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Wish my Brother in Spirit would come online so we can have another of those amazing chats like we had last night...
Almost 2 1/2 hours, dunno where the time went. He's so easy to talk to! Why does he have to be an American... Or why do I have to be Euro? Dammit... I could SO easily fall for this guy, I KNOW it. Holding back is hurting me. 
Saw another cute kid today, on the tram... Mid-teens perhaps. LONG blonde hair, about as long as mine - which goes a little bit below my shoulders. I have a baseball cap on my head when I go outdoors and stick my hair behind my ears to keep it out of the way. This kid just let it hang down across his cheeks. It was kind of messy too, he should really use some conditioner on it and comb it out, LOL...!
Slim body, covered in those awful baggy clothes guys wear these days. A snug pair of jeans on that guy = sex bomb. He had incredible almond-shaped blue eyes, pale skin and a truly cute face. Think he was looking at me. I'm not sure, but I think he was. Maybe because I also have long hair, I'm not sure. Or maybe I'm imagining everything from start to finish, lol... Well, I looked at him fer sure!
Bought a can of fatburner protein supplement yesterday. Tried it for the first time today. HORRIBLE taste. Oh my [expletive] god, did I really pay almost $30 for THAT?
I'll try to mix it in yoghurt instead of water next time. Maybe that'll be better.
Magnus the gym instructor is a truly handsome guy, and I enjoyed looking at his powerful body as he demonstrated the various weight machines. No problem with staring them, I was SUPPOSED to look, LOL. He's not my type though (too much muscles), but he is handsome. He seemed truly impressed that I've managed to shape up so quickly and told me to be proud. Well, maybe I should be...
Gonna lose a few more kays, then I'll start working out for real.
Ate a sushi dinner. It's so yummy, and it feels so 'clean' too eating it... But 6 norimaki rolls and 8 nighiri really is TOO MUCH for me now. Felt stuffed afterwards. Thank you, Japan, for inventing the uncooked-fish-on-rice dinner.
Famous movie quote that fits reality:
Street punk: "Wash day tomorrow. Nothing clean!"
Terminator: "Nothing clean, right."
[YAWN!] Feel tired... Have to stay up a little longer or I'll wake up at three in the morning. Gonna mix me some sugar-free wild berries cordial I think. Still thirsty despite gulping what feels like 2 liters of fluid after training...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I'm lonely, and there's nothing for me to do.
Been to the gym yesterday, so I shouldn't go today. Besides, I've got to wash my clothes today too, so when I'm finished with that the gym will be closing.
Can't go on a shopping spree either. Don't have money for it, and most stores are closed today anyway.
Hardly any friends left. The doctor guy is in England over the easter I think. Even if they aren't, I could not impose on them. Their social schedule is probably filled up already.
So what remains for me? Scour the message board (it's the first thing I do every morning, last thing I do before going to bed. With many many visits inbetween throughout the day. My life is so pathetic...), surf the web and read computer tech sites. Boring as hell. It used to be fun, now it is just an old habit that is getting plain OLD. I'll probably go out for a walk again today though, that usually is enjoyable. Not sure how far I'll go; I have several routes to choose from.
Had excellent chat with my Brother in Spirit yesterday. Discussed lots of stuff, some of importance, some of no importance at all. The walls I keep around myself for protection disappear when I speak with him. He makes me relax. He makes me feel good. Even about myself...
I wish I could love him. But I can't.
Hope I'll be able to get some writing done today. I would like to finish part two of The First Son soon.
-Lenny (if I was a king, I'd be Lenny the Lonely, argh)
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Hey Lenny,
Your predicament is very difficult. It seams that you spend a lot of time alone, which makes you feel bad about yourself. Since you are not happy with yourself, you find it difficult to get out. It is a viscious circle that just left may cause you to eventually go bananas.
You talked about making yourself look better by losing weight. That is a first step, but you are still not happy about what is going on in your mind. I don't know how you can change that easily. It may be easier to get yourself out of the house. I don't think meeting the right guy is your immediate solution. It is a good end-goal, but you need to feel confortable with yourself first. I think you are missing close friends as much as a boyfriend (probably moreso). Thus, you need to get yourself out in the world.
Try volunteering your time. Helping others can be tremendously satisfying. Help some senior citizens, join a cause, canvas for funds ... There are a million charities that need help, and you have time on your hands. All of them involve meeting others. I know that my wife and I will be walkingin the local MS walk in April. Best of all, this entertainment is free!
As for this weekend, go to an easter mass. You may not be that religious, but Churches are a nice place to see other people and listen to someone that sometimes has something good to say. I don't believe in god, but I enjoy going to church (every now and then). Even if I don't agree with what they have to say, they cause me to think. Best of all, some of the choirs can be totally moving--Especially in those old european churches.
Chin up, back straight and tummy in. Get out and have a better weekend!
Darren
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You have to understand that I just can't go out and do something useful all of a sudden, it just isn't possible. For starters, I don't know what I want to do. I really have NO freaking idea. Anything I can think of I reject immediately for one reason or another, often due to this massive inferiority complex which I constantly have to struggle with (thanks, mom...)
So it's not that easy, I'm sorry.
Can't go to a church, because I hate just about everything even remotely connected to christianity. There's not even much of a gay community where I live. There is some stuff, but it's nothing visible. It's mostly nightclub stuff for those party dudes, and I'm not like that. Don't know what the hell to do...
I'm just hanging in there...barely.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I had the same problem, Lenny. I wanted to do something, but I didn't know what, or if I could do anything. The people at work (one in particular) kept hounding me and hounding me to do something. Finally I did. I called the local school to ask if they needed any voluteer help, in particular, tutoring and mentoring. Well, they practically slobbered all over themselves and pushed my background check through as quickly as possible. I now spend an hour twice a week with the cutest 11 year old boy, helping with his homework, and just talking and having fun. I am also preparing to start training as a child advocate (if you want to know what a child advocate is, email me). It seems like about ten tons of weight has been lifted from my body. The feeling is tremendous, and I highly recommend it.
So Lenny, if I can do it, so can you. If you want, I can bug you daily.
Hugs, Charlie
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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I felt the same way a few months ago. I did not want to do anything. I was also too scared to volunteer my time or take a course (I have been wanting to take an painting course for some time but could not get myself to do it). I told my wife that I was gay, and all of a sudden I feel so much better about myself. Why? Because I am no longer hiding about who I am. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my problems were due to hiding my sexual orientation. I always thought that I just did not like the new place that I lived and due to other issues. I was not being a very good therapist to myself.
I also had a father that constantly told me what I was doing wrong. I now know that he does not know much about anything, and I tell him to get lost if he tries to correct me. My mom was more difficult. She is controlling and that took me 30+ yrs to stand up to her. This required the constant pressure from my wife (which caused us a near divorse). In addition, we had some marriage counselling over this issue. Learning not to care what they think and even ignoring them is the only way to get past it. My mom tries to make me feel bad for not phoning her enough. I say "who cares! you did your damage to me".
Now, I am a transformed person. For the first time in my life, I am seeking the company of others. My shyness is dissappering. I am discovering that I am a totally interesting person. I am also having fun for the first time in many years. I had become this boring monotone individual before, which hopefully I won't slip back into. No guarantees though.
This email was not intended to tell you how good I am. Rather, I am trying to say that my problem was just one thing. My fear of others discovering my homosexuality was smothering my emotions.
I am not saying that your problems are the same as mine (every person is different), but the fact that you cannot talk to your friends about what you do for most of the day might be a bigger problem that you believe. Don't you think it would be pleasureable to say to a friend: "I am working out because ....", without having to change the story to hide who you are.
As for getting out, you need to do something. Your english is so totally awesome. Maybe you could take Charlie's idea, and tutor some english students (for free). It might be nice eye candy as well. As for this weekend, you still need to get out. How does taking a long walk in the park sound? I was out today in our forest and I met two couples that seamed very interesting to me. I talked for a while. Even if you don't talk to anyone, seeing all those people is good for you. Computer screens don't offer good therapy, and you have to realize that you NEED therapy. If you cannot obtain professional help within your budget or geographic area, you need to do it yourself.
I am sorry for the frank talk. Maybe others have other ways of making you feel better about yourself. One thing you could do is get a picture out of yourself before you started working out. Take that picture into the mirror and compare it to your body now. Maybe this will give you enough of a HIGH to get you do do something. Just and idea anyway.
Cheer up!
Darren
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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I felt the same way a few months ago. I did not want to do anything. I was also too scared to volunteer my time or take a course (I have been wanting to take an painting course for some time but could not get myself to do it). I told my wife that I was gay, and all of a sudden I feel so much better about myself. Why? Because I am no longer hiding about who I am. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my problems were due to hiding my sexual orientation. I always thought that I just did not like the new place that I lived and due to other issues. I was not being a very good therapist to myself.
I also had a father that constantly told me what I was doing wrong. I now know that he does not know much about anything, and I tell him to get lost if he tries to correct me. My mom was more difficult. She is controlling and that took me 30+ yrs to stand up to her. This required the constant pressure from my wife (which caused us a near divorse). In addition, we had some marriage counselling over this issue. Learning not to care what they think and even ignoring them is the only way to get past it. My mom tries to make me feel bad for not phoning her enough. I say "who cares! you did your damage to me".
Now, I am a transformed person. For the first time in my life, I am seeking the company of others. My shyness is dissappering. I am discovering that I am a totally interesting person. I am also having fun for the first time in many years. I had become this boring monotone individual before, which hopefully I won't slip back into. No guarantees though.
This email was not intended to tell you how good I am. Rather, I am trying to say that my problem was just one thing. My fear of others discovering my homosexuality was smothering my emotions.
I am not saying that your problems are the same as mine (every person is different), but the fact that you cannot talk to your friends about what you do for most of the day might be a bigger problem that you believe. Don't you think it would be pleasureable to say to a friend: "I am working out because ....", without having to change the story to hide who you are.
As for getting out, you need to do something. Your english is so totally awesome. Maybe you could take Charlie's idea, and tutor some english students (for free). It might be nice eye candy as well. As for this weekend, you still need to get out. How does taking a long walk in the park sound? I was out today in our forest and I met two couples that seamed very interesting to me. I talked for a while. Even if you don't talk to anyone, seeing all those people is good for you. Computer screens don't offer good therapy, and you have to realize that you NEED therapy. If you cannot obtain professional help within your budget or geographic area, you need to do it yourself.
I am sorry for the frank talk. Maybe others have other ways of making you feel better about yourself. One thing you could do is get a picture out of yourself before you started working out. Take that picture into the mirror and compare it to your body now. Maybe this will give you enough of a HIGH to get you do do something. Just and idea anyway.
Cheer up!
Darren
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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My posting got added twice.
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Not that I don't appreciate your attempts at cheering me up or giving me ideas of what to do with my time - I do. And I have much the same thouhgts as you of what I *should* do. But as I said, I *CAN'T* do it!
It is impossible! Even though I might want to!
If I think about forcing myself, I get almost panicky because I'm so fucking afraid of screwing up yet again (been there too many times already), and I can't take it anymore. If I do badly at something, it is just about impossible for me to try it again because I've convinced myself I just don't have what it takes to succeed.
So I'm in the most awful of dilemmas here, either sit alone at home and be bored out of my mind and feel sorry for myself (but safe from the risk of failure), or go out and try to do well at something and try to enjoy myself, but with near-100% certainty of not managing to go all the way due to non-existing confidence.
This behavior of mine is not something I am able to change. It's as deeply rooted into me at this stage as not touching a candle flame with my fingers.
Only way out I can see is getting fit, then getting laid, then getting loved. Maybe that will re-instate some degree of belief in self. Not much to believe in, but it's all I got...
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Why don't you try stacking the deck. Pick tasks that you are surely to succeed, such as sitting on a bench in a park, or reading a book in a coffee shop, or even sitting on your steps in front of your house (as someone else suggested a while ago).
I think getting laid is a wonderful end-goal. It would be enough to get me to do anything. However, I think you need some (reachable) steps inbetween. Scaling a 10 m wall is not possible unless you have a ladder.
Have you guaged how fit you need to be in order for you to reach your goal. My worry is that you keep lowering your limit, thereby pushing the date back when you are "deamed fit". This is a natural method of procrastination.
We're trying lenny....
Darren
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and everyone stumbles along the way. It is called experience. Because we stumble along a path, it doesn't mean that we never take that path again, it means at that spot where we stumbled, we change our step. We have learned from that stumble, and attempt to avoid it. Sometimes our avoidance causes something else to happen, like a fall because we stepped over the edge, but it is still a learning experience which we shall try not to repeat by looking for a new way around the obstacle.
Lenny, you can change. You already have changed. Just look at what has happened sincee you started posting here. And you did it, not anyone else. We are just electrons that you pull up on your computer. You're the one that has made changes. It isn't going to happen all at once, like a lightening bolt from the sky, but will happen. As a matter of fact, you will change, there is nothing you can do about it. Each day you will have a new experience. You may not know it, or recognize it when it happens, but every day is different.
Do me a favor, Lenny. Every morning when you get say the word yes 100 times. After a couple of days add another word, I, and say Yes I. Then again a couple days later add Can, to make Yes I Can. After a week add Do Anything. Then keep repeating Yes I Can Do Anything 100 times each morning. And try to delete No I Can't from your vocabulary. I know this sounds stupid, but give it a try anyway. For me.
Hugs, Charlie
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(Second attempt at responding to this post: first time computer just feckin' DIED on me, dunno what the heck happened. My OS install is screwed so I can't install the latest security updates. I might have gotten winnuked or something like that...)
Darren, I try to do these sort of things every once in a while, "stacking the deck" as you call it. Try, because it's sometimes extremely difficult to even leave the apartement for me, I just don't have the willpower for it even though I might be so bored even watching reruns of "The Bold and the Beautiful" would seem attractive to me, LOL.
But now I already go to the gym regularly, so it would probably be easier for me this time. I will try the coffee shop thingy, it's too cold for park benches as of yet, but I'll undoubtedly get there eventually once spring comes.
As for getting laid... Well, finding someone for a q'n'd fuck isn't too difficult. I can do that. It would be a tremendous boost to me if I could have such an experience AND ENJOY IT.
Finding a person to love, that does indeed take a ladder, yes. But that's not my immediate goal either, I have to start somewhere.
As for fitness... Eighty kilos, preferably. I'm more than halfway there already so it's within my power to reach. I'm a bit too soft still, but working surely towards that goal. Maybe another month, I'll have to see how it goes since I can be expected to start "plateauing" soon, if not already.
And I know you're trying... I'm extremely thankful you keep at it, I really am. And even though I might not always think the same of your advice, or sound sour and negative, I do think a lot about what you say and maybe some of it sticks to me all the same. So please, try to keep it up! 
Now Charlie...
Yes, failure is expected every once in a while for us all. But the problem is, I haven't done anything major right in the last fifteen, maybe twenty plus years (in my own eyes that is, which unfortunately is what counts when it comes to me). So it gets to me, and it makes me afraid, and it paralyzes me. Not much I can do about that. Tell someone who is mortified at the sight of a spider "ach, don't be silly! It's just an itty-bitty little spider!" and see how well that works! Same thing here... A mental phobia maybe, I dunno.
I know I can, and have change(d). Problem is, I don't know yet on how fundamental a level I can change, so far it's only little things and I don't see a way to change the big ones. I just have to keep hoping I will find a way somehow as I don't have the courage and resolve it takes to simply give up living, so there's not much else I can do.
Read my stories, and if you like them, send an email. That helps to brighten up my day almost more than anything. Heck, send an email even if you thought it sucked! You'd be the first one so far in that case!
Thank you for caring enough to reply...
(And I feel really flattered by your words about my English in your previous post, Darren. That was a truly nice thing to say.)
-Lenny
PS: No crash so far... Touch wood.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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I see your last paragraph. Try to widen it a little. "One of the ways I can see out of it is..... I cannto yet see others, but each day my mind is open to learning what they might be"
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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The q'n'd f*** thing worries me. Maybe it could be good for you, but I'm worried you might get hurt. Admittedly my perspective is so different from yours and I can "do it myself" when a quick fix is what I need. I guess I just need to say "please do be careful", okay?
You know we love you, as best we can from what we know of you, for what's inside. I KNOW some folks need that expressed as physical love or appreciation for what's on the outside, but we like the Lenny that you do have control of, for the decisions and changes you've made, for your personality, for your awesome stories which help us understand you. To me, that's so much more of the real you than the carnal stuff.
I guess to summarize, please consider someone to love, or at least a new friend, before the qndf, okay? Maybe this is just my own hangup, I dunno. Maybe you could make a new friend and have a physical relationship without real love - that would be preferable to doing a stranger, to me.
Well, I'm rambling, but its hard to understand how you feel yet I don't want you further hurt or taken advantage of, etc, or have that happen to your partner, for that matter.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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The q'n'd f*** thing worries me. Maybe it could be good for you, but I'm worried you might get hurt. Admittedly my perspective is so different from yours and I can "do it myself" when a quick fix is what I need. I guess I just need to say "please do be careful", okay?
You know we love you, as best we can from what we know of you, for what's inside. I KNOW some folks need that expressed as physical love or appreciation for what's on the outside, but we like the Lenny that you do have control of, for the decisions and changes you've made, for your personality, for your awesome stories which help us understand you, not for the body and beautiful long blonde hair (ehem) that God gave you. To me, the inside is much more of the real you than the physical stuff.
I guess I'd ask you to please consider someone to love, or at least a new friend, before the qndf, okay? Maybe this is just my own hangup, I dunno. Maybe you could make a new friend and have a physical relationship without real love - that would be preferable to doing a stranger, to me.
Well, I'm rambling, but its hard to understand how you feel yet I don't want you further hurt or taken advantage of, etc, or have that happen to your partner, for that matter.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Or, get that qndf, a job, and meet people all at the same time! Well you ARE getting fit and your hair sounds yummy.
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If you think I have any major successes in my life, then think again. If you call a six year separation from my wife who says she doen't love me any more a big success, or even a little one, then you are mistaken. Or the loss of my three kids. No, I don't think I have have hardly any success in my life either. But I am trying. These are baby steps that I am taking. And I have failed miserably more times than I wish to count along the way. I am still not sure if I want to continue, because it seems like every time I take a small step forward, someone or something comes along and smashes me right in the face. But I haven't given up yet. And the small successes, like going to a friends for dinner, or sharing a joke at work, or spending time with my student, help me from day to day. And that is how I live right now, day to day.
I made a comment at work yesterday, and I thought I was going to get killed by almost every one there. I said, thinking about my latest and greatest failure, that the saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." was a bunch of bull shit. Right now I wish I had never met my wife, that I would be happier living the lonliness I had before, than going through the heartache that I feel now. Sure, I brought three kids into the world, and I am proud of them and love them very much. But right now, the sense of loss I feel outweighs my love for my kids.
So don't think you have the corner on failure. Many, many others look upon their own lives the same way. Only through small steps can these failures be turned into successes, and 99% of the time, you won't even know it is a success until more little ones pile on. Just keep plugging away!
Hugs, Charlie
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Heh, this is part of the equation too, I often get feelings of inadequacy because I know there are people who are worse off than me, and what right do I have to feel sorry for myself, etc... (And you know what? This does not help either, of course.)
You speak about the loss of your three children, does that mean you never get to see them? Shared custody is common in most countries these days after all...
I agree on what you said about the saying by the way, it does indeed seem like...ehm...rethoric nonsense. Never been in love myself, not truly, but losing after having loved scares me more than anything.
I also agree on your last paragraph. I've been through (small) successes since coming here. And I did not know it until afterwards. So even though it is quite a burden all the same, I do continue to plug away...
Thanks for telling me all this, I'd never imagined you carry on such feelings from what you usually write here (your often bordering-on-flippant posts seem legendary! )... It is much appreciated.
Take care!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Yup, I got the flu alright... Or I did have it yesterday anyway.
This is so bizarre! I get sick for like ONE day when most people are knocked out for several, I must have like the mother of all immune systems or something. I coughed a bit of slime yesterday at the gym. Did full cardio program, it was rough, probably because I was coming down with this thing which I did not know then.
Came home, still feeling good. Throat started to ache towards the evening, then I got a light headache. During my chat with Tom (nice guy!), I started feeling a fever coming on. Don't think I've ever felt a sickness attack in realtime like this before, it was a quite strange sensation.
At twenty to one I went to bed, had fairly bad headache I noticed after getting out of my chair. Went to sleep. At four-ish I woke up and my head was pounding. Dissolved two headache pills in water and drank the fizzly concoction, plus a bit of extra water. Went back to bed and tried to sleep. It was difficult.
An hour or so later, the fever started to break, I sweated profusely and it was really uncomfortable. It lasted for what felt like ages, but I did fall asleep again. Woke, after some interruptions, at 12:30 (including hour lost due to daylight savings time adjustment), arrrgh...
Half the day gone, just like that. And I don't even feel sick anymore, just got a slimy (and slightly sore) throat still.
Am I still sick or not? I don't know! Probably, but it doesn't FEEL like it... This has happened before, these "lightning-strike" flu attacks. There and gone in less than 24 hours.
Why can't I get sick for REAL so I can stay in bed and relax instead, huh? Is that too much to ask?!? You know, some people even DIE of the flu, and I get well after like fifteen seconds.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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It's nice of you to do so, but I think I can handle this. Yes, I will be careful when I do decide to go out and be "carnal"...
Nothing wrong with seeking the pleasure of the flesh. Yes, it's shallow compared to a real relationship, but it is pleasure all the same. I haven't felt that kind of pleasure for more than a decade, and it does affect me. It makes my life empty. Physical contact is so important to us humans, we often don't acknowledge it, but we are social animals after all, used to live in flocks and not alone year after year in small apartements...
It would only be an interim solution, practice if you will, for the real thing. Which I hope to find too.
Thanks for your kind post. It was nice reading it.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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but we do have an understanding about the kids, that I can see them whenever I want. However, I am i south texas and they are in middle Tennessee, so it is a twelve hour drive one way. I cannot afford to fly all the time, and do have to work, so I see the kids twice a year. Christmas I travel to Tennessee and spend a week. Then during the summer they come to Texas for five to six weeks. I love those visits, and love my children very much, but can you understand the sense of lose I feel when I see them only every six months? Every time they are a little different, a little more grown up (sometimes a lot more). And it usually takes a couple days each time just to get to know each other again. Then when we split again, I have to go through that heartache all over again.
Lenny, my whole point here is to keep on keeping on. It is so hard to measure from day to day, but look back at the past couple months. Every time you mention going to the gym and exercising, and about your weight lose, I want to shed little tears of joy. Because even if you cannot see, we do.
It okay to have dark days, I know that I certainly do. But they are now becoming less frequent, and usually not as intense. But I try to focus on the better days. And yes, one of my defense mechanisms is my feeble attempts at humor. And if this sorry-assed, weak, pathetic, worthless excuse for a man can have some good days, you most certainly can!
Hugs, Charlie
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I think I understand your feelings about your children. Think, because I'm not a parent myself, but I try to picture it anyway. And being apart for so long must be incredibly difficult, as you said, being separated does make people drift apart (even if it is a father and his children). Do you keep in touch by phone or anything then?
How old are they now? Not sure if it's supposed to be easier as they grow up, there's so much a parent wants to know and experience during a child's maturation...
Forgive me for this nosy question, but you & wife are still married - how come? You can just ignore it if you want to, I won't demand an answer (actually, I wouldn't demand an answer to any of my questions. )...
And I so appreciate your constant appeals to me to keep trying. Even though I do that anyway (because I really don't have any other alternative), it's good to know you're there all the same. Thanks...
Side note: my flu is much better now. Throat's still slimy and slightly sore and I have just a little headache I think, but it's hardly worth mentioning. Don't think I even got any fever now either. Seems I can't even catch a disease properly.  I'm still going to stay away from the gym for at least another day even though it's so boring to be at home.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Son just turned seventeen, son thirteen, and daughter eleven in April. We talk usually once a week on the phone, and occasional e-mails. But what I miss is the day to day growth in their lives. Like their friends, what they do in school, who they are going into. And I feel that we are growing further and further apart. I feel like I have no influence on their lives, and it leaves a gaping hole in me. I think it is one reason why I am reaching out to other children now.
The question of my wife is difficult for others to understand, but is very simple in my mind. In 1987 I promised to love, honor, and cherish her for the rest of my life, and this oath was made freely and in front of witnesses. I still hold myself to that oath. I still love, honor, and cherish her. She is the one who chose to stop loving me and move away. If she wants to end the marriage, then she will have to do the work. I will not contest a divorce, but I will not initiate one either. So far, her reason for not filing for a divorce is monetary. I don't know. I send her money regularly for child support. I also help with the myriad of expenses children generate now-a-days, such as band instruments, field trips, and such. Apparently she used that money for what it is intended.
The constant appeals are for both of us.
Glad to hear you are feeling better. Now if we could just hear from David.
Hugs, Charlie
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Hi Charly, I actually did not want to come back to this "male site", but while I was reading through it, trying to understand my husbands new life/world, I came across what you wrote about your kids. Since then I can't get it out of my head.
Even now when I am reading it again, I did't see anybody asking you why you are not moving close to your kids to be able to have a closer life with them?
Christina
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I have a good job here, and a couples years before my wife left we bought a house. If I sold it now I would take a pretty good sized loss. I spent most of my adult years in the military, going where ever they told me, but I knew that pay check was coming in right on time. Without a guaranteed job I am very reticent to move.
Plus I think it is a feeling that I do not want to be too close to my wife and her boyfriend. Every time I see her it hurts, and then when her boyfriend shows his face, the hurt deepens. It took two years before I would even set foot inside their house. Things are a little better now, we sit and talk when I pick up or drop off the kids, and I now have Christmas dinner with them. I am not sure, but I think my motivation there is the kids. They are the ones who first invited me to the dinner, and kept asking until I relented.
I do talk to them once a week by phone so I am not completely out of the loop for day to day stuff. What is the real shocker is when I see them is how much they have changed physically. Of course, being kids that changes quickly, and both my middle son (13) and daughter (11 this month) are in the period when kids really change, both physically and mentally. My daughter has always been boy crazy, but now she is getting to where she is asking about dating. And when my wife left, she wasn't in school yet. My son has discovered girls. And the oldest boy (17) has dated the same girl for three years now. I finally met her and her parents this last Christmas.
Back to the question. I get sidetracked easily when talking about my kids. Another factor which held me here for a while was I thought staying here would give the kids a known place to come to. They have many friends in the neighborhood, and those friends do ask about them when they aren't here. I know all the reasons I cited are little things that can be overcome, but taken collectively, it makes me hesitant to move.
Thanks for your interest. Nobody else has asked because we all look at it from a male perspective. It is nice to have a female slant at times.
Hugs, Charlie
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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In our house, my husband makes the beacon and I make the beacon bits, not that I could not live ok of my income, but he makes it possible for me to just work part time. Since you said, you still support your wife and your kids, so it is not up to me to say how hard a pay cut would be for you.
But one thing I remember (after I have read about your situation) is a man with a family who always has worked many hours a day, who said to me, “he is sad he never had the time to coach his son’s hockey team and now it is too late”. He had to work hard to make the money for all the extras the family wanted, but they also would have gotten by with less and him and his son would have been able to deepen their relationship.
I think you are holding on to old memories and an old life you had by not moving out of your house and holding on to what you were used to in the “good times of your life”. The friend your kids have left there are fine, but they will not be the friend they will have later in life since their life’s will grow apart the older they get. At that age one needs to be at the same location to keep the friends for good.
I myself have moved from Germany to Canada 7 years ago (still go back on a regular bases). The only friends I have left there are the once I have spend the last years with (university) and non-of them are the once I have lived with as a child growing up
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Don’t procrastinate to go for a change. Later on when your kids are too old you might have missed the boat for having a close relationship with them. And who cares about the boyfriend. He would just be jealous of you for being emotionally closer to those 3 kids he is not the father off.
My husband and I have recently moved 3500 km to a new area for both of us. It meant we went back to having no friend and also was it a slight cut back in pay. But after a hard start we both say now, it was the best thing we could have every done for our relationship. (Oh, maybe not, he just told me he is gay, just kidding but not about the gay part)
I am old enough to know that money is important, but the relationship to family (esp. kids) is priceless. Making such a big jump might seem very hard but it will pay off in the end by the reaction your kids will have for having their dad back/more.
Being married to the master of procrastination (only took him 8 years to tell me he is gay), I know how long it can take a guy to initiate change. Unfortunately you are single now and have no one to pull you through this. But maybe with your kids in your mind you can do something too. Just remember, you are not happy with the situation the way it is right now and nobody will or can change that for you. Only you have the power to do that by changing it for something better.
I wish you strength,
Christina
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I just talked to Darren and he gave me kind of shit to state my opinion in such a hard way, without realy knowing you. Sorry, somehow with this internet I felt I had the right to throw my belives in your face as hard as I could.
Well I guess, one could be sorry for Darren, cause that is what he gets of me all the time.
Sorry Charlie if I hurt you, I didn't mean to.
Christina
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You were just posting your opinion, and that is what this board is all about. And no, I did not take offense at anything you said. My friends have been saying basically the same things, and a few other besides.
I am just now recovering from my bout with depression, and starting to do things for myself. It is a long road, but I have gone a couple inches. I am starting to reach out in my community to help myself out of the deep hole of self-pity that I had been wallowing in by volunteering. I am mentoring at the local elementary school, and this summer I start training as a child advocate.
I also (finally) came to the realization of what I want to do with my life (only took 51 years!) and that is help children in any manner I can. That is leading my voluntary activities. I have talked with my children about this, and they support me.
I am healing, and maybe, with luck, I will make that big jump. Thank you for your honest opinions. If I didn't want them, I wouldn't have answered your post.
Hugs, Charlie
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Most of us know when we hear advice to consider the source. Nothing personal at all and I'm including myself here. Some of us know each other better than others and some of us have "been there, exactly" with one situation but not others. So, we have to pick and choose whose advice we take and consider the perspective/point of view of the giver, and how much we paid for the advice.
You know, we all agreed on everything perfectly until you came along!
Oh, and I think you did have a good point though, I've heard repeatly that when we're old and our kids are grown we will never look back on our lives and say, "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office, I might have gotten another raise/promotion." Instead, of course, we'll second-guess the time/efforts not spent on our families.
I wasn't sure if you'd be here for awhile, Christina, but since you do appear to be here I wanted to clarify: I didn't dislike the idea of women or wives here, just MY wife at this point in my life. I've been very honest with her and she's getting used to the idea that I'm gay (as am I) but at this point in my life I just want a place to speak my mind - sometimes about her - without worrying about her feelings. Just like a counselor, I think - marriage counselors have a place, but so does individual counseling. I hope that make sense.
Anyway, as Tim said, it's good to have your perspective and involvement here, IMHO.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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No Message Body
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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You are right, I had not at all planed to stay on as long as I did. But I just could not get Charlie out of my head. I think I would have been mad at myself, if I wouldn't have told him my point of view (you know, kind of a female thing I guess, or actually you might not know, since you are gay ).
All I can say now is: I had a lot of fun while I was here, I also had lots of free time without Darren and I have never felt that good since he had opened that damn closet door.
It makes sense to me that you want your own space for your own therapy. Darren was not keen on me being here either in the beginning.(Again we are talking since last week, I can't believe it has only been that short of a time). But now he sees the benefit I got from it and he just told me I can come here anytime I want (on the other hand he might have lied to be polite to me).
I only want to tell you it has helped me a lot and therefor our marriage as well. It actually is not as scary as I thought in the beginning, it is rather interesting and exiting.
Christina
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