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*sigh*
At the moment I'm reading a book, a collection of coming out stories, gathered from people who came out and their parents. It's weird, I've read it for a bit over hour and a half, and I'm on page 44. Usually I goble the books I read, but this one I just can't read fast, not that I'd really want to. But I keep going off on tangents triggered by something in the book. Anyways, I'm digressing.
Reading the book makes me want to tell my mom and my friends. As some of you might remember, I've already told my dad, about a month ago, and he was awesome about it.  Like I mentioned then, I'm much more worried about my mom, and telling her. It's not that I expect her to take it badly, it's that I simply don't have any idea as to how she'll take it. And to be honest, I'm afraid that even if she takes it well in the end, the first (or one of the first few) things she lets out of her mouth will be something that hurts, a lot. And just to give you an idea of what I mean; on the last day of 1999 a friend of a friend killed herself. I didn't know her that well, but well enough that while she wasn't a really good friend, she was a... pal. Sort of like a friend to be, I think. Anyway, I heard what she had done a few days later, and I told my mom. She was playing solitaire on a computer right then. When I told her, she stopped playing long enough to say "It's so horrible these days" and then she just kept on playing. End of discussion right then. Later she talked more about it with me, but... It hurt. And I'm so afraid that she'll do something like that again.
Now, as to the real reason I'm posting this... I don't know when to tell her. I want to do it right now, call her and tell her. But I'm going to do it face to face, which means waiting until next weekend atleast, preferably until the weekend after that, since I have a math midterm next monday and I don't have time for a family drama next weekend. But I don't know. My mom works way too much, which means she's tired and atleast slightly cranky at the best of times. To top that off, she's having some (prolly stress related) trouble with sleeping, her teeth and she needs a new pair of glasses, which makes money a bit tighter than usual. Nothing serious, but... one more thing for her to have on her mind. As a result, she's more tired and cranky now than usual, but it's not gonna get better anytime before christmas. And I don't want to wait that long. So, the question is, when do I tell her? Is it selfish on my part to tell her now and not wait for christmas holidays, or beginning of next year or something? Am I "asking for it" if I tell her now? And how do you tell something like this softly?
Setras
That which is dreamed can never be lost, can never be undreamed.
-Master Li in Neil Gaiman's Sandman
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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Mothers are pretty smart,good chance she already knows..Of course you could drop the bomb shell by asking to have your *boyfriend* over for dinner..rob
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13783
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We tell whom we need and do it when we need.
So the timing and method is the one you choose.
And you say you want to do it now, so do it now. The phone is fine, you know.
As for her previous reaction, maybe she has troile with expressing emotional things over death.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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By no means am I an "expert" in this area (I haven't even told myself) but I think that you could find a legitimate reason NOT to tell her for every single moment from here to the end of your life. I don't think any particular instant in time will be "ideal" so to speak.
Like I said, this is something to think about. I'm afraid I didn't give you too much advice. Sorry.
viðrar vel til loftárása
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No, the phone isn't fine. It just feels wrong. I've thought about writing a letter, and even leaving the book I'm reading for her, and dad offered to tell her, but... It all just feels wrong. I want/need to do it face to face, for some reason. So I'm going to do it face to face... In a way, I think I feel that I owe it to her, but I dunno...
And I know that I'm telling her for me, not for her, but... I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to make it any harder for her than it is. I just want to know that when I go home for the weekend, she's happy to see me, not who she thinks I am.
Setras
That which is dreamed can never be lost, can never be undreamed.
-Master Li in Neil Gaiman's Sandman
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First, DO NOT tell her by phone. This is way to important, remember you are telling her who you are. Whether she knows or no, who you are is important.
Second, no time will seem perfect. When you tell her she may not take it well at the beginning. Don't get caught up in her first reaction, give her time to deal with it herself. Many parents wish they could take back the words they said on that day. So tell her, then give her time to come to you. Tell her you love her first and that you don't want to hurt her. Tell her you want her to know who you are because you love her. Then wait.
I took my Mom to dinner at my favorite Korean restaurant. That seemed to be the best thing to do at the time.
Remember you have friends to lean on, myself included.
Be brave, be careful, an we will be behind you.
Love and acceptance to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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I agree with Timmy, telling her according to your sense of timing is important. Since it feels weighty on you right now, do it sooner rather than later.
I agree with your urge to do it in person, because that feels important to you, so go with your instincts, and trust your feelings about that.
As to her reactions and responses, perhaps talk to your Dad and tell her with Dad there with you to lend support and help with the discussion right after...he's had a month to think about it, and he is married to her, and should know her well and be able to help you with her.
And when you do tell her, try and be as positive as you can about it...make it good news you're sharing. Good news in that you are inviting her more into your real life and into your heart, and not keeping secrets from her, and that you trust her enough to make yourself vulnerable with her about it, risking pain to include her and maintain closeness and intimacy. That should be good news to any mother who loves her son!
Hope that helps! Let us know what you decide and how it goes...I'm thinking about you and rooting for you!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Wait until it feels right...
It took me a long time to come out, and it is never easy. Just wait until you're ready.:-/
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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Setras, I know no one has offered this piece of advice... but it is one a very good friend of mine gave me, and has served me well since i came out to myself...
Why do you have to come out to anyone at all??? I mean, as humans we are sexual beings, and that said, we will eventually pair up with another person (most likely, anyway...). I dont' ask straight people if they are straight, and I don't really go around thinking about their sex life.
However,it seems that straight society is overly concerned and interested in our sex lives... leaving out the very important part of us and that is that we are productive, caring, loving, human beings just like 'straight' people are.
So, I feel if it isn't any big deal for a straight person to be straight, then it shouldn't be any big deal for a gay person to be gay.
I hope that all makes sense. It does in my mind, but that is another entirely different story !!!!!
One note though... if you are uncomfortable telling her, then wait until she asks you and give her a very honest answer. At least if she leads the conversation, you will know for sure she is ready to hear some kind of answer...
Good Luck, Man !!!!!!!!!!!
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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Thanks for the ideas, everyone It really isn't a question of if I'm going to tell her, but when. Not this coming weekend, but the one after that, I think. And I really do want to tell her, since I feel that I'm lying to her, in a way. Just afraid that she'll say or do something that hurts me.
Bambam: I can see what you mean with the question "Why do I need to come out to anyone?". And as much as I'd like it, the world doesn't (yet) work like that. The reason I want to tell her is that I feel like I'm lying to her, that she doesn't know who I am. And I want her to love me for who I am, and not for who she thinks I am. And, to be honest, I want her to tell me that it's ok, that she's proud of me.
Machelli: I know I could easily come up with excuses for the rest of my (or atleast her) life. I don't think I'm doing it now, just trying to figure out when it'd be easiest to tell her. Then again, since it's me I'm talking about, I'm prolly not 100% objective.
Kevin: It's hard not to place too much weight on her first reaction. It's sort of a "Forgiven but never forgotten" thing. Even if it's just a knee jerk reaction, it hurts, and that's what I'm more afraid of than how she'll take it on the long run.
timmy, David, jaman: Thanks for your thoughts, and support It means a lot.
Setras
That which is dreamed can never be lost, can never be undreamed.
-Master Li in Neil Gaiman's Sandman
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I know how you feel....every time you walk through the door, it's like you leave yourself at the doorstep. You want her to know because you want to be accepted for who you are. You want to tell her because until you do, you won't be sure about your family and I know how important that is to you. You want to be happy about going to your club meetings and not feel like you're doing something wrong. I know.
She may have a knee jerk reaction......give her time to think back and realize that she knew it all along and loved you all along.
There'll never be a perfect moment....just a quiet time.
{{{hugs}}}
smith [[[]]]
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