|
|
Eothain
|
 |
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Hi again. You know, I think maybe we've been kind of hassling you about all this stuff. Sorry, buddy. Why can't we just let you talk and relax, right? I think maybe we should.
It's okay. Really. I know you're just trying to help, which I appriciate.
cool about the ECA--sounds like you're in. maybe they'll make you take a leadership role in the games, which would be way cool.
Actually, the person I talked to didn't have any real power, but I did talk to the sports teacher and even though he was rather reluctant at first, I managed to use my persuasive skills and claim that it would promote inter-year bonding to eventually succede. Which is pretty good. I am a tad nervous about it though. I'll tell/warn Harry (year 8 I talked to) tommorow though. Hopefully he'll be enthusiastic by it.
In other news, geography was interesting... From the subject of plate tectonics, the topic eventually diverged to mentoring, and my geography teacher mentioned about sixth formers coming into geography lessons with year 7 and 8 and helping out with the kids and stuff. That would be so cool and I really want to do but I think I'd be pretty crap at it to be truthfull...
sucks about your kingdom on the game. sounds a pretty cool game though...is it on PC or a console?
It's on PC. Not out in America to the 21st though. And the Duke's rebelled due to I'm not actually sure why... Probably all those wars... Anyhow, I managed to stop them rebelling... Though I played today and managed be sucessful (and conquer the Canary Islands). Though the Duke of Cornwall rebelled. Just one duke though whom I destroyed...
BTW, for the sake of your american friends, by 'football' you actually mean 'rugby', right?
By football, I mean the sport where you use your foot against the ball. Or soccer if you will. Playing rugby with year 7s and 8s would be interesting. I'd probably crush them all or something...
Timmy, I'll do that, I guess, tommorow... I don't really feel like saying all that right now...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
blue
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
|
|
|
Aha, a perfectionist,  worried that you won't be the absolute best ever mentor. You'll do fine. So what if you stumble around at first; it's something you'll grow into. You have the basic requirements: You want to help others, aside from just studying; and you're friendlier than you think, once you get started. Oh, and keep it simple, but that'll be easy, since you're new to the subject too. (That's likely why your teacher is doing this, so you tutors learn by explaining to the younger kids.)
I should've noticed you're a perfectionist before. I must've taken it for granted because I am also. Bad habit, isn't it, thinking that if you don't do just fantastic that you're doing lousy, and so why do it? Take it easy on yourself. (Easier said than done, I know.)
Mentoring, tutoring, any kind of volunteering or helping out is good. You might find them asking for advice or talking about their daily gripes, or sometimes deeper conversations. You might even find yourself talking to them, too. It feels great, usually. Every now and then, you may feel inadequate to the task. "Why don't I know this subject, why can't I explain this so he gets it?" Or, "Wow, he's really worked up about something, how do I help out?" Or, "I can't believe what I just heard. He's great, but that's just... I have no idea what to do or say to help." -- In any of those cases, just be there for them and work through it. -- And if those quotes sound a tad familiar, well, consider that they apply to me as much as to you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
OOh, cheeky eh? "The sport where you use your foot against the ball..." If you think that's the only game where you use your foot against the ball, clearly you've never gone bowling with me. ;-D
Blue is right--don't sweat the fact that you may not be the world's most fabulous mentor to begin with--it's a learning experience for both people involved. I've done a lot of tutoring over the years--and the best tutoring happens when both people are willing to be taught.
So you conquered the canary islands...and now you have a place to vacation on the cheap. Bravo! I think Timmy would agree that this shows uncommonly good sense.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
To be honest, the idea of a cheap holiday destination or a plentiful supply of birds didn't cross my mind when I invaded. Just my spies discovered they could only field an army of about 600 men and they weren't the vassal of anyone else (like last time when I tried invading the Count of Tours, a vassal to the King of France and ended up ending up fighting all of France and going horribly bankrupt as I tried to mobilise over thirty thousand men). And me, being the person I am, always picks on the weakest folks as it's just easier that way. Plus, it's a good place to launch invasions on Morocco instead of shipping all my men over from England. As for the Dukes, they're mostly okay now. Except for the Duke of Cornwall, but I destroyed him. Did I tell you I gave my brother for his eleventh birthday, the title of Duke of Leinster (a place in Ireland)? Quite a nice present, I think!
As for the events of today, there was chemistry (which might not be as horrible as I initially fought. I understand most of it, so far). Then a free period where I did loads of homework while listening to my MP3 player (consisting of various songs by Enya, Mike and the Mechanics, OMD and ELO, Aqua, B*Witched and others). Then there was lunch, which was the usual. Chips and peas with obsence amount of salt. Delicious!
Then after eating, I went off, noticed some year 7s and 8s playing football. I was debating inside whether to join them or not untill I realized that I was five minutes late for a meeting. After said meeting (which wasn't paticularly exciting, and I had someone crushing my leg for much of it), I then decided to swallow my fear, and join the year 7s and 8s. Which I did, playing as a goal keeper, but not a paticularly good one. What's really annoying is when you block the ball with your hand, and it kinda bounces off your hand and slowly floats into the goal, while you're on the ground and scrambling to get up off the ground. Or when you dive to stop a ball and you just miss and the thing goes past your hands by just a few centimeters.
Anyhow, that was fun. It's nice to hear lots of kids shouting your name to get you to pass the ball to them! About the mentoring, the thing is though, I kinda totally lack confidence and charisma. Bloody annoying, that. But I guess once I start fitting in, it isn't too bad. I was nervous about joining the football today, but decided to face my fears, and now, at least one year 7 knows my name (as he asked me directly what my name was)! Soon, I'll have a grand posse of year 8s and 7s! And we'll rule da hood! Or not.
This evening, I talked to one of my best online friends on MSN outside of the game Neverwinter Nights. I made the mistake of suggesting it to him some time back, and he was sucked in. Still, at least I can take pleasure on the fact that I helped to make him happy! Anyhow, I talked to him for a bit. Most in over a month, really. And he's still a really nice kid. He's like the townie version of me. Me had I been born up North, had a crazy accent, and lived in a rough, urban area.
And so, we went forth together on Neverwinter Nights after talking, on the module MERP UK. Got loads of xp, slaughtering minatours, but playing a game with a good friend like that is good fun occassionally. Then he left to have dinner. Meanwhile, I gained level 19 (hurrah!) and partook on a small DM quest. Just me, and two other people. It was great fun. And I got loads of xp for it. In but a few hours, I gained 7 thousand xp. So, only 17 thousand more xp untill level 20. Then I'll be the greatest non-evil bard in the module! Actaully, I am already but it's a goal. Yep, playing as an 11 year old bard who's very efficient at killing orcs. Ah well, it's a game. And theoretically, an 11 year old COULD be quite good at slaying orcs!
Anyhow, that's enough insane rambling for one day. Timmy, I may respond to your request tommorow, but again I don't feel like typing up such stuff now. Sorry...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
eothain, you think entirely too small. just think of the armies you'll be able to finance when you start advertising cheap vacations to the Canary's to your unwashed masses. and the gratitude of your dukes when you send them and their families to luxorious timeshares on the beach in those same islands. You'll be the most beloved king in the history of the UK. Your dukes will never rebel again, and all will be right with the world.
And yes, being elevated to Duke is a princely gift to any 11 year old. Nice going!
It sounds like things are beginning to flow your way a bit. I couldn't be happier to see it.
and don't apologize for not writing what Timmy asked for...this is a "in your time, when you're able to" kind of thing. Yes, i think writing it out will be a good thing, but only when you're ready.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
refumpiree
|
 |
Getting started |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 4
|
|
|
To quote an imfamous former American President, "I feel your pain."
It sounds as though you have read the book "1984" one to many times though. While the technologies do exist for such surveilance, the people of our countries are much to free to permit its use. Hopefully we will remain so for years to come.
Many of us who are "older" do really understand what you are going through. While I am late to this discussion, I see myself in your comments and concerns. Family members and friends often know so much more about us than we think they do, but because they don't want to believe certain realities, they turn a blind eye and choose not to recognize what they know. We remain with the characteristics they want us to have (in their eyes, mind you). Chosen deceptions not of our own making, but also not threatened because we don't choose to make them see differently. It is not until the evidence of decisions we make about our own lives confronts them that they have to deal with it. Letting that happen by chance can sometimes be much worse, however in the teenage years, allowing ourselves to be seen as "different" can be our worst nightmare, whether it would be a reality or not.
When I was a teenager, there were no internet forums. In fact, there was not internet! nor personal computers, cell phones, etc. But we also did not have counselors that understood what your dealing with. This part of the scientific world is so much more advanced than it was twenty years ago.
You mention not being able to get away without explaining something to your MOM. At your age, this should be much easier. I am not sure how that works where you are, but in the US, as teenagers approach adulthood, there is usually a liberal amount of new freedoms to be had. Find our your limits here and don't let this keep you from seeing a counselor.
You are correct, of course, about strength of mind. You can, like so many others, work out these difficulties on your own. It is very hard, but the secret is taking "one day at a time." Make each day fulfilling and let it be guided by your own personal goals. On the other hand, when help is readily available, why would you want the pain of holding it all in?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Yes, i think writing it out will be a good thing, but only when you're ready.
Well, I have pretty much writen out loads of things in the course of my previous replies. I'm not really sure what to write really...
It sounds as though you have read the book "1984" one to many times though.
Ah, but I've only read it once! Perhaps that was one too many times though!
And my mum has noticed when I've been depressed occassionally. And the whole explination about Steve was rather awkqard.... And then she got the idea that I was gay, and I think she still has that suspicion (but never fear, for any proof is cunningly hidden in a folder she's bound to never look at!) but generally, I'm quite good at hiding my feelings, at least I think so. One moment I can be in tears crying, and the next moment the phone rings, I pick up and sound completely cheerful as normal. No-one knows the true me... Or at least, I don't think they do... As for friends, I sincerely doubt they've noticed anything.
At your age, this should be much easier. I am not sure how that works where you are, but in the US, as teenagers approach adulthood, there is usually a liberal amount of new freedoms to be had.
Well, I do have some freedom. I can go out somewhere (if there was anywhere to go out to here) but I couldn't just walk out and shout "I'm off out, back whenever"... I'd have to at least say where I'm going. I mean, she'd let me see a counciler, most likely, but I'd have to tell her. And I'd rather not.
Anyhow, today's been a bit of an interesting day. Crusader Kings decided to loose the will to live and won't load. Then I had archery, and the weather was pretty bad. But I shot at 80 yards, which was fun! Out of 24 arrows, only four hit the target though. But it was fun as I got to arc it, i.e aim at 45 degrees instead of around 90. Great fun! Steven and Mathew weren't there, but oh well...
Then I got Gmail! And... er... Chatted online to a few people... And downloaded a patch for Crusader Kings so it might work now. Then I talked to my friend again. Then looked at various sites...
What an exciting day.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
|
|
|
Eothain of Rohan wrote:
> Well, I have pretty much writen out loads of things in the course of my previous replies. I'm not really sure what to write really...
>
Easier than you think., but quite hard to actually write:
Write the precise circumstances of the abuse you had when you were 11 years old. State the ircumstances that led you into it, the facts of what took place, and enumerate the parts that were pleasurable and the parts that were not poleasurable. Once you have those enumerated look at the abusive element (Remember it is possible to enjoy in a physical sense an act of abuse. The body doesn't actually care if you are a willing participant or not) Determine precisely what was abusive.
Most people, though by no means all, who have been abused have feelings that they "allowed this to happen". Examine those feelings and see where and how they slot in to the ocurrences you wrote down. Be as precise and unemotional as you can when analysing this (hard to achieve, just make a decent attempt).
It is quite possible that this exercise will start to untangle the complex emotions that run around after an abusive incident. The reason I suggest you post it, or at least share it with someone you trust, is to ensure that you are asked questions which you then consider carefully before answering. It is certain that the process will cause you to feel sad at times. Equally it is certain that you will understand yourself better through it.
Bear in mind that no-one can give you a solution. Thsi comes from inside yourself from stating the facts, categorising them, and answering difficult questions. There is no "advice" that can come out of this save that which you give yourself.
>
> And my mum has noticed when I've been depressed occassionally. And the whole explination about Steve was rather awkqard.... And then she got the idea that I was gay, and I think she still has that suspicion (but never fear, for any proof is cunningly hidden in a folder she's bound to never look at!) but generally, I'm quite good at hiding my feelings, at least I think so. One moment I can be in tears crying, and the next moment the phone rings, I pick up and sound completely cheerful as normal. No-one knows the true me... Or at least, I don't think they do... As for friends, I sincerely doubt they've noticed anything.
Are you gay? This is a serious question, but at 16 I doubt there is a simple answer. In fact don't answer it here. But what was her reaction? Answer that? Because that shows you how she reacts to difficult news about her son.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
The Crusader Kings still doesn't want to load even after the patch. Bah, goodbye to that. Also, I discovered the third Libera album is coming out a week tommorow. Whoo! One of the songs, Stay with me, sounds really good. I wish I could have been in Libera...
Anyhow, no use putting it off so I may as well tell you the story in all it's details, though perhaps you could piece it together from my previous posts...
Anyhow, the story begins 16 years ago, with me being born. However, I happen to be born with this rare gentic illness meaning I can't have protein. The NHS don't actually tell my parents this so I recieve protein and get brain damage. So, my early childhood isn't the best. Involved a lot of hospitals, seeing wierd counciller types and going to a really wierd school. Then in year 6, I joined my old school which is the first normal school I'd been to (the one before was a dyslexic school, though I'm not officially dyslexic, and before that was some really strange mental one). Anyhow, it had communual showers which I refused to shower in. So anyway, year 6 comes and goes. During this time, I befriend this person, let's call him James (as that's his name). He sat next to me on the first day of school but I did kinda think of him as a bit immature. Anyhow, year 7s dawns and things continue as normal. One Wednesday I arrive into the changing rooms caked in mud after playing Rugby and my friend (a different one) says I really need to shower. I'm forced to agree with him and do. Though it was pretty much step in, step out. Second time I spent a tad longer (for some reason chatting to some year 4s or 5s while I showered).
Anyhow, another Wedneday, not much later. For some reason, me and James were in the changing room and there was no-one else there. Now, I can't remember exactly what happened. But I'm guessing he suggest for me to pull down my pants, or something. I probably declined at first but then gave in. Then he probably pulled down his (not all the way, mind) and I dunno... Anyhow, then he asked me to allow him to insert his you-know-what you-know-where. I no I declined this several times but eventually his persistance overwealmed me and I let him. So, I stod there while he pushed in and out, using his hands against my waist to push me into him while he pushed foward and such. From the physical side, it was totally horrible, and it was a bit nice, but a bit bad as well. Like a woma using a blade to masturbate with or something... For a breif moment I 'did him' but he actually used his hand to guide my thing in, but I didn't like the feel of it at all. Anyway, this continued for a while untill it must have benen near to the end of free-time so we stopped. Then I said something to the words of "Okay, now let's never mention this again" but he said "Not to anyone else, but we can to each other" or something like that. I think I remained silent... Anyway, we went down to prep. And sat down and began to work. The room was pretty full and no-one was allowed to talk (enforced quite stricly), but we were sitting at the front few desks. Anyhow, I was busy doing my work when I felt him undoing my flies. I looked down and then noticed his hand going in and then gropping my genitalia. I was stunned, but couldn't react incase it would draw attention to myself and people would notice what was going on, so I let him continue while I tried to work. Which was quite tricky... Note, he wasn't actually masturbating me but just fondling (which wasn't pleasurable at all)...
Anyhow, I can't remember what happened after that, but I know later that evening, we were in the changing rooms again, and he 'did me' a bit more, then he told me to give him a blowjob (not using those words ofcourse), I refused saying it was wrong and also it didn't smell pretty (well, it didn't!), then he suggested covering my nose... So me, being the little weakling that I am, gave in and knelt down and prepared to commit the act when my mum came in, but luckilly we were out of her sight, but we heard her come in and quickly stopped. Then James claimed that we were up here because we were looking for his sport's kit or something.
Then next day at break, I was with James and another friend (Alex). And James told me to pull out my genitalia. I said no, and was pretty adimant about it untill he said "If you don't, I'll tell everyone what you did!" Ofcourse, the idea of him suggesting it didn't occure to me, and I obbeyed and I think they both fondled me (outside no less, in a bush).
Then it gets a little bit hazzy, but I know there was certainly a bit more anal sex and stuff...
But what was her reaction? Answer that? Because that shows you how she reacts to difficult news about her son.
Her reactions were something like worry, I think. Worried that I am gay, I think...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
blue
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
|
|
|
Eothain, that took a lot of courage to write. You may not want to believe it, but you are full of courage and strength, to face the days and nights as you do. Even the bravest man has fears and doubts, so don't think that how you deal with your life is anything but the best you are able to do for that moment.
I'm guessing that was the first time you'd ever done anything with anyone.
By the way, don't be embarrassed to use words or describe things. Say it however you need to. I say that because, well, there are several "you-know-whats" that can be put "you-know-where." I'm not making fun, buddy. When I told an online friend, he had to ask me if he had understood right, because I didn't directly say the act. (Huh, see, right there, I'm avoiding it. Alright, more about that later, I promise.)
Don't worry whether you wanted something or not. You were curious too; nothing wrong there. You were coerced, persuaded, into doing things with him. I know what it's like to do something you don't really want to do, but yet it's exciting and, despite yourself, there was some pleasure too. That's confusing. How could you have felt pleasure or enjoyment while someone else did *that*, or especially while you did *that other thing*? Well, it's because those parts, whichever parts, are supposed to be for pleasure, not for coercion or forcing someone. So again, don't feel so bad about it. Not even if you said OK; not even if you asked for something you thought would be nice.
You said, "So me, being the little weakling that I am, gave in...." You, my friend, are not, were not, a weakling. You are not stupid or foolish or unmanly or crazy. Not at all. By then, you were probably overwhelmed by everything anyway, good and bad, all mixed up and too new for you to know what to think about it. -- And, ahem, I wish I had known more before I agreed to suck my friend at 11. There, you see. There's more to it, which I'll talk about in a later post or something. It gets a little easier to tell, eventually. -- Wait, I've just realized you must've meant he didn't wash his penis before asking you to suck.... Oh, Eothain, I'm sorry. That's...words fail me. Being made to receive him, that's bad, but not washing, ugh. Eothain, you are so good, you just don't believe in yourself.
You said, "Then it gets a little bit hazzy, but I know there was certainly a bit more anal sex and stuff." Now you've worried me some. Do you mean, from that particular incident, you've forgotten? Were you hit? Did you simply block it out, because it was too much? Or it's just that there are a lot more details than you wanted to say right now? -- I wanted desperately to just forget anything ever happened, but that didn't work. -- Do you mean there were other times? Did this go on a long time? -- I am not being nosy, nor is this in any way thrilling for me. What happened with me was different, and the last of four sessions, but the guilt and shame and self-doubt it produced, well, you remind me of me, Eothain, so we have things in common. I am only sorry I'm not there for a shoulder to lean on. -- You can make it, Eothain, you'll be alright. (And I'm only using your screen-name out of courtesy. I'm talking to you, not a character.)
One more thing, then I'll let go. It sounds like your mum is used to being strong for your health and schooling and all. She's used to fighting for you at every turn, and not showing you how she feels inside, to protect you. And in love and loyalty, you're doing the same back, not wanting to hurt her with your memories and that "true self" you mentioned. My parents and I did the same. I can't tell you what to do about that, because I don't know your mum. Some parents would not accept it, what you fear the most, I think. Some would love and defend you no matter what. Some would need time, and might react badly at first, out of their surprise. Choose carefully, Eothain, but some day, perhaps now or when you're out on your own, you owe it to yourself and to them.
Earnestly,
~Blue
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
|
|
|
What elements of this set of actions, including the further actions, have caused you the most concern and cause you the most concern today?
Do you know why they cause you concern?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
|
|
|
Any good parent will be concerned about their child's development and everything else about them. One are is sexuality. We try to guide our kids, you see. And we hope that we have enough experience of the world to help them, and are good enough friends with them to be tursted with highly difficult topics.
I'd be worried if my son were gay. Any parent would be. But worried in a good way. Worried to make sure that he had all the infomration he needed to know he was not alone, that he was loved for himself, not his orientation, concerned to make sure he knew it could be a lifetime thing or a passing thing, and concerned that he felt able to bring his boyfriend home to meet us knowing that it was nothing out of the ordinary.
[Updated on: Mon, 20 September 2004 08:54]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Eothain, that took a lot of courage to write. You may not want to believe it, but you are full of courage and strength, to face the days and nights as you do.
I'm no more couragous than the next person, regardless of what people say. I just face them because I have to, not because I have enough courage to face them...
I'm guessing that was the first time you'd ever done anything with anyone.
'Twas.
Do you mean, from that particular incident, you've forgotten? Were you hit? Did you simply block it out, because it was too much? Or it's just that there are a lot more details than you wanted to say right now?
I don't think I was hit. I certainly don't recall it, but I can remember very little from that year in general (though I know in year 8 a different friend hit me on the head with a book, jokingly, and I pretended to be unconcious. I was pretty good at it as well!). I think that there were other incidents afterwards, but I must have blocked them out... I can't remember exactly how long it went on, but some while, I believe...
One more thing, then I'll let go. It sounds like your mum is used to being strong for your health and schooling and all. She's used to fighting for you at every turn, and not showing you how she feels inside, to protect you.
Ergh, make me feel guilty. I'm sorry, but sometimes she does annoy me. Like when she's a homocidal maniac on the road (at least verbally) or she turns off Libera on Classic FM TV calling it crap. IT'S NOT CRAP, WOMAN! And then saying there's no point in getting the album on Monday as I'm going away and when I say I could listen to it when I'm away, she doubts it... Oh well.
Some parents would not accept it, what you fear the most, I think.
The whole inccident about Tim doesn't really inspire me with confidence, to be truthfull... As well as the in the story The Holiday...
What elements of this set of actions, including the further actions, have caused you the most concern and cause you the most concern today?
Probably the recieving... That was no doubt the worst. Maybe the blackmail too... The fondling in class wasn't too great either, but I think the recieving is the biggest thing...
Do you know why they cause you concern?
I dunno... The whole feel of it and such. It just seemed so wrong... Something that shouldn't have happened or should happen to any kid... Kinda feel like my innocence was stripped away from me...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
refumpiree
|
|
Getting started |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 4
|
|
|
Talking about the first time, particularly bad memories of it is a very good place for healing to begin. I remember my first time, and it did involve some coercion by an older boy. But I have never been one to shy away from trying anything ONCE! I was seven and he was ten. I am sure he wan't that well endowed - you know how memories are - but I was impressed and interested. Well, for the next ten years, there was quite a bit of sex. I don't know how I ever hid it from my parents.
The other thing is - I never acknowledged being gay. My justification was it was just until the right girl came along. But you will see later that I wasn't truthful with myself about that. Look for a letter I wrote to Timothy that I will post very soon in the forum.
For you younger guys, I can't really suggest anything to you one way or another. My life is a lot like some of the stories posted at IOMFATS, Nifty and other places. You fall in love with WHO you fall in love with - male or female.
But Eothain, don't be hard on yourself - think yourself crazy - or even be afraid. Take life one day at a time and deal with it each day. Tomorrow, today is yesterday! It only matters that you lived yesterday to the fullest when you look back.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
blue
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
|
|
|
Eothain of Rohan wrote:
> I'm no more couragous than the next person, regardless of what people say. I just face them because I have to, not because I have enough courage to face them...
Yes, and I often feel that way too, or feel I don't have the courage to face up to things. We're none of us perfect. (That word again.)
That's it exactly. Some people do not face what they have to, and spend their lives running from themselves and other people and their own responsibilities.
There's a definition of a hero that says, "A hero is someone who does the right thing at the right time because it needs doing."
-----
About your memory of how long things went on or exactly what happened, memory does blur together or fade away. It suggests it went on for a while, though. Maybe you know about how long: weeks, months, or more.
-----
You talked about Tim and about The Holiday.
OK, I'm new enough I'm still unfamiliar with most ppl who post, and I haven't read most of the stories posted on the site, or read a few a while back.
Of course you're worried there'll be bad consequences if you talk to your mom, er, mum.
Do what you feel is best. I, too, was scared of what my mom and dad would think of me and what they might do.
-----
So basically, everything about your experiences with him was not what you wanted or liked. And you felt he stole your innocence and joy. Yes, he did.
His actions would have stimulated you. Does that make you feel bad, that you responded? With enough stimulation, any young man is going to respond. It's how we're built. Heck, in your teens, it doesn't even take stimulation, just enough hormones, and bang, instant woody. So there's no need to feel guilty or feel like you must be gay, because you responded to another male. Yeah, hearing it doesn't help a lot, huh? Still true, though.
What happened back then is past. Yes, it still affects your present. But by talking it out here and with others, you're starting to deal with it, and eventually, it will go into its corner and stay just an old memory, not a huge, menacing ghost, just something you use to guide your life.
What happened does *not* mean you're automatically gay. It is also very far from a real, loving relationship. It was about fear and power, instead of love. -- I think you know that, deep down, but all you've known is something based on soneone else claiming to be a friend, but controlling you instead.
You can go on and have happy and healthy relationships, including sex, with young women and/or young men, whichever you prefer. -- You'll know in your heart and your privates which it is, but it might take a while to be sure. It *is* alright if you prefer males.
You haven't quite said if you feel you're gay or bi or straight. There's no real urgency to say or decide. I think I already knew at 14 or 15, but couldn't face it. Especially with your situation, you may not know for sure.
Look, if you do know for sure, and you are gay, that is alright.
I'm never quite sure how much of these posts are really talking to you or to me. Both, I suppose. Let's hope we both listen, hmm?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Some people do not face what they have to, and spend their lives running from themselves and other people and their own responsibilities.
Well, it's not like I could run away from the passage of time anyway, unless I killed myself but I'm too cowardly to do that.
OK, I'm new enough I'm still unfamiliar with most ppl who post, and I haven't read most of the stories posted on the site, or read a few a while back.
Tim is a person (friend of mine actually, and TBP's boyfriend) who's parents discovered he was gay and he was banned from the internet, etc. Basically, his parents reacted really badly. As for The Holiday, it's not on this site. Apparently it's on some Johnnie Proudly Presents site or something (TBP mentioned it) and in said story, one of the characters is discovered by their parents to be gay, they react badly and eventually he kills himself.
And I don't think it's the whole fact that I responded makes me feel bad, because after all it's just a natural thing and I could help it. Nor the whole worrying about the act making me gay. I mean, I may have worried that at the time, but I dunno. It's just the whole innnocence... Surely you know what I mean? It's just so immoral... Wrong... Kids that age, in my opinion, shouldn't be doing things like that. Nor anything sexual generally. Let kids be kids, let them live in innocence while it lasts... Ofcourse, the whole event may cause that belief...
As for my sexuallity... I'm not sure... My thoughts have not be exclusive to either sex. Infact, quite a bit towards the male gender...
And to be totally truthfull, the whole event might not be all of it. As I mentioned earlier, I was born with some genetic disease and got brain damage. My early childhood was pretty rubbish... From year 1 to year 6 (primary school) I went to three schools, while normally one goes to just one... Many a time of seeing stupid patronising councilers and being forced to do stupid tests, and going to hopsitals and having blood tests (often not under the best circumstances...). I just feel like my childhood was just wasted through no fault of my own. Simply by a twist of genetics (and the incompetance of the NHS) I no doubt lost so many oppurtunities as I feel when I watch the Libera videos (especially the 'Meeting Libera' video) and feel like I've missed out on so much. Missed out on a proper childhood. Missed out on so many things, so many oppurtunities... I mean, so I got an 3 A*s and an A at GCSE, but how much potential did I loose? I could have got 8 A*s and two As... I could have acheived so much more... Heck, I could have been in Libera! But what do I get? A bunch of letters and an archery trophy... Big deal!
Why did it have to be like this? Sorry for sounding so whiney, but why did I have to have it (comparative to most people in this country) so hard? What did I do wrong? I hate my life! I hate my life and everything to do with it! I hate myself and what I am and what I could have been! What was lost... ****ing fate seems to get a buzz out of kicking me in the balls as often as possible! Why couldn't I have just had a normal life, without being shagged by some kid when I was 11, without some stupid genetic disease, without some brain damage leaving me litterally scared for life... Even in year 6 when I start a proper school for the first time, it's far from perfect as (to quote Frodo) "There are some hurts that go to deep, that have taken hold." The damage done was irreversable... And then comes year 7, and to add an insult to injury, my so called friend uses me as a sex-toy... Perhaps the final twig to break the camel's back or something... I wish none of this had happened. I wish I could just like start all over again and have a proper childhood without being used as a sex-toy. *sigh* I hate my life...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
blue
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
|
|
|
When I made that remark about "some people" I was ~not~ implying ~you~. It was a general remark.
You are no coward. It is not cowardice to decide to live. -- If for no other reason than to spite the people who say you're wrong.
I *know* what it's like to feel such despair. I also know what it's like to say no, I won't take my life.
And sadly, I know what it's like when someone two years older than you does, and his best friend and those others who tried to help him are left behind. (And smith and a few others here know of that case.)
--------
I do know what you mean about loss of innocence, that it seems like kids that age shouldn't be doing anything. I wish my friend and I had never done things that day. What could have been fine and enjoyable became a loss of innocence and a bad memory that has troubled me ever since, in nearly the same way as yours.
I'm going to post about my experience, here publicly, but I'll have to rewrite it a bit. Maybe that will help you understand.
Meanwhile, you wondered, "What If?" I wonder that too. You see, I get depressed too. I get mad at myself, at the world, even at God. -- But look, I don't know why I was born partially sighted, or why my friend and I screwed up what should have been two boyx learning about their bodies, or why I had a crush on another couple of friends a few years later, or why I had so much trouble when I realized how I was that I tried to stifle my sexual feelings for years and years, which affected my university education, my work, my friendships...everything of any meaning to me, years wasted because I would not forgive myself and would not let myself be me and allow myself "those feelings", the ones I only experienced alone or in my dreams.
But now, I am finally beginning to get over all that. I finally reached a place where I could be OK with my past and get on with my life, and accept how I feel sexually. I still don't know quite why it's this way, but it is. I am not completely over my past. I'm making gradual progress. Sometimes I slip back a bit. But I do know I'm finally, really, feeling better and making real progress, instead of that endless loop of "why" and my memories and negative feelings.
So look, you're not the only one who gets pissed off at the world and himself and that guy in the past. And you can vent any time you want here, for all I care. -- You haven't seen me vent much, or get on here and complain or cry, because, well, frankly, I got very good at bottling up those things and only doing them in private, where no one, not even the people I care about most, could see (in fact, most especially not them). -- "Who me? I'm fine, really. Nothing's wrong, nothing at all." (Liar, that.) I've lived for years, just inching forward.
Eothain, please don't let my own distress get to you. I am just as much caught up in my own mess and just as much in need of help and healing as you are. The only reason any of my advice might be any good (and I'm not sure it is) is that I have had more years to think about it and try to deal with it, and there have been many times I didn't deal with it.
We are survivors, you and I. Somehow, we can pull through and maybe once we're through this, we can help others like us, like I am trying to do now, by talking with you in these posts. So in some way, we are alike.
--------
I am so impressed by teens who have the courage to come out or to rise above the abuses (of whatever kind) that they have been through. They impress me because, when I was a teen, I couldn't manage that. All I was able to do was hold it in, and wish that things were better or that someone would somehow see and help, or that I could have the love I didn't know how to ask for or offer. Sure, I had friends. But I didn't dare let down that wall and let them in. I was too afraid of the hurt inside.
--------
Eothain, please, I know how hard it is to bear your feelings. I know you can get through this. I broke down crying, writing the paragraph above, because, just like you, I thought hiding my hurt was the only way out, and your thoughts are not foreign to me at all.
Dear friend, please get help if you need it, even if you have to wait until you're away from home, at university. I say this because I hope you can get better sooner than me, and avoid all the years I spent confused and desperate.
Don't give up. You matter. You have friends you haven't met yet.
Your friend,
~Blue / Ben W.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
hey eothain--
I'm sorry i didn't write before. Your letter detailing what happened to you hit me very hard...I know we don't know each other all that well, but i have a feeling towards you like that of a big brother, very protective...and when i read what had happened to you, i was heartsick, and incredibly angry. I needed to take some time and try to get a handle on what i had read, so i wouldn't just pop off with something stupid out of my pain over what happened to you. I'd still like to have a few minutes alone with the asshole that did this to you, and explain some basic realities to him...very gently, of course > >
So what now? First, let me say that choosing to live is not the coward's way. You've chosen the harder path, but it's one that can lead to happiness and healing, whereas suicide is the end of hope. I'm glad you see that hurting yourself is not the answer. You have survived the worst pain that you'll have, and you continue to survive. Though wounded, you continue to soldier on, and that is admirable--I know you can't see it right now, but it's true nonetheless.
Second, there is a website that might be helpful: http://www.survivingtothriving.org/mainpage. It's a site built by a female survivor of rape and child abuse, and seems pretty on the ball, and has a special section about male rape. This may seem a little extreme, but you were raped, eothain--have no doubt of that. Consent under duress is not consent, and the pressure that you were placed under renders whatever consent you gave invalid.
Tell me this: Do you ever have nightmares about the rape? Do you ever have times when you're awake and re-live it?
I care deeply about what happened to you, and i wish so much it had not happened. You're right when you say that your innocence and childhood have been stained and ruined. I believe there is healing for you, and happiness is still possible. Please don't give up, ok?
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
One other thing...Rodneygabe also sends his heartfelt hugs. He's been there too...and he told me to say that his cable is out, otherwise he'd be here talking to you too.
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13798
|
|
|
keep talking. As you do some odd things will start to happen. Be prepared at first to become angrier about it and sadder. This is normal, ordinary and will pass. We'll see it passing before you do.
As it passes you will find that a large proportion will start to drop away as "processed, no need to reprocess" and be filed in the processed pile.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
**HUGS** eothain, you are a beautiful, intelligent, sensible person. hear me when i say i know what it's like to have your childhood ripped away from you. some of the most important years of my life we filled with anger and fear and hurt, and it was my own father who did this to me. i'm not telling you this to make it seem like someone else has it worse than you do, because i know that's not the case. no matter how much you're hurting, you're still hurting. none is greater than the other.
i just wanted you to know that i am here for you. if you need to talk, i'm ok with talking to you about whatever you need. just email me 
i'm thinking of you, and i care what happens to you.
rodney
"more tongue and groove than a hardwood floor"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
just thoughti can clarify a few minor issues
TBP is obviously me, though some of you know me as Aden, TBP is the nickname i normally use on most websites.
Tim is my boyfriend, and the young man i've posted about and started a massive argument about before. and right now he's banned from the internet, and banned from seeing/talking to me. thankfully that doesn't seem to stop him much, but he's getting fed up of the looks he gets everytime a gay marriage story is on the news (among other things)
like Eothain, tim was raped when he was younger, and i want to say a big big thank you to Aj for posting that link, i'll print somep ages off from there and send them to tim, from both of us, thank you
Johnie Proudly Presents is a boylove site. i know how some of you feel about such places, but this one truely is what its name suggests. i found the site a couple of years ago when i went through a "what if" and had problems coming to terms with my sexuality. i was looking though the stories from young friends section (admittedly looking for nifty like content, i hadn't found nifty at this point) and came across not so much a story but a book, called The Holiday. it has to have been the most moving and emotional story i've ever read, it helped me a lot, helped me come to terms with myself, though from what i know of some of the older memories it may bring back some bad memories in places. despite this i still strongly recommend it.
http://www.xs4all.nl/~johnie/stories/storiesa.html#anchorbackwood
that should link you direct, if not, the author is called Backwoodsman
-----
now back on topic
eothain, i have never suffered like you have, i have never been put through all that you have, but i do know you, and i know it took a lot of courage to say what you wrote it here. i know you say you are not brave or any of the rest of it, i say, you are too modest, to humble with yourself, you are great and wonderful person, and to me, a very special person. a friend, for sure, and more. whenever your alone, i'm always happy to talk, and to listen, if oyu want to rant, want to let your feelings out, its good to dso so, and i'm happy for oyu use me for that, don't bottle it up inside.
*hugs*
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Well, I'm here. Joy! Time to update everything.
I'd still like to have a few minutes alone with the asshole that did this to you, and explain some basic realities to him...very gently, of course
You'd have to be in Spain to do that as he moved to there at the end of year 8. He was, however, in the newspaper not so long ago in an article about Brits moving to Spain. *shudders*
Meanwhile, you wondered, "What If?" I wonder that too.
Note, it wasn't just the whole event which I was wondering what if about. Though I certailny did wonder what if about that... I dunno why I was born with some rare disease, I dunno why the NHS botched up giving me brain damage, I dunno why my early childhood was filled with blood-tests, councilers, doctors and wierd schools, I dunno why my whole childhood was limited due to this... Plus the same 'I dunno why's as you... Except the stifling one...
All I was able to do was hold it in, and wish that things were better or that someone would somehow see and help, or that I could have the love I didn't know how to ask for or offer. Sure, I had friends. But I didn't dare let down that wall and let them in. I was too afraid of the hurt inside.
Sounds like me. Very, very similar to me infact...
keep talking.
'k... But what about? I've already explained it once so what else can I do?
And TBP, that Holiday story makes me depressed. Nothing like that would ever happen to me. Perhaps that's why I never finished it, I dunno...
Now for the update in all things within my life:
Friday, ah what a day... It was pretty much the usual except at lunch, I was randomly pacing around school as I always do and some kids whom I played football with the previous Friday asked if I wanted to join. I did and we played. At the end we were walking back to the classroom block and one of the kids asked if I wanted to play again on Monday. Which is pretty good I guess, as he wants me to play! Unfortunately, I had a football ECA on Monday but also with years 7s and 8 which'll prevent me from playing with those paticular kids unless they're in the ECA... And I can't play on Tuesday due to reasons mentioned later...
Then I survived the rest of the afternoon (seeing the history teacher about mentoring, but I'll only be doing years 4-6... Which should be... interesting. Though my geography teacher said something about mentoring years 7 and 8 so hopefully I'll be able to take him up on that). Anyhow... I expected Rome: Total War to be coming out on Friday... Oh how wrong I was... Delayed for a week... Great. The one light in my life has been posponed for a week while those bloody Yanks get to go around conquering Rome... probably as the Britons as well. Considering the developer is British as well... Bloody Activision...
Anyhow, the main point of this is that I'm going on holiday on Tuesday for a week... Which despite what you're thinking is not a good thing. I'll miss school (and I like the whole atmosphere), I'll miss football ECA on the following monday and the chance to play football with year 7s or 8s outside of the ECA. I'll miss my friends (online and offline, mostly online), I'll miss here. For a week I'll have no-where to rant my feelings or say what I'm feeling or anything. Just have to keep it bottled inside. Great... Also, I'm gonna have to spend a week with the entire family. That includes my 2 year old nephew and my two one year old neices, one of which is rather annoying. Not to mention my sisters who generally I don't mind, but one of them is the most annoying, selfish, possessive, self-centered fiend in the history of mankind. How many fights and arguments has she caused can not be counted. The only good thing about this is that I'll be seeing my older brother whom I haven't seen for other a year. He's a great brother! But I don't think, incase you get that idea, I could talk to him about 'this'. My other brother's meh. He's not a paticularly good brother, no offense to him. Oh well. Perhaps, perhaps there's that fleeting chance that what happened in the story 'The Holiday' will happen to me. I doubt it though... Oh well...
Oh, and Crusader Kings STILL won't work. Farewell English Empire...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Oh, I also forgot to mention that I shaved my pubic hair again on Thursday. Ah, brings back memories. Feels almost exactly how I remember it...
Damn hair grows quickly though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
All right, all right already! I'll go read the damn "Holiday" story...lol. it's become such a reference point in this thread, i guess i'd better inform myself.
Yes, babies are a pain in the butt. I don't much like 'em till they hit about three, when they start developing personalities *ducks the sharp, flying objects being hurled at him by various parental types* I have a niece who is a little over a year old, and a nephew who is going to be 5 on halloween...he's the coolest kid. I don't get to see him as often as i'd like, but we have a lot of fun when i do. I need to go buy him winter clothes soon...
Despite your generally Eeyorianesque tone, it actually sounds like things are kind of looking up for you, 'specially at school. Your older brother sounds cool...maybe you could consider talking to him about the general tenor of your life, avoiding the details. The idea would be to sound him out a little bit about his level of supportiveness and whether he'd be willing to keep your confidences...and then later on, tell him the particulars when you know more about how he'll react. He may be the support you need in the family. If anybody could understand the dynamic in your family, he should be able to. I'd start by asking him about his life..."Were you happy when you were my age?" kinds of questions.
Where are you folks headed for vacation?
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
this is me as a "parental type" throwing sharp, heavy objects at aj... hehe.. j/k
"more tongue and groove than a hardwood floor"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
We're heading to Santorini which is an island of Greece...
Despite your generally Eeyorianesque tone, it actually sounds like things are kind of looking up for you, 'specially at school.
Bah, I doubt it... My mentoring will be as good as... something bad and I'll fail chemistry horribly after spilling 4 molar hydrochloric acid on myself and burning through my skin... As for my brother, he's not bad but I can't talk about anyhting serious. If I ask him if he was happy when he was my age, he'd get suspicious and think that something's up (which it may be, if you consider what I'm going through right now as something being up, but I'll be damned if my family know that!). I even blocked him on MSN so he wouldn't see my screen-names and get suspicious. Plus, it's his wedding (hence the whole vacation), so I couldn't do something as selfish as that and ruin the atmosphere or something. That said, I'm not too keen on going. There's the fact of being family for a week... And being with family always means stress and pretending always to be happy otherwise they'll get at me. Well excuse me for not being perfect! I guess I won't be able to be myself during the week at all, nor will I have any privacy or time for myself or anything... So I'll just be stuck with my family, all of whom are older than me (excpet for my neices and nephew but they're too young to count)... With no-one close to my age or younger... No little brother... Just alone and such...
Not 11, no younger companion... I have nothing... I still wish to be 11 but that's not gonna happen (despite the fact that I created another 11 year old character on NwN...). Oh to be young and innocent... Just what I think as I sit and watch kids playing football or skating or whatever... They don't know how lucky they have it... And there's a photo of me on my computer desk when I was 12 that keeps on haunting me. Yet, I can't remove it as it's one of the few remains of my broken childhood I have... In the summer hols (I may or may not have mentioned it already, I can't remember) I spent ages looking for school books and stuff from year 6 to year 8 just so I could re-expiernce those days... Needless to say, I found very little. Now all I have is that photo, my school bag (same one that I used during that period) and a few other misc things... Oh well... Logic dictates that I should just let it all go, but the reality is slightly trickier than that...
As for that holiday story, it's good, but quite long and (from my point of view) rather depressing... How I wish i had a 'little brother' (even if not blood related, but you know what I mean)... Seems I'm doomed to be alone...
Anyhow, I'm rambling so I'll stop now. I'll hopefully be on tommorow. If not, seeya, and have a good week... I know I won't (though I fully intend to be online tommorow so you needn't say your farewells to then)...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Wow, this was one of the worst Mondays ever... Started off with biology when my poor eye-site and all around ineptitude bugged me... Had break, free period, history all okay... Then it was lunch, which I ate and then got changed for the football ECA. I went down to the field, watched some year 11s play football, waited... Continued to watch and waited some more... Gradually I began to realize that the football ECA either wasn't on or was somewhere else... So now, somewhat depressed I leave the year 11s to their game and wonder off, get changed still depressed, also getting an idea at the same time what it's like to be stood up... Then spend the rest of the lunch break wondering around aimlessly... While wondering, I see the year 8s walking back from the sports hall (not the field) but there wasn't too many of them so I don't know what they were doing... Anyhow, I remain depressed for the rest of the afternoon, during my free period when I simply sit in the libary watching some kids (don't have a clue what year they were in, but young, year 8 at the max, but probably weren't) doing some reading thing... Then chemistry, when my complete and utter incompetance resulted in me not finishing the experiment... heck, I didn't even start it... Just got the equipment out and set up and by that time, it was the end of the lesson... Then I pack all my bags and such, slightly depressed still from lunch and the fact that I won't be in school for a week and will miss everything, combined with the fact that I won't have access to this site for a week and I'll be stuck with my family...
So anyway, my mum drives me home in silence, I slightly raise my voice when guiding my mum's car into the drive... Big mistake apparently. So, anyhow, I go upstairs, burst into tears about everything, the lunch, Steve, being 11 again, the holiday... Log in the internet, then my sister comes up and starts having a go at me shouting at me me to "act excited" and "stop being in a mood" or some crap and "it's only a week without the computer" and that I "spend far too much time on it" Keep in mind this was all shouted and within a period of about ten seconds. I jump up and shout back at her "It's not the ****ing computer! There's more to my life than the ****ing computer!" and stuff like that and then she starts trying to get me to explain what's wrong... Well, firstly if I was to explain everything, she'd be my last choice of who to explain it to, secondly, it would be under much favourable circumstances, and thirdly, I'd rather not say all that stuff anyway... Then she eventually has to go, saving my bacon... Er, I'm so depressed... The whole current events not to mention missing school for a week, not having access to this site for a week and being stuff with my family for a week, all the while not showing my true feelings and pretending to be happy... *sigh* I just want to die and end this misery...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Two men looked out from prison bars,
One saw the mud the other saw the stars.
Hi Eothain,
Sorry today's not been too good. We all have days that don't go well and I know you're probably feeling pretty miserable right now. But it is only week and everyone will still be here when you get back  .
One of the best books I ever read was How to stop worrying and start living by Dale Carnegie, written over 60 years ago but as fresh and relevant today as when it was published. Dale Carnegie says "if you have a lemon, make a lemonade" and that's pretty good advice.
There are two ways you can approach this holiday. You can be absolutely determined that you are going to be miserable and that you will hate it. Or you can say, well given the choice I wouldn't have gone, but now that I am going I am going to make the best of it and find something to enjoy.
Holidays are a great opportunity to step back and give you new perspectives on things. I hope you have an unexpectedly good time and come back refreshed. One thing's for sure: the weather's going to be a whole lot better there than it's going to be here .
Take care,
Nick
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
blue
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
|
|
|
Back to the left in hopes your holidays go right! We'll be here when you get back. Santorini might be fun. Cool Greek food, language, history, and art. Too bad they aren't still clothing-optional, eh?
Truly, Eothain, you have a brighter future than you are aware of, and people who care about you. One of the nicest things I've found is that some of my friends are better friends than I believed them to be. Take care of yourself, and I'll be looking forward to hearing from you again.
~Blue
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Well, I'm back... Actually I was back yesturday but didn't get in 'till late and spent the evening playing Rome: total war. And much of this evening actually... Progress is somewhat slow...
Anyhow, the holiday wasn't too bad... I guess. Sure, I did get the feeling of 'being alone' quite a bit, but that can be quite easilly put asside if you're busy either burrying your feet in sand, seeing how far you have the nerve to swim or other various things... And I got to see my brother again for a short while, but I won't see him for another 18 months so meh... As for the nephews and nieces, they weren't too bad I guess... Though my sister was her usual, selfish, evil self. She called her one year old neice a "****ing little cow" just for accidently splitting open a bag of crisps... Plus, she's better at causing arguments than the Roman Goddess Discordia (who happened to start the Trojan War... quite an argument I think you'd agree). And my other brother... well, he hates me. His attitude is colder than an iceberg on Neptune.
As for my first day back to school, it was the same... Free period as per usual where I cought up on work, then history. Which was fun as I got to dezal the class with my knowledge. It's usefull to know about the battle of Manzikert including what year it took place in! Anyhow, then there was the other history period and lunch. Now this lunch was when the main event of the day took place. I sat down with some people in my year, then noticed Steve sitting alone with Jan White, the matron, and some other woman I didn't recognise. I thought, I may as well take the chance, as now's a good a time as any... So I told my friend I'd be back in a sec, stod up, made the sign of the cross on my chest (hey, I was nervous), walked over to Steve, sat down and said "Hey Steve" and he responded with "Hey" or something like that. So to cut a long story short, I asked him how he was, how his summer was, what he got up to in the summer and such. He responded to all of them with one word answers... Then said "I have to go now" and... went off... Then I got up and returned to my friend, who'd watched the hole thing and was... against it to put it simply. But as friends go, he isn't that great a one anyway...Perhaps, yes, I was being foward, but what else can I do. I don't get any chance to talk to him really, and I have to be foward to get anything remotely close to a conversation... *sigh* Seems I'm doomed to be alone, just like in that Beegees song. What more can I do? I'd open my heart for him if he'd let me... But what's the point? Why bother trying? Now, I truly know the meaning of the phrase 'Sour grapes'... When I was younger and more naive, I thought it was stupid, but once you've experienced it... And everytime I see him, I get a mixture of frustration or anger and well, longing to be with him and such. But who am I kidding? I dunno... A longing to be (good)friends with a 12 year old, along with a longing of being 11 itself is not a very good mix...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hey Dude, welcome home.
About Steve, i don't know how to say this and i'm not sure if i should after all i've never even met him but i have talked to you on MSN for a little while so i'll try to explain this the best i can. I've had several Steves in my life, different names though; Luke, Jon, a different Jon, Will, Mark, David... well anyway, at different times in my life they were all very important to me and i wanted nothing more than to be absoulte best friends with them. Before talking to anyone of them i would spend considerable time planing exactly what i would say, considering his potential responce, my counter. It was like a game of chess. One of the happiest times i can remember was at the end of a drama rehursal (i hate drama and was only there for Luke) Luke told me, "I like you, you're a great guy." But what i didn't understand was that he liked me as a person but not really as a friend, infact nothing more than an aquantance i think. But that didn't stop me from wanting to be with him, constantly trying to find common interests, things to talk about but not usualy having enough nerve to actualy be myself in his presence. At the time i would have done anything for him, and the scary thing is, looking back, i think i would have. He didn't feel the same for me (at least i doubt it) and as i gradualy realised that, there were times when i hated him and times when i loved him. I still think about him, i never really let go and sometimes it hurts. But i have allowed myself to stop thinking that it's all Luke or nothing and yes that did open a window for me to think at different times that it would be all (insert name from above) or nothing but my life went on.
My point, i'm sure Steve is a really cool guy, he's a big part of your life i can see that, and he's important to you but you need to diversify, if you make Steve a huge part of your life then you might be setting yourself up to get hurt and you don't diserve that.
Anyway, i don't like to give advice on important issues to people i only know online because unfortunatly i really only see a small sliver of your life (most comunication is non verbal) so take what i've said, consider it, and know that i'm only telling you to be careful.
Your friend,
Pyro.
P.S. i expect to see some pictures of greece
Do what you love, changing the world is incidental.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hey pal--welcome back.
I'm sorry your conversation (sort of) with steven didn't go particularly well. There's a couple of points to be made though:
1.) this was in front of two adult women. this could have been really inhibiting for him.
2.) he may find you really intimidating--you're an older boy, obviously smart, and that may be more than he can deal with. Additionally, isn't there some kind of cultural inhibition against boys of different forms talking to each other outside of an official capacity? that's what i seem to pick up from some of the accounts of people in english schools, anyway. My school was too small to have that sort of thing going on--we all knew each other too well.
Anyway, it's nice to see you on here again, bud. I'm glad to hear that your holidays didn't totally suck, and you got to see your brother again, which is a wonderful thing.
cheers,
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
blue
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
|
|
|
Welcome back, Eothain! It's nice to see you online again.
You know what they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. Heh, Hannibal and Attila and Spartacus all had trouble, so I s'pose it might be something of a challenge, which you want in a game, natch. I've heard of these islands beyond Gallia, though. Brittania and Hibernia, I think they are. Something about Caledonians too. Strange bunch, rather. I hear they paint themselves blue and fight nude. Say...that might be rather interesting, don't you think?
It sounds like your vacation had some bright spots. Just think, from all accounts, you were near ancient Minoans and Atlanteans. At least they would've been somewhere nearby. And warm Greek sands and the teal blue Mediterranean sea, that sounds good indeed.
I'm glad you got to see your brother too. -- Think of e-mailing, IM'ing, or phoning him occasionally. You might both enjoy that.
Steve, eh? You might have a better time of it on the playing field or across a chess board... or whatever things you both like. AJ's advice was good on that. The tutoring is another good outlet; you'll get better at it as you go along. There's nothing wrong with being friends with a boy from another year, even the age difference between you, if you're both friends, who the heck cares?
It's great to see you back, Eothain. Do you know, talking here with you has helped me put some things in perspective, so you're helping others without knowing it. I hope you'll always feel welcome.
~Blue
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Heh, Hannibal and Attila and Spartacus all had trouble
And they all failed... badly.
But I've made some progress. I know own 13 provinces, and I need 50 (I think) before I can attack the senate and become emperor (or die trying). Most of France is taken, but the rest of it is owned by Briton whom I'm being peacefull to due to patriotism. But I've got an excuse to destroy spain as they declared war on me for some reason. Oh, and the nude blokes arn't completely nude. They have small loincloth thingies. So much for historical accuracy!
Think of e-mailing, IM'ing, or phoning him occasionally. You might both enjoy that.
I did used to e-mail him but I was reluctant to as I don't want to bug him or anything. Then I blocked him so he wouldn't see my MSN name (which may have sounded paticularly sucidal).
You might have a better time of it on the playing field or across a chess board... or whatever things you both like.
He no longer does chess and as for football, it makes talking a tad difficult and since the whole fiasco last time, I'm considering just not going for the rest of the term. Sure, that may result in me getting a community service, but the chances of that are pretty low. I mean, last term I didn't go to many of the golf ECAs and nothing happened. And as the winter draws in, after school football seems to be not so common (though to be honest, I haven't really looked, but generally it's possible to see if they're playing football from the main drive, where most journeys go through). So that's not gonna happen. Also, yesturday we had games, and I had football as you get to choose which one you do, with a bunch of year 11s as well as some sixth formers, but I went down to the main field, no-one was there, waited a bit then decided to skive the rest of games and do a history essay. Could someone please tell me what on earth is going on? And on the subject of mentoring, I applied to be a mentor and such, but today, some people were late for biology due to mentoring and I didn't have a clue it was going on or if I was ment to be doing anything as no-one had told me. So, what on earth is going on? Could someone please enlighten me? I'm not bloody telepathic you know! Though it would be rather usefull. For one thing I could find out what Steve really thinks of me. But I can guess: "Bloody annoying, sick, pedophilic bastard who stalks me and won't leave me alone".
There's nothing wrong with being friends with a boy from another year, even the age difference between you, if you're both friends, who the heck cares?
That's what I feel, yes, but it's not gonna happen. And pretty much everyone that knows cares. Well, many of them left. And society in general might care. OMG, I'm a pedo! I should be shot! I should be put away! (one year 11 did actually say that, but I don't think he was being serious and he doesn't know about Steve) I'm not a bloody sexual predator, you bastards!
And AJ, you make some valid points... Though once people get to know me, I'm about as intimidating as a kitten! Most of the time... And I'm not smart. Really. I have a good memory, and that's about it. Heck, I'm not even confident about A/S history and I've been 'the history buff' since year 7 (only because I had a good memory and read the horrible history series and played Age of Empires)... As for chemistry, I'm basically gonna close my eyes, hold my breath, run and hope I get through... But yeah, your points are valid and there's not really any mingling between years except for mentoring or the occassional settling a dispute in chess or finding F13 for someone... Oh, and sixth form games which involes year 11 for some reason. But except for that, there isn't really. Still, I hadn't seen a better oppurtunity to talk to him all term, though it could have been better I guess, at least since that time on the second day after school when he was walking alone and I was tempted to talk to him but just shouted out 'Oh what's the bloody point?'... Perhaps I should have taken that oppurtunity, or perhaps it was right of me not to...
Thoguh I just wish I could have a friendship like that in story The Holiday. With anyone really... Steve preferably perhaps, but anyone would be nice. But it would, preferably be someone young in year 7 or 8... But whatever, it's not gonna happen so there's no point in hoping.
Just a tiny bit more, when I was on holiday I read some of this book Ben Schapton's (I think) Miscilany. Basically random stuff about random stuff. And one bit was the levels of hell and the highest was Limbo and each level had a punishment associated with it. Limbo's was desire without hope. Or something like that. Which when you think about it, it's pretty horrible. Having such a strong desire for something (in my case a close friendship with Steve) but having absolutely no hope of success. Horrible. Though I do feel like I know how that feels, desire with no hope... Oh well...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eothain
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
|
|
|
Oh dear... In my haste I forgot to use any quote tags... Forgive me. Hope you can read that at least... Thank goodness I automatically leave spaces between quotes and text.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
blue
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
|
|
|
Eothain of Rohan wrote:
> I did used to e-mail him but I was reluctant to as I don't want to bug him or anything. Then I blocked him so he wouldn't see my MSN name (which may have sounded paticularly sucidal).
First, if I had a brother, I'd be happy if he'd talk to me, busy or not. If he's really busy and has to talk later, he can say so.
Second, if that MSN name is keeping you from talking to the people you want to talk to, *change it*. Create a new name/ID you like better, notify anyone who might need it, and change any software or web registrations, such as forums, that might use the old one. Then give yourself a transition period and after that, delete the old name/ID. *Don't* let a little thing like a screen name keep you from being you with anyone, especially your friends and loved ones. You control your online identity.
Also, there are other instant messengers and e-mail services you can sign up with, so you could sign up with one on your own, if you're worried about your privacy, especially in issues like this forum.
> Could someone please tell me what on earth is going on? ... I'm not bloody telepathic you know!
There must be somewhere or someone announcing the schedule. Find out who or where. Talk to the supervisor, coach, whoever. Talk to your mates. It isn't likely a secret. But figuring out how to find such "hidden" info is important too.
> I'm not a bloody sexual predator...
No, you're not. Just because you want to be friends, does not make you sexually interested. Even if maybe you've had some thoughts and feelings, that doesn't mean you'd *do* anything. You're a teenager, you like other teens, of whatever year. That's fine, honest. You're going to have some pretty wild thoughts every now and then. It's alright. You're so worried about wanting a close friendship, and maybe you're worried what it means to be attracted to other boys. There is nothing wrong with you. There is no "fate" saying you are doomed to repeat what happened to you, whether with a younger boy, someone in your year, or an older guy. The very fact you're worried about it says you are a better person and strong enough to do what you feel is right, instead of something that was so hurtful to you, physically and mentally, and has stayed with you for years. You will not be friendless or loveless in life.
I know what it's like to judge yourself, to tell yourself it's wrong to have feelings for other boys, to wonder what it means about you. I also now know that I didn't need to be afraid. I should've trusted myself more. I should've reached out more. It took me a long time to learn this, and it was (and still is) a very lonely road. -- But now it's getting better. I am finding out that some of my friends are better friends than I could've hoped for, and it has already made a big difference for me. I haven't yet gotten up the courage to look for someone, but I know now that it's alright, I can and will, and it'll be alright, even if it takes a while, even if I get rejected sometimes.
You have the advantage that you have more time to heal and start to enjoy life more. I am not pressuring you into anything. Take your time and do what seems best. -- I don't know what it would've taken to make me feel safe enough to open up when I was 16. I avoided it every time. I even managed to half-convince myself. Sort of. But the truth was still there. Without a friend's tough love, I might still be hiding in that closet. I'm barely peeking out, but it's a start.
> I'm about as intimidating as a kitten!
Takes one to know one. Over-analyzing. Self-deprecating. Shy. In emotional turmoil, wanting closeness, but afraid to let anyone in for fear they'll learn your deepest, darkest secret, and run screaming for the hills. Occasionally wondering if it would be easier just to die, or at least give up.
(I'm describing myself there, just as much as you. I didn't actually attempt suicide, but I did think of it. Instead, in many ways, I gave up, even though I was more or less functional.)
So mixed up about it all that it affects university, jobs, relationships, things I wanted to do in life. Had to force myself to learn how to be more outgoing and smiley, and began using it as a front to hide behind.
(Don't let that happen to you.)
> And I'm not smart.
This from someone who made what I understand are high marks on his GCSE's. You like history and perhaps archery and much more, and you're good at it. Please don't sell yourself short. You have enough going for you that people a quarter of a planet away like you and are concerned for you. That isn't just some exaggerated hyperbole.
> Perhaps I should have taken that oppurtunity, or perhaps it was right of me not to...
Did I say over-analyzing? How about playing "what-if" and second-guessing yourself in circles? It can get to be an infinite loop, with you wondering what the hell is the solution that will finally kick you out of those loops and back to normal.
> But whatever, it's not gonna happen so there's no point in hoping.
> I do feel like I know how that feels, desire with no hope... Oh well...
If I could reach through this modem and hug you and offer my shoulder to lean on, I would gladly. I, for one, am not giving up on you.
Don't despair. You are not sinful, dirty, worthless, stupid, or crazy. Quite the opposite. Despite all evidence to the contrary, there is good and beauty and love in this world, and there is certainly no shortage of people.
You are not alone. Things will get better. These words may not seem to help much, without someone in person to be there with you. But there are others like you all over the place, who feel the same way. Some are your age, some are my age, some are only eleven, like we once were. ...And some are in your town or at your school. There are hotlines and support groups for teens much like you, where you can let go of those things that burden you so, and where they'll understand because they've been there too.
Here is a friendly :hug: for you. Cheer up, gentle friend. There are good things somewhere up ahead for you.
~Blue
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Most of what i wanted to say, blue already said--and much more beautifully than i ever could have.
so i'll just write "Yeah...what he said." and let it go at that. I think the :HUG: bears repeating, though.
Oh yeah..."not smart"? Pshaw! I sure as hell don't know where, when or why the battle of Macoroni happened....sounds like a Three Stooges episode to me.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
