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I REALLY had trouble falling asleep last night.
Not because I didn't feel tired. Quite the opposite. I was having the most wonderful semi-dream. You know, the kind where you're not quite sleeping, but absolutely not awake either, and where you almost can decide yourself what you're doing in that dream (or that's how it feels at least). Or am I the only one that has this kind of dreams?
Well anyway, I was having such a dream, and it was a sex dream. I was sooo fucking horny I can't believe it, and when I awoke I had this stupid grin on my face, and I tried to sleep again and I went right back into the same dream which awoke me again. AAARGH!  And there went an hour of my night out of which I got zero rest, became terribly sexually excited which impaired my ability to get some REAL sleep, and just plain regretted ever having that dream/waking up from it. Not really sure which of the two is more true, really.
That's so frustrating! What would I not give for just ONE such moment in real life... GGNNNHHHH...
Haven't had real sex since - don't laugh please, coz it aint funny - 1993. And it wasn't even satisfying either...
For me, that is.
I kind of got picked up you could say. Older guy than me (but not old), tall, VERY well-hung. Lean and a more than OK body, but not that good-looking.
HE came like a volcano, but I just felt completely unsatisfied (which he never noticed), and I had to go home with a set of balls that were aching like you would not believe. Argh. He called twice (I'd given him my number, stupid me) and wanted to meet again for more, I gave excuses. I suppose I could feel some pride about apparantly being great in bed, but it doesn't help much.
Goes to prove that size really ISN'T everything. So I guess I could see the whole episode as a successful empiric scientific experiment or something...
Right now I'm just feeling that sex is greatly over-exaggerated. I WANT it alright, but I wonder if it's all its cracked up to be. It only really works for me in my dreams. Even "pleasure by the hand" gives me zero. Never managed to give myself an orgasm that way, and getting jacked off by someone else also gives very little. Yes, things happen inside me and all that, but it's no big fireworks or anything. Bleh. Over-rated. 
Next topic:
Today I weighed myself again. 91.5 kilos in training clothes. It's going rather well, I think. My biking's helping, I did the 24-minute program on level seven instead of six, and I managed it just fine. Pulse never went above 166bpm or so, which proves that my body's starting to shape up internally too. Tomorrow I'll step up the twelve and second six minute programs to level eight and see if I can handle that (I can adjust in real-time if neccessary). Tuesday will be my first regular spinning class.
Positive side-note:
I also heard my first nightingale of the year today. They're so beautiful you just want to stop and listen forever and ever; their song is different every time. It was right in the heart of the city, in a part which is very lightly trafficked on saturday evenings, and it happened a little after six or so, and it was so beautiful.
And yes, Tim. I'll speak of my childhood too some day, but not right now.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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...Missing.
Argh. 
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Some folks need to have all the emotional stuff in order for sex to "work" or "be good." That's probably not a bad thing, cuts down on the physical-only relationships, but also (just maybe) why you can't do it yourself. Just a thought. Hope you find that someone special soon, but hang in there, bud. Maybe too it'll be even better for you (vs others) when everything is perfect for you?
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Dammit, I hate my life.
I fucking HATE it.
I've been feeling sorta-OK for a little while, but it seems that is over now. I'm back in the abyss, back where I belong it seems.
Waking up early (9:07 is early for me) is in a way good, previously, I could sleep in until one in the afternoon and sometimes even later. Some days previously this winter (and others) it could be dark outside all "day" around for me. Didn't matter, I had nothing to do anyway.
Now I just don't know why I bother. I still have nothing to do.
I can't help myself thinking of all that which is missing in my life, I KNOW it just makes me even more miserable but it's impossible to stop!
Yeah, yeah. I know... "Only you can change your life, nobody else." I've heard it many times before, I've said it to myself on countless occations.
NO! I damn well fucking CAN'T! I'm completely paralyzed here, I don't know what I could do to change ANYTHING, or even how to try to accomplish it!
"Ya gotta try!"
HOW?! I don't know what to do! Even if I did, I'm not sure I'd dare, because even the slightest risk of facing rejection would be a blow of such magnitude it would be preferable to simply stay put. I've been knocked around too many times in my life already, I don't want to experience it again.
Especially not in a situation where I might already have laid myself bare to another person, mentally or physically.
I simply CAN'T risk it. I have no idea what I'd do if I'd be turned down, I might lose it altogether.
...But it's always a gamble, innit? Like a lottery, no ticket is guaranteed to be a winning one. So I just don't play any lotteries.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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At the risk of sounding harsh or lacking in empathy, some comments.
The comments are strictly from my own experience, as I don't really know you and can't fully appreciate your situation.
One...if your depression is of long standing and impedes your ability to work as well as to (obviously) enjoy life or relationships, have anti-depressent medications ever been suggested for you to try? Many people have chemical imbalances that no amount of will-power or therapy can do much for...
2...We all decide to try something or not try something one thing at a time, one day at a time...keep your goals concrete and manageable, like you already do with the exercise. That seems to be working for you, as does the contacts with various friends when you feel up to it.
3...Since you have loads of time (too much) on your hands (because you aren't working right now, I gather)you have a tendency to brood. Why not try some volunteer activities in your city...there are gay and non-gay organizations that need volunteer help all the time. It keeps you busy, keeps you feeling active and useful, and take away from feeling in limbo.
4...I think you mentioned having a therapist once...is that working out? Several of us on this MB have been to therapists before, and they help if it's the right person and there's a good match. I have had my share, too.
Just some things that have worked for many people...
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Granted I was working at the time but there was no manner of social life other that the very "safe" job I was doing at the time. Dave in HK is right, small steps and reasonable goals and his suggestion about volunteering makes alot of sense too.
I started going out simply by sitting on the front step of my house. Then every few days I would venture out to lhe limit of my "comfort zone" and force myself to go just one or two steps further. In time things began to open up for me.
I know how hard it is..... But I also know that if you are willing to try then you have the key to success.
If you want to talk.....
my ICQ # is 64010568
and my AIM id is Marcv1972b
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Having just spent the weekend with Marc and Kevy, I can tell you that he is one AWESOME guy. Outoing, teasing, happy, content with life and looking for ways to improve it properly. I'm not going to go into what he went through, that's his property.
But what I will say is that he had terrific guts and got courage from inside and pulled through all the shit that surrounded him.
I've probably embarrassed the crap out of him now. But that's OK. He has the guts to expose some of his old issues to show you how one chaneg at a time, one step after another will mean you can succeed.
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No Message Body
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Brandon
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Getting started |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1
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It seems like I have a brother in spirit. As I was reading your original post I couldn't help but think how odd it seemed hearing my own comments as I read what you had written. My feelings are about on par with yours.
Here is to hoping your life gets better,
Brandon
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Thanks, man...
I don't know if you understand how much it means to me hearing you say what you did, but it really does. (sniff) Thank you so much.
Email me if you want to, for any reason you might think of. I sure could use a brother in spirit right now...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Hmmh.
Insomnia... Went to bed at twelve, tired for real, prepared for a good night's sleep. Woke up at four in the morning, not sure why. Went right back to sleep. But now, insomnia... And it's again erotically inspired.
Just had the most amazing dream. I was in the streets of my city, walking with beautiful, sexy teen girls. One at a time only, but that was quite enough! They were dressed in strange clothes made of sheets of flexible, shiny, sparkly plastic. Red or deep pink in color, not quite sure which. I'd be with one girl in two stages, first a part where I couldn't do anything on my own (this was sort of the rules of the dream), and I don't remember much of this part), then there would be a crossfade and we'd be somewhere else, me and the same girl. And it would be more "inofficial" somehow and I'd get to feel her up. She didn't mind, but didn't actively participate either.
And then there'd be another crossfade and I would be with a different girl. The last one (not sure of how many, more than two I think), I had pulled up her strange plastic shirt and was just having my hands on her tight tummy - not any of those Really Exciting Places - when You Know What happened in my body back in the real world and I forcifully woke up. Underwear-change-time, argh!
It feels good being able to feel this way for either sex, it is comforting. But it is in a way double frustration too, because I don't have either a boyfriend or a girlfriend...
Sidenote: all the bad karma in the world to Bill Gates. His fscking windows millennium is coming apart at the seams AGAIN for me. That will be the third re-install I'm forced to go through in less than six months with my new computer. It now hangs, completely or partially, every time it tries to put my monitor to sleep. I've turned that off right now, don't feel like reformatting harddrives and shit in the wee early morning.
Sidenote II: I've decided. I'm going to become Lenny officially too. It'll cost me dearly, and it might not change anything substantial in my life. But at least I'll be more true to myself that way.
I'll have to deal with the fallout, explaining to everyone that I've changed my name and all, it will be difficult for them and me. But I don't want to keep this old name of mine anyway, so it has to be done.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Congrats on the decision, and the dream (?)
I still swear by Windows 98 myself, and we had a whole corporation on '95 up until a year ago because it was SO stable with all the patches, but now a few things won't run on '95 anymore. Take care, bud.
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Yeah, I forgot to mention this...
My right knee has started to act up rather badly. I've known something was up with it for a while, I've felt it while biking. Stupid of me to ignore it, but I felt like there was nothing else I could do, my biking means so much to me I didn't want to stop.
But now it's begun to actually hurt. I was taking a long walk yesterday instead of biking just to spare it, and I still felt it. Dammit! Why does it always have to be this way for me? As soon as I find something I like, something has to go wrong and wreck it all...
Well, I'm going to go see a doctor today about it. I pay $20 for that pleasure, and all the doctor'll tell me is likely to rest for a while and see if it gets better... Dammit, I don't want to rest. I like to get tired these days, why am I not allowed to feel a little good about myself?!?!?
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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It does not stop me using the gym.
I take MSM, Chongroitin and glucosamine. All these seem to help. I had surgery on it 15 months ago, and it has not improved it, so non impact exercise is the only way. Biking is fine, so are those "elliptical action" quasi running machines
If your gym has them, add Pilates classes too. Yoga CAN strain knees, but is ideal for suppleness. Consider it
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Spoke to my doctor, and she thinks it's likely nothing to worry about. It's probably just a bit overworked, maybe the inner surfaces are a little uneven which creates a bit of discomfort. I've been recommended to work out my upper thigh muscles to help support the knee cap with a simple home exercise, so that's what I'll do. I'm going back to the gym today, I HAVE to get my biking fix: I'm in withdrawal right now after two days of being without it...
If I don't start to hurt, I'll do my usual routine. Hope it won't hurt...
As for suppleness, hm. I sure could use some of that. But it'll have to wait until I'm in better shape I think. I can't concentrate if I start doing too many things at once... When I reach a more ideal weight (about 85 kilos), I'll step down on the bike training and step up something else. Weights, likely. Something else, maybe. I've been thinking of taking up some form of martial arts, the spiritual/mind aspect of many of those sports sounds very compelling.
Thanks for sharing with me...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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No Message Body
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Just talking... (About myself.) 
Yes.... Sex IS all it's cracked up to be..... Definately :-) 
A brother in spirit 
Double Frustration - in a not entirely bad way. And a decision... 
Some more frustration... 
