I expect simple behaviours here. Friendship, and love. Any advice should be from the perspective of the person asking, not the person giving! We have had to make new membership moderated to combat the huge number of spammers who register
silence... Speaks louder then words, doesn't it. Reaching out, even though we're afraid. Too much shame, we wash our hands in the rain to reject and reflect on the reasons we're upset. But this isn't a rhyme. It's not like that time we lie awake at night, screaming that we're being thrown down left and right. And it's not a battle with swords or guns. It's not a battle to be won, hands full of scars. This isn't a memory to be erased. It's not a fist clenched in desperate desire. Try to light the fire behind the sad eyes. Try to find a way to ignite desire, make way for what is right. Even if we're wrong in the end, we'll still have tried. This isn't a story where we all get together to apologize for wishing for the right thing. I'm sorry for saving you. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I love you. Like love is a snowflake. Something so small, but cold and fleeting. I too am sorry for the words I speak, but do not. Because I cannot. I wish I could. I wish I could be bright soul. Something not fake or projected with valor and medals. I wish I could see again. Instead of being reminded day after day, of heartbreaks and failures. We put on our backpacks and our prepared face. A strong outlook. Something we've rehearsed time and again. If only.. birds could fly. And we could swim in an ocean of respect and happiness.. But this is not a story. And this is not a writing. These are not faults or voices or decisions or choices we've made. And we did make them. This, is life.. Somehow we're always unprepared to take that first step. To overcome fear, and turn to our deep-seated courage. This is not a love song.. This is not a rhyme.. This is.. reflection.. ~End~ ~~~~~ silence Written by: Joshua Ward Date: July 28, 2013 Time: 2:23 PM Thank you. And take care. Stay safe, and be happy. ~Josh~
break a little.. see the real me.. ~~~~~~ New poem. Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it. ~Josh~ ~~~~ cry a little for me Written by: Joshua Ward Date: August 5, 2013 Time: 8:45 PM Thank you. ~Josh~ ~~~~ your essence your, purity Spirits break, and crash at the knees. Worlds calm and young ones bleed, to relax and calm down World spins around and we can't stop the blame and resistance Words like Love and Forever, are drowning in the bloody water. We kill to feel. We break to stay awake. We are young. Frightened. Scared. Afraid. Why do I cry when you walk away? When you yell, or scream at me. It's my fault, you say. You're just like your Mother, who passed away, that same day. Closure isn't fun, it breaks us all apart. Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll see heaven, through an eagle's eyes down the block. Maybe I'll see flowers, instead of watery graves, and wishes from the young boys and girls of today. Those who are ignored when they cry. Or are told that we all deserve to die. It's the small things that hurt the most. Cry a little, but get stronger so it won't hurt, as much.. Because things are all black or white. Live or die. Crawl or fly. Can you hear my heart beat, inside my chest? Or the words I speak when there's nothing left inside me to give. Can you feel the sweat running off my back from your choking words like You'll never get it back! Maybe hardened hearts are for the best. No more laughter. Only tears. Ways to get rid of all our fears. We repress and regain our sense of doubt. If it was only that easy.. But it's not.. ~End~
if only.. we could be... ~~~~~ if only Written by: Joshua Ward Date: July 28, 2013 Time: 3:31 PM Thanks for reading this. Take care. And stay safe, and happy. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ if only down. Depths of darkness take hold. We're reminded to try and recognize that we cannot fly. We don't have wings. only angels do. And fairies, butterflies the stuff of fairy tales. We're shaken at the core of loneliness as darkness calls. We can't hide from our fears. Growing up young, we learn to deal with the fear inside our chest. But we still haven't run the race yet. We hear songs on the news all the time. Where young have died, and are now buried beneath the hot sun. Can you hear their memories float to the surface of your pen? Would you write, and recreate based on recollection? Bring them alive again. So that we can speak without restraint or warning. Where words mean so much. Where I love you, is more than just a phrase. There is meaning in words. We try to fly in airplanes, try to touch the sky. But we can't. We reach out and grab what isn't there. What haunts our dreams, and darkest nightmares. We wish still, to fly. To turn away from the darkness, where light and happiness continue to exist. So that we can forget to wish. Forget to dream. Forget the powers that be, the unseen. Clench your heart and close your eyes. Forget the bad times and the lies. We want to breathe. To live without regret. Where love isn't a bouquet of roses you can buy. Where moans and ecstasy lie under the covers. Where he kissed you. And told you you were everything. But in the morning, we're awake again. Knowing nothing changed. Words can change a world. If only our loneliness had a voice. If our emotions were real. With a face, and a heart. If we could hide nothing.. Where being honest didn't come with apologies and tears. Be honest to me. Show me. Release unto me your delights and satisfaction. If only for a moment.. we could be.. ~End~
New poem. I hope you like it. Thanks for reading this. ~Josh~ ~~~~~~ breathing_3 Written by: Joshua Ward Date: July 15, 2013 Time: 1:08 PM Thank you. ~Josh~ ~~~~ scars. painted on hats because we didn't give a rats ass whether we passed or failed. It wasn't up to us to breathe, or live like it's our last day. When every moment, and every second can't be brought back. Even now. Right now is all we have. There's nothing afterwards. Except a dark subtle emptiness that braves the hollow storm of our shattered hearts. And we bleed for the moment. Aching for starvation to heal our empty wounds. The heart beats faster. And we start to remember why we cared. Why we dared to speak when they told us not to. Why we hid underneath bridges even when the tide was coming in. We wanted the rush The high feeling. Like flying over mountains. Small, but life-like. Like we were dying. It's not something easy. It's cruelty. And shame, all wrapped up on the faces of little children. Who's parents quietly beat them. Because they dared to speak their mind. But god was too busy to care to intervene. And we watched the world fall, like paper. Crumbling before us. We give out our hearts, only to have them crushed. But we still breathe. We still want. And ache for love. For someone. Anyone. To see the inside of our souls... So we painted our crosses and dice on blackboards. Trying to fade into the crowd, knowing we never could. That it wasn't possible. We scream with closed mouths. Because it hurts too much. When the only way to live and breathe is to die a little. Pain is the currency of life. Death is the desire we all crave. Wanting to be free. To expose our lies and wishes to the broken world. Where smiles cannot come for free. Where emptiness is a lullaby we sing. And where we close our eyes.. and breathe.. ~End~
untitled (self-harm theme, mature) - by Josh
Note: If you wish for me to take this down, since it is about a serious topic, please let me know. Thank you. And take care. ~Josh~ ~~~~ [s.h] letter Theme: self-harm Written by: Joshua Ward Date: June 26, 2013 Time: 9:27 PM Thanks for reading. Take care. And stay safe and happy. ~Josh~ ~~~ Don't tell me you love me. Don't send me flowers. Don't look at me. Don't kiss me. It hurts when you do. This happiness is painful. Memories surface, even the deep ones. Emotions run high. A night of romance. When in the morning, I felt nothing. Tried again and again, to feel something.. Anything.. Why hang around? Why try again? What's the point when we can just give in. Kiss me one more time, so that I can taste your lie. Lie to me. Tell me often how precious I am. How you love me dearly.. It hurts.. You hurt me like a broken cord. A whip, spread over your words. Wounded again, and I believed. In the lie, the words you had said to me. Forget, forget. It's only words.. So why try? I ask for help, but am denied. I'm the one with the problem. Wearing sweaters. Fake smile. I wear my plastic face, so it doesn't hurt.. I scream because it does hurt. I cry and you ask why. Is it not obvious? I'll trade your life for mine. If I could fit in the shoes you wear, would you care if my life came to a sudden halt? Breathe. Just breathe. Get over it. Loser. Fag. Homo. Fairy. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine Rehearsed lines that I've said a thousand times before.. Grab the knife. It looks so sweet. The blood now runs underneath the skin. I wished, and wanted it to end. Take the pills and break in two. Make it bleed enough for you To care.. Fake smile again. I wanted it to stop. I begged the monsters in my head to back off. But they didn't. Even though I asked. So now it's my fault that my life's a fucked up mess. I know. And I care. Even though I'd rather just stare At the ceiling all day long And not care about the repercussions of it all. But we live a life of secrets to keep. We found a new way to hide the smile, with a lie.. Blade turned into red. My life. Ripped apart. I'm selfish, I know. I'm that and more. Don't want to care. Just shut me off. Take my blood and brain. Take my ashes and lay me to rest on the sea.. Names may never hurt me. Liar. I know that I will die someday. Sometimes I want to. I'll admit. Pretend it's all just sticks and stones Shoved together in a mixing bowl Of courage and insanity. I talked but you didn't listen to me.. I begged you to stop Take a moment, take it all. If only I could watch me fall.. off the edge.. ~End~
Re: untitled (self-harm theme, mature) - by Josh
If I could Gay-themed. Written by: Joshua Ward Date: August 25, 2013 Time: 4:23 PM Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it. ~Josh~ ~~~~ If I could If I could make the day brighter, I would. If I could stop shelving my endless desire to share our love like a fire in the sky, I would. If I could close my eyes and imagine all the world as one big echo of love and happiness, rather than closed fists and hateful words that make blood rain off the tip of your tongue, I would. I wouldn't run. I would just close my eyes. For a while, so that I love you didn't mean a terrified child in the night who's crying because she can't see her girlfriend. No, she had to go away. Mom and Dad said they'd make it all better, and put their broken girl back together again. But guess what?.. It didn't work. And if I could make it rain tears, instead of closeted fears. Who do I tell? Where do I run? All I wanted to do, was love you. And protect and cherish every breath from your soft lips. And run and play hide and seek with you. SO we could hide our fear in the closet, and step onto this ground freely, without stares or rejections. Without anger or hate. We all wanted the same thing... But it wasn't enough.. Was it? So we kept it in. Because gay became a phrase surrounded by hate and laughter. So that sex became something we were shunned for. We're the outcasts. The queer. The avoided because we're so different. But in this day and age, you'd think we'd risen above all the past hate and shame. Where we had to die, just to get by. Where it didn't matter. All you need is love. Love was a dance party. And we danced all night long. Until the morning. Where we'd have to pretend. Where was love when I was bleeding? Making hidden tunnels in my mind to escape the words and hate-fueled punches from classmates? Are we to die because you can't accept, or tolerate? We are the young. The blood on the ground. The moments of truth. I said I had a boyfriend. But we still can't change them all. Think about it.. ~End~
I'm not perfect, and neither are you. But I love you. With all the love in my heart, it's true. Put down the razor, don't keep it all in.. I'll still be here for you from the dawn until the end. I promise. I love you. Take care. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ perfect's imperfections Written by: Joshua Ward Date: December 17, 2013 Time: 10:17 PM Thank you. And take care. ~Josh~ ~~~~~~ perfect's imperfections ~~~~~~ perfect, isn't really perfect.. is it? People make judgments and assumptions all the time. We don't see the struggle. The war we're going through. Putting people on a pedestal seems second nature. Because we love them, we think they're perfect. No problems. No sufferings. How could it be? We realize of course later, that they're just like us. ~~~~ She didn't run away because she was scared. She had to. Run away from misery this time. Hear the words inside your head, your deadly destroying your mind. The misery burns. Like a razor or a blade. Hot burn. Blood and all. She didn't want to. She didn't need to.. She was made to suffer.. Dolls will break.. Does anyone care? ~~~~ He was the ace in the hole. The prodigy. Got all A's. Rose to better places, better things. But he still struggled with addiction. Alcohol and pills. No remedy. See, he didn't have time to see what was in front. what he needed what he gained. Fought off the drugs but still needed to numb the pain that he had inside. But it was all a lie. Up front he was kind and kinda shy. But he needed a rescue. Something to get me out of this depression and sad tunes. He's been around the block. A thousand times or two. Different medicine and pills prescribed, but what was he to do. Fought off demons in both mind and body. Until finally, escape the pain. Grab the gun and say goodbye to the life he lived and those he'd known. Was thrown into a dungeon of darkness and cold hard coals.. Now he didn't make it. But don't you see. He left a trail of roses and new ways to better things. So that even if you're broken, or hurting inside, he'll still be with you. Looking down and smiling, watching you rise to new places and new heights. Put down the razor and the blade, it's time to fight for who you are. Fight for what you believe. Don't get down on the ground and sink in before you breathe. Reach out. Go forth, one step at a time. And believe that there are things in this world worth fighting for, so you don't have to cry.. Now I don't have all the answers, no. We live and breathe stop and go. All the time. As we rise and fall. We may fall a thousand times, but it's so we can rise again. So when the world's against you just remember. Live and love. Who you are. All of who you are. Don't ever be ashamed. Don't look away. Look me in the eye. Don't lie. Just tell me you're alive.. And here. To make a difference, and show you care. Not that problems will fall on deaf ears. That you'll help those in need, without judgement or fear. Help to make a difference in someone's life. And let them know I love at the end of every night.. ~~~ Thank you. ~End~
Love is all we have.. Don't tell us it's wrong.. God doesn't reject us.. You do.. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ his boyfriend Theme: Gay romance Written by: Joshua Ward Date: February 6, 2014 Time: 8:14 PM Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ Sometimes, life is really hard. We get so mixed up in looking good, having the right clothes. Being beautiful, when we're already beautiful enough. You don't need someone to tell you you're beautiful. Love yourself exactly as you are. But this world is cruel. It can be happy too, but we tend to remember the sad times. I guess it's human nature. Inflicting pain on those who've done is no wrong. Saying that being gay is a sin and that you're going to hell for falling in love with a boy or girl, when you're a boy or girl yourself. Why is it so different? We never said you had to be straight.. But what do I know? Maybe you're right, and I'll fall off a bridge and die, while thinking of you.. You really have no idea, do you? He tried to tell you. How it really was. How things were just bad for him.. Really, really bad.. He tried. So he bit his arm once in a while, to release himself from it all. Because it was allways there. On the walls. In his head. He tried to let you know.. That he too, was in love. With a boy. Thought he was the most beautiful boy he'd ever seen.. But you, you turned it around on him.. Saying he needed to be cured. That he needed to repent his sins before God... This boy didn't believe in Hell. This boy, didn't believe in God. He just wanted to be accepted. For you to accept and love him unconditionally, like you're supposed to.. That's all he wanted.. But the boy knew that was impossible. He'd grown. Matured. And he knew this was a world of pain. And heartache. Rejection. He knew it all. But he wouldn't stop loving him. He was the boy's reason for life. For living.. And you, tried to erase that part of him.. Therapy. Prayer.. What bullshit he thought.. He wasn't going to change. And you knew that.. You couldn't stand seeing him hold his boyfriends hand.. He was in love.. And that's nothing to be ashamed of. The boy was happy. He was innocent.. Carefree, with a smile that would light up your day. You couldn't handle that.. Could you? No.. Love is all we have in this world.. ~~~~~ Think about it.. ~Josh~
I wanted to write this. Because I was feeling sad. Still am, a little.. Take care everyone. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ let's say maybe... Theme: Gay romance, heartbreak Written by: Joshua Ward Date: February 7, 2014 Time: 4:27 PM Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ .. So, let's say I was sad. Just having a down day. Would that bother you? Would you want to comfort me? Would I accept that comfort? Let's say that you thought I was cute. I'd be flattered. Maybe say thank you. (Kind of shy) Maybe I'd be in your mind, for a few moments. Maybe it would be nice. Maybe you'd ask for my number. I might give it to you. Perhaps hoping to start a friendship. Maybe we'd get to know each other. Maybe you'd say you liked me. I'd be thankful. Say thank you. I'd look into your eyes, pretty eyes.. And at that moment, I'd have to think. Do I want this? Do you want this? Or would it just be a fling. Just a one-time thing.. And perhaps we'd get together. Have a little romantic dinner. You'd say how sweet or adorable I was. I'd blush slightly. Say thank you again. You'd put your hand in mine. My heart would start to flutter. Do I want this? Do you want this? Maybe we'd end up in bed. We'd exchange the usual pleasantries. Those words are nice to hear. You're cute.. Do you like me? Stroke my cheek. My heart would burst. And I'd say it. Yes. Maybe we'd have sex. Maybe it would be incredible. We'd hold hands at the end. You'd kiss me. I'd kiss you. I'd say I love you. Smiling. You're smiling too. Maybe you'd ask me out again sometime. I'd smile, because I really was happy. You were the one, who made me happy. You began to really mean something, to me. ~~~~~ Maybe, we'd start to see the darker side.. I'd be walking down the street one morning, and see you, with another boy. Your arm around his neck, as you walked. I tried not to notice Your hand, in his hand. Together. Maybe I'd think nothing of it. It's.. it's nothing.. Nothing at all.. My phone.. I check it. And I stare at your number. Maybe.. Cause, I can know what you two are doing.. It's what we did.. And I'm so angry at you.. No.. No, that's not right. Maybe.. Maybe you shouldn't leave your heart so open.. Memories of that time flash back in my head. We were together, in bed. The usual pleasantries. I love you. .. I love you.. I love you.. So I say it.. Whispering "I love you.." I put my fingers on my lips, remembering your scent.. Remembering your hand, in mine. It all comes back to me. So, let's say I'm having a sad day. Don't leave your heart so open.. Heartache is, painful.. I love you.. It rings over inside my head.. And I think of you.. You.. You meant something to me.. Does he mean more to you then me? I hope.. I hope you treat him right.. Don't break his heart.. Like you did mine.. I don't hold it against you. It's okay. It's okay.. That's what I tell myself. Maybe, it will be true one day. For now though.. I loved you too.. ~End~
New writing. Theme: Gay love ~~~~ Written by: Joshua Ward Date: February 11, 2014 Time: 6:42 PM Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it. And I hope you enjoyed it. ~Josh~ ~~~~ with you ~~~~ just a touch.. that's all we needed.. ~~~~~ Breathe in. Breathe out. Realize that all the time you have left, is the time to be free. Cross boundaries. Say the words. Those little pretty words that everyone wants to hear. Words that would shatter the soul a million times. And I'd pick up each tear you cried and kept it in a bottle, safe inside. And if, after the night ended, we made love what would that change? Would it make my world your very core and being? Would you accept it? The loving, aching heart inside my chest that warms at your touch? The mind full of these little moments. Moments where it is only you, and only I. And we are here, at the world's end. Side by side. Where you put your hand in mine and squeeze it gently. This is where I kiss you. But I won't tell you where. We'll get to that later. This is where I memorize your body with my hands. Slowly. Carefully. I want to know every inch of you. Every heartbeat. Every breath. You know what I'm thinking. I'm thinking it too. This one moment, could create something new. Something we both didn't know before. We had to grow up early. Not kids anymore. To know the true meaning of the word love. To create and trace your skin with my mouth. To know every last inch. Slowly, slowly now. I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it too. You'll ask me to kiss you. And I will. I'll know everything, in that first kiss. I'll memorize the way your tongue feels over mine. The way your breathe smells. Minty chocolate. Your body. Take me there. Let me travel the world with you while we're caught inside this mesmerizing moment of lust and passion. If there comes a time where you say those words, mean it with your soul. Let me love you. Pour all of your agony inside my heart. Let me live for you. So that I can taste your essence as it trails along my skin. Love was not lust. Memories of time will travel on, as we walk this road together. Kiss the wind. Our hearts now bonded shall be free from a world of boundaries. Together.. With you.. ~End~
New writing. Thanks for reading this. I hope you enjoy it. Though this is a sad one. Thanks and take care. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ new life Theme: Gay love, tragedy Written by: Joshua Ward Date: February 12, 2014 Time: 7:32 PM Thanks. Take care. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ new life ~~~~~ Okay. So, maybe I'd like to make the night perfect for you. Maybe I'd like to take this to the next level. We've been friends for four years. I'll admit, I'm okay with that. But something in me yearns for more.. Though that may not be right. For I am not the only one in the relationship. I mean, let's say I get this all wrong. Not that I doubt myself. I just want to know.. Four years of memories. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Sometimes happy. Sometimes sad. We've made it this far, haven't we? Perhaps I could take you out to dinner. Something a little romantic. Just thinking about you makes me smile. You would look beautiful. I'd be in awe of you. Like the first time we met. I didn't really know anything about relationships. It was my first time. You approached me in the hallway and we started talking. I found myself wanting to talk with you more as time went on. Maybe I did like you. You were the first who attempted to talk with me. I was happy for that. I was mostly silent in class. My head in a book. Concentrating. Studying. You could say I was a bookworm. Most of the guys thought I was weird. So I came to grips with that. School wasn't really about studying for me. I had, or rather was trying to.. I had this dream. Not the whole graduate and move on with life dream like everyone else had. I just, wanted to meet someone. As it hadn't happened before. I wanted to try it at least. But I was focused on the books. And the grades. The assignments and papers. I hadn't known that you were watching me, all the while. I hadn't known that you would be the one to pique my interest.. But, there did come a time. And I was interested in you. And I was happy that you would pick me. That you'd talk to me. ~~~~ And I was honoured. I was very glad to spend those four years together with you. They were the happiest moments of my life. I could ask for nothing more. Had I the choice I'd try to be a little bolder. To be the guy that swept you off your feet. So, to thank you I decided we'd go out tonight. To one of your favourite restaurants. Silly, I guess. McDonald's. You loved that restaurant. I thought it was cute. We had finished our meal. I got down, on one knee, and pulled out a ring. Nothing too fancy. Something to solidify our love together. I asked if you would spend the rest of your life with me. My heart was pounding so fast.. Worried. Scared. Excited. So many things. So many feelings.. Then I saw you put the ring on your finger. And you said yes. I remember, I couldn't stop smiling. You were the most beautiful boy I'd ever known.. But unfortunately.. All good things come to an end, at some point. We can't stop it. It just comes.. ~~~~ Though my time with you was more wonderful then I could have ever asked for.. I'll admit, I was hiding something from you. For the last year the doctors informed me that I was dying. I know. I know. I should have told you. I guess I hid it well enough.. I knew my time with you was limited. I wanted you to really know how much I truly care about you. What else is there to say.. You're probably reading this full of anger towards me.. Why didn't he tell me? Would you want the love of your life to know this? Of course, you were more than that.. You were everything I ever wanted. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, before now. Dry your tears.. I've prepared myself for death. I'm ready to go.. You probably would say I was very stupid.. And I'd agree with you. I am stupid.. But I've loved you this long. And even when I'm gone, I'll still love you. I'll still watch over you. I just, won't be here anymore. I'm sorry.. I'm really sorry.. I kissed you one last time. And I remembered every moment with you. Every precious moment. You made me laugh. I made you cry. You brought me joy. I've brought you pain.. But this isn't the end darling.. I'll always watch over you. I promise.. ~End~
~~~~ New writing. Theme: Gay love ~~~~ Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ let's pretend Written by: Joshua Ward Date: February 13, 2014 Time: 7:55 PM Thank you. ~Josh~ ~~~ let's pretend ~~~ let's pretend again.. ~~~~~ Let's say I was in love with you. That I wanted you, at first sight. That I fell into the room of first lovers. And first times. I wanted to trace you. Your skin. Your body. Into my flesh. Something seen as tragic, but actually was quite romantic. I felt, I could have something of you inside of me. Not sex. Just a romantic fantasy. Something beautiful.. I didn't want to say it at first. You were a little intimidating. I guess I was the shy boy. The one thinking a million things, but saying none. I felt you were attractive. That you had a way about you that was elegant. I'll admit to stealing glances at you in class. That I thought about you most of the time. That you were the reason I smiled. Just, not in front of you.. Too nervous.. I'll admit to fantasizing about you. And me. Where we'd be together. Your smile, was what intrigued me. You were always smiling. And you had a funny laugh. I was, happy when you were around me. Eventually, I'd have to tell you, in some way how I felt. As it turned out, Valentine's Day was just around the corner. I had it all planned out as well. I'd slip my card inside your locker, which coincidentally was right across from mine. We were miles apart.. Though it's not every day that a boy gives his Valentine to another boy. I guess that's what made it special. Because you really were, special to me. I remember, you had a lot of Valentines from girls. I was jealous.. And, truthfully, I didn't want you to read them... That they'd like you, or sometimes even have a crush on you.. It made me.. jealous.. I went on with school the usual way. But in my heart, and in my body, I could feel it getting hot. My chest was getting tighter. I was excited. Anticipating that you would read mine. Not knowing if you would write me back. Not knowing if you would feel the same way. I took a chance.. That's all... As it turned out, you did leave a reply in my locker. I checked it at the end of the day, on my way home. I took a chance.. That's all.. I opened it. You thanked me. Said that I had guts to do what I did. But, you didn't feel the same way. You said I was cool. Happy Valentine's.. In bold ink. I was happy to receive a reply from you. Maybe I'll be in dreamland a little more. So I can pretend a little longer. You were my first love. That enough, made me happy. Gave me a sort of strength to keep going. Even though you didn't feel the same way.. So thank you. I tried.. And I didn't fail. Some things just, work out differently then we expect.. But thank you. I'll keep you in my heart. For the bad days. Beautiful.. ~End~
New poem. I made it for you. Because you are loved. And I love you. I hope that if you read this, that you know it will get better. Not every day is perfect. We'll fall sometimes. But I'll be there to lift you up again. Take care. You are loved. ~Josh~ ~~~~~~ this is to you Written by: Joshua Ward Date: July 18, 2014 Time: 4:40 AM Thank you. Take care. ~Josh~ ~~~ this is to you ~~~ This is to you. To the person in the corner who is sad. To the friend who is lonely, and lost a friend. To he who is hurting, and cutting to release. To she who is broken, and coping through anger, or rage. This is to the person who cries at night, while dad takes alcohol in stride. This is to the one who sits in her room crying, because Mom has another man over. This is to the one who doesn't understand that beauty is just skin-deep. This is to the boy who releases through cutting, because he's in too much pain to cope. This is to the girl who just got dumped because her boyfriend doesn't like her anymore and found someone 'better' or 'hotter.' This is to the one who can't cope. Stand tall. Even if you stand alone. Find someone who makes you laugh, instead of being alone. Though loneliness at times can be comforting as well. Learn to smile, and heal. The cuts on your arms are reminders that today, we weren't as strong as we thought. We wish we could have been there to prevent it. You are beautiful. You are enough. Just exactly as you are. Don't ever forget that. We hope that you will find someone to love. Family isn't always blood. There are people out there who will become a real family for you. A shoulder to lean on when you cry. Someone to take the razor from your hand, and let it out. Don't be afraid. It's okay to be vulnerable and sad. It's alright to be angry. We're all human. We can't always walk the straight line. There are curves, and places to jump. To improve, and to fall. But it's still important to get back up again. Face your fears. Smile. Because you made it to another day. You've carried this for so long. But you don't have to anymore. We are with you. We care. It may have been a long time since you heard those words, but they are true. They are honest. We do care. And we care about you. Your well-being. Your comfort. And we will be there for you when times get rough. When you can't take it anymore. Promise. You're not alone anymore. Life is full of pain at times. But there are happy times too. Times that make us think that life isn't so bad. Sure we'll argue, and we will fight. But that's family. We all love each other in the end. Don't forget that. You are not alone. I promise you. ~End~
Theme: Romance Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ complete Written by: Joshua Ward Date: August 8, 2014 Time: 8:49 PM Thank you. Take care. ~Josh~ ~~~ complete ~~~ if the world were ever smaller, then perhaps we would see. The way your heart beats slowly, when the arm extends from the deeper darkness within.. We all have it. Where something went wrong. But we pretend it didn't.. Can we pretend again? Would you let me in? Can you trust me? Do I trust you? Just let me know. Before the bed. Before the first kiss. First touch. First look. First glance.. What is it about you that sticks in my mind? Why can't I look at the clock and remember the time I first saw you? I wanted to. But I was slipped away in the crossfire between emotion and pain. I dare not show a side to you that would expose what I really felt. Who I really am. It would be too soon for that. Shall we skip then to the wedding night. One night. A moment of passion. Just remember. Make a memory. Something sweet. Something I can keep inside my heart. Something different. Magical. Our own little perfect place within each other that we're not afraid to share. So say you tell your friends. I tell mine. Would that be okay. Or would it betray the very moment we shared? Just don't say you love me. Please don't say that. Love is... It's different. Then this. We're not naked. We're not having sex. For us, this moment, this time. It's special. Our one moment. Something secretive. Just between us. You. and I. In this way, we are lovers. Just a touch, is simple enough. We wanted it this way. We can be free. We can go into that space where lovers reside. Where love becomes a playwright. And we are the writers. We touch. We feel. We are, complete. ~End~
Theme: Romance ~~~~~~ i want to be loved... ~~~~~ love me Written by: Joshua Ward Date: October 28, 2014 Time: 7:02 AM Thank you. I love you. Take care. ~Josh~ ~~~~ love me ~~~~ paralyze me. thrill me. slowly. gently. so I can feel it. I want you, to touch me. I want to remember it. I want to be intimate with you. Not just sex. Something more. I want you, to be close to me. I want freedom. To run to you when I need someone. I want to fly. To run beneath the stars, freely. I want you to kiss me. I want you to love me. Make me believe. I want to believe in the love that you know. I want, to love you. I want you to take me. Make me yours. Not just with words. Words-- Everyone says them. I want you to kiss me. Make me remember it. Let me remember you. This moment, I've dreamed of forever. Remember me, when this is over. And we perhaps, go our separate ways. I want to trace my way into your heart. And leave a memory there. I want you to love me. ~End~
I hope you enjoy this. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it. And I'm glad you did. Take care. ~Josh~ ~~~~ flowing ~~~ Written by: Joshua Ward Date: November 10, 2014 Time:11:47 PM Thank you. I love you. ~Josh~ ~~~~ flowing ~~~~ I want to be beautiful. But beautiful, is like a lover. Attached. Emotionally. I wanted, to be beautiful for you... ~~~~~~ Life, I suppose is beautiful. The earth. Ground. The air. The leaves. The trees. The scenery.. All of it.. Stop. Don't. Don't call me beautiful. Words. Words like beauty. Objective. Pretend. The sky is black. And it rains. But it's red. Not blood. No. Minds can be scary. What we think of. What we create. They say we were created by god. But I don't see it. I see. And hear and feel. Frightened. I am encouraging, you could say. But it is I that is afraid. We see so much. And think too much. What we should wear. Make-up. I'd like to wear some. Nail polish too. Don't know if I could though.. In the end, I'm a voice. Running through your mind. Silently waiting for you. A star. A burned book. Light the fire beneath the rain. Tempting isn't it, fate. Do you wish you could touch her? Feel her? Or would you invade her. I don't know love. Well I know love, but I haven't experienced it. I have people whom I love dearly. I'm a little boy. Smile. Once. Time is ticking. We don't hear the watch. Our minds are ticking. Overflowing. Instant. I want to be beautiful. Empty pill bottles on the floor. Cigarettes. Smoke. I used to be a rebel. Not sex. Terrifying. Thought I wasn't worth it. In an out, you can flip me like a board. And I'll fall. Tremble. Crack, under the pressure. But it's meant to bring us out. Into the 'light' people so often refer to. Clouds. Look ahead. See the sunrise. Beautiful. We were paintings. Made by the artist. There was no name. No picture. We just knew. I suppose it's that way with god. What then is free will? Is it truly free? So I am broken. Flourishing. Tainted. rise. confident? not really. depressed. in heavy amounts, yes. I am a stranger. I greet the day with solace. Painting clouds. Sunsets. Fire. Burn bright! Be beautiful for me. A starry sky illuminates. I want to break. Break me. Please? From the inside out. Love me. Break me. Love to break me. Hate me. I want it all.. I am a diamond. Something glimmering. Only for an instant. Don't look for me. I say goodnight to the sky.. ~End~
Love. is free.. ~~~~ to love_2 Written by: Joshua Ward Date: November 12, 2014 Time: 7:11 PM Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ Love. Beauty. Lovely. Beautiful. Words.. It's those words again.. Those same words.. I fell for those words, once.. ~~~~~ Just once.. I-it was stupid really.. Love.. What is it really? How do we love? Sex? Passion? Romance? A movie? A walk in the park? Revealing isn't it. What we do for love. Passionate taste. To touch someone. Leave an imprint on the soul. I wanted to, at one point. But didn't. We want. Yearn. A yearning. A longing. Dreaming. To touch. To taste. All because we love. And we yearn to be loved. To be in love. A lover. To love. To be loved. The loved. Can I keep you? Would you let me? Is it allowed? Beyond the consequences.. See, there are consequences for love. Perhaps I love you. Perhaps you love me. But that is not acceptable. You know why. Two boys, or girls. Men or women. Still, I love you. Regardless. Because before you call me gay. Before you say the word fag. I'm human. Just like you. I have feelings. And desires. Some can be met. Some cannot. Some I will allow. Some I will not. Call me a fag. I dare you. It only shows your own weakens. And this 'hell' you speak of, to me does not exist. I am here. And I will love. I will share a romantic encounter with someone. Boy or girl. Man or woman. And I will love. Because I am human. My skin is white. And I dream of nights when we can love together. Freely. Without shame. Without consequence. When I look at you. When you look at me. I can tell. You and I both know. We are in love. Isn't that, what truly matters? If there is a hell, then I will gladly go there. Because I will love. Freely. Without shame. Without consequence. Yes, I am a fag. Queer. But I'm not ashamed of it. Because there is no reason to be. Love knows no gender. No boundary. You cannot keep us apart. Because you cannot imprison love. Be free. Free to love. Free to kiss. Free to dance. Fly. And spread your wings. Smile. And take hold of love. And the one who loves you. ~End~
Love. Freely. Without restraint. ~Josh~ I love you. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ rules Written by: Joshua Ward Date: November 13, 2014 Time: 11:59 PM Thank you. ~Josh~ rules ~~~ play me. like a game. rules. don't touch me. unless allowed. very few can caress my soul. touch. fingers first. rise. meet me. head first. look into my eyes. make it count. something beautiful. but don't call me. leave your number. you can suspend me in air. and i'll call your name, in a whisper. if I am to be your everything.. shall I reveal a tale? two heroes. lovers. perhaps they were. I'm not sure myself. He was her everything. She, was his. They were perfect. A beautiful pairing. Everyone said so. But there was a secret. Perhaps, shattering. Cruel. Heartless. As it turns out, he was in love with someone else. Though it was not a woman who stole his heart. It was a man. Certainly, for shame. Indeed. The gods frowned on them. Shameless. To love a man, when you yourself are a man as well. Are you mad? Not really. No. We weren't mad. We were just, in love. The very same love, as you. You are prideful. Though you have faults as well, don't you.. For instance. You say my love is wrong. Then, shall I say the same to you? Your love is based on a feeling so strong none can touch it. How then is that different from my love for him? Or are you just unaccepting. If your god is watching you, wouldn't he be disappointed? Is love itself, not for all. Despite what barriers society puts on it? We're the cast down, you see. The hated. Despised. Frowned on. Everything went to hell.. Because it wasn't acceptable. How shall I respond. Simple. I told him that he was my world. He was beautiful. Though, he didn't see it in himself. And so I told him. And his face lit up. He was happy. I love him. And he loves me as well. How is that different? It's the same love.. Love isn't wrong. Deny my rights as you want, but you cannot deny my love. It's the same. Honest. True. Don't deny me.. Don't deny us.. ~~~~ Rule. Don't love me. Unless, I allow it. Unless you have permission from me. My heart is locked in a box. I have the key. And I may let you touch me. As they did. They did love. Some said it was brave. Courageous. They said we had pride. But we didn't see it that way. We weren't brave. Or courageous. We were just.. us.. Surely, you cannot deny our love. Love is free. Like the wind.. Without boundaries. Never to be denied.. ~~~~ Rule. Love me. Keep the heart open. Love will never die.. ~End~
I wrote this story tonight. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it. Have a good day everyone. ~Josh~ ~~~~~~~ an inkling ~~~~~~~ Written by: Joshua Ward Date: December 8, 2014 Time: 9:59 PM Thank you again. ~Josh~ ~~~~~ an inkling ~~~~~ a wanting, perhaps. or a flame? No this isn't flaming. Not a one-time thing. A nightly romance. A single endeavour. Caught my eye? Maybe I did. Maybe I wanted to. You wouldn't be able to tell by my actions though. There were none. I'd see you in class. Look at you for a moment, then focus on my school work. It was good this way. Am I emotional you ask? Not really. I just study a lot. I study my homework. And people. People are interesting. But I put no emotion into it. Because there's the possibility of falling in love. Which if fallen the wrong way, can lead to heartbreak. I prefer to keep my heart whole. There's no one who can enter me. I thought. It hadn't occurred to me that you would look at me. Sure we pass by each other in the hallways. But we never speak to each other. School. Then college. I hadn't had time for anything else. Or rather, I didn't want to undertake a relationship. So it goes.. Can't be helped. I saw you one day, after school. You were on your way home. We both walked different ways, as our homes were in different directions. I looked at you. We exchanged looks for a moment. We didn't speak. I just turned the other way and went home. That night, I sat in my room, on my bed. Wondering. Why did I look at you? Naturally, it didn't mean anything. And even if it did, why would I care? But taken a different way, would you care? Could you be interested? But that's a line. A dangerous line, to cross. You read about it all the time, in stories. Fiction. Words like 'love'. Phrases like 'I love you.' 'I need you.' Why would I need someone? And why was I thinking about this? Had I a rather sudden interest in such matters? Relationships are doomed to fail. All we feel for another can be broken. Like the heart. Shattered. I shake my head. And return to my books. Focus on your school work. That's what's important. Don't worry about.. that.. It's.. It's nothing. Just.. Don't think about it.. About him.. I scratch my head for a moment. Why bother? .. What use is there in thinking about him. But, we exchanged glances today. Which again, could mean nothing. It doesn't concern me. We've gone to school for four years. We have nothing in common. No shared interests. No common link. My pencil breaks.. Why? I stop and take a walk outside. Why does this suddenly interest me? Why, does he interest me? What's the point. This is pointless.. Pointless though it may be, you're still thinking about him. .. I shrug my shoulders. I'll see him tomorrow. Again. And it'll be just as it has been. This is pointless. Thinking about nothing. There is nothing between us. We have nothing in common. So then, why does this bother me?.. Next day .. I arrive at school.. The usual routine. 4 classes. Studies. Lunch. More studies. I start to leave, as usual. And he's there again. At the same place, like he was yesterday. We again, exchange glances. He's looking at me. I'm looking at him.. So, what now? I decide to walk over. We talk a little. He tells me he's been watching me. Slightly creepy, but okay. I want to say something to him. But my mouth is closed. He tells me that he's curious about me. Curious? About me? Why? ..This is pointless.. I turn around, and he grabs my hand and turns me around so I'm facing him. ..I suppose this is the time in the story where the heroine is swept off her feet in a matter of seconds. Where she's staring into the eyes of her prince and her heart rate increases. And they kiss.. Except that moment for me, is right now. And I'm just a guy. But he's looking at me. Staring into me. And I can't turn away. A light blush I know is evident... But this is weird.. We have nothing in common. He's been watching me? He's curious? Why? Why do you watch me? Why are you curious about me? And why can I not look away from him? Our lips connect. Just for a moment. Now during that moment, I can feel my heart rate increase. A kiss (my first) was unexpected. It was.. He was.. Kissing me. Just once. Studies are important. First school. Then college. That, was my routine. But now, he seems to have found his way into my life. Also, while we're kissing, I start to wonder. Is this what he was curious about? Was he interested in me? ..Why does it matter? Why do I seem to care. What does this mean?.. Time passed. Our lips parted. I took a breath. Looked at him. His eyes were blue. Like the ocean. I had no idea how to process this.. I touched his cheek with my hand.. And turned around. He let my hand go this time. So I started to walk home. Such conflicting thoughts seemed to rush into my head. I stopped. And turned around. He was still there, looking at me. I waved at him. He waved at me. He kissed me. Then I kissed him.. When I arrived home, I could still feel him. I touched my lips. Remembering him. A memory. Left on my heart. Our memory. This will stay with me. ~End~
When I read this I became sad for you, Josh. One day, when you are ready, perhaps you will talk to us a little more about what you need from us. I feel that, whatever it is, we have not been very good at asking you to talk about it