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rockyraccoon
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Getting started |
Location: Mexico
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 11
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This is a letter I wrote to the one I love.
I wrote it yesterday, and haven't reviewed it until now. I didn't notice it may cause a missunderstanding. I won't do anything stupid, by "moving on" and "making a decision" I mean not seing him ever again.
Salut.
PS: Thanx to the webmaster of the site.
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This is a letter from me to a friend. To the person I love.
Everything here is true.
This letter may not make too much sense, but I don't wanna correct it. These are my feelings now, when I'm making a big decision, and I just wanted to say this both to him, and to everybody who has loved, and not been loved in return.
I never declared my love to that person, and things weren't magic as in stories or movies. Life is cruel.
I apologize for any mistakes, english is not my birth language.
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Dear xxxxx:
I met you about 8 years ago, we both were very young. My cousin introduced me to you, and, even though at the time I didn't knew it, I met love at the same time.
At first I thought you were just an ordinary person, and I didn't thought too much about it, after all, you met new ppl every day; how many of them are to become friends, let alone best friends with you?
We weren't the closest of friends, until, after 5 years, you got closer to me. That was when I first truly noticed you. I still remember it, you went to my place just to play videogames with me. After that afternoon, you came to me every single day. I don't know if it began like a crush, or it was love at first sight, but I instantly realized I wanted to be more than friends with you.
I still remember us playing Street Fighter, your favorite game. I would let you win, maybe because I wanted to see you happy, maybe because I was too busy loving you.
We used to hang out all day long, every day, doing nothing, and everything. At the time I was very lucky to have you, even just as a friend. At that time, I was the happiest person ever.
It was like that when, at least to my eyes, we became more than friends. We would bet on the game. It slowly moved to more serious bets. Maybe just play naked the next round, maybe just getting our dicks into freezing water and hold as much as we could. Then it became more serious stuff, sitting on each other's lap with our underwear only, until one day, I jerked you off. I still remember the feeling of your dick in my hand. Small, teenish dick. Hard, and yet soft, warm, exciting... I can't put into words what it felt like.
We then moved on to the next step, and, after intentionally losing a bet, I sucked you. That was, to this day, one of my most precious memories. You didn't came, but I know you enjoyed it. This repeated a couple of times.
I had passed the point of no-return then, and I don't even remember how it looked when I passed it. I couldn't think of anything else besides you, you were my first thought in the morning, and the last one when I went to sleep.
Time passed quickly, and your birthday came. I wonder what would have happened if things hadn't have happened the way it happened. We had a great day, a movie, board games, and alcohol. I remember you showing me your new boxers, and to this day, I wonder if that was a signal or not. I guess I will never know. We were drinking, haveing great fun, when you suggested we went to your place, since nobody was there, and we could continue drinking there.
Once we got there, your cousin joined us, and we all were drinking. I should have stopped you then, but I didn't. I remember you having a drink, when we saw the lights of your aunt's car. She came home early. It was at that precise moment when I realized how drunk you really were. We couldn't hide it from her, and you got grounded. You weren't supposed to see me. Not at all.
I still remember when you sneaked out and told me that. I couldn't show you how it felt, but it was a living hell. Every waking hour was a torment to me, I couldn't think of anything besides you. I spent my days remembering every single thing we did together. I wouldn't eat, go to school, bath, nothing. I was a zombie.
My mom asked me what was wrong. "Nothing" I told her. Such a stupid answer, of course she knew what was wrong. Even though I never mentioned her how I really felt about you, I know she knows. I don't care.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and when I noticed almost 2 years passed. You were in my thoughts every single day of those 2 years.
One day, just 2 months ago, you knocked on my door. It was one of the best surprises I've ever had. My world was living again.
Or so I thought.
We saw each other again every day, and I loved you more and more every day.
One day, I noticed something different about you, but I wasn't sure what it was.
It hit me hard when I realized what it was. If you ever loved me like I loved you, that feeling was dead. I have been living a lie. I lie I created, and I so foolishly believed. You don't love me.
I know now you'll never love me like I love you.
If only I have had the guts to tell you how I feel about you 2 years ago, this wouldn't be happening.
I'm too in love with you now to just move on.
Again, I can't put into words how I feel about you.
I can only wish you the best ever. If there's life after death, I will still love you. I honestly hope there's nothing after death, I couldn't stand an eternity loving you, knowing you don't love me.
I failed. I couldn't stand life without you. I'm gonna give up after your birthday, I don't wanna spoil the party.
I guess this is goodbye.
Have a great life.
I love you.
PS: I'm posting this letter in the net, hoping other ppl will learn from it.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Did you mail the letter to him? And if not yet, will you?
I am pleased that you have chosen to post this letter here, and share with you the feelings that you had when you created it. You may know that I wrote to my own unrequited love too.
My heart is with you.
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rockyraccoon
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Getting started |
Location: Mexico
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 11
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I haven't decided yet.
His bday is April 2nd, I plan to stop seeing him after that, but I don't know if I will show him the letter.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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for example, why will you stop seeing him? What will allow you to decide to mail the letter? What wil cause you not to mail it?
I don't mean for us here. I mean for you, inside. Sharing si good, too, but I am only suggesting it for your persnal needs.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I have to agree with Tim - what is the reasoning behind your actions? For example, do you need to stop all communication, or stop being a friend in order to get over the love and get on with your life?
If not, it sounds like you have some history and intimacy which would make him a good friend when you need one, at least.
So, maybe - and you need to decide what works for you, of course - you could tell him your feelings and ask his feelings without needing to say "goodbye forever"?
Why did your friend suddenly come find you after 2 years?
Good luck, and I admire your courage to admit your feelings.
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rockyraccoon
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Getting started |
Location: Mexico
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 11
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I want to stop seeing him 'cuz it hurts so see him, to know that he won't love me like I love him.
I honestly don't have the guts to tell him how I feel, if he rejects me totally (not even as a friend), it would be worse than stop seeing him.
I don't know why he came back after 2 years, it's one of so many doubts I have...
ty for your support guys.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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You are wrong? Atleast leave the door ajar
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It was to a boy (of course now a man after fifteen plus years) that I loved very deeply. He had recently visited when I wrote the letter and I had not heard anything from him. I wrote my heart in that letter, and it still sits on the shelf over my desk, stamped and sealed. That is because before I worked up the courage to mail the letter, he came to me. He said we could not love the way I wanted, but we could still love. It didn't break my heart (but came close) because I realized that even a little of my love is better than none. BTW, we regularly correspond now (separated by 2,000 miles) and get together when we can just to talk, remember good times, and enjoy each others company.
I am learning, slowly, that to love someone and hold them deep in your heart does not require what I believe you want from your friend, physical love. My love has not diminished, but is channeled into what is acceptable to both of us.
The pain of giving up your long felt desires will be deep, but will fade with time. In the meantime your love will remain stronger if you keep him in your heart and your life.
Hugs, Charlie
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rockyraccoon
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Getting started |
Location: Mexico
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 11
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I think I'm not gonna tell him... keep him as a friend, a very close friend, and wait until I have the courage to tell him, or whatever happens...
thx for your advise guys 
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Those here that know me a bit knows I've had it rather rough.
It's been many many many times I thought I'd not manage living with the pain.
Having shared of me here on this board, and via email with Tim and other people, I thought it did me nothing at first, but it HAS done things for me.
Now all of a sudden some things have changed for me, and I feel like I'm in a bit of a good mood for the first time in YEARS. Don't know what this means, if it means anything yet.
I guess, what I'm trying to ask you, BEG you actually, is not to close the door on your friend. No matter HOW hard it feels! Because love is so special, and as long as there is even the slightest of chance that yours will be answered, do you really want to give it up???
I'm not going to tell you what you should do. You probably already know this, but maybe need a bit of thinking over or some help to actually make yourself believe it.
Your friend came back to you after two years. Have you asked him why? There must be a reason. If you meant nothing to him, why should he have bothered?
I suppose you must have been thinking, hoping, that maybe those feelings he could have had for you two years ago are just dormant, hidden under the surface. Maybe he is afraid of rejection too after all this time. Maybe that isn't a foolish wish, you can't be certain.
If you two still feel comfortable together as friends, have you considered asking him what he truly felt for you back then? You had sex together. That creates a kind of bond between you in a way... One of trust, at least! You held a secret together. Do you think he'd abandon you if you asked him such a question after what you two shared?
Hope this does not make you feel uncomfortable, that is not my intention. And before you do anything, you really should promise us AND yourself that whatever you do is what you REALLY want. Because otherwise you shouldn't do it.
Share with us now if you like. As much as you want, or as little. Even if it feels like it does not help. It didn't feel like it helped for me either, until I all of a sudden realized it HAD done me good. Do only what you feel is right, there is a lot of support here to be had should you want it, or need it.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Have you considered meeting with him to tell him that you (used) to really love him. See what his answer is. Given what you two have shared together, he should not be that completely suprised...
He came back to see you. There must be a reason for this?
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rockyraccoon
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Getting started |
Location: Mexico
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 11
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I've been thinking too much about this, and after reading your messages, I've decided to wait... I'll try to consider him just as a friend, a close one. I'll tell him, yes, eventually. Even if he doesn't loves me that much, I've been thinking about what we've been through, and you're right, we have a bond, maybe we're not lovers, but we're more than friends already.
There's another thing I haven't thought of, mostly because I never think of that... he's 16, (I'm 20) maybe he's confused about his feelings as I was when I realized I loved him.
I hope you don't think bad about me, I'm not a child-molestor, it's just that I fell in love with him, you can't choose who you love...
Thx.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Unfortunately, I can't speak from firsthand experience, but if he was 14 or 15 back when you were intimate, that may indeed be part of the equation - confusion. At 16, now, he may still be questioning or worried. At 20 you may be comfortable with your sexuality - whatever it is - while he may be unsure.
Do take your time to think about it, but he may need some reassuring. You may need to talk about things like people's preferences changing over the years or experimenting. I know you may not WANT him to not like guys, but he may need some help being comfortable with himself or his orientation, or lack thereof. One possible reason to seek you out after 2 years would be to talk to someone about this, or to seek some sort of closure or continuation.
Even if you don't ultimately get together again as lovers, talking might be what one or both of you needs to get on with your lives and/or understand yourselves (or at least that part of your life) better.
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Nobody will think bad of you here, it is a Place of Safety after all! Please, do not worry.
If you want to wait, fine. But maybe you shouldn't wait too long? Waiting is the best way of spoiling a good opportunity after all!
If you still feel as strongly for your friend, maybe the best course of action is to spend MORE time with him instead? Or what do you think?
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Given the age difference, you may wish to be cautious with your actions (as you said). This is an opportunity for you to help him (if he needs it). Maybe he needs someone to talk to about feelings that he is having. I know that this is very difficult for, loving him and all. However maybe if you can help him, your thoughts may change. I don't know. I would at the very least ask him why he came visit, and offer to him that he can always talk to you (as a brother).
It sounds like you are getting this figured out though.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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In the UK it is legal to have a full relationship with him. IN addition many str8 marraiges have a wider age difference. And no, you cannot help loving
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rockyraccoon
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Getting started |
Location: Mexico
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 11
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I've been spending more time with him, and quality time...
Also, I made clear to him that whatever he needs, (talking, a friend, etc), that I'm here for him, no matter what.
I haven't found the chance to talk to him about us, but I will, eventually.
Also, about the age difference, he once told me that for love, age doesn't matter... 
I wanna wait in case he doesn't love me... I don't wanna freak him out. I know I must not wait too long, but I don't wanna rush things either... I'll try to know what he feels slowly... step by step... while I help him discover himself...
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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No Message Body
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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whatever color you place to the situation.... Sex between a minor and a legal adult is morally wrong.....
To let the minor believe he is "winning" a wager..... Lets look past all the rhetoric and call a spade a spade.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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It depends what the law is where the two are. In England the ages are lawful, and so are they in many other countries.
My own moral judgement says that 16 is certainly old enough to decide for one's self. And if it is judged to be OK for str8 relationships, then why not for gay?
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Because he had to entice the child into a game of chance then intentionally loose so he can award his BJ prize.
This to me is wrong, and more importantly, it should be wrong to anyone with a sense of right and wrong.
To have to lure a minor into a wager then throw the game to taste his dick is about as low as I have ever seen.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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AdamAnt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 74
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I know exactly how you feel.
I have the same situation happening with my friend josh.
We were sexual partners as kids...from age 5-12 we would always go to each others houses, and fool around and Sleep in the same bed etc etc. This all stopped when he left my school when we were 12
I would never stop thinking about him, and One day I left my school an went to another...and out of all the people, HE WAS IN MY YEAR there...
We drifted apart for a while, and then he left the school.
3 months ago, he rang me up and said
"I was thinking about you, do you want to go out for a few hours and talk"
We went out, and I told him that i was "BI" (i am actually a straight boy lover, lol)
He told me that he wants to see other boys dicks all the time, so he think he is too.
Anyway, I made a few moves on him, but he didnt respond well at all. I thought he was shy at first, but I don't think he likes me like i like him.
I finally admitted this to myself, and felt the same way as you etc etc....howeverm i stayed friends with him..and we are close "FRIENDS" now....however, we did have a sexual encounter 2 weeks ago..hehe..
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I think your friend thinks about you too. He wouldn't come back to find you if he didn't. I think you should get some private time with him and talk to him about it. This is what I did with Josh, and even though it didn't resolve all the problems, it helped the situation a bit.
Don;t shut him out, just be a friend..and for fucks sake "TALK TO HIM"
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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We only know what the original poster has told is, and it took him some guts to post it. He described something form his past, trusting us with the information. He is asking us for help and advice, not to be told that the thing he did in the past sucks.
I'd rather that we continued by giving him advice, not in beating him up because of something he has said. My preference is for criticism such as this to be handled in private.
What is in the past is done. Each party plans to move on. One has asked us for quiet advice. Let us continue to give him that advice, as he has asked. If we need an element "clarified" let us ask him about that in private.
I appreciate your comment was more gentle than many in other places, but even so I woudld prefer to keep the tone of this board as one where any person feels safe to confess anything, however difficult, without the fear that one of us will make a public criticism of him. Paradoxically you could argue that this very post is one such. Hoever, in the past we have debated moral issues as separate items from threads containing the poyential to criticise an individual. I am more than content to create a thread about games and alleged trickery, or to have one created, in order to debate this well
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rockyraccoon
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Getting started |
Location: Mexico
Registered: March 2002
Messages: 11
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Thank you for supporting and helping a confused person when he most needed it.
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Good advice, Adam!
I realize, Rocky, that you're afraid of what may happen if you talk to him; but for heaven's sake DO talk to him!
From your letter, I'm trying to guess at your (and your friend's) age, and I come to the conclusion that you both are now old enough so that your parents can no longer keep you or him from seeing who you or he want to see (and that's why, after two years of being prohibited to, he is now seeking you out). Of course I have no way of knowing how things will turn out (my only wish for both you and he is that you can work things out for the best for both of you); but if you don't talk to him, I'm afraid you'll end up regretting it for the rest of your life, wondering about what might have been. It's a place I've been to before (as have many others here, I'm sure), and it's not a very nice place to live one's life.
As they say in Adam's corner of the world, "Good luck, mate!"
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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Obviously, I hadn't as yet read this message when I made that reply above.
Rocky, nobody (especially you) should think or feel in any way bad about you because of the difference in your ages (a difference that at this point in time still makes him a minor). You fell in love with him when (technically) you were both still "children" (a relative term if ever there was one when discussing a topic like this!). You may be right: he could very well be at the same place you were at that age, wondering about himself, about what happened between you two during all that time you were together, and about what bearing that two year separation now has on things.
Actually, if both of you really want to build any kind of lasting relationship, this age difference may end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. If the "age of majority" in your country is 18, you have two years (that or thereabouts) to be the best friends to each other you can possibly be. Friendship is the best foundation for any relationship; and even if, after he turns 18, the love isn't there, then hopefully the friendship can still survive (if you do nothing about it, then you won't even have the friendship).
I would also advise you not to wait. If you keep putting it off, there's a good chance that you'll wake up one day and realize you're too late. Further, he has now sought you out (perhaps even at the risk of going against his parents' wishes). It could very well be that he looks upon you as somebody who has "already been there" (that is, 16 years of age), who has probably already experienced the complex feelings that come with being 16, and is looking to you for friendly and loving advice pertaining not only to whatever relationship you two may have had (and may continue to have), but about things in general. If you keep putting things off, he could justifiably feel that you are rejecting him (and something tells me that's the last thing you want to do).
Just like everybody here, I'm rooting for both of you!
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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Letter 
Re: Hi Rocky. I wrote a similar letter a few months ago. 
Re: Hi Rocky. I wrote a similar letter a few months ago. 
I am not keen on this thread as it stands 
