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For those interested in knowing more about me, there's still the "The dark place that is me" threads (2 of them) if you feel some morbid, perverse interest to look into an unhappy guy's life.  They're on page 2 and 3 I think right now... I'll be a bit more rambling here, talking about how I feel at the moment, what my day has been like etc.
Today has been OK, I guess. At least using my own personal scale, to anyone else it'd probably be a dysmal day. I talked to my doctor/physician today, describing to her how badly (or positively, depending on the point of view) that Sigur Rós video affected me, which I watched for the first time a little over a month ago. She said I seemed more open, more talkative, than last time we've met. She may well be right, but I still feel so fucking lonely.
I then spent the day listening to MP3s, reading those of Tim's short stories I hadn't checked out yet (still some left), and actually getting some writing of my own done. I'm almost finished with my new story, if any of you wanna read it please email me since Tim is away (I've updated my account info with such details) and I'll send it over when it is done. I found out a while ago why I'd been having such a hard time finishing it even though it's been shining like a beacon fire in my mind. Some aspects of it hits too close to home... It's not a story ABOUT me in any way shape or form, but it still is kind of auto-biographical in a weird kind of way. Much more so than my first work.
It was Tim's stories that made me able to write at all today I think. They're almost all basically nice and cute and happy, and they must have cheered me up I feel. Thanks, Tim! I owe you...
I then went down to my gym at seven in the evening to attend my beginner's spinning class. It was exhausting like always, but felt good afterwards (also like always). I guess it's the natural dope released in your brain while exercising that does it, I'm always in a better mood afterwards, and it makes my "resting days" even harder. I miss my biking sessions, but people say the body needs to recuperate too, so I force myself to rest twice a week.
There was a rather sexy boy there tonight. I say boy, but young man is closer to the truth, I'd guess he was in his early 20:s. Like the word "boy" more though, so sue me. About my height, short and straight kinda dirt-blonde hair, wasn't extremely pretty, and had a little spotty complexion (but still good-looking mind you!), but oh GOD what a nice ass! I noticed him first before class, he was leaning up against a wall with his hands stuck in the pockets of his long blue shorts. He had pulled up the legs of the shorts just a bit so I could just barely see him tense up his great-looking thighs. Dunno why he did it, in a story he'd be probing the waters to see if anyone catched his bait.
I have pretty decent legs too, and when I was 23 and was pumping iron, I actually seduced a well-hung guy once in the local swimming arena simply by flexing my thighs at him. Too bad he was a bit older than me, or I'd never let go of him... I jerked him off in the jacuzzi bath, and that was it. A nice, but shallow memory. I plan to regain those legs, btw, just gotta lose some more weight before I start working out. Ok, intermission over, back to spinning class...
Later, the boy sat down on the bike almost right in front of me, and jesus, what an ass! Muscular, full buttcheeks, covered by a pair of tight briefs outlined beneath his shorts, briefs that were visibly riding up between those magnificient buttocks. I could not stop staring! Too bad our trainer put out the ceiling lights, which made it impossible to properly study him as we biked... But I got a good look at him during warmup, and MMMM...........
I had decided to speak to him afterwards, ask if he was going to go to the spinning class often and things like that, but he didn't get down to the showers immediately after (not sure where he went). Hope he's back next week, I'll ask him then! I took my time showering, sitting in the sauna for a while, and later I did meet him in the shower. Wasn't the right time to talk then though.  He was as good-looking without clothes as with, slim, not that muscular except those nice legs (a bit hairy) and ass (not hairy at all I think). Nice dick, large but not massive... Wished I was ten or fifteen kilos lighter, I'm down below 94 now, but still too soft around the waist. Dammit.
Ok, this is enough for now. More to follow later, I suppose...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I agree with your doc, lenny...you're slowly but surely improving...you're interacting more out in the world...the exercise activities sound like just the right thing to do. Hell, if I could be guarenteed such good views as you had with that one guy, I might even be pursuaded to go to the gym, which my doctor keeps harping on me to do! Hehe
I'd like to read the story when it's done...send it my way if you want to and have time (Shut up Charlie...I know I'm supposed to be writing...lol) I liked your first one, so this one should be good also!
Did you know I'm a writer also? As is Mihangel and a couple of the others...!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Improving? Interacting?
I dunno. It doesn't much FEEL like it...
But I do agree about the exercising. It's my high-point of the whole day, and I never really LIKED to exercise before, not even back when I was a swimmer. I'd swim mostly because my father wanted me to (he was an elite-level swimmer back in the fifties). And, because it was kind of fun too or else I absolutely would not have done it. I never was truly good at it, more than decent as far as technique goes, but the speed was lacking. Probably because willpower and self-esteem was also lacking, I just didn't have what it took to really put my mind into it.
...And also, I suppose, because one sees lots of really nice boy and girl flesh in a swimming arena (especially at competitions), and every once in a while, you get the chance to touch it too. When I was nineteen, there was this gorgeous kid there, (kinda cute, blonde skater kid around 12 years old I think, lean body, fantastic legs and butt for his age), and he'd let me put my hands anywhere on him (you know, not in a sexual manner, even though touching him even just on a shoulder certainly was for me), and toss him around in the water after training. Man, did I enjoy that or what, and I know he did too... Too bad I got drafted into the army, and when I was prematurely released after less than six months (another of my failures, sigh!), he had quit the club. Don't think I saw him again after that, ever... (And I like to pretend he quit because I wasn't around anymore. Probably a stupid notion, but one's allowed to pretend anything, I suppose.) You win some, you lose some... Got some good memories of it at least, and I sometimes wonder what happened to the guy later. There's some things I'd done differently if I knew how it all would have turned out, some things I'd shown him and some things I'd wanted to do with him. ...But, isn't that always the case? You never get the chance to fix such mistakes, even if they're basically just omission of action. I had a glorious thing in my grasp, and I let it slip away. Blaagh...
And yeah, I do know you're a writer (if nothing else, Charlie complains often enough about you not doing enough of it! ), but I don't think I've read any of your stuff yet, unless you have a different pen name. Therefore, I look forward to the next chapter of "Robin" too, both because I've enjoyed the series so far, and because I'll be able to check out your writing style. I hope you finish soon (hint!).
Thanks for your reply. Shrinks are nice to have around at times. Ok, time to hit the "Post!" button now...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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While you're waiting for Robin, you might want to check out "Holding On For Dear Life" on Nifty Young Friends, scroll down to mid-October 2001...Also "larry's Love" in Nifty's Adult Youth section, scroll down to mid-November 2001. Plus "Green-Eyed Monster on Nifty Adult Youth in February 2002...Cgarkie helped me with ideas and editing on GEM, by the way. I also co-authored a chapter 2 of one of Tim's stories with Charlie Smith (whom you have met on this MB, called "Face in the Window" Chapter 2, on Tim's stiry site.
That should keep you busy for now...hehe
Hugs
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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and he is helping me with my first stab at writing fiction.
Sounds like the rest of us. If we followed up on every possibility of a relationship, we would never get anything done. No, that's not true. I don't have that many opportunities, and through the years I passed on many because of the possibility of legal ramifications. I still keep the hook out though, never know when you might get a nibble.
Hugs, Charlie
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Just had this amazing, sad dream... Amazing for its clarity, its vividity. Sad only because of the thoughts it has awakened in me after weaking up from it.
Me and my kind of best friend, a person I haven't heard a PEEP from in about fifteen months now (he can be like that at times, disappearing completely out of sight and then simply re-surface all of a sudden. Yes, it makes me angry), were sitting outside in my old home town, talking. I hardly ever have conversations in my dreams, and this one was so real... So real! I don't recall all the minute details of it, but here it is as best I can make it.
"Where have you been all this time?", I ask him. "This MORE than a year?"
"I've discovered things about me, that I'm gay, and I've really been inundated with really difficult work...", he says. He's a designer at heart. Clothes, furniture, patterns, shapes, things, objects, rooms, houses - anything. He can make it happen, but he stresses easily and gets easily frustrated too. He often takes on too much work and when things go badly he often seems to shift all the blame to other people. Some of it probably is, but some of it comes from him not being able to cope with the load he's carrying. I tried to make him slow down, but it's difficult for him because he really seems to like what he does too, his creating stuff. Very much a 'physical' person, school did not suit him at all, and he dropped out of highschool - same class as me - after less than a full year and lots of absent days.
"Because, I really feel you've been fucking hiding from me!", I say accusingly. I've sent emails. I've called his cellphone, sent SMS messages. No answers, no replies. And I don't know why, what I've done wrong. We were still friends last time we heard from each other a few days before new year's eve 2000. Christ, has it really been that LONG?
"Well... Yeah." He is reluctant to answer.
"And your discovery...", I hint. "Is it a sudden one?" I burn to tell him I have known about me for forever. We were kind of best friends (or that was how it felt for me at least, don't know about him), very similar personalities, similar interests even though I do not share his skill with tools and making things. VERY similar views on life, people, and what is important in life - and thus also, what isn't. I know in my dream it might not be possible for me to love him because we were such good friends, but I want to all the same. He's ten months my junior, born on december thirteenth, and a bit depressive in his personality. Again, much like me. However, I can't think of us as a couple despite all our similarities and despite the fact he's utterly gorgeous physically. Very handsome face, dark curly hair which he sometimes wears long and sometimes almost shaved down to his scalp, killer body. Always led an active life and very muscular despite never having worked out. But I would like to love him... Help him through HIS dark times...
"Yes, kind of..." He doesn't want to talk. Sometime during our conversation the landscape has changed. Instead of set in the boat harbor in my old home town, summertime, it is now winter instead. We're on a snowy skiing trail in the forest. My friend jumps into a fir tree and begins to climb it (he is a physical person like I said, he can do things like that all of a sudden). Snow falls from branches as he disturbs them, some of it landing on him. We're dressed in thick winter clothes, but it doesn't feel cold in my dream.
...And I wake up against my will.
Dammit.
Fuck.
Shit!
First time in a long while I think of my friend, and it has to be in a dream, and he has to say what he says. Dammit!
...I really don't think he's gay at all in real life though.
But it makes things difficult. I wonder still why he broke off contact with me. I wonder what I did to make him do it. I think back, and I can't see anything. We were going to meet up at new year's eve. I phoned him just after december had turned into january, wondering why he hadn't kept in touch like he promised so I could try to invite him to another friend's little new year's eve party, but intending to send my congratulations too of course. It was busy, which I should have guessed, he had a large circle of friends and acquaintances in my new home town - our new home town. ...Which he wanted to leave, I knew. He had become bored with it, I think.
I called several times after that as time went by, always no answer or once, busy. I called again a little while later after the busy signal and then again there was no answer. I called more times after that, as months passed.
The same friend who held the new year's eve party bumped into my friend in the summer of 2001 back in my old home town, quite by accident. We all three come from that same town (even though none of us were born there), and as it turned out, he'd been abroad for a while. That's not unusual either with my best friend. Sometimes he just goes away and spends half a year or more somewhere... England (which his father hails from), Ireland, France, the US... I envy his ability to simply pull up his roots like that and go off somewhere for long periods of time. Almost on a whim.
I have since deleted his cellphone number in frustration. I don't want to call him again. I do remember his hotmail account though, but I'm not sure he's still using it. I don't want to mail him (again) either.
I feel let down.
And he still has my Half-Life CDs, which I have reminded him of in one of my emails and he still hasn't contacted me...
-Lenny Valentin, who is mourning a lost best friend.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Interesting dream!
Jung quite often liked to have people analzye their dreams in such a way that each person in the dream symbolizes a different part of your own self.
So what part of yourself might you be interacting with in this frustrating manner?
What part of yourself are you still yearning after, but should probably let go of and move on toward the future?
Easy for me to say, but the old baggage seems to be heavy to bear...you might be better off without it...
Maybe go buy new Half-Life CD's and start enjoying the music again...don't wait for them to be returned anymore!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Interesting dream!
Jung quite often liked to have people analzye their dreams in such a way that each person in the dream symbolizes a different part of your own self.
So what part of yourself might you be interacting with in this frustrating manner?
What part of yourself are you still yearning after, but should probably let go of and move on toward the future?
Easy for me to say, but the old baggage seems to be heavy to bear...you might be better off without it...
Maybe go buy new Half-Life CD's and start enjoying the music again...don't wait for them to be returned anymore!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Worrying dream, I'd say. It made me think too much.
I'm not sure I'm interacting with myself at all, like Freud said, sometimes a dream is just a dream. ...Or whatever. There were just the two of us in this dream, and it was rather strong in color, and it felt completely real. Often at least I get a sense that a dream is a dream, but not this time.
What it really means, isn't that for you to know and me to find out? What would Jung have said? I don't put much stock in psycho-analysis and such, but it could be interesting to hear all the same.
Not sure I should let go of anything either. I have let go of so much, so many people over the years, I'll soon have nothing left if I keep it up. Not much baggage associated with this friend of mine, just disappointment over him not being able to call me or anything.
And I did buy new CDs too. A long good while ago.
Maybe my dream was triggered by an idea for a new story that struck me late last night. I came up with the 'Dramatis Personae' as Tim likes to call it really easy (and they're quite unique I think), and the ball just kept rolling, I stayed up until 04.30 and wrote and read what I've written and wrote more and re-read it again, it was awesome. I wanted to create something bright and fluffy and happy for once, but of course there's a strong dose of darkness in there as usual. Maybe more than usual even... Heh. I can't seem to avoid it, so I'll stop trying.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I can't stand this stupid, shallow culture of ours anymore. I was going to watch the evening news and two other shows on TV. Mondays is just about the only day of the week with anything worth watching, I see the evening news, and then two drama shows. Good acting and good scripts every time, it's not all rosy and cuddly in those shows, I like that.
Anyway, what I was getting to is that as I was waiting for a commercial break to end, I switched on the sound on the TV (which I had muted) for just a second, and just then another commercial came on. A woman started speaking, she saying the word "wrinkles" before I hurriedly muted the thing again, and I just wanted to throw up in disgust.
No, we can't have wrinkles now can we! Have to buy some fucking skin cream to make them go away! Look at how smooth this 21-year-old model is, she uses our expensive anti-wrinkle cream! Look like her, buy it! No, fuck it! Buy two! Buy! Buy, you stupid motherfucker, this is a fucking commercial!!!!!
Argh.
I'm completely messed up right now.
I've been feeling a little bit better about myself lately. Just a little bit. I'm lighter now than I've been in years, and I'm strengthening heart and lungs with my biking. But today, I actually found myself feeling bad about feeling better.
It's all I got, feeling bad about myself. It's a protective blanket I can use to cover my other shortcomings. I can't succeed with anything because I feel so bad about myself. But what happens if I no longer feel as bad? Then I got no protection. I'm still no fucking good at anything, so then all my failures really MUST be my fault. I wasn't REALLY failing because I was feeling bad, I was failing because I'm a miserable failure of a person, a worthless human being.
THAT'S how I started to think. And it made me feel bad of course, and I didn't know what the fuck to do about it.
My feeling-bad-feelings is a really treacherous mistress. She has absolutely no loyalties to me.
I don't wanna go cycle anymore. It has started to feel like a chore. Even writing's a chore now, still know what I want to write, but I just can't do much of it.
I've lost the edge, and I don't know what the fuck to do.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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keep going, it will get better again. I have hit that plateau many times. Sometimes I quit. Lately I haven't, and I love it. I am finally getting off my ass and doing something rather than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Sure, I got shot down more times than I can remember, but now I keep trying, and one of these days, I am sure, I will find happiness (that hopefully will last longer than my other brief flights). So hang in there! So cliche, but it is darkest before the dawn.
Hugs, Charlie
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"Get better" is a very relative term for me.
Because "better" is NEVER very good to begin with.
I've been ignoring my problems for so long, well over a decade (maybe even two), it really DOES feel like it's too late now. I have a mountain of grief of bad feelings piled on top of me, it's much more than I could possibly deal with in a lifetime.
I don't even want to deal with it, because even thinking about it all just makes me...
...It's too difficult to talk about.
My creativity, which up until now, mostly took expression as sci-fi and fantasy stories, have now turned towards teenage gay romance instead. It's an attempt to live at least some kind of life through the actions of my characters I know. Of course... It's not really working, like everybody can understand for themselves. I feel bad about pretending like this too, it's all fake. Make-believe. And it's not working, that's why I can't write.
I had a long night's rest (bout nine and a half hours), but I don't feel rested. I didn't have any pleasant dreams (that I can remember), just a feeling of emptiness inside of me as I woke up.
I wish I'd run away from my family when I still was a child. Run away, and refused to go back. Told someone how bad it all was. But I wasn't strong enough, I was ashamed. Too frightened. I still am.
I wish I'd run away...
I shouldn't have to live like this. I deserved better. It's not MY fault my life is ruined. Other people did this to me. (No, I'm NOT projecting.)
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I chanced.
I sent an anonymous email to my friend's hotmail account a couple days ago, just to see if he still used it. Yes, he did.
I said I was a person he knows, but didn't say who I was. I wrote him in English to throw him off a bit. I said he'd better contact me, or we'd part forever.
He didn't take it very well. It seems he has no idea it was me who sent the email, that it's been fifteen months since we last spoke.
So I said goodbye to him, told him not to write again, and put his address on my blocked sender list.
Not sure if I feel relieved or not. At least I don't have to think of him again (but I know I will), worry if he's ever going to tell me where he lives these days.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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because I do care and you are sad and lonely, I know. But, you can't blame others for your decisions today - your childhood is a peice of you, but not ALL of you. YOU can decide to change your life. I know you want to. I know it's not easy, I'm not one to take chances either, but I do want you to be less miserable.
Take care - I will be thinking of you.
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(The above is meant to be taken with a twinkle in the eye. )
I feel much better today. Maybe because I noticed this morning I've started to have something that resembles a waist again... I feel ready to go back to my training once more. In fact, I kinda look forwards to it, I'm ready to lose more weight now after a break of two days. I've even written a little on my second story, it'll be completely done soon.
Yes, I've rested enough for now I think. Time to get my blood pumping again. And tomorrow's spinning-class again, maybe the guy with the great ass is back too! Who knows?
Anyway, I'm nowhere near as much a master of my own destiny as I'd like to be, certainly not as much as you imply (meaning no disrespect, I appreciate you taking the time to reply!). Maybe I can become that some time in the future, but right now I can only try to keep staying alive, that's hard enough as it is. That, and try to feel good about little things, such as re-conquering my waistline. I'm not there yet, but now I have solid evidence I'm winning the battle.
But anyway, things feel considerably brighter today. Thanks for caring.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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In simple words so that we understand, exactly what happened in your childhood.
I know you are speaking of it as clearly as you can so far. That helps, but not totally.
I can see so many different scenarios in the words you have used so far. they range from simle neglect and lack of love, through being used as a servant, through physical abuse to sexual abuse. Yet I cannot tell which. Each requires subtly different solutions
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Alright, you people asked for it... 
Re: Alright, you people asked for it... 
Re: Heh, you've upset Charlie again it seems! 
Nah, I just like harassing David 
Dreamscape 
Cgarkie huh. Wandering fingers? 
It is a momentary plateau... 
