3 times he has mentioned that) , i was shoked and i try to get him distracted from that thoughts , i passed him the link of the story shelf of this site and guided him to authors that writes about hope ,that suicidal thoughts is what is worrying me the most , i dont think he really Will do it but i don't know how to help him , i'm sure he never Will try anything with the boy without his consent that is not a worry , he seems to be a very nice young man and have a good soul , i don't know how to help him , and i don't know how i ended worrying for him but i care



Be strong , so that nobody can defeat you ,
Be noble , so that nobody can humiliate you,
Be yourself , so that nobody can forgets you.
Re: Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75543 is a reply to message #75542] Sat, 16 February 2019 18:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13079



"Joe.mx wrote on Sat, 16 February 2019 18:26"
--
Thank you Timmy ,you are right the older one is the one that needs more help ,i don't know if he can afford a therapist , he passes his days closed in his house , he plays the piano , he plays in weddings and in church , that is his income , he lives with his mom and grandmother ,i told him that he needs Friends and a partner of his own age , i don't know what is the legal age of consent in my country but i know he Will have troubles until the boy have 16 years , i told him that the boy need to grow healthy fisically and menthally , he have to let this boy find his path in his time and in his therms whatever happens he have to be his big brother the boy needs a male figure in his life ,i told him he need to go out and make Friends but like you said the rejection of his old Friends seems to affect him , he have a very low self steem he told one time that he never Will be happy and that he just have to kill himself (3 times he has mentioned that) , i was shoked and i try to get him distracted from that thoughts , i passed him the link of the story shelf of this site and guided him to authors that writes about hope ,that suicidal thoughts is what is worrying me the most , i dont think he really Will do it but i don't know how to help him , i'm sure he never Will try anything with the boy without his consent that is not a worry , he seems to be a very nice young man and have a good soul , i don't know how to help him , and i don't know how i ended worrying for him but i care

--
I think you have never met the older boy in real life?

One thing you can do for him is to be his rock. There is a probem with giving him advice. He will not listen to it properly until he is ready. What I think you can do for him is to show him routes he may wish to take without advising him to take a route. "Let's explore what might happen if...." And choose only positive routes.

Talk about his injury. What does it let him do. What does he find difficult or imposisble now. Askig how he was injured is harder. I volunteer with folk who have disabilities. I never ask. I wait for them to decide to tell me.

Find out what he enjoys. How important, apart from being his income, is his church to him? Does it have groups who meet for conversation not about religion?

Some therapists will help folk for a very small cost. Others charge huge fees. One thng I know woudl help is a sort of 'mens group' guided by a therapist, whenre everyone can soeak in safety to the group. These usually cost less than one to one therapy.

I am not an expert. I write on Emotional Health issues for a UK therapist. Reading some of the pieces may help you to help him




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75544 is a reply to message #75543] Sat, 16 February 2019 22:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Teddy is currently offline  Teddy   United States

Likes it here
Location: USA
Registered: October 2006
Messages: 146



After reading the rest of the story, I agree. It is the online friend in need of love, help, intervention, etc. My heart goes out to the young man. Sometimes life just sucks.



“There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.” - Terry Pratchett
Re: Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75545 is a reply to message #75543] Sun, 17 February 2019 05:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Joe.mx is currently offline  Joe.mx   Mexico

Toe is in the water
Location: Mexico
Registered: April 2017
Messages: 39




One thing you can do for him is to be his rock. There is a probem with giving him advice. He will not listen to it properly until he is ready. What I think you can do for him is to show him routes he may wish to take without advising him to take a route. "Let's explore what might happen if...." And choose only positive routes.

Talk about his injury. What does it let him do. What does he find difficult or imposisble now. Askig how he was injured is harder. I volunteer with folk who have disabilities. I never ask. I wait for them to decide to tell me.

Find out what he enjoys. How important, apart from being his income, is his church to him? Does it have groups who meet for conversation not about religion?

Some therapists will help folk for a very small cost. Others charge huge fees. One thng I know woudl help is a sort of 'mens group' guided by a therapist, whenre everyone can soeak in safety to the group. These usually cost less than one to one therapy.

I am not an expert. I write on Emotional Health issues for a UK therapist. Reading some of the pieces may help you to help him

[/quote]
--
Today we are chatting we are now almost for 2 hours , and seems that he is making a little progress , well at least he is positive this night , he is reading "just hit send " of grasshoper , he went to church this afternoon , everything is ok for now , he started to listen to some of advice , he open to me to talk about his accident , a very sad story , he is feeling good for now , i think if he writes about his heart pain and scars that Will help him , i think Timmy you Will have a potential author , he will have a good sleep tonight



Be strong , so that nobody can defeat you ,
Be noble , so that nobody can humiliate you,
Be yourself , so that nobody can forgets you.
Re: Hi guys , need advice with something   [message #75546 is a reply to message #75544] Sun, 17 February 2019 05:43 Go to previous message
Joe.mx is currently offline  Joe.mx   Mexico

Toe is in the water
Location: Mexico
Registered: April 2017
Messages: 39



"Teddy wrote on Sat, 16 February 2019 16:00"
After reading the rest of the story, I agree. It is the online friend in need of love, help, intervention, etc. My heart goes out to the young man. Sometimes life just sucks.

--
Yes Teddy , he is a very good young man in need of love , he told me that his favorite song is "somebody to love " of Queen , that says a lot , thank you for care



Be strong , so that nobody can defeat you ,
Be noble , so that nobody can humiliate you,
Be yourself , so that nobody can forgets you.
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