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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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This deserves a new thread.
I think I may have been the first of us to have done this. I tried to do it in 1978 and managed only to get her to think it was a finished, closed compartment which now had no relevance. The subject became closed. Not taboo, just closed.
It took 20 more years to be able to do it properly.
She suggested at several points I wrote out the story of my life. I took this to be her knowing of my attraction to young men and was comfortable both with writing it out and showing it to her. I also thought she knew because I asked her to help me sexually many years ago in ways that were then "advanced" (comonplace in hetero sex manuals today) with anal stimulation, and because she had seen pictures of erect yoing men I'd downloaded fomr the net and I "knew" she knew I masturbated looking at them.
Except she was in denial. Denial so deep that she did not realise that she knew, but was, I think, scared of knowing.
I wrote out my life story and tried to show it to her. It was version one of the story on the site here
It took her six months to read it. Those six months were a huge stress for me. Eventually she read it and said "Is thathow you see yourself?"
"What?"
"Gay?"
"I think it is, yes." They were dreaful words to say. We cried. She cried because I was gay and because there was not just one boy like she thought, but many boys. She cried because I had 'been dishonest' al lthose years, and because she did not know who I was or why I'd been under stress. She cried because the stress had almost wrecked our marriage.
Now we are almost peaceful over it. She was the hardest person to come out to and I have done it twice. We remain best friends and remain in love. We will stay together.
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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Well,
I read that what you wrote and would like to add my two cents to that as well.
I just previously read on this board, I guess by Trevor, that coming out is a very private thing, and that is true.
I have no clue what devil rode me that I chose to come out top my girlfriend. Well it for one cleaned some ground, I can be honest now, but with me it wa sliek with Tim, just her being sad that I "lied" to her all these years. In contrast to Tim, i coudl not look at pics of errect guys or read stories, when she woudl know or see it or she is around. That would be the most embarrassing thing for me I think.
but I must stress, what is written and read so easily here, can go tzotally different. We seem to have chosen life partners that are ver ytolerant and in love with us to stay with us an dstick to us in that hard period of life. Not all relationships survive and what happens if kids are involved??? DUN COME OUT JUST LIKE THAT OR WE DID SO!!!!!!
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Wow! Sounds like it was quite a lot to deal with, for both of you. I have to admire you for having the courage and her for being able to accept you for who you are. I'm not certain what I'm going to do yet. I'm in no rush. While it is disturbing to me to keep the secret, it is not a major stressor at the moment. It's just something I'd like to do. If I knew she would accept it, I'd do it. But that's the problem. I have no idea how she would react and I really don't want it to ruin my marriage. It does feel good just to talk about it with someone. That's something I've never been able to do before.
Think good thoughts,
e
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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And that meant honesty with myself. I simply HAD to do it whatever the consequences
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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with me it was far from THAT urgent, somehow it just felt right 
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Our marriage had dissolved to being roommates with shared kids, not much to talk about, no intimacy - emotional or otherwise - sex maybe once a year (and I've learned that's one thing my wife really NEEDS, frequently, for emotional and self-esteem reasons.) Although we weren't headed for divorce from my perspective, my wife (I found out later) pretty much assumed I'd leave her one day for some reason - self-esteem issues there.
So, by coming out to her, and really fully to myself at the same time, it explained a lot of our issues and talking built a lot of trust back up. It sortof provided an emotional crises which we had to deal with together and support each other. So, once she realized I didn't really want to change my "lifestyle" and had not stopped loving her (although had stopped "liking" her to a degree and no physical expressions of love) it really brought us closer together then ever before. I think it was mostly the honesty and desparation - of losing each other, our kids, our home - that brought us together.
Now, I make love to her because she needs it to understand how I love her. I enjoy it, especially because it is FOR her, even though I'm not at all physically attracted TO her. Well, she also did recently figure out what really turns me on, so I guess that helps, too!
Of course, this is MY story and different people are in different situations. I wasn't truly very afraid she'd leave, but didn't know how badly she'd react, either. She's always said if we divorce she'll cut everything in half with my Skilsaw. Hopefuly that excludes the kids and my privates, and hopefully I'll never know.
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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I was probably the most recent one to come out to my wife. It was just a couple of months ago. What caused me to want to tell her? Well, several events/things:
a) We moved to a new part of the country. Missing much of what I used to have caused me to be very unhappy. This in turn forced me to re-evaluate my life. I started also to think more about my sexuality while my fanticies increased.
b) I did a search for stories on the web and came across tim's site. After reading a few of the short stories, I ventured on to Chris and Nigel. I had never read such a long gay story before. Apart from totally churning me up emotionally, I saw how telling their parents made the lives of the two kids easier. I know it is just a story and life does not often work like that. However, it got me to think.
c) I also read tim's bio and noticed that he told his wife after many years and that made his marriage better.
Thus, I had this incredible urge to tell my wife. Normally, I am a procrastinator. In this case, I felt it needed to be done--even if it meant the end of our marriage. Something in my life needed to be changed, otherwise I would go crazy. So one morning I did it. I told her. At first she did not believe me, and then she went into some kind of shock. Tim was the first person that I talked to about my sexuality. My wife was the second.
After telling her, it was rough for both of us. She thought this was the end to our marriage and I thought she would leave me. I had pictured the process being much smoother in my mind. However, I also noticed a huge load being released from me. At the same time, she started to understand me better and still like what she saw. Our sex life got better too, as I was not longer hiding my real urges from her. In fact, for a while sex was better than it had been in a great many years.
Now, I can say it was one of the most important and beneficial decisions of my life. Our relationship is so much better than before. We can now talk about EVERYTHING. I always felt guilty not being able to tell her much of what was going on in my head. Recently, I told her about how I touch myself anally when I masturbate. This very much suprised her, and at first she did not take it well. However, it also brought us even closer together and now she even offered to do to me.
e ...
My wife is very open to homosexuality and also has a gay brother. She even helped a gay friend of mine come out of the closet. So I can say that I picked the perfect person to marry and come out to. However, I think that this really just means that she accepted me much faster than say another women would have. I think that Trevor's and Tim's wives took much longer than Christina (my wife). In the end, it comes down to love. Does she love you who you really are? or, can she only accept a man that she has pictured in her mind? If the later is true for you, then your marriage may not be that successful anyway. On the other hand, I waited for 5 1/2 yrs of marriage to tell my wife. We had been through a lot in that time, which in turn brought us very close. Had I told her after 6 months, she might not have stayed with me. She says she would not have. Somehow though, I think we still would have stuck together because we were made for each other.
Anyway, that's my story. I hope e it helps.
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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I no doubt bored the pants off you in that Gayometer thread, agonising over where (if anywhere) I stand on the Kinsey scale, trying to understand myself. To remind you, I reckon I'm wholly gay, EXCEPT that I fell in love with Alison and married her. I've never had sex with anyone else, or been anywhere near it. Throughout this thread and its predecessor, so far, I've been silently lurking, reading very carefully what you've all been writing, and thinking very hard, because it concerns perhaps the biggest decision of my life (other than marriage itself?). Do I tell or don't I? I'm torn. The upshot is this post, which is the most deeply personal statement I've ever made to anyone.
We've been married 26 years. Of course we've had our ructions and our ups and downs, but overall they've been good years. We've got two splendid kids (straight as they come) and I think we've been reasonably good parents. Alison and I are still in love; at least I certainly still love her, and I'm pretty sure she still loves me. And we're best friends, which isn't quite the same thing. She's a lovely person, very caring, very tolerant. No hang-ups about gays, which is not to say she'd exactly welcome the news that her husband was gay, in thought though emphatically not in deed. Soon after we first met, to test her reaction, I dropped a couple of fairly broad hints about my gay side. She simply failed to notice them (or, perhaps, deliberately ignored them). I wish now, of course, that I'd pursued the matter then and cleared things up. But that's hindsight for you.
So part of me insists that I'm living a lie. Like Tim, like Trevor, like Darren, I don't like being dishonest. No harm having relatively small secrets in a marriage: we both agree on that, even joke about it. But massive ones like this? No. I'd like to tell her everything, to reassure her that my gay side is no threat to her or to our love. I'd like her to know who my on-line friends are, to know that you're not dirty old (or young) men but a civilised and caring community. I'd even like her to visit here as Christina did, and see for herself the brotherly love that permeates these pages. She'd certainly approve of what goes on here.
But would she approve of me, her husband, being interested and involved in these things? Of me writing erotic storiest? I've faithfully observed my marriage vows about loving and cherishing etc, and have never been tempted to *do* otherwise, and never will be. But I still *think* otherwise. If I told her, would she understand? That's the crunch. The other part of me says "It's too big a risk. Why rock a nice stable boat and risk capsizing it?" Because, however tolerant and forgiving she may seem to be, there's always the danger of losing her trust; even of our marriage collapsing, which would be devastating for her, and me, and the kids. That's the main thing that holds me back.
Another problem is that I've never been highly charged sexually. Even when we were first married, sex was sometimes a bit of a chore. Then things began to fall off even more, until I became effectively impotent. Nothing, but nothing, now turns me on physically. Because it had never been high on my list of priorities, it was no great loss for me, but (rather like your wife, Trevor) it was indeed a blow to her. She came to accept it, or said she did. But what worries me is that if I do come clean to her, she'll think, wrongly but not unreasonably, that it was gay thoughts that put me off sex with her.
So it's a conflict between honesty and fear. Especially after reading this thread and the last, I'm coming round to thinking that honesty must win. Not quite yet: she works for a crummy establishment that's been burning her out, and for the past 6 years or so my main role has been supporting her through the idiocies she endures at work. The last thing I've wanted to do is add to her burden. But, please God, she'll be taking early retirement this summer, and once she's back in calm waters she should be better able to deal with a shock like this.
I know the decision's mine alone, so I'm not exactly asking for advice. At least I don't think I am. I think I'm writing in an attempt to clear my own mind, to paint the picture for you, and ask for comments rather than advice, if there's a difference. And also to thank you all for sharing your own experiences and fears. On this board, in the sense that we're pretty anonymous and have never met, we don't know each other at all; but in another sense, by revealing and reading what we do, we know each other pretty well. And one thing's for sure: you're all damn good people, and damn good friends.
Hugs,
Mihangel
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I have no advice...I just want to offer a
hug and tell you how admirably, how openly,
how wonderfully you have spoken your
thoughts, your fears, your hopes. Whatever you
do will be the exact right thing for you both.
smith*
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As one who is fumbling more or less in the dark in search for his first b/f, I cannot offer any real advice, so it is good you do not ask for it, hehe.
But I can see the courage in your post, to reveal so much of yourself. In a way, it seems to me you have already answered yourself to most of your questions. Such as, you say you do not want to burden your wife, so you will wait before telling her anything.
However, you fear for your marriage, and for your wife and children. That your wife may draw the wrong conclusions from certain aspects of your relationship. This, there is no answer to I think. It seems to me you must put your faith in the trust you and your wife feels for each other, if you do decide to go ahead and tell her.
You could perhaps try to "prime" her, by first discussing aspects of your dilemma that do not directly connect to you. You say she is gay-friendly. Is there something you could speak to her about regarding this, that could ease what you yourself will tell her? Kind of probe her reactions? Not asking her what she'd say about someone's husband telling her wife he's gay of course, if you dropped hints earlier in your marriage there's a chance she might start connecting the dots. But something subtle maybe? Dunno what that'd be though! 
It's good you're thinking this through carefully first, I'd say that increases your chances of success.
Anyway, do be safe okay? Take care, Mihangel!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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for your support and advice. It helps, a lot. That sort of thing is why this board is so good.
Good luck in your quest, Lenny. And, smith, any sign yet of those books from Amazon?
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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I think, Mihangel, that you must balance your need to demolish the wall of secrecy against the worst-case scenario you can envisage if you come out - and take the risk only if that balance gives you an irresistible push.
I don't propose to regurgitate the fine detail of my life story yet again - it's appeared on this board often enough already. So far as I can see, the only real difference between myself and Tim and the others who have eloquently posted above is the fact that I was actively gay as a teenager - or perhaps more accurately I was bi with a strong gay bias. Then I met the girl who became my wife. We fell in love in a very real, life-changing way - just like it happens in romantic fiction! - and we still are very much an item. I have never had any wish to seek a sexual relationship with anyone else. The mind games began when my kids reached their teens and earned the right to some independence. This allowed me what can best be described as 'emotional spare time' to review my life. It took a little time to admit to myself that on any reasonable scale I was gay and that 'twas ever thus - but the conclusion was inescapable. Unlike Tim et al, I was preoccupied not with what might have been, but with what once was. That triggered a strong desire to relate to others who were gay; to have an opportunity to 'be myself' mentally, if not physically. Fulfilling that need wasn't easy; the internet had not reached its present state of sophistication (nor had I!) and it's not really practical to walk into a gay bar in search of counselling! In short, I screwed up, and my depressive, introvert attitude was doing nothing for my marital relationship. Then I found this site, and read of Tim's experience. I thought of little else for weeks. I was terrified that coming out would destroy my marriage, but I was so desperately unhappy that I was destroying it anyway. Ultimately I took the plunge. I don't pretend it was easy, but in the end it worked. It worked so well that it brought us closer, repaired the rifts that were developing and changed and enhanced my life in ways I could never have imagined.
The point I am inadequately trying to make is that although our relationship has strengthened immensely as a result of my admission, and although my life has changed for the better in innumerable ways, I always knew that coming out was one hell of a risk. I honestly believe that it was a risk worth taking - but only because I was hell-bent on self-destruction in any event.
You will make up your own mind, as you must. Be sure the risk is worthwhile.
Somehow a cyberhug seems inadequate. I hope with all my heart that you make the decision that is right for you - but don't rush it! Faith, hope and love - these three; and the greatest of these is love.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I just got all three in the mail today. I can't
wait to start.
"Lyra and her daemon moved through the darkening
hall........" I CAN'T WAIT !! Thank you. I will
tell you as soon as I finish the first one
smith
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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More words of wisdom. And I think your last sentence is the most crucial.
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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it can proove to be too high. You always have ppl depending on you. You also have to consider the feelings of teh person you ar emarried to or live with. For sure, the "me, myself and I " aspect has to be fulfilled but what woudl happen of my daughter if my girlfriend would have said, Fu** you, go to He**? She woudl have been alone, with no daddy or a daddy of my girlfriends choice outt amy reach. Sometimes you have to stick to your choices, however hard it may seem, for the sake of a greater goal! Again we heard many that were lucky but the outcome cannot be guaranteed and it needs a helluva lot of love in a relationship to mke it survive a fundamental change in basics of mutual living and values.
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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You're right, it *is* a risk. But, if I do decide to tell, my decision will be based on what I've learnt of her over the last 26 years (well, 28 since we first met). When you've grown up alongside somebody for that long, and loved them, you do get (hopefully) quite a good idea of what makes them tick.
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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... we can never be certain of anything in our relationships. The point I was trying to make - maybe inadequately - is that my depressive state was destroying our marriage anyway, so the alternative was a tolerable risk, which happened to work out very well. If you aren't confronted with failure if you carry on as you are, then maybe the risk is too great. But I've seen your posts on many boards over many months, and I know you are a deep thinker, so I wouldn't presume to disagree with your well thought out point of view.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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Tim,
I have been involved with support orginizations that help people deal with finding out somone they love is gay. Parent friend or spouse, there are many common emotions that seem to emerge as the process plays itself out. I would like to share ( a shortened version of the story I wrote) something that may help.
A friend told his parents he was gay. At first they cried, and said "how can this be". Then, a short time later, anger, "How can you do this to me". Next, guilt "what could I have done wrong. Then finally acceptance.
At each stage of this process the parets were asked a simple question : if you could give your son a pill to make him straight would you make him take it? The answer at first YES!!!
Then later, "well I would sure want to ask him to". Even later still, "well i might ask him what he thinks about it". Today if you ask the parents the same question. the answer is a resounding "NO!!! This has brought an honesty to our relationship that was not there before, and more than that, this has made us deal with issues that have made us far better parents, and far better people. I would hide it from him".
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I think you have a good point, and it do think it's relevant, but let me make a counterpoint, just to keep us thinking: I firmly believe that most parent's mostly-unconditional love for and bond with their children is the strongest two people can have - stronger than a marriage or any "peer" relationship. Parents and children are forever, spouses and lovers (unfortunately) sometimes come and go, generally speaking, of course.
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I do not believe that is quite a counterpoint, as much as a part of the dynamic of the original situation. I agree with you totally. And, coming out to the people we love and who love us, is the single most frightening thing some of us will ever face. But most time we get though it and all parties are better for it.
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Thanks for the story. It sounds almost like the stages a person goes through when grieving a loss of a loved one. I have no doubt my parents would have taken such a pill and forced it down my throat. I'm not so sure I would have resisted. At various times in my life I have tried to deny it, rationalize it, and dismiss it. But it never went away. It has only been recently that I have accepted it for what it is. I still don't like my homosexual side, but I have accepted the fact that I have one. Part of that acceptance is why I now want to come out. It may help me feel better about it because I will finally be able to BE ME instead of always hiding half of who I am.
I have thought of a way to begin to broach the subject with my wife. She has several persons she has worked with over the years who are gay or lesbian. The next time she starts talking about them, I think I'll ask a few questions instead of just listening. Then I'll see where the conversation leads. It may take one conversation, it may take several.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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..I was just trying to make a counterpart for everyone thinking about coming out. It can go wrong, but if it destroys the marriage it can be a thing of healing *hugs* I agree with you totally. I just read an example ( I think it was on here)
All I wanted to say is that sometimes there is more than personal happiness at stake, there are kids and more. When the outcome is unsure...( as to will we be happier if we are on our own..when it fails) will it make us happier? Or will we prefer to stay with our wives and kids
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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If the marriage is founded on love, then nothing is at risk. The act of coming out or not doing so is not for the person told, but the person telling.
If the spouse, the children, were unimportant, one would have left already. If they choose to say "Fuck you, go to hell" then they have the right to do that. Would you begrudge them a partner 100% acceptable to themselves?
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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sometimes a marriage founded in love IS at risk when you look that the spouse can look on the relevation as a betrayal. Put yourself in the view of the spouse...there comes the prtner you live with for year, whom you think you know an dthen that partner, out of the blue tells you, ( I am polemic..if that word exists in English) hey Hunny I am gay....what woudl you as teh spouse think even if oyu ar edeeply in love? Maybe my partner was sleeping through beds and I di dnot know it?? Maybe he did betray me?? For my gitlfriend was the worst to be now confronted with a situation she coudl not handle.
For sure you have just on elif ethat matters, but you usually have just one ammount of kids and a spouse who love you and are with you.
Life in my point of view is a tradeoff. you can never do what you and only you want, cause theer are more relations to consider than just your short term luck. life is not just ( in mathematical terms) f(me, myself and I) but f(me,relationships,environment,long term happiness,responsibilities,etc.)
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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She doesn't have to be burdened. But I need to be unburdened. smith wisely remarked in another thread that "Love comes with knowledge, truth and trust." With us, the trust is there, on both sides. But I am preventing the knowledge and the truth from being complete.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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It is only a betrayal if other aspects of the partnership prejudice the recipient of the knoledge in favour of it being a betrayal.
What you are talking about here is fear. No bad thing, fear.
But do not categorise it as betrayal, for it is simply your own inner anguish about the process and the process of reaction to the news.
You cannot betray someone by giving them additiional information about you, unless it was always your intention to lie.
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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My wife for a brief point felt betrayed. However, when I explained that I had been burrying this issue inside of me since I was a teenager, she somehow understood. I could not tell her because I could not tell anybody. I too was scared of losing her. I think if your wife finds out you have been communicating with "fellows" on the internet regarding this subject for a long period of time, she may be more betrayed by that. I am assuming that no infidelity has happened.
You also have to look at what love is. I know that smith gave us a very nice definition, and it can be broken down further. For instance, the strong love that a long term married couple has is different than the innocent passion of newly weds. In the case of the long term marriage, love has been well supported by past experiences, resolved crises, children etc... Telling her that you are gay does not change all that. I just adds another dimension to your life. You are telling something about you that she never new.
You could look at it from another view. Let say one day your wife comes from the doctor and tells you that she has a debilitating disease. Let say also that she was told as a younger person (before she new you) that she may get this disease buy they were not sure. However, she never told this to you. Obviously, you had a right to know. Would you leave her over it? Most would not and would stay to take care of her. It is not the same parallel, but it is similar.
I am not guaranteeing that nothing will ever happen. There are no guarantees anyway. A friends wife one day told him after 13 yrs of marriage that she did not love him she loved the neighbour. He was very suprised and thought that they had a good marriage.
What I am saying is that (in my opinion) failure is not likely for a longer marriage that is well founded.
A new relationship is much more unstable. However, in this case it is even more important to tell (if you know you should). You need to give that person and idea of what she is getting into. It could very well be the end, but you want to know as soon as possible if they are the one that will accept you for who you really are.
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Darren
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Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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It is a big step, and she may be shocked at first. You can tell her that my wife likes "the new me" much better than the old.
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mihangel
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Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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Very cogent, very helpful. I'm more and more convinced that I must screw up my courage and tell, when the time's right.
You fear that the very fact that I've been communicating with "fellows" on the internet - namely you lot - might increase her sense of betrayal. In fact I think it should decrease it. Provided I explain (as is nothing but the truth) that I didn't come here for kicks. I came in an attempt to understand myself better. I came feeling myself a weird (for all I knew a unique) mishmash of gay-yet-happily-married; but I've found that I'm not alone. And that discovery - from your accounts of your experiences - has gradually led to the conviction that I must be honest. That's one reason why I'm so grateful to all of you: this site is ruled by openness and honesty and caring. And from that I think I've now learned that marriage should be ruled by them too.
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Darren
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Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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I think that this MB is a good thing. I wish I had utilized it sooner. However, let's say you have been doing this for many years and repeatidly getting the advice to tell your wife (and you don't). That is what I meant. Even then, maybe you are right. I takes time to understand yourself and for some that can be quite long. I think I was more looking for another act that could also be binned in the betrayal category, and maybe this is not the best example.
The main thing is that you are doing it because it seams like the right thing to to, which is very important!
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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I joined last January, I think, and semi-lurked for a bit. And you're right - these things can't (or shouldn't) be rushed. Festina lente, as somebody said; make haste slowly.
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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but even though it may be fear, but it is US who add that to our partners life and situation, so if the see betrayal, it is betrayal in their eyes even though we kno wit is fear...but what matters heer is not OUR perception of facts but theirs
I just wish I could write English better *grrrrr*
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Deutsch werde viel leichter aber die meisten wurden is nicht sehr gut verstehen.
Alles gute,
Darren
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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No Message Body
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I appreciate your situation a great deal. I guess what I would like you to take away the most, is the 'stages' aspect of it. I believe you have made great strides in self acceptance, and I want you to be open to the fact that it might still get better. Maybe even alot better.
My hopes and prayers are with you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I think my last post made it sound worse than it really is, but I am slowly convincing myself that things will be better.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Glad to lend a little support. It IS the very least I can do!
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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I see exactly what you mean. It's not a foregone conclusion that it will work out right. It's a risk. And as when you're debating whether to take any risk, you have to weigh the pros and cons, and (if it's a profoundly important matter like this) think very carefully indeed.
As for the burden, as Darren said, look at it the other way round. If (purely hypothetically) my wife were being unfaithful, I think I'd rather know than stay in ignorance. I'd certainly rather she told me than to find out by accident. So too, in the current state of my thoughts, I think she'd rather know of my gay side. And if she were to find out by accident she *would* feel betrayed, and with reason.
It's a balance. It seems to be coming down one way, and not the way that appeals to you. But I really do appreciate your concern.
Hugs back!
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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I certainly agree with Trevor that the Parent-Child bond is not the same as the bond between adult partners, and that it will in general be better able to survive major trauma.
I'm not at all sure why I've become an advocate of caution; I have in the past been an enthusiastic advocate of coming out to a partner. Perhaps Mihangel's contribution made be try to stand back and look at the question in context. I have an uneasy feeling that we are all a bit cosy here; those of us who have gone through the process have benefitted from our decision to admit what we were. I can't believe it works for everyone, and I'd be very interested to hear the views of someone for whom it DIDN'T work out well. I'd hate to feel that I'd been partly responsible for encouraging someone to take an action which turned out to be a disaster. I am lucky enough to have had a fairly wide experience of love, and I'm pretty passionate about honesty and integrity - but, paradoxically, admission of a secret can damage, rather than enhance trust between two people. It can generate a persistent, though unwanted, feeling of concern and suspicion: 'if he kept that to himself for twenty years (or whatever), what else don't I know about him?'
OK, I know that's simplistic. Maybe all I'm trying to say is that absolute honesty is not necessarily an essential component of absolute love.
You've got to be very sure of what you are doing, and you should have a pretty strong compulsion to do it. It cannot be undone - there's no going back.
But if it works, it's wonderful!
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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