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I've been thinking a lot lately and I just have to tell others how I feel or I'll burst...Tell me what you think about it just be gental with me :0)
I've known I'm gay since I was 13 and I accepted it and myself. But lately I've been thinking and talking to people and I found out I have feelings for "girls" as well as "boys" and now I'm confused since I don't know where to go from here. I'm a student so I have no time to start an experimental relationship and I don't believe in one night stands. Tonight I turned 19 and I was doing some thinking and the only word I found to describe how I've been feeling for the last 6 years is - lonely!
I just don't know what to do about my new found interest in "girls" since I don't know if it's anymore than an "interest"....
I know that when I'll get into a relationship with someone I will give my all to it to the exclusion of all else and all I can think about is that I don't want to make a choice I will regret for the rest of my life ( I know I sound melodramatic but that's how strong my feelings are).Damn it... I thought I was through with confusion since I turned 13...Damn it...DAMN IT...
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
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Why do you have to choose one gender or the other at this point in time? It sounds like right now you do not have a 'significant other' so enjoy the benefits of looking everywhere and at everyone. Give yourself the chance to meet someone and get to know them. If you fall in love, that is great! But don't feel that because of a label you cannot love someone because of their gender.
Check out some of the people who post to this board. Many are married, but feel like they at least have gay tendencies (probably stronger than that if they frequent this board) and seem to be satisfied. IMO, it is because you love a person, not a gender.
My neck is sometimes in great need of therapy because I am not afraid of looking both ways. I have two ex-loves in my life, one male and one female, and I do not regret either one and still hold those loves in my heart.
At 19 you are way too young to not go out and enjoy what there is in the world to love. And forget labels, and stereotypes!
Hugs, Charlie
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I's not the labels that worry me, never have. The thing is my feelings for both sexes are not the same, I don't know how to clearify that statment. I just know that one of the sexes is wrong for me, I just do. It doesn’t matter which it is since love IS the important factor here but because of my different feelings for the different genders I know that one of those can’t be love. You should understand that I am a romantic (in the extreme as my friends tell me) and I know that if I get involved with the wrong sex it will hunt me for the rest of my life. When I get involved with someone I get in too deep too fast (emotionally that is) I just can't help it. I give it all I have and later it takes me forever to put the pieces back togather. I don't get over things I just go on. I know that I will feel guilty for the rest of my life if I’ll make a mistake with this believe me I will, I have two watches which I use for equal amounts of timme since I feel guilty for using one more then the other, I know it’s wierd but that’s me.
I’m not judging anyone but I know that I will never be satisfied living with one gender and having feelings for the other.
Don’t ask how I know all these things I just know it in my heart!
As for being only 19, If there is one thing I know it's myself!
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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The counsellor I am using tells me thatin his 28 years experience as a psycho sexual counsellor, he has discovered thatorientation is MORE than "gay, str8 and bi" and has more varieties than Heinz.
He says as well, and I agree for I have seen it in myself, that orientation fluctuates frequently throughout our lives. We remain "basically" (I so hate that word, but here it is the correct use) the same, and oscillate around it.
For example, MANY, but not all, men who state they are gay can also find a cute girl attractive. Sexually attractive. Rampant heterosexuals can find a man attractive too.
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You feel very strongly about this, I can see. All of us can.
However, maybe you just need to give yourself some time. You feel confused, you say. Maybe you need some time to find out what exactly it is you're feeling?
I myself feel attracted to either sex. Like you, the feelings are not the same for either, it's like - and this might well sound melodramatic and hopelessly romantic, something you might be able to identify with  - the love and attraction I feel for males is simpler somehow. Less complicated. Stronger on a physical level, but also not as "pure" you might say. Loving a woman however... That's when you grow old together, make a family, bond for life. (Hopefully! ) Others may, and likely will, reason differently.
If this is a recent discovery of yours (it seems so), you probably just need to give yourself some time. Like Charlie says, you should let yourself find out who you love, not what. I don't think you need to worry about screwing up your life for falling in love with the "wrong" sex. We are more resilient than that.
Talk more to us, and maybe someone will be able to give better advice...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I think the only real mistake you could make is to be driven to inactivity by your fear of making a mistake! I do this with parts of my life.
But, considering you're lonely and only 1/4 or 1/5 of the way through your life, and, frankly in your prime for finding attrative mates of either gender, you have time to make "mistakes" and love someone who may not be your soulmate forever. Even if you do grow apart, you probably won't regret the "heartbreak" in the long run for all the joys and happiness love will bring you. It will also be a learning experience.
Sometimes, I regret I didn't take more chances in my youth. I don't regret my wonderful family and loving wife, but maybe if I'd allowed myself to show my feelings toward young men back then, I wouldn't be obsessing over it now and feeling like I've missed something I can't have in the forseeable future. Just my perspective from where I'm at right now in my life, of course.
Good luck, and keep talking to us.
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Hey Gil! Very glad you posted your thinking about this problem...the more input you can get about it, the better!
It seems to me that the bigger problem is this fear of making mistakes. Am I correct in thinking that you really fear making mistakes a lot because it hurts so much to try and get over it after it ends?
Your fear of the intense pain of break-ups is perhaps a bigger problem than whether to be with guys or girls, I think...
I'm a counsellor/shrink in real life, and so I always think that counselling is a good idea...Is there anybody that you could talk to about this in more depth? School counsellor? Minister or priest? Just make sure they're accepting of your whole being, because you are attracted to both guys and girls...so a homophobic counsellor would be a pretty bad idea!
Meanwhile keep talking to us, both on the MB and even by emails to any of us that you want to. We're here to help you get thru it, as long as you keep wanting to help us work thru OUR problems as well!
Hugs
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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I cannot love different people the same way or have the same feelings about them because they are different. The bonds used to create and solidify that love are different. With Andy it is based on fond memories of doing things together, places we went, and the feeling of oneness when we were together. With Chris it is the creation of the family, and cohabitation. I still love both very deeply even though neither one has turned out the way I had hoped (or like what you are hoping for). And it is a very slow process to move on. I should be used to it by now, but I can only say that I am getting better. And I am over 50 so I do not have the comfort of youthful resilience (or looks) to help me along. All I have are some friends that for some reason listen to my problems and offer encouragement, and the knowledge that life does continue even when your heart is in so many pieces that all the king's men couldn't put it back together. And I do not doubt that given the right circumstances I could fall deeply in love again because there are too many people out there to be only one. I guess what I am trying to say is don't be afraid to try because not trying will hurt more. If it doesn't work, then learn from it and go on. And remember, there is a helping hand out there waiting to help you through.
Hugs, Charlie
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I guess on some level it is the pain of break-ups that I'm afraid of. The thing is that I am not yet out and if I date a guy it will mean I came out for him and then breaking-up...it really scares me, I guess. That was it up until now, but now there's a new part to this equation and that is that if I date a girl then it puts my last 6 years worth of feelings to ridicule. And then if we break-up...I don't know it's too complicated to explain like this.
BTW - Lenny, the way you described your feelings for both the sexes is more or less reversed in my case...I think ???
Anyway, Thankes everyone it's good to have someone to tell this things to, especially good people like you guys.I feel somewhat better already. Anyway, Sorry for getting so emotional and therefore snappy, I always get like that on my birthday. So anyway (I say it a lot don't I ?!?) Thankes for caring
Love, Gil
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
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Don't ever think that you're wasting your time previously if you fall for a girl now. It's simply a case of, "that was then, this is now..." or more likely for you, "That was that person, this is this person..."
It's like saying it's a real waste of time loving apples because you also love oranges...
You want to read a GREAT story about somebody with your exact problem (well, mostly...)??
Driver Nine wrote a series called "Sudden Storm" about a boy called Mike and his being in love with another boy. A second series builds on it, and is called "Every Day Love", and it's still being written, now up to Chapter 30. Mike is moving on in his life after a tragic accident, and finds himself amazed and disturbed that he is falling for a girl now. "Sudden Storm" is on Gay Writer's Guild, and "Every Day Love" is on Da Beagle's Doghouse. If you need url's for those 2 sites, let me know.
Driver is one of the best writers on the Net today! And I don't pass around that compliment lightly, so pay attention to the recommendation! Hehe
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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While I kind of think a relationship with a woman would be more stable and enjoyable in the long term, I find that is not really what I want... For starters, a man/woman relationship would eventually bring up the topic of getting children, perhaps marriage etc, and I am extremely wary of treading there.
I just need someone I can love, without the pressure of creating a family in the process. So, I don't know if our way of thinking is that similar after all. Maybe it is, maybe not...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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