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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Hi all,
I have visited this website regularly and enjoyed the stories very much.
I really need some advices for the problem I am facing now.
I am 21 yo gay boy in Germany. I have been in relation for 3 years with someone older from US, he is 65 this year. He is married. We meet regularly 3-4 times a year while he is on business trips to Europe. He always said he has no other boys than me, until recently I found out that he has paid for escort regularly whenever he was away from home.
I am really sad and angry. I love him very much, more than words can say. I know it's hard to believe, but I also enjoy sex with him very much. I can come by simply kissing him. I have had chances where I could stray, but I didn't do it, cause I believe in our relationship.
And no ... I have no financial interest on him, I still paid the travel expenses by my own whenever we met somewhere in Europe. I have sacrificed a lot in order to meet him everytime he was here. I think he simply says he loves me cause he can have me for free ....
Now I am really thinking to have my revenge. I have all that's needed to proof that he is gay. I can simply send them to his wife. So he can not fool around anymore.
Yeaaaaahhhhh .... maybe it's the evil part of me ... do you all think that I should do that or not? But then, I might not be able to see him again. Should I just pretend nothing has happened and continue our relationship?
Thanks all,
Daniel
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Hm. Completely ignoring the fact you are a party of making this other man cheat on his wife, I'd like to say this:
I personally would not have been able to keep up a relationship where the other party has been seeing others and hiding it from me. I'd probably want to kick him in his cheating balls as hard as I could...
But then again, did you ever 'have' this man to begin with? Not only does he live in another country, he's MARRIED too! Is it something worth even trying to save?
I'd say you deserve better.
You deserve someone who does not use and take advantage of you.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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It's good to hear from you - welcome!
You say you feel sad and angry - his wife will feel just as bad, probably worse, when she finds out, and it's probably just a matter of time. He will probably get what he deserves eventually.
I don't believe in revenge - do what you know in your heart is right. Lenny's right, I'll bet you can do better, MUCH better. If you are willing to "save yourself" for someone and be committed, you deserve more than a few days a few times a year from someone who lies and cheats on everyone.
Keep in mind that if your lover is willing to cheat on someone to be with you, he will probably also be willing to cheat on you. I know this is awfully blunt, but I think you need to hear it.
I do believe there is a "Mr. Right" out there somewhere who will be good for you. Please do let us know how it goes, but meanwhile I wish you all the best.
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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The feeling that you'd like revenge is perfectly acceptable and natural. No one can help the way they feel, but each of us can help the way we act. Acting on that feelig would most likely be damaging, both to you and to him.
It sounds as though you enjoyed the time you spent with this man. Pretending nothing has happened will likely cause you more emotional distress. Instead you should decide whether or not you can accept him for what he is. Then decide whether it is worth it to you to continue the relationship.
Revenge is rarely a good answer. Take care of yourself. Decide either to remain a part of his life or to go your own way. Do what is right for you. Don't concern yourself with punishing him. Put yourself above all that. You'll likely feel better in the long run.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Hi Daniel!
I'm really happy that you are thinking about what's best for YOUR OWN LIFE! Your American guy has a life that he has chosen, and he hasn't chosen to be open and honest to anybody, according to what you say.
Now YOU must choose how to live your life from now on. This man was able to show you some things, and you learned a lot from your experiences with him. Not always good and happy things, but learning a lot is what we are supposed to do in life, in my opinion.
If it were me, I'd send all the evidence of his being gay, etc. to him, not his wife. I'd send it with a letter saying that you decided not to hate and attack him, but that you could have done so, and that you are trying to be a better person than he has been to you in the past by being direct and open and honest with him. For me, it would be a good-bye letter. I think trying to get revenge tends to make a person bitter, angry, and negative.
On the other hand, you might decide to change the relationship into one of being just sexual buddies or friends with him, for those few days a few times per year. If you do that, just always remember that he has always had other "friends" and try not to make it more than it is.
And when you have sex with him, if you continue to do that, make sure that it's always SAFE sex, because of the risk of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Meanwhile, why not begin dating some of the other people that interest you (you mentioned having some opportunities in the past)? One of the new people might well be more interesting, more honest, more of a good match, and available more of the time to be with you!
Welcome to the Board...stick around and please do tell us what you decide.
Have a great day!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Why did you think he wouldn't do it to you????? and many others you don't even know?????
Trust is a thing that can not be built on a foundation of guilt and cheating relationships. If I were you I would go and find a nice boy friend from your own area, one that you can build a life with.... rather than his fantasy.
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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He was worthy or your love when you loved him. Simply consign him to the recycle bin and empty it.
It is the future you need to look to now.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Thank you all for responding. I really appreciate that.
I am feeling much better today.
I guess I need to stress that I love him more than anything. Sounds unreal, I know. You see, it was not sort of love at the first sight, when we first met I didn't love him as much as I do now. My love to him evolved in past 3 years. You know when you are in trouble, when suddenly all those silly love songs started to make sense to you. It's true he lives far away, but he always call me once a week just to chat.
I don't know how to explain this, but I really can't think of not seeing him again. And for sure it's not the sex part that plays the role here, though I admit it's simply out of this world to make love to him. But I didn't enjoy the sex part so much when we first met, guess my feeling to him changed everything. See, he is old, bald, big belly, fat (more than 200 lbs)... and he can even get hard anymore cause of his diabetic, but that's not what I see in him. The feeling is just undescribable whenever I am with him. If that's not love, then I don't know ...
Another thing, I was aware that he was always looking around before he met me. That's how he found my ads in Outpersonals. But he told me he stopped that cause he has me, that I gave him love and friendship, besides the sex part. I asked him before about his wife, he said it's okay because it's something she can't give him. I am not an angel, but sometimes I felt guilty of cheating on his wife. But I thought it's better than he plays around outside, it's more dangerous. Also I never took a single cent from him.
I think I will go with the advice from David in HK, I will send him all the proofs and say good bye. Do you think he will change when he got my email ? I still want to be with him .... Aaaahhhhhhhhh .....
Oh, the coming Monday is his 66th birthday, guess I should wait till Tuesday. I don't want to spoil his birthday ....
Silly boy,
Daniel
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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We need to fantasise about actions yet take none.
Something tells me that this may be the time for that.
And if you continue the sexual element, take heavyweight precautions
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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says that love is magical and mystical and when it happens it happens and there's no explaining it or forcing it.
It's easy to forgive those we love and it's difficult to discard friends, but you also need to do what's best for you and what's fair for him.
But, I also believe you are capable and worthy of finding love elsewhere, in a more healthy, fair relationship. Something to keep in mind.
I think Tim may have a good point - take your time and think about it. Think about why you asked us, how you feel about him, what kind of relationship is practical in the future.
You are among friends here - please keep in touch and meanwhile - * H U G *.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Someone very wise wrote:
"You should never act on any impulse that
requires hesitation."
You are hesitating on the hurt to someone
that you care for. That's because you are
a caring person. You might gain a bit of
satisfaction from the revenge but it would
hurt you more than him, believe me.
Tim's right........hesitate and think. You'll
make the right decision.
smith
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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Viel Glück, and my opinion is that you shoudl judge by your heart, cause only teh heart can answer your question, and not anyone here on this board. do what your heart says!
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I have been thinking all night and I guess I have decided to forgive him and do nothing about it.
Now I realize that I was asking for advice because I need some justification or supporting judgements for forgiving him. I love him too much to do otherwise. I know I am hopeless for things related to him, I just can't help it. I am sure some people will understand my decision.
Will keep you all inform if something happens ...
(((HUG)))
Daniel
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Welcome, Daniel. Stay and be a part of the family.
I think your resolution is a good one. But you probably guessed that anyway 
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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I’m guessing that this is your first love, right?
Well it’s because the first love always tends to be like this; you can’t let go!
But you should do something and here’s my opinion:
1. Destroy everything, I mean EVERYTHING that may remind you of him.
2. Tell him goodbye to avoid his calls and the painful reminders!
You will find that after a short time it will be easier and less and less painful. There’s a saying that goes like this “Away from the eyes, away from the heart” it’s true believe me BUT only if you have decided to forget him, if you keep reminding yourself you will never forget.
I know you’re in hell but it’s up to you to walk back into heaven. It just takes the strength to get up and walk.
Hey! I'm looking for a relationship so how about forgetting him with me huh? 
I'm sorry i haven't included my e-mail. But very recently I’ve had a horrid experience of SPAM I’ll leave it up to you to figure out a way to contact me if you want.
Sincerely
MT
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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I was the expert in one sided. It has a value, though an imperfect one. I hid inside mine until I was ready to walk outside it.
I can tell you that the air is sweeter outside, but that when inside I did not dare leave the building.
The merits and value of a one sided love evaporate over time.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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It is better to go without.....
Although everlasting undying all encompassing love is a wonderful thing..... If it is all onesided it is only a phantasm of reality.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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If he is getting tricks from other guys....... His heart is in his groin....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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For a limited time they have a valid place. But I do appreciate that the duration should be short.
Daniel's in love, and needs to work this out gently. Knee jerk reaction will hurt HIM more than his lover.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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you were right, MT. This is my first love. I don't think I am ready to let him go at the moment ... maybe later, if ever ....
Anyway, thanks for your offer ... btw where is your location? 
Ciao,
Daniel
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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After all that’s been said –which btw covers almost everything that CAN generally be said about such matters– I tell you this:
I’m 28 and I’ve been (and have seen many others) where you are now, so don’t worry. Everything will be alright (time indeed heals all wounds), and all of this will be just a memory to learn from, it won’t even be a painful one. Just take your time, it doesn’t matter if it’s sooner or later and remember, you’re the only one who can work it out.
I say all this assuming that you WANT to end the relationship. To help you make sure of that put yourself out of your shoes for a while and look at it from an outsider’s eyes. Now, what do you see? Compare it with what I see will you?
I see two people. On of them is in love (X). The other is merely having fun (Y). X enjoys the company of Y, melting in love, not knowing Y’s true feelings. Y can see that the only way he can keep having fun with X is by telling him there’s no other. It goes on for a time until X finds out that Y has lied. What should X do? I think the right question is what does X WANT?
1. Does X want a real love? One in which there’s no one else but the two of them? If so then X should look elsewhere, ‘cos if one can’t find what one’s looking for, one should search elsewhere simply because it’s not to be found where he is. Whether X can do this or not depends entirely on X, we are just outside observers coldly using logic.
2. Can X ignore Y’s lies and continue the relationship just for fun and until something better comes along?
3. What about Y? Isn’t it possible that Y may feel bored with X and end the relationship himself?
You see, many, many possible routes exist and no matter how many we can think of, the end for each and every one is the end of their relationship. There’s one exception though; what if Y falls in love with X? The possible results will be very different then. But can that happen? Logic says no, because if it didn’t happen in three years time it will never happen.
Now, put yourself back in your shoes. There’s no logic now. There’s only this feeling that cannot be argued with, I know. But there’s also a will. The will to do what that feeling is preventing. I’m not asking you to will yourself to forget everything; the love you still feel is too strong for that. Just will yourself to stay away. Not backed up by his love, yours will fade with time. Oh and you need to keep in mind that what he feels for you isn’t love otherwise he wouldn’t have looked for others!
You can contact me at deep_love_seeker@yahoo.com
My heart aches with yours
MT
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Well I'm one of those who believe that if you LOVE someone you don't CHEAT on that person. 4 me cheaters are nothing more than SCUMS! I can't help it but that's how I feel.
I do believe you love him and all but if he really love you as much he wouldn't be with other guys and Okay I can understand that he feels it's hard to leave his wife but since he has been with other guys I think you should leave him and find someone who has eyes ONLY for YOU!
Now if this was ME I would have done everything I have told you even though I would take someone about 40 years younger! heheh
Josie
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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For people to make suggestions and say what they would or wouldn't do...but they aren't in the situation. Listen to people's advice of course, but in the end it's ultimately your own decision, needing to do what's right for you is going to be the end result.
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