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Hey guys
I guess it is about time I introduced myself. I kind of feel like a peeping tom sitting here reading all of your post and not saying anything. But to tell you the truth reading them is what is giving me the courage to actually talk about myself. Believe it or not you guys are the first ones that I have ever let take a peek into my closet.
Anyway my name is Tony I am forty-five years old. I am married to a wonderful woman who I knows loves me and I truly love her. The only problem is that I am not sexually attracted to her. Never have been. Sounds awful I know. I feel guilty as hell about it. We do have sex, not as often as she would like but enough to keep her happy. I do not think she suspects that I am really a gay man living a lie. She just thinks I have a low sex drive.
I have been living this lie all my life. I knew when I was about ten or twelve that I was different. For those of us who grew up in the sixties and seventies being openly gay was not an option. If you wanted to live in peace anyway.
I found out early in life that I had better keep this secret to myself. When you first realize that you are attracted to boys and not girls you just can’t help yourself, you just have to look, especially when you are attracted to certain people. Well sometimes you just look a little too long and people take notice. I found out the hard way about this. The boys I was looking at noticed and from there on my life in middle school was hell. I am a smaller person stand only five foot seven now. I was not very good at defending myself and paid for it.
I grew up in a home with my mother and sisters. I made the mistake of trying to talk to my mother about this (in very vague terms) but she kind of saw through it and said “your not trying to tell me your are some kind of a sissy are you” told me right there to keep this to myself, I did not want her to hate me too!
Well high school was a little better because I had learned how to hid my feelings. Still never really dated just kept to myself. Just trying to get by. I never really had any friend’s just people I knew, not that people didn’t try but I could not let anyone get to close or they might find out my secret.
Well I made it through school thought I was home free. Thought I could finally be me. I got a job saved some money and decided to move to some place where no one knew me, someplace where I could be me. I packed up and moved to south Florida. I found a job started going out to clubs and trying to meet people who were like myself. I guess I neglected to say that I am also painfully shy and do not meet people easily but I was going to change that.
I found the area of Ft. Lauderdale to be a place that was easy to hide in. Had a few gay bars where you could go and not get your ass kicked for being there. Homophobia was not as rampaged as it was up north. I was sort of happy for the first time in my life. Not happy about being gay but if I was gay, I was going to try like hell to find someone I could be happy with.
Of course you all know what happened next. Well those of you who were around then know. Yup AIDS. Once this hit the news that it was affecting gay men and that it was deadly with no cure in site and that it was a contagious disease, homophobia spread like wild fire. Back in the closet for me and I have been there ever since. Here I am twenty some years later with a wife and three kids I know I will never be able to come out. Not without hurting too many other peoples lives. So I open the door every once in a while and peek out and wonder what life could have been. I found this site by accident while searching for stories about how people came out. What it was like for them and what problems they had. If I can’t live it for myself at least I can live it through them.
It feels good to get this off my chest even if it is to a bunch of people I have never met and probably never will. One good thing I can think of that has come out of all of this. I have three wonderful sons now and when they would come home from school and tell me about a boy that they suspected of being gay and what the other kids would do to them. I was able to teach my sons that it did not matter what the person sexual orientation was. That he or she was still human and still needed friends. Probably more so now then ever and encouraged them to be that friend. They have never let me down.
I guess I have run on long enough but thanks for listening.
Tony
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Hiya Tony! You'll find a nice mix of young and older here, as well as US and International, as well as married and in the closet as well as nearly everything else in-between you might imagine!
So welcome, and stay a while! Glad you're here.
Oh, and ask questions, that's always cool. Everybody will prolly chime in, which makes it interesting. ::-)
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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hi tony, and welcome.  don't ever worry about going on too much or too long, okay? i'm really happy you shared your story.
unfortunately i can't give any advice on this kind of situation, but you certainly have my ears and eyes, as well as many many others -- even some who are in, or have been in the same situation you are.
i look forward to reading more from you!
heathyr
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13783
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Did you feel alone, too? Gay amd married?
Meeting others is cathartic. I was amazed when I found how many of us there are.
Like you I taught my son to be accepting of others. His best mate at school was gay, AND fancied him. And it was no big deal. They are mates always.
Welcome aboard. I've said so often that the messtgae here are for those who lurk. One who reads is no less valuable than one who posts.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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You can be a peeping tom as much as you like of course, that's okay. Still, I'm glad you chose not to, because it is always nice meeting new people.
Despite not having lived exactly the life you might have wanted to, don't you agree it's an amazing opportunity to raise kids and teach them not to be bigoted and hateful? That's perhaps the best thing there is, to set new GOOD people into this world.
Thank you for sharing, and for telling us about yourself.
Take care now, and feel free to talk to us as much or as little as you like.
Sincerely:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Hi Tony. Just wanted to welcome to the board, and there are more of you here than you think. Several who come to this board, and sometimes post, are of the married persuasion with kids, and wondering what if. All our stories are a little different, but a lot alike, so feel free to talk here or through email.
Hugs, Charlie
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Hey Tony,
Thanks for sharing your story. I do empathize with you... my story is almost identical to yours... with some different twists....
Please email me if you would like to talk. Wranglin1@aol.com. I know exactly how you feel, and have dealt with the feelings and frustrations.
Life is good no matter which way you look at it.... write me and i will be glad to talk !!!!!!!
Huge (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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Nice to see you here. Sounds like you have a great family.
May love and happiness find you and yours,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Well, the title of Timmy's MB does say it all, doesn't it?
Like you, I'm just new to this place- and boy, are the people here great!  ) So don't even THINK about hesitating on posting anything you like- well, so long as you follow Timmy's rules. ^_^
Just like what girl misplaced said- it doesn't matter how long or how short you post. Welcome! (Wow- my first welcome message to someone! Heh-heh!) ) Nice to have you here Tony!
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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Hi Tony... Welcome! 
Hi-ya Tony! 
