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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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For those of you who don't know me, I tell the worst jokes you've ever read. It's really all right to groan and throw stuff at me.....and please add a joke of your own. There's lots of stinky jokes out there  )
The Desert Camel
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour, he noticed a very old, seedy camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour what the camel was for.
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when we do, um, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captian could not stand it anymore, so he told the sergeant, "Bring me the camel."
The sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.
As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
JJ
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 OH MY
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "...don't break my heart, my achy, brakey heart..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the
student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any a**hole can sing country music."
(\\__/) And if you don't believe The sun will rise
(='.'=) Stand alone and greet The coming night
(")_(") In the last remaining light. (C. Cornell)
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How about this: (and mind you, it's meant to be SPOKEN. So try it out on someone if they haven't already heard it and watch the groans unfold)
Okay, so this anteater waddles into a bar, right? And he scrambles up onto the barstool and waits patiently for the bartender to take his order. Finally, feeling a little foolish and having run out of other people to tend to, the bartender apprehensively walks up to the anteater and asks what it would like to drink.
"Hey there," the bartender says, amused at himself, "what would ya like? Maybe a beer?"
The anteater quickly intercedes with "NOOOOoooooo!"
At first, the bartender is a bit taken aback as he wasn't really expecting a reply at all. He quickly regains his composure, though, and tries again.
"Well, perhaps you'd prefer a martini?" he suggests.
"NOOOOOoooo!" replies the anteater.
Again, the bartender takes a moment to question the reality of the situation but finally concludes that as long as the anteater pays for its drink - assuming it finally orders one - there ought to be no reason why it shouldn't be in the bar. So, thus reassured, the bartender tries a third time.
"Is there a chance you'd like a bloody mary?"
"NOOOOOOoooooo!" the anteater answers back.
Well, the repetitive nature of the conversation is starting to wear on the bartender so he decides to ask the anteater a question that has been bothering him from the beginning.
"Listen," says the bartender, a bit agitated, "I gotta ask: what's with the long 'no's?"
Get it? Long Nose? Oh man, that one gets me every time. And if you tell it like that, your listeners will think the punchline is gonna be really funny because the set-up'll take FOREVER. They'll probably wish they had the last five minutes of their life back!
Right, so that's my corny joke for today. Adios!
viðrar vel til loftárása
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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No Message Body
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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And I thought CW (noise) was frogs farting in a church.....hehehe...rob
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. he points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." The chief responds with, "Rock". The missionary is getting excited that his experiment is working when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike".
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out a blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief how he has spent years teaching them to be civilized and kind to each other. How could he kill two people in cold blood?
The chief replies, "Riding MY bike".
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Right, so it's another slow day at the bar when this huge bear saunters through the door, lumbers up to a stool and sits down. The bartender - thinking "oh, God - not another animal!" - has learned his lesson about trying to ignore furry patrons and immediately asks the bear what he would like to have.
To this, the bear replies, "I'll have a burger and . . . . . . . . some chips."
The bartender looks at the bear, curiously and says, "uh, why the big pause?"
Get it? PAWS!? Oh, Man! I'm in stitches over here!
viðrar vel til loftárása
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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No Message Body
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I can tell it.....my hair is dirty blonde :-*
smith calls his boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
His boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"
smith replies, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
His boyfriend decides to come over and help with the puzzle. smith lets him in and shows him the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a minute, then looks at the box. He turns to sweet smith and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're never gonna be able to make these pieces look like a tiger."
He takes smith's hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax and then we'll put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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that was the best joke ever.........rob
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I just so happen to have a killer blonde joke as well, which I can tell because my hair, too is blonde. Really dirty blonde. In fact, some people tell me it's dark brown. Anyway, to the joke . .
So this blonde decides that he'd like to make a little extra money and, upon reviewing his talents, decides that he should go around the neighborhood and ask if anyone needs anything painted.
Well, he doesn't seem to having too much luck. He's visited just about every house within a five mile radius and no one needs anything painted. Finally, he chances upon the door of a rather rich citizen who, upon listening to the boy's suggested employment, decides that it wouldn't set him back too much to have this guy paint something around his house.
So he says, "sure, you can paint the porch out front." The wealthy man gets some paint and a paintbrush for the kid and goes back inside to finish reading "The New Yorker."
The man's wife - perhaps giving a bit too much credibility to all those blonde jokes - questions her husband as to whether employing a teenager with "that hair color" is such a good idea. The man brushes aside her concerns, asserting his view that the boy will undoubtedly do a smashing job.
A few minutes later, the boy rings the doorbell and announces that he is done.
"I finished!" he exclaims enthusiastically. "But I just thought I'd tell you: It's a Lexus, not a Porsche."
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If you thought that was awful ...try this
A man was sitting at a bar when another man walks in, walks up the wall, across the ceiling and down the wall next to the bar. Says to the barman "Usual please". The barman mixes him a drink and pours it into a glass and hands it to him. He downs his drink, pays for it, says "thanks" and leaves by walking up the wall, across the ceiling and down the wall by the door and out. The man sitting at the bar says to the barman "What a strange young man" "Yes" replies the barman, "He always likes them mixed that way";-D
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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to tell this joke...
A doorman at the Pfister Hotel in Milwaukee walked into the hotel to assist a guest when he heard a scream, a loud tearing, and a crash....
He turned around to see a very pretty, albeit fairly damaged blonde woman layin on top of a crunched limousine roof, having obviously fallen from the sky somewhere, crashing through the fabric canopy and on to the limousine.
Seeing she was still able to talk, the doorman asked the blonde beauty why she had jumped from the building, and was she trying to commit suicide.
The blonde, looking somewhat puzzled still said "Why no. I didn't want to wait for the elevator, so I jumped off my balcony. After all, the box said my pad has wings!!"
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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A lady walks into a bar and staggers up to the bartender.
"Beer tender.. hey Beer tender... give me a Martooni !!"
"Yes Maam" replies the bartender.
A few minutes later:
"Beer tender... another Martooni !!!!! Now !!!!"
"Yes Maam!" replies the bartender... a little impatiently.
"Beer tender.... hey Beer tender... gimme another Martooni... Right away !!"
"Okay lady, but that is enough !!" the bartender replies with as much restraint as possible.
About 10 minutes later:
"Beer tender !! I need some antacid over here !!! Hurry !! This heartburn hurts like hell !!" says the inebriated lady.
The Bartender replies frustrated but restrained once again "Look lady.. I am not a Beer tender, I am a bartender. Second, it isn't a Martooni, it is a Martini.. and third, you don't have antacid, your tit's laying in the ash tray !!"
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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I was driving down the Kennedy Expressway last week in Chicago, when a speeding limousine pulls across two lanes of traffic and slams on it's brakes.
Not understanding what the hell just happened.. I see four police squad cars pull up to the limo, officers converge on the car, and one officer, specifically walks up to an open window to talk to the person inside.
Now I was only 6 cars back from the limo and commotion, so when the officer finished talking with whoever was in the car, he began to walk back toward our cars in the front and explain what was happening. We were in groups, and our group was the third one the police officer approached. I asked the officer what was up and who was in the car? He replied, "It is Hillary Clinton in the limousine. She has basically finally gone off the deep end. She found out Bill is cheating on her again. They are still several million dollars in debt with no way out. Chelsea is pregnant and not married, and she is threatening to douse herself with gasoline and light herself on fire. So now, we are helping her out with donations."
"How much do you have so far?" I asked.
The officer replied "About five gallons so far, but a lot more people have begun siphoning !"
**** I told you it was a political joke !!!!********
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day spent sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant noted for its haute cuisine. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and on ly special delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"
(\\__/) And if you don't believe The sun will rise
(='.'=) Stand alone and greet The coming night
(")_(") In the last remaining light. (C. Cornell)
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I am about to unleash upon you some of the worst jokes available. Those of you who have had a recent heart operation, are frequent victims of dizy spells, or are pregnant or nursing (ha!) may not want to ride this post. With that said . . . .
What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir!
Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot?
He flew 57 missions!
What is a myth?
A female moth!
If anyone knows any jokes that are worse than those then please . . . . . Do NOT post them! ;-D )
viðrar vel til loftárása
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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hey Mac was that last post autobiographical....just kidding....rob;-D
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Taking a cue from further down in this thread, that captain must have been blond (which, believe it or not, I used to be, once upon a time).
One of your "best", smith! Thanks!
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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Speaking of sailors (obviously, profanity alert!):
There was this priest who owned a most remarkable parrot. All this bird needed was to hear something once, and he immediately picked it up and started repeating it.
One day, the priest received a call from his bishop, telling him he had been chosen to leave the very next day to go on a special mission that would take him away from his parish for quite some time. Desperate to find somebody to take care of his parrot, he asked this particular young man who was one of his parishioners. The young man said he would be more than happy to take care of the parrot. It was only then that the priest remembered this young man was in the Navy; and mindful of how easily the parrot learned anything, he cautioned the sailor as to his language. The sailor said not to worry, he'd be careful. Reassured, the priest left.
Next day, the sailor received orders to return to his ship, as all shore leave had been cancelled. Now the sailor faced the dilemma of what to do about the parrot. As he tried to smuggle it onboard, his captain caught him; but when he explained that it was his priest's parrot, the captain pretended not to notice. After the ship embarked, the sailor was in the mess hall, eating his dinner and feeding the parrot from his own plate. Another sailor came back from the chow line, threw his tray on the table next to the parrot cage and said, "I ain't gonna eat this shit!" Just then, there was a tremendous crash and roar, sending tables, chairs, food and sailors all over the place; followed by the captain staggering in and screaming, "God damn it, we hit a fucking iceberg!" The captain declares every man for himself. The sailor picks up the parrot cage and finds his way up on deck, where he sees that all the lifeboats have already been taken. In desperation, he jumps overboard. As he's treading water, doing his best to keep the parrot cage above water, he looks up to see the captain still on deck, looking down at him. "How do I get back to shore now?" the sailor yells up to him. The captain yells back, "Just shove a finger up your ass and float!" Through some miracle, the sailor and the parrot make it back safely to shore.
The sailor is then given extended shore leave, and he goes home. As luck would have it, it was the same day the priest was due to return from his mission. The sailor took the parrot and went to the rectory to await the priest's return. When the priest came back, the sailor felt he'd spare him the harrowing story of the iceberg, and just went home. Later, the priest went to feed the parrot; but as he poured the bird seed into the feeder, the parrot said, "*Caw* I ain't gonna eat this shit! *Caw*". This so stunned the priest that he seized the cage and threw it at the wall. Dazed, the parrot said, "*Caw* God damn it, we hit a fucking iceberg! *Caw" Now totally astounded, the priest stares at the parrot and says, "Polly, how in the world do you expect me to get into heaven when I own a parrot that uses such profanity?" "*Caw* Just shove a finger up your ass and float! *Caw"
Sorry about that....
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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One classical music-related story comes to mind (it's one of those "if it isn't true it ought to be" type stories).
The conductor Leopold Stokowski one gave a concert in which he included some of his transcriptions for orchestra of music by Johann Sebastian Bach that was originally written for keyboard. After the concert, a lady came to Stokowski's dressing room to congratulate him and say how much she enjoyed the concert. She asked him if Bach were still composing. Stokowski looked her straight in the eye and said, "Madam, he has been decomposing for over two centuries!"
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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I don't care what anybody says, smith; your jokes just keep getting better and better (or does that just say something weird about my sense of humor?)!
Keep it up!
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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"Infinitely Gross Joles"
LOL..... Volume 18
It is soooooo lame.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Ai ya!
I heard that joke before.
I actualy liked it. 
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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Don't know any jokes, just wanna say hi to smith here!
Hiya! ;-D )
My threads almost out so I placed it here so you can easily read it.
Thanks for replying to my post. Nice to meetcha too. ^_^
Don't worry- I'll try to find a really good joke.
I'm pretty bad at telling jokes though.
The others might throw rocks at me! Heh-heh! ;-D ;-D ;-D
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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I mean, seeing as how I haven't received any poisonous spiders in the mail as a result of that one string of particularly bad one-liners up there, I'd say that just about anything's fair game. Heck, you could even tell violist jokes!
Speaking of which . .
How can you tell if a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving!
) ;-D ;-D )
Well, I thought it was funny.
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Being a "violist" sounds almost illegal...and Timmy's typing is rubbing off on you already, maybe? Hehe ::-)
But anyhow, here's one I just got sent...altho it's pretty American, sorry to our International friends... :-*
If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401-Keg program
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Heh-heh...
You guys've been warned... ;-D ;-D ;-D
But hey! You don't happen to have tomatoes there, do you.. uh... guys? ;-D ;-D ;-D
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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OK, it's a late autumn and the weather is starting to get cold. 2 fleas, Ben and Scotty, meet for the last time before heading south for the winter. The discussion turns into travelling methods, and Scotty tells how he usually picks a motorcyclist and travels in his moustache.
"There's just one downside to this," Scotty complains, "I get nearly frozen to death everytime, due to the cold air and speed."
"You should do what I do," Ben says, "Pick a nice flight attendant, climb up their leg and travel in their bush. Just be sure to pick one headed in the righ direction!"
Well, Scotty decides to try Ben's method, and some time later Ben and Scotty meet in the warmth of south.
"You know, your method didn't work so well" Scotty starts. "I found a nice flight attendant, climbed up their leg, nestled myself in and fell asleep. And you know where I woke up some hours later? IN A BLOODY MOUSTACHE, ON A FREEWAY, FREEZING TO DEATH!!!"
Setras
That which is dreamed can never be lost, can never be undreamed.
-Master Li in Neil Gaiman's Sandman
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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No Message Body
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I was in my photography class today and we were critiquing each other's work. So, at the end of one such discussion my teacher asked "any additional comments?" I replied with "four plus three equals seven." NO ONE GOT IT!
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smithJoke ~ Any good jokes out there? 
OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was hilarious !!!!!!!! 
Thanks E.J.
Re: Here's one for all the blondes out there 
Re: smithJoke ~ Any good jokes out there? 
No rocks huh? 
