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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Hellow all, I just finished watching the British movie 'Beautiful Thing'. My wife was away and I thought that I would rent it. I was hoping that it would make me feel better about myself. Unfortunately, the opposite happened.
It caused me to cry (uncontrollably) evertime I saw them together. I am still crying actually, and I have not done so much sobbing for as many years as I can remember. The problem is that it caused me to think what I missed in my youth. The smith character reminded me so much of myself--totally, actually (exept that I did not grow up poor or in a single household).
I was very confused and did not want to believe that I was gay. That caused me to be left out of so much. Now I am married (for 5 1/2 yrs) and with great sadness can say that I have never kissed or touched a man. What have I missed? I don't know, and this causes me to have serious doubts about whether it is the right thing to stay married. Will I become a miserable old sap over this? Anyway, this is my conundrum.
I think I need a more up-beat movie to cheer me up.
Bye
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Can't relate to your thoughts about your marriage, I'm sorry. Never been married and I've never had a relationship even with anybody.
But you have my sympathy, I've cried a little myself this night, I had something to worry about and it was all stupid as it turned out but I still told that person how I felt and I don't know how he'll take it but such is life.
So here is a small pat of understanding on the shoulder from me.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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I went to the theatre about 18 months ago, then bought the screenplay and the movie of Beautiful Thing. The play itself was poorly done, and made me cry, sitting in the audience. The screenplay was banal and made me cry. The movie was well done, and in its surreal way describes life on just such a housing estate in perfect detail.
For me this item was the middle of a catharsis that has allowed me to let go of the boy I was obsessed with. It took more than that, though. Much more.
In part it was being at places such as this. "The Shack" in the "old days" was one such place, and there were others, now gone. In part it was writing out my heart's desires as stories (though I feel that many have little merit, and they are written for me, and for no-one else. And I am NOT fishing for compliments here, it is not the merit that matters but the writing). In part it was watching "Get Real" as well. Less surreal, just as moving. In part reading Then & Now by William Corlett, for it describes such a non relationship as I dreamed I had with John. So many parts.
My own experience tells me that you will face many episodes of crying hot tears, of feeling total despair and of wondering about everything in your life.
I was diagnosed about 9 months ago "against my will" with clinical depression. While I dod not accept the diagnosis, I accepted the TALKING part of the alleged cure. I opted out of a medical regime after SSRI anti depressants removed any ability to achieve orgasm, and opted IN to a counselling regime. While undertaking counselling, and on my terms, not on anyone else's, and by making use of the counsellor as "hired help" who would listen to me without judging or becoming involved I have been able to realise that what I felt as a deep and abiding unhappiness was most probably a form of depression.
I refuse to accept the diagnosis of depression for major reasons of my own and reasons deep in my childhood, but I will accept that I have been deeply and totally unhappy since I was 13 years and six weeks old. Only now have I been able to recognise this and start to deal with it.
Part of it is being gay. Not that it is a thing per se that makes me happy or unhappy, but that it affects my life and relationships with others, not just my wife.
Part of it is how the unhappiness has made me unable to be satisfied, "ever", with anything in my life.
Part of it is how my attitude to other people has made me incapable of keeping a job. I am aggressive with others, which I have been able to see is because I have been a disappointed man.
Part of it I do not yet recognise.
So why do I put this all here, after you put your post about Beautiful Thing? Because I recognise what could be a turning point for you, since it was a turning point for me. At around the time I saw it I was ready to HEAR what was going on in my life. This isn't just an answer for you, it is also an answer for Lenny's answer to your post.
Something happens when we allow our emotions to escape. By no means all of it is good, but MOST is. Except the good and the bad parts are two sides of a pancake. Eat the pancake and you have to have both sides.
This whole gay thing, especailly when you are gay and married or in a different gender partnership, sucks bigtime. It sicks worst because the feeling of lack of satisfaction is a terrible physical pull, a need, a void. And there is a feeling that it must be filled at all costs. But WE get to choose whether we fill it or not. If in such a partnership, with the active help of our partners, this pull can be minimised.
You know, some people will not agree, but guys who have admitted to themselves that they are gay and have never treid for a "normal" life with a family and the rest are so lucky. They have no-one who will feel let down by the difference inside their heads.
This isn't a "poor me" scream. I am not at the end of the road of self understanding by any means. But I can see the fields onthe other side over the hedges. When I started the hedges were ten metre high brick walls. THAT is the difference.
I don't know what message there is inside this ramble for anyone else, but take from it what you can. Reject the rest with total pleasure.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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you've helped a lot of others to understand themselves better and find their way in the process, so I hope there is some satisfaction in that!
Oh, there are anti-depressants without "sexual side effects" - let me know if that's relevant and you want more info.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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I found that helping others is a true self help thing. If my struggle with myslef helps ONE other person, then it has been doubly worthwhile.
The non sexual side effect anti-deps may help someone else, so tell us about them. My distaste is personal, but I recignise that shrt termtherapeutic use can break a downwards spiral. Also that some depression is caused by a chemcial imbalance that needs a chemical correction.
But can you imagine being treated on the one hand for impotence and then being given a different emasculating drug?
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Thanks for the nice words Tim and Lenny. They helped a lot.
I am feeling much better now. In fact, I feel really good now. Last night was pretty rough and I could not sleep. Thus, I woke up pretty down on myself. However, I used my own anti-depressent to get out of it. I just came back from an hour long walk with my dog in the forest. We have a fairly fresh blanketing of snow as well. In addition, I took the morning off of work and watched the blues brothers. That movie is enough to get anyone out of a bad mood. Finally, I read your response and that help very much too.
Basically, I came to the following conclusion. I can't change the past, no one can. Nor can I create this perfect picture that is created by many stories. What I can do is improve my life, or 'add some blueberries to your perverbial pancake'. Thus, I need to drag my wife out and we need to live little. We live next to a big city that has no shortage of things going on on the weekends. We are new to the area and don't have that many friends. However, those come with time. Until then, we need to have some FUN.
What does this have to do with being gay? Lots, because the more complete your life is, the better you are able to deal with parts that are not perfect. As you or someone else said recently, being gay is only a small part of your life.
I agree with your comment about 'being out and living a gay lifestyle is much easier'. There are a few that have suffered intense discrimination, but for most I would imagine that discrimination is limited to certain short periods of their lives. For us, the pressure is constant, and it will never go away.
I don't think my problem is so much a general (life-long) unhappiness like yours. However, I will say that being gay has caused me to build up think crust around my emotions, and you can't just remove this overnight. This has caused considerable unhappiness. I think that if I had had someone (gay) to talk to when I was younger, it would have helped me considerably. Would I have been able to open up in my teen years? I don't know. However, I can see your satisfaction in helping others and writing these stories. Those stories are what give young people the strength and courage to select a life that is much easier than ours. They may never find true love like in the story, but at least they will try hard to get it! Maybe even take some of the chances that we so much resent not having taken ourselves.
Many *HUGS" to all
Darren
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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well, according to my wife, who did have that "sexual side effect" problem with a previous anti-depressant. But, she's great on these two (ooo baby!)
Yes, hers is chemical (before I came out to her, in case you're wondering) - several medical problems, and yes, she's had to take meds that counteract each other in some way or another. Gets messy when you have 12 or so Rx's - I lost count!
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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sucked to be honest.
I recorded it and I taped it over with Queer as folks and then I taped it over with Ally mcBeal when Josh Goran sings and finally taped that over with Dawson's creek and can you believe Jack DUMPED TOBEY! If anyone watches Dawsons's creek in America please mail me and tell em all about it! In Sweden Dawson's dad just died - who cares! hahaha That's where we are. And bring Nathan back:) All the cute guys in Dawson's are gay. hehehe
Except Nathan's b/f Brad, he wasn't cute.
Beautiful thing had a good plot ( in a way) but not ONE of the guys were cute and that really got to me cause I think you stop carring if they get each other or not. I do which is not good cause that's not the point but u do don't you?????????????????
Well I DO! I'm not like that in my personal life but when I watch a movie I reason like that:)
I don't know all I know is that ( Death in Venice) would have been A LLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT BETTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
If *I* would have directed it and so would prolly this movie.
BTW: What happened? They moved - that boy with his mum so they broke up or something????
Josie
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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because anti-deps are used in the treatment or premature ejaculation, especially SSRIs
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...Young Americans.
That show is truly great stuff. Can't stand Dawson's Creek or any of those others you mentioned.
I've watched a few ep:s of Y.A. at the gym, and it's just...MMM...YUM! 
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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I agree, the movie left you hanging a bit. But every story has to end somewhere. The problem is we probably don't want them to end--just go on for our enjoyment. Regardless, I like the way the ended it. I would not have been as nice a movie if they had gone farther.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I work just fine when she's taking them too! Oh, sorry, that's not what you meant? I don't know. Nothing relevant is listed for Serzone (generic: nefazodone.) For Trazodone, the following is under Possible Side Effects: "Check with your doctor as soon as possible if you experience . . . prolonged, inappropriate, or painful erection in males."
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Beautiful Thing 
awwww 
Orgasms fine with Trazodone & Serzone both 
