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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Tim - can you explain a bit, especially that last line - 100% acceptable? I do hope I'm misunderstanding your stance.
I think the spouse WILL be burdened (hurt) to hear the lies, especially if they've been going on for years: Orientation, writing homoerotica, message board participation. In a way, almost a secret life. I don't think it's fair to believe unburdening ourselves is the spouse's "duty" to deal with.
Now I DO think you are probably working toward making the right decision FOR YOU Mihangal, especially considering how long you have been together and know each other, ("the trust is there") and I think you said that you both thought a few little secrets weren't a big deal (unlike my relationship.) Granted, only you know what's best for you and your beloved.
But, like Cossie said, I'll bet there are situations where the relationship isn't good enough or the spouse isn't "stable" enough (for whatever reason) to handle total honesty after the fact, yet it's good enough to sustain.
Someone said that in a way, our orientation, if we choose to never act upon it, is sort of like a fetish - it doesn't necessarily affect our actions/relationships much. Unlike an affair (someone's example) our orientation isn't necessarily going to eventually break up our relationship and isn't an action, like unfaithfulness, which we promised not to do.
So, I think there may be situations where "late honesty" isn't the best choice, that instead it may be best to "compromise" by "unburdening" to someone other than your spouse. Assuming of course, that she never finds out. That is the problem with a living a lie - it may become discovered.
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I totally agree. I guess the part of me that dreads the time in my life when I wasn't totally honest (seems like a different person when i think back) cannot be anything but an advocate for truth. However, I do not want to cause anyone harm. I wish the best for us all, and have found that many times our own fears hold us back rather than the reality of the people we are afraid to dissapoint.
Idealistic, yea probably overly so
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Since I am one of those wifes you are talking about, I just wanted to say somthing too. It was hard for me to hear my own husband was gay, I would not have expected it ever, but now I thing why not. I love Darren still the same way and nothing realy has changed at all. This does not mean it was a pice of cake in the beginning to work through it, but in hind sight I have to say, why was it ever such a big issue. He did not cheat on me, well he did lie to me but I think he lied as much to him self as he did to me and for sure he had a lot to loose by telling me, but then also not realy. In the beginning I asked him 1000nds of questions and he answered them all, some questions I didn't asked because I was too afraid of the answer, but with time I learned what I needed to know and asked 99% of them. There will always be mini secreats, the 1% in partnerships, kind of phantasies I would not want to talk about with him eather, but as long as we are honest in general with each other, I think it is fine.
I probably should say that I am strong, optimistic person, which for sure has helped me all my life with other crisis. But this is not the hardest problem I have worked through with Darren. So it might be different for any other person, but like you guys said, if you know your wifes and there is love between you it should be fine. Might take longer as it did for me but the result should be simular.
I have said it befor, reading on this MB was very helpfull to understand that I am not the only wife/partner (besides the ones you read about in magazines haha) and also talking to Tim (thanks again Tim), "a real person" not just some writing on the MB has help a lot.
My final opinion is, there is nothing worse then to find something like this out in any other way/person then from you partner. At least I had a choice, but really, what choice? Why would I have chosen any other way? I love him. Now in the "new way", as I say it to him, the way he truly is.
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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Thanks a lot. It means a great deal to hear about the other side of the story, and what you say helps greatly. Bless you.
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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This place is a lot safer than my cousin's, where I think he gets a hard on when she enters the room.
I hope that she could help.
Darren
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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It is good to hear from your side of the experience. I think it will help.
And you can have a hug from me too. Don't worry Darren I'm happily married and won't go any further. ;=)
Think good thoughts,
e
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