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> The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers from around the world.
> While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air
2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
> difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
right!"
> Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed
> everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there
and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell
you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
>"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the
> verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running
high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married
to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing
between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs
us
> two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
>Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the
end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
101 and make a
> right at the light to return to the airport."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC
Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and
three miles."
>Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
>KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
>Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Unknown aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!"
>Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
>Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
>Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some
> kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
>Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
>Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
> parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a
> Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign
> "Speedbird 206": Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird
206, clear of the active runway."
>Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British Airways
747 pulled onto the main taxiway and
>slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground,
> I'm looking up our gate location now."
>Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to
Frankfurt before?"
>Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of
Boeing, but just to drop
> something off. I didn't stop."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
>United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start
clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak English."
>Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
>Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody
war!"
============================================================================
==
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature - Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and
an asshole.
===========================================================================
A SAD STORY...............
Hi,
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is
typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason
she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body.
It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.
The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled
with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on
account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have
a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work
because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry,
Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs,
even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and
chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this
email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know,
too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this
email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to
NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school
children all over America and have the astronauts take them up
into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they
will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a
collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The
doctors could help me get better then.
Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can
only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the
astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will
be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I
want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.
If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a
mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little
boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw
pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long
slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of
cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to
forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and
shame about ignoring a poor, bodyless nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a
kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty
that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves
of my burlap body. I wish that very much.
Thank You,
Billy "Smiles" Evans
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Please, a little poll here...do people enjpoy reading these? If so, I'll keep posting them occasionally. If not, I'll stop!
Advice please!
Thank you kind sirs and gentle ladies...
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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when would you find the time to write your stories, hehe?
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No Message Body
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Charlie Smith
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 46
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No Message Body
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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No Message Body
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No Message Body
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
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“IN THE BEGINNING”
(To justify God’s ways to the 21st century)
#In the beginning was the computer. And God said:
: Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
: God.
#Enter user password.
: Omniscient.
#Password incorrect. Try again!
: Omnipotent.
#Password incorrect. Try again!
: Technocrat.
#And God signed on at 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
: Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
: Create light.
#Done.
: Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a. m., Monday, March 2.
: Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
: Create firmament.
#Done.
: Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
: Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification. Try again!
: Create dryland.
#Done.
: Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And god signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
: Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
: Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
: Create fish.
#Done.
: Create fowl.
#Done.
: Run fish’nfowl.
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after it’s kind and every winged fowl after it’s kind. 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
: Create cattle.
#Done.
: Create creepy things.
#Done.
: Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
: Create man.
#Done.
: Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
#Too many command operands. Try again!
: Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
: Insert breath.
#O.K.
: Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
: Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
: Create Gard.En.
#Done.
: Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
: Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
: Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
: Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
: Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
: Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
: Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
: Create desire.
#Done.
: Run multiplication.
#And God saw man’nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
: Create freewill.
#Done.
: Run freewill.
#And God saw man’nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
: Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
: Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
: Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
: Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man’nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
: Create good’nevil.
#Done.
: Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man’nwoman not in Gard.En. #1 errors.
: Scan Gard.En for man’nwoman.
#Man’nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
: Search Gard.En. for Man’nwoman.
#Search failed.
#Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been actuvated.
: Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
: Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
: Break
: Break
: Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE SIGN OFF.
: Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
: Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
: Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6. #And God had zero funds remaining.
created by: El Pullo Diablo
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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No Message Body
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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Cross-examination of a witness in court. ALLEGEDLY true.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
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Air Travel Funnies//New English Words//Latest Email Charity Ploy 
Re: Air Travel Funnies//New English Words//Latest Email Charity Ploy 
I would say yes, I enjoy them, but...... 
Yes, continue please 
