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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I seem to have this overwhelming need to contact my nephew, a 16 year old who lives about 300 miles away and I don’t know well. I've though about this for a month and I’ve been unable to reach him by phone, so I wrote the following letter, which I’d love to have y’all comment if you will. Thanks to those who have already given me some input on this.
Background info:
- I hear he had been at least attempting to “molest” his younger half-brothers (there are many) a few years ago
- He has lived with his dad and stepmother for 8 years, with occasional visits to his mother, whose boyfriends may have abused him - she is alchoholic and apparently mostly uncaring
- His stepmom treats him quite unfairly, compared to “her” children
- Dad, stepmom, and dad’s family are all generally quite stubborn, fairly redneck
- Raped at age 2 by babysitter
- Now hitting at least one younger brother
- Seems withdrawn, quiet, few friends
- An uncle (there are many) recently tried to kill his own family, took his own life at police gunpoint instead
- Pretty average, maybe a bit underdeveloped emotionally
- Stepmom has tried to get some type of counselling, father won't allow it
- Not really relevant, but I FEEL like he may be gay - lives in a very redneck, non-progressive, undereducated town
- Yes, I have every intention of keeping my hands off him - I wouldn’t anyway, but that’s the last thing he needs
I have some concerns that although I’m not “out” to my wife’s sister - she suspects that I am gay based on my wife’s discussion of marital issues - she is quite intuitive! Neither “parent” would probably appreciate my contact with their son regardless, but I could talk my way through my intentions if needed - the stepmom has known me all my adult life and the dad is a bit - oblivious? So, I’m trying to be a bit discreet, assuming my nephew never gets mail and they may open it or at least inquire.
(Too bizzarre, while I'm writing this without her knowing it, my wife mentions this kid out of the blue. Seems he just got a job at a daycare. Hmm. ESP? She probably won’t be thrilled I’ve contacted him, knowing my fantasies, but I feel pretty strongly about it and there won’t be hell to pay.)
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Hi, R***,
I tried to call you a few times but wasn’t able to get through, so I thought I write instead. Some of this is a little personal, so it’s probably easiest if you keep it to yourself, especially since I’m making some assumptions that could be completely wrong!
I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to see you while I was in **city** a couple weeks ago. I was hoping you could help me wire the new shop/barn if you wanted and maybe we could also get to know each other a bit. I’m sorry that didn’t work out.
I hear just a little about your family situation from **wife** and **stepmom**. From what I hear, sometimes I think you’re getting the short end of the stick, in some ways, in your life. I can’t really change much, but I thought it might help if you had someone to talk to - just to vent or whatever. If you want, I’m happy to listen, to be someone you can talk to when you want, when you need someone to just listen and be supportive, without criticizing or judging you. I’m happy to talk about anything at all and will respect your privacy and not ask you questions you don’t want to answer.
I hope you don’t think I’m “too weird.” I’ve made some friends on the Internet over the last year or so - both young and old - and have found it helpful to be able to discuss my own feelings and thoughts when I’m confused or angry or need advice. Sometimes I can help them as well. This has also really helped in my relationship with **wife** - we went through a tough period last summer. A couple of my younger friends [composites of several, actually] reminded me of you, even though I don’t really know you well, and they seem to be happier after talking with others. I’m just guessing, but I doubt anything you could ever say or think would shock me.
I don’t want to try to be a parent to you or criticize your parents or **stepmom** - I think most parents do the best they can, but we are all human. I just want be a friend you can talk to without worries if you ever need to. I know that some things are hard for most kids to talk to parents about - I still have some issues myself - and I have a pretty open mind.
If your dad or **stepmom** wonder why I’ve written, it’s okay tell them I’m sorry I missed you on my last trip to Spokane and I’ve offered to be there if you want to talk to someone. I’m sure your dad wants what’s best for you. He probably is, and should be, protective of his kids. He can call me, too, if it would help. I can explain that I’m probably overreacting, but I have some friends who just let their feelings and frustrations bottle up for too long for their own good and thought you might want someone to talk to.
Anyway, feel free to call me or write if you ever want. If you have access to e-mail at school or a library, you can also write to me at **addy** or borrow a friend’s e-mail. You can get your own free e-mail at http://www.yahoo.com if you want.
If you call my cell and let it ring a few times, I’ll get your caller ID and can call you right back if I am able: **phone**. I have free long distance on it, and unlimited weekend minutes. I’m not working right now, so during the day is probably best. Don’t be discouraged if I can’t always return your call immediately, I will do the best I can.
Even if you don’t want to talk, now or ever, if you could let me know you got my letter I’d appreciate it.
Take care,
**me**
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Add a self addressed and stamped envelope for him to reply.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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You have decided. Great! That list of problems is growing as we speak. Everyday he goes to school, another will be added. I you think it might help, here's a note from me to stick in there:
[I am clicking on my "kidspeak" vocabulary 
*********
Hey Dude! Sup?
You are not alone in this world. Alot of guys need help with all the stuff comin down right now. Your Uncle Trevor is sincere and will be a friend for you if you need him. I will too. I'm a junior in high school and am living through the hell. Can you get online? We can talk. Stuff can drag you down or you can get past it man. If you need to just shot the bull, find me.
smith Weller [krimsonmonkey@hotmail.com]
*******
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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We stayed up talking about this and related things until about 3 am last night, my wife and I. One of those really good talks you only have once a year or so with total honesty and no subject off-limits. I won't tell you what led up to the talk because you'd all be incredibly jealous, even if she is a girl. She can be so wonderfully understanding and trusting at times, I'm sorry I doubted her.
So, I'm over that hurdle. Thanks for the SASE idea, Tim, and the note smith, and your support!
I had a college business writing prof who said it's NOT a self-addressed envelope, "It didn't address itself, did it?" It was the single most useful class I took. I guess we all have our ideosyncracies, though.
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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I am glad to hear that you were able to talk to your wife like that. From other messages, I had (erroneously) gotten the impression that you two are not able to do that. I find with my wife that she is much more understanding than I think she will be. Basically, fear of what the conversation will lead to is usually much more than the talk itself. Not talking at all is probably the most dangerous.
I hope that your nephew is strong enough to contact you. I think you may be the big help that he has always needed. Hopefully, his parents and step-parents can understand that...
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I think in the recent past it was more a matter of I was unwilling to add to her fears by giving her much more info because she was still a bit freaked out every few days. I'd only come out to her in July, so we're both still learning how to deal with and understand "the new me" even though it hasn't really changed anything.
Thanks Darren. I gave my wonderful wife a copy of my post above - "What - you didn't tell me you'd already tried to call him!" - and she thinks it might be a bit overwhelming, so I'll think on that a bit, but she's pretty supportive of my need to be a big brother or something.
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It might make it easier for him to contact you if you gave him a pretext - a completely neutral common interest that could be "his reason for phoning you". You could then both talk about that first. Then as the conversation progressed he might find it easier to confide about what's really on his mind.
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AdamAnt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 74
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Well, if you get a response from your nephew please feel free too contact me.
I would be more than willing to just be his mate....I was 16 only about a month ago, so we are the same age basically.
NO FEAR, ADAM IS HERE =)))
*HUGS* trev
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I've been trying to think of a pretext, but between living far away and not knowing him well, can't come up with one. But I think I will mention you wonderful young friends he could talk to online (if he ever gets online!) when appropriate, although I don't want to let him know I've told you all about his problems - I'm probably off a bit on the details anyway. Thanks for your support and input!
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Going totally from his point of view...You know
he is going to have walls up and from the sound
of it, solid and brick.
Here's a thought...
You rewired the tool shop for his dad [your brother]
right? It needs to be checked. You and your wife need
to run over and spend the day. Find him. He must be
there somewhere in the house. If you can get a few
minutes with him or your wife can, tell him you are so
glad for a chance to talk to him. You have this problem..
Ask his advice. Tell him about me,or whoever you choose.
Not really, but a troubled teen with a few
similar problems that you talk to online. Ask him what
he thinks you could do to help. He may say nothing but
it will get him thinking that you care about someone.
Leave your ##s and ask him to contact you if he thinks
of any way to help. Believe me, he will think about it
all. Let him know that he could help by getting online
to talk to us and eventually,to you. So many kids really
think they are alone and that no one else has the problems
they have. I know it's devious but it's for something good.
I keep thinking about him and wanting to help. The best
thing in all that info about him was that his stepmother,
for whatever reason,wants to get him therapy. Anyone
outside of the family would see problems immediately.
Just a thought for all it's worth...
God Bless-
smith
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I've revised it a bit with my wife's help - a bit less overwhelming from HIS perspective, I think, and I did find a few specific things on his radar to start some conversation. I will also be looking for opportunities for a visit, especially if the letter doesn't get much response.
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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As much as it may seem like "the right thing to do" by trying to encouraging him to talk to you, sending the letter should be enough. The next step must be his. The more you push him to talk, the less he will want to do it. He is most likely an insecure teenager and will have to reach out on his own.
What if he doesn't? Try giving him a present, but that may seam strange ... Especially to your wife. Offer to do something with him ... he may refuse knowing that you will want to talk to him. I am really at a loss. Let's hope the letter works.
Darren
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Letter to my nephew 
You cannot lose. He can only win 
Meanwhile, back at the ranch 
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