|
|
|
|
Yes, this is another of THOSE threads.  I tend to create a new one when the old has grown too large and unwieldy. Hope nobody minds... I'll start off mostly with trivialities. There might be more serious stuff added later, we'll see if I feel I need it or not.
I've mentioned before how much I appreciate Tim's stories. I've only read a little Chris and Nigel, but I have checked out most, if not all, of the short stories, and the "Nice Try" series too.
The "Nice Try":s is the ones I like the most so far. They're wonderful, just wonderful! I really loved the first two parts, it just connected with me on a very deep level, seeing the events out of two different perspectives. The third part was also very nice, but I liked the first two the best. They were bloody marvellous. Liked the characters, liked the setting, and the storyline itself was very sweet and beautiful. I'm so glad I read it, it's a make-people-happy kind of story. It sure made me happy while reading...
I picked out my "Pitch Black" T-shirt as change today (it's a promotional thing for the movie with the same name, complete with a Burger King logo on the back. Won it at the premiere, quite a stroke of luck). It's my smallest shirt, and it has always made me feel kind of like a stuffed sausage when I wear it.
Now it fits quite nicely. Whoo-hoo.
But I will regret going to the gym. I've definitely overloaded my right knee, maybe both of them even. I'm going to rest tomorrow, and then try the running-cycling-machine thingies Tim tipped me about. I've cast them glances but never actually tried them. Maybe that will work better. Today was really difficult by the way. I was all the way up to 178bpm and it really FELT inside my chest! But relaxation afterwards was great too.
On the way home, I saw a blonde kid on the bus that I've never seen before. He sat facing me a few rows up, and he was just the type to set off some of the members of this board. Not awesomely pretty, he had good looks, sure. But what catches your eye is that he had a special kind of charm about him. Slim, you could see it on his face even though he was dressed in thick winter clothes. Chin and lower jaw, straight lines, distinct forms. No prominent cheekbones to speak of, they were there but not making much noise of themselves, just adding to the overall aura of cute charm. Hair was straw blonde and kinda wet and ruffled. The tips curled just a bit, but not the hairs themselves, as they stuck together from the dampness in bunches. More cuteness there in that hair. Blue eyes of course, small mouth with an impish grin to it, showing off fine lines in his face when he smiled...
He was talking to his father I think, so I had to look at his reflection in the window for much of the trip. Grownup man's head was right between us unfortunately. It was dark outside and the bus brightly lit, so it was easy to study him. I had to tell a young woman not to lean her head against the window (because she just about blocked my view completely). I used the excuse that the glass was grimy (and actually, it was).
Okey-dokey... Dinner's ready in the oven now, time to go...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
marc
|
 |
Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
|
|
|
No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This has been a very strange last couple days for me.
Do you know the feeling when you suddenly learn some of the most intimate details of a person, things we'd normally NEVER share with anyone?
I had such a moment not too long ago, and I don't know about you, but I personally feel very protective right now. I have, ever since.
I feel like I've truly been given something special, I really can't describe it any other way than that.
In our last conversation of the day, I was wished sweet dreams. I got them, and that too feels like a gift from him. Oh I know, it sounds sentimental, but it's true.
My Spiritual Brother, even though you may be far away from me, you are always close in my mind. May not only your dreams be sweet and happy, but also your life. That is what I wish for you. Thank you for letting me be your Brother. All my love to you, friend...
-Lenny
Sleep has been fitful these last few days, but I dreamed sweetly tonight. David made a post earlier about one of my previous dream descriptions, and spoke about different aspects of me playing out against each other. I wonder if there isn't some seeds of truth in that, at least in this dream. I can interpret it myself in that way, in some respects. I won't say for certain that is the case (don't wanna make Jung get too big-headed with pride, hehe. Well, he's dead so he doesn't care I think. ). I'll let you decide for yourself instead.
Here it is:
I was a young, barely a teenager. I felt attractive, I knew I was pretty and physically fit. I was confident, self-assured. All those things I am not in real life. It felt awesome. I was naked and in bed with an older lover, a man. We were just lying together, touching. His thigh was placed over my erection, which was about the size of my own organ, furthering the image that I was indeed me in this dream.
I was in my adoptive parents' bedroom (maybe in their old house, maybe in their new, I'm not sure), in my "father's" bed. He was gone to New Zeeland in the dream just like in real life, and my "mother" was lonely and in the opposite bed, most of the time standing up on top of it (but not sinking down in it I think), dressed in a huge not quite black but still dark cape like some Dracula/Phantom of the Opera figure. Very weird.
I wasn't bothered about her being near me with my lover, seeing us together, not at all. I kept saying things that normally would make my "mother" explode in a rage and it upset my lover. He was worried about angering her, but not I.
I was feeling strong and virile, intensely sexual. Young and horny. I enjoyed myself with my lover, even though we weren't involved in some complicated act.
I can't quite remember if my "mother" said anything or not, or if she did anything in particular, it's more as if she just was an ominous figure, a symbol somehow. She might have been involved, I just don't remember.
I was playing with an elaborate Lego Technics car while in bed, and when I said something really nasty. My lover broke the car and pushed me out of the bed, badly frightened this time. I got the impression I was wanted to leave. I wasn't afraid at all, just annoyed about my lover's cowardly behaviour towards my "mother", and about him wrecking my toy.
I can't remember exactly what I angrily shouted back to the both of them as I stood in the doorway to the bedroom (which was in the wrong wall, that is the stuff of dreams), but I told them I'd be leaving, and I pointed back at my lover saying, "and you're fucking lousy in bed!" in an accusing voice. It felt good telling them this, I wasn't afraid or anything.
I woke up, and was feeling satisfied with myself. I remembered how perfect I'd been in the dream, and felt happy and horny still, and it was a good feeling.
I had a sweet dream.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I can't force anyone to reply to my posts of course and I wouldn't even want to try, but I would like a bit of dialogue every once in a while even though I might say I don't expect it, or at times even might say the opposite (that's just who I am)... I am a guy with black moods and in need of emotional support after all so a certain amount of irrationality is only to be expected from my direction I think.
Thank you for understanding.
I won't bother to say anything important now since nobody seems to be listening ANYWAY... 
Went to the gym after chatting a little with my Spiritual Brother even though I didn't feel like it at the time. It was a bit of an invisible barrier surrounding me this morning, a shadow of what I used to feel before I started exercising. But I broke through it and when I weighed in as usual I got a nice surprise, 90.5 kilos. Lost another thousand grams, yay!
I then tried the rotex machines Tim tipped me off on. It was a superb experience, my knee felt much better, only a very slight pain during first 30 mins or so and that might be because I forgot to wear my knee warmers. Did 15 minutes constant heartrate set at 145, that wasn't enough. Life starts at 155+, hehe...
Did 20 mins at constant level 8, that sure set off the old ticker (almost reached 170bpm), but it felt good and it didn't wear me out. Finally, 20 mins at constant heartrate set to 155, and that was also good. Think I sweated more than I do on the bike, I lost more than half a kilo in water during my exercise (counting the half-litre I drank, so net loss was maybe .2-.3 kilos).
I watched MTV without sound at the gym with half an eye, The Cranberries has a new video full of young cuties painted gold, and that one got my full attention. Anyone else seen it? I wonder if the music's any good, I like some of their songs...
Relaxing in the sauna afterwards was fantastic. I really felt nice and supple, and I nearly popped a boner in there even though I was talking to a guy, I was feeling so good.
(Listening to "Bolero" by Ravel right now, just fyi.)
Okay, that's it for now...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
trevor
|
 |
Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
|
|
|
Of course we're "listening" - just can't hang out here all day and night, y'know! Why the thumbs-down? Sounds like you're doing pretty good and I'm glad for that.
Sometimes I just don't know what to say in reply, although I want to say something. "Hugs" and "I'll be thinking of you" is always true but seems a little repetitive after awhile. I want real smilies - not those fake icons! Anyway, too I'm not very depressed and sometimes can't relate very well, again, sorry for that.
Take care, bro.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I try to be deep and write about a really, really important event that just happened for me just two days ago or so, and although I don't deny Adam all the attention he got (he's got a major problem on his hand too), I really NEED someone to help me figure out what I'm feeling, and process it all.
But half the day passed and nobody said anything, and it just gets to me. I'm sure I'm not being ignored on purpose (I'm not THAT paranoid), but being who I am I just feel this way all the same. I don't want to sound selfish, but need some attention to feel good.
I try to be of help here, I just wish someone would talk to me spontaneously either here or email for no reason at all, or maybe for a reason. And not just in response to what I write either...
Ya know what I'm saying? I don't have many real-life friends to turn to, and ZERO to discuss my emotional issues. This place here is just about all I got. A little "hello, how are you" or whatever isn't too much to ask for is it?
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
dan
|
 |
Likes it here |
Location: Bath
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 107
|
|
|
No, and I apologise for not going round the social circuit. I seem to be mainly fixated on my posts. As they are my problems, but gonna try to chat with others now. I just seem to have my paranoias with Pip. But that;s my problem, hehhe.
Anyway hope all's funky, and your workout routine sounds good, I am so envious. I never ever ever do any exercise, and I should..!!!
Have a good night.
DAn.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
tim
|
|
Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
|
|
|
Oh Lenny, if only you knew what goes on inside us when we see someone in pain
Part of the challenge with a fast answer is the need to think. The good thing is that when we think, then you get advice that is worthwhile. As long as you challenge it
I was stuck with a lack of PC, so no easy answers from me to your post. Actually no easy answers ever. Just the truth as I see it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Darren
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
|
|
|
There is an expression along the lines of "if you don't complain, you will never get what you want in life". I guess you have proven this to be true. Congratulations for taking the strength to come out and say something.
I have a question about your posting, and maybe I am dense or something, but who is "My Spiritual Brother"? I have not been here very long, so maybe I am missing something.
Otherwise, my take on dreams is that they are Hallucinations of the mind while we are sleeping. I have never made anything of any of my dreams. I am sure that there are therapists and psycho-analysists out there that would dis-agree with me ... totally. Given that they are trained in the subject maybe they are right. Regardless, we all have totally strange dreams, but that does not make us axe murderes. You could try and make something why your mom was there, but again it was a dream. It was a pretty hot dream though, and you should embrace the fact that it made you horny. It would have put me over the edge.
bye .... Darren
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
That is why a lot of times I throw flippant remarks and jokes. I am trying to learn mywelf why we have a lot of these feelings and urges that cause us so much trouble. With you I am a little afraid to be quick and flip, so I don't say anything. I apologize.
And the exercise is helping you tremendously. Please keep doing it.
Hugs, Charlie
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
No, you are not dense at all.
My Spiritual Brother is a person whom I met through a set of curious and unusual circumstances that are simply too curious and unusual to ignore. He first contacted me via email in response to the stories I had written and we talked a little.
He then read a post of mine here on the board, and the follow-up thread, and felt a connection to that person (not realizing at first that I was the same person that he'd already emailed since I use a pen name when writing).
When he did, we talked more, and noticed more similarities between us (mostly little things, but it felt important all the same), and he sent me his life's story. A long text full of extremely frank and intimate details about himself, and I was so moved by it I almost couldn't sleep at all for the following night. I've had a bit of trouble sleeping ever since. Not because of bad feelings, but because of Strange feelings. We've emailed and chatted more since then, and I think we are on our way to become good friends. We share a lot, while being different at the same time. Thus, Spiritual Brother. (Not twin, hehe.)
About my dream... Well, the only reason I wrote about that particular one was because it was such a satisfying one. And I don't mean sexually. While it sure was a partly erotic dream, that didn't feel like the main focus. I had things in that dream that I've never felt in real life. Confidence, self-assurance... Things like that. I was UTTERLY secure in myself, absolutely no doubts at all. NEVER felt it like that before, and it was soo fucking good. I just told about the rest of the dream because it too was part of the story. The most important bit really was how I felt about myself I think. That I stood up for myself at the end, didn't yield for anything or anyone, wasn't afraid.
Thank you so much for asking your questions, Darren... I've been waiting for someone to do it for a day now.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Darren
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
|
|
|
No Prob.
I am glad to know who your spiritual brother really is. You see, I saw 'Beautiful Mind' last weekend. It was a wonderful film and really moved me. However, it caused me to wonder if your spiritual friend was ... well ... you know; something that we could not see.
My question for you is: Are your feelings for your spiritual brother as a brother or possibly more?
PS About your dream. I did not start feeling confident about myself until my mid-20's, and even then, I am still shy around other people. The first step, is being confortable about who and what you are (in all manners of life).
bye
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Answering your question: truthfully, I don't know.
You see, he's American, I'm European. We've never met, but he sent me his life in an email, he sent me his picture. He and I chatted. There were a lot of similarities on different levels. We're not even a year and a half apart in age for example.
I just might have become a bit attached to him (being enormously love-starved as I am), but after all, he is an American and I am European. And he has recently started dating a guy, and the two of them seems to be hitting off. And I feel happy for them, I really do.
I don't think it's anything serious (and it never could be either). I think I'm content (almost wrote "contempt", lol) having him as a spiritual brother instead, a person I can tell anything and everything to. Not worry about having to hold back anything because I might scare him; he shares much the same situation and feelings as I do so he has told me his deep stuff and I do the same.
I was awfully upset for more than a day that I'd done something to wreck it between us, but it was just a misunderstanding from my side, coupled with him being tired after his latest date with his BF (that lives quite far away from my spiritual brother, thus long exhausting car trip). I probably don't have to mention I feel vastly relieved right now. We chatted tonight and traded emails discussing more deep, inner feelings.
And to all those who said 'I'm sorry for not writing'; thanks.
But that's not what I wanted, nor asked for. I'm looking for DIALOG, dammit, not apologies!
Darren, you got the message. Thank you!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Darren
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
|
|
|
Getting attached to someone across the internet is dangerous as it can cause you to close your eyes for someone much closer to home. Thus, thinking of him as a spiritual brother is very good.
You said that you were love starved, well I guess we all are to some extent. However, it seams to me maybe it might be a good idea to change things about your life so that you put your self in contact with others in your area. I know that does not help much, but sometimes you need to find the love of your life, it does not always come to you. The only reason that I say this is because from the few weeks that I have been here, I can't remember you telling us about somebody you met .. I could be wrong too????
Cheers .... Darren
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hey, Darren... You're good at this I can tell. It's nice talking to you, you ask the right questions!
I don't think my attachement is very deep. It's probably just a reaction to us meeting and connecting so strongly emotionally. In a friendly manner I mean, not romantically. Anyway, I have told him this, but we haven't spoken about it yet (time difference of seven hours is a pain in the back side, makes conversations difficult).
As for lovestarved... Yes, I agree about your 'changing things' bit, that's why I'm getting fit. Took a brisk walk today for about an hour, maybe a little less, I hardly got even a little windy. Felt great. I am down to the last hole on my belt, and I can jump up and down without feeling my entire body getting all jiggly, lol. I hope this can enable me to find the confidence I need to seek somebody out. Yes I know it's not really likely my soul mate will come knocking at the door asking if I want to get married. I have to find that person myself.
But you're not wrong when saying I never mentioned seeing anyone. I don't. I hardly ever see ANYONE I know (because I know so few people), and I NEVER date.
But I hope I will be able to change that some day. Soon, I hope, but I don't know. I'll have to wait and see.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Darren
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
|
|
|
Asking questions is a skill that I learnt from my wife. If they are right or not is really just a matter of luck. I don't know if it is her personality or because she is German, she has this nack for getting total strangers to spill their beans. She does this by asking the right questions. I guess a little rubbed off on me.
You sound like a procrastinator, this is a skill that I have all but perfected. However, if you are not careful, days can turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, and that dreamperson (very PC huh) never shows up . I spent much of my early twenties either chasing this str8 guy or waiting for someone to come to me. In the end, no one did, and I finally got picked up by my wife at the age of 26 (I had known her for 8 yrs before). I am happy that we are together, but my biggest regret is not being more open about my sexuality (especially to myself). If I could do it all over again (a chance you never get), I would have been more openly gay. I might have lost some friends or even been discriminated against. However, I would have felt much better about myself, and I may have even gotten lucky. If others would have known I was gay, they might have made a pass instead of the women that I did not want.
Regardless, getting the strength to go out and meet people, join clubs, volunteer etc..., requires that you feel good about yourself. SOmething that you are trying to do by getting into shape.
I am new to this part of the country and don't have any real friends here (other than family). A few months ago, I was terrified to go out and do new things. The reason? I was so scared that somebody would detect my sexual orientation. Now, I can safely say, I don't care. If they ask, I say yes, if they don't I am not going to blurt it out. I know how easy it is to stay at home, but it is a very bad thing.
I don't know which european country you are from, but your english is very good. Excellent in fact. I spend much of my day communicating with others who english is not their first language and seldom do I come across english this good.
Darren
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
If this is because of your wife, then I guess I owe my thanks to her! However, you do have the knack too you know, I really enjoy talking to you.
Procrastination... Heh. Often I feel like I've wasted all my life away by sitting around doing nothing.
Turning twenty was difficult, because I felt like I hadn't done ANY of those things you're supposed to do as a teen. Date and fall in love, have lots of sex, figure out what you want to do with your life, get educated, etc. Oh, I went to school alright, but I didn't get much out of it, quite the opposite.
Turning thirty was even more difficult, because the decade after turning twenty felt even more empty still. I had accomplished even LESS in those years! Still no dating or love (or sex, lol), no higher education, no job, no friends, no nothing.
In retrospect, I wish I'd acted differently, but looking back I don't see how I could have done that, with the childhood I had. And as you yourself have noted, we don't get second chances. Well, I have some small hope of the existence of reincarnation, but I don't put much stock in it.
I think I have to make the best I can do with THIS life, even if it feels like I've wasted the most important part of it. Not sure I can accomplish that (if mental baggage registred at the flight check-in, I'd be about ten tonnes over the allowed limit, lol), but at least I AM trying now...
I'm not procrastrinating anymore even though I don't do anything except go to the gym once every two days. I have to take that as a good first step though.
I never feared much about being found out being gay when I was young (well, I'm bi, actually), I had too many other things to worry about. I don't think I'd be more open about it if I was to do it again. I don't think I'd need to, I seem to have a fairly good sub-conscious gaydar. I can't tell in my head, it's more as if I feel somehow if a person is receptive. Doesn't work so well with total strangers, but persons I know it's pretty accurate (never been rejected when coming on to a guy so far, but my last shot at it was a looong time ago now). Real problem is, I don't know very many these days, so I have zero use of this skill of mine.
That's annoying!
And I totally agree when you say that feeling good about self is a requirement for interacting in society. I'm not there yet, but I am trying, god-dammit! I'm gonna get myself a nice suntan too, heheh. I'm paler than a corpse, and being a bit overweight doesn't help... lol Well, my weight is going down, even if a bit slower now than before. First seven or so kilos went in a hurry. But I'm not worried, I'll get there eventually now that I know how to do it. Dunno if I can get down to sixpack thinness, but I hope so. That would give my ego a good boost.
Funny how easy it was to change. I never considered myself able to before, but when I started writing my first story I stopped eating completely for like four or five days, I lived on Japanese green tea and was so into the zone writing. And when I came back out into the world again, my stomach had shrunk, so I ate less. And then I suddenly noticed my pants had gotten a little bigger. And I thought, "what the hell?!?" And I simply continued on that road since then. It wasn't a conscious decision at all in fact, not to begin with at least. Starting to use my gym card WAS a real decision however, but that came a little later when I noticed I had lost weight.
Now I want to go every day, but that's a bad idea by those in the know... All I know is it's BORING those days I'm not there. I just love the endorphin kick I get from wearing myself out, it's fantastic. Never did like it much to get tired before, but I've found something that suits me great and at last I enjoy it. Yum!
By the way, I like it that you mix talking about me, and talking about yourself. It's really nice getting some insight into your life too, and it does help to know that other people have fears and anxieties of their own too. And it's good to hear you have become more comfortable with being gay, it must suck having to hide.
I'm not out to anyone, but I'm not hiding either. I kind of suspect my adoptive parents know I fancy guys (due to one particular incident some time in my first teen years, don't remember exactly when), but we've never discussed it. In the past (like early 20s or so), if I'd say I thought a girl was pretty (which I never did before), my adoptive mother would get really surprised and stuff. Dunno what they think now, if I was going through a so-called "phase" when I was young or something. I really don't give a flying f**k, hehe.
As for my other friends, I don't know. I don't see much of a reason to tell them. If I get a boyfriend, maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Not because I'm scared, but because I really don't see much of a reason. Most of those I know don't even live in the same city as me anymore, so why should I go around trumpeting it out?
As always, it's been a pleasure talking to you! And thanks for your compliments on my English... It's something I AM proud of, I don't have many things to say that about, but this is one of them. My ability to SPEAK it is a different matter, but writing has always been fairly easy for me.
Take care, Darren!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Darren
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
|
|
|
Sorry don't have that much time this morning, so I answer will be short. I dissagree with what you say about telling your friends. The reason is that it means that you cannot talk to them about things that form a big part of your life; such as writing stories, talking on this message board, etc... I know from what you said that you are over 30. You probably have not had a girlfriend in year. Do you think that your friends will be that suprised. When my gay friend came out about 5 years ago, we all said "Great! we are so happy for you". He had long shead off the homophobics, you don't need those as friends anyway. They might even fix you up. Obviously, if you are only interested in getting a girlfriend, it is not a good selling factor. But if you are open, who knows? They might even try and fix you up.
My situation is different. I would tell people and have no problems with it. Unfortunately, I am married and I could not do that to her. The thought of having people snicker behind her back "Such a pretty lady, did you know that her husband is gay? Poor girl ...". That is OK with me though. I am going to come out to my gay friend next week when I see him (he lives in a different city than I do).
My second language is German. The difference is my speaking is very good, but my writing sucks big time. A two year old would laugh at my many grammerical errors. It is a very complicated language anyway. My wife bought me a kids bood to read (Harry Potter). Wants to prepare me for living in another country. However, I have not read it yet. She keeps complaining about it, but I say I read for pleasure not for stress. Reading German is extremely stressful for me. Could be that I don't want to live in Germany either ... I don't know. Anyway, I got to go.
Talk to you later.
Darren
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
tim
|
|
Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
|
|
|
I have told several of th epeople I know that I am gay. Once I did this when we were invited to dinner with some long term friends. They were explaining the fun they have at the Muir Academy ( http://www.tawse.com) and I explained that it was not suitable for my tastes. My wife was there, of course.
"I'm gay, you see," I said. Now not one single person has said "Aww what a shame" or anything like that about my wife. Our son has asked why she is still with me, and why she married me in the first place, but was only concerned about the practical aspects and had genuine curiosity.
Back to the evelatoion at dinner. It caused surprise and bewilderment because "Tim must be teasing!" and of course I coould not be gay. The husband understood at once. The wife could not believe it, and I had to spend the evening convincing them that I am gay!
I have told my wife's sister and she is supportive of me and my wife. Her husband was a gibbering fool. Kept telling me about "nice gay men he knew", and made a prat of himself.
I told an old work colleague. He was impressed and surprised.
All have so far expressed contentment, not sorrow and not pity for my wife.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
trevor
|
|
Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
|
|
|
It's great to learn more about you, Lenny.
It sounds like you are doing everything "right" now - working on your body/self esteem, content with your sexuality, able to talk about yourself, writing, making changes, in touch with yourself and in touch with reality, enjoying exercise, and don't care what your adoptive parents think. With your English skills and your self-awareness, it's obvious you're no idiot, either. That's quite a list!
You said that you had no friends at 30, but you do have some friends now, and have working gaydar, at least with your friends. To me, that says you must be pretty good at making friends, or getting to know people at least, and "reading" them once you know them a bit. I wish I had those skills myself!
If you can let your friends know you are looking for someone special and not limiting your gender options, they may know someone in the same position. If nothing else, you could make some more friends to talk to - you seem to be good at talking, or at least writing.
Maybe you have baggage, but you seem to have the brains and skills to leave it behind you. Just realizing the obstacles in your life seems like a major part of the battle, and you appear to have won that one.
As always, take care. Also, thanks for sharing some peices of yourself with us.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
...Rather what you do with it! (And that holds true for other things than writing message board posts too! )
You always raise good, and/or interesting points.
Yes, not coming out to my few good friends means I won't be able to share certain things with them. But then again, I'm not sure I WANT to share those things with them either! It isn't as if I have to tell a friend all about me just because he/she is my friend...
And they might not be able to relate to certain aspects of me either. I simply feel, if there's no particular reason to, I shouldn't do it just because of the sake of doing it.
If I get a boyfriend, I'd probably do it if I planned to take boyfriend to meet my friends. I'd like to be able to show my feelings to boyfriend in front of friends; as I said, I don't hide. So far I've just not revealed either.
If friends turn out to be staunch unconvertible homophobes and not able to cope with me after revelation, I'd say fuck them. I've cut off ties with friends before, I can do it again even though it hurts and I hate doing so (as I said before, I don't have many friends left). But I don't think it'd come to that, the people I still have as friends are all good people as far as I know.
Good luck on your coming-out-to-friend adventure (which probably will be quite laid-back, considering friend is already openly gay, at least to you), and your German endeavours too.
I would not worry about wife; she seems able to take care of herself from what you've told us. But you should of course not take a step you don't feel ready for. I certainly don't!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Darren
|
|
Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
|
|
|
I agree that you may not want to tell your friend what you write about (or that you write). However, your sexuality is part of you, and your friends need to accept you for what you are. If they are close, then you should already know their feelings about gays, bi's etc... If you are not sure, then bring the subject up.
I spent much of the evening talking about it with my cousin and aunt. I did not tell them I was gay, but I know that my cousin is very open. She is somebody I would feel confortable telling. She also knows a few gay people. I am not looking to meet anyone, but if I were, then it would be a chance to maybe get fixed up? Bind dates suck, but are better than NO dates.
Regardless, you need to feel confortable telling these people. Thus, YOU NEED TO BE CONFORTABLE WHO YOU ARE IN ALL MANNERS. You talked previously about loosing weight, but there must be other factors of your life that make you unhappy. It might be good to list them.
I am very much looking forward to telling him. He came out at the age of 28. I was very jealous of him at the time. I think we will have a blast. I have been his friend since we were 10. I am interested in who he liked and I am sure the same for him.
PS What country are your from? Just for interest sakes.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
In a way I've always been myself, true to who I am, standing up for my own opinions, not bending, not curtsying, never kissing ass. To a large extent, that is in fact one of the root causes of my problems. I kept a too high a profile while lacking confidence. It made me a target.
Not that I'd really want it any different, I'd wanted the confidence needed to back up my high profile of course, I wouldn't have wanted living a life of servitude under others, keeping my mouth shut in order to avoid drawing attention to myself.
I've always taken a lot of crap at times for speaking up, but I have at least been true to myself. And now I sort of feel I'm more myself than ever in a way. At least I'm doing something I WANT to...
I feel almost good about my body now. Seven or eight kilos or so away from the weight I had when I moved here, and my face isn't very pretty, but I still feel almost good. Legs really nice, if I may say so myself. Muscles not firm; rock hard. Too bad chest and arms are so underdeveloped in comparison, LOL. That can perhaps be changed with a bit of persistence. I'm no real bodybuilder person, I'll just be seeking to get me some muscle tone, not become the next Arnold Terminator.
My extremely good mood of yesterday isn't here today. But neither am I in a particulary BAD mood either. (Str8, afaik) friend and old classmate from home town that visited yesterday (what kind of word is "yeasterday", that I mistyped? LOL) is on his way to Budapest as I write this. In fact, he may well have landed already. I gave him an early birthday present when he arrived to my place, just in case I'm not going up to previous home town when he turns 30. Sigur Rós EP from the "Ágaetis Byrjun" album. I played the album itself for him, he liked it. I showed him the video to "Vidar vel..." (phone company is raising broadband price with $10/month while keeping speed the same, ARRGH), and he liked that too. He's a self-employed photographer/website creator, so he appreciated the cinematic images in that video. He's also a self-taught keyboard player with a very accurate ear (easily spots people singing even just slightly off-key for example), which made him appreciate the very special music.
Yesterday was a most excellent day, today cannot possibly top it, or even match it. But I've got more money now, so I'll try to get my thumb out of my butt and submit my name change application today... I should be able to afford it I think. If I'm lucky it might even be processed by the time I'll go to London (would be soo fuggin cool to show off my new passport), but I have a sinking feeling it'll take an exorbitant amount of time to churn through the paper mills of our bureaucracy. Sigh!
But it WOULD be really really cool to have my new name in my hand by that time.
I'd be so proud...
Now, in more direct reply to your post... No, I don't know exactly what my friends feel about gays&bi:s, I don't think the topic has ever come up. I could bring it up as you say, and I'll maybe do that. As I've said (I think), I believe they're reasonable people all of them (all ten or so, arrgh), so I have no real reason to worry. I just choose not to say until I have a reason, it's my prerogative after all. And no, I doubt any of them would be able to fix me up with a date... Maybe me doctor friend with his nice doctor wife knows someone gay single person (they have a large circle of friends in this town), I'm not sure. But I don't think I'd care to try that route. I must learn to seek such things out myself.
I've told you above I am true to myself. Comfortable with myself, no. Not yet. Getting more and more comfortable with body, sure. Mind more difficult... I may not like (all parts of) myself, but at least I'm not lying to myself either. I am me. Listing my sources of unhappiness is an arduous work and I've kind of done that in some of my oldest posts. If you want, you can look for them in the archived part of the board.
Which country I'm from will maybe be revealed to the general public some time in the future. I prefer to hide a bit for now, sorry.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
A post about life, the universe and everything... 
I would E-Mail, but I dont know your address....... 
Big things... Little things... 
Mostly little things, it seems. 
Even littler... 
Re: Yess! Finally. Thank you, Darren... 
Rofl... No imaginary friends here! 
