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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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I have so far exorcised three.
John went, all bar the shouting, in September, and the 5% that stayed is dwindling.
There was another one, Tim. I met him by email, we chatted, and he then stopped chatting. That was in the winter.
Yesterday Paul (he over whom I was outed) went. Obsessive boy that I am, I remembered his birthday. 14 June 1956. I fonud his website and sent him a casual email a couple of weeks ago, and another around monday. No reply. Yesterday I was a total fool, and sent him a bluemountain card (you KNOW when these have ben read). He has read it, which means he got the other mail, and he has not replied.
Three major ghosts gone. If oyu need to see their faces they are on the rogues gallery.
Somehow the others have lost any power, too.
And no, I never declared love, lust or anythying to anyone except John, and he was too weak a man even to acknowledge it. They just none of them had any interest in me.
It's a peaceful feeling
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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No Message Body
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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It’s like a weight that’s been lifted from your chest! A nice feeling isn’t it? ENJOY!
My heart goes out for you Tim!
BTW, I’m halfway through the short stories and they are wonderful!
Keep writing!
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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I can now look at the pictures of laid ghosts without a twinge of erotic interest. I can see their faces and make judgements about actual and perceived beauty and no longer lie to myself.
I can look at this one and see a clown:
he was ok looking, but not the beauty I thought
I can look at this one and see a child, not a pretty or alluring boy
I can look at this one and see a tarty flirt and in so many ways a sad boy, especially when I look at the larger, adult photograph as he is today:
And as an adult
The thing is they were NOT the boys of my dreams, not one of them. Not even the little bastard at the top whom I thought I loved, but was actually obsessed with. Him I no longer like. I am not even fond of him any more.
I worked out that, gay or not, what I really wanted was a friend. ANY friend. Any friend at all.
When I've tried to rekindle even friendship from my past I find I am rejected. Almost always, not always. A rare shining light is Ray, the man who knew I was gay as a kid. So far all others have said "hi and bye" or not even that.
I like my new friends so much more than the false frineds of the past
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Well I carry pictures in my head of so many boys from my past. I re-ran the photo album in my mind.
They are no longer relevant, nor even interesting. A set of pictures, only that. Faded and scrunched at the corners, faded and going fast
I think it's a good feeling
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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Bloody right! It IS a good feeling and it gets better with time.
My own experience, from the time I had that feeling until recently when I was reminded, goes like this:
Imagine that you have long ago closed your eyes to some painful sight. So long ago that you happily forgot they are closed, and then suddenly something happens to you (or sneaks upon you) and makes you remember that they’re closed. Oh it’s so easy to open them again you wonder why it took so much strength to close them, but when you open them you remember also why you closed them in the first place. When they were open you used to cry to ease the pain, now, no matter how hard you try you can’t bring forth the relieving tears… your eyes have lost the ability to do that for they were closed a long time. But then you find that it’s easy to close them again and forget it all, only that you feel sorry for yourself for having to close them again and you ask yourself WHY do I have to suffer that sight. A short (very short) time later even the self pity goes away and you're a happy human being again!
Well… I guess that’s life, eh?
Happy 4u and always here should you need me!
Luv
MT
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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I am not going to close my eyes again. But the light is very bright still
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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Will it ever dim?
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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My eyes wil lget used to the brightness. At present I am squinting
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Good for you - congrats! 
Finally 
Re: And the others? 
