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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I got a laugh out of this. This is for our
Canadian friends  Hi,Tim
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship
with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfound-
land in October, 1995.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees
to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course
15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course!
Canadians: No, I say again, you must divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, the
second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.
We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers,
and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change
your course 15 degrees north. I say again, thats' one-five
degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to
ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: Well, this is a lighthouse. Your call.
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I think the captain of that ship had eaten a few too many of those penis enlargement pills you keep getting offers of, smith! Sometimes Americans are just too damn cocky for their own good... 
ROFL!
THANK YOU!
-Lenny
PS: No offense meant towards Americans in general, especially not Americans with small penises.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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it was a funny joke ....hehehe back to the top
later
tim
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Having been a merchant seaman for 15 years I can tell you we always gave them a wide berth.
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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A submarine. Okay, so I cheated and spelled it wrong.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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[smith bangs his head against the monitor screen]
Noooooooo! The return of the joke from hell.
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That was a great joke man, don't be ashamed of it!
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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OOPS you spilled down a few...BACK TO THE TOP YOU GO....HEHEHE
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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GOT TO KEEP THIS POST ON TOP OF THE PAGE
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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No Message Body
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I go away for a day or two and find that "IT" is
still alive..........
Okay...you must be asking for yet another 'wonderful'
smith joke [everyone runs amuck,shrieking "NO!"
Okay..........here goes..
The teacher asks Little Johnny a math question. "If
there are three blackbirds sitting on a wire and you
shoot one, how many will be left?"
Johnny replies, "There wouldn't be none left."
The teacher says, "No,there would be two left."
Johnny replies, "No Ma'am, cause if you shoot one,
the others will fly away."
The teacher is shocked at his logic. "I like the way
you think," she praises him.
Johnny asks if he can ask her a question. "Three
ladies are sitting on a park bench.One is eating an
apple,one is eating a pear and one is eating a banana.
Which one is married?
The teacher thinks for a minute, blushes and replies,
"I guess....the one with the banana."
"No, teacher, it's the one with the wedding ring, but..
..........I like the way you think."
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Naughty 15 year old boys posting bad jokes will be ridiculed to no end and their jokes shall be doomed to stay on top forever.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Michael Simon
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 92
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wish my daughter was 15 and comes home with jokes....good one
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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No Message Body
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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but you are back in your rightful palce on top of the heap of "stuff"....hehehe
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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No Message Body
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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you guys must really enjoy horrid jokes..........
and pickin' on poor innocent me >>snicker<<
A chicken and a egg are lying in bed. The chicken
is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied grin on his
face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I
guess we answered THAT question."
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One can't possibly believe it! Very naughty, keep up the good job!
Btw, HENS lay eggs, but I don't want to spoil a good joke. LOL!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another with the size of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour, and the bartender got tired of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put an end to all this crap and find out who's lying and who isn't. Each of you whip out your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did. Just at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping voice, he said, "No thanks, I'll just have some of the buffet."
Think good thoughts,
e
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone." A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"
Think good thoughts,
e
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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keep up the good work smith
later tim
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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smith, a young lad of fifteen
Posted jokes not fit to be seen
They caused quite a rage
But because of his age
This last line cannot be obscene.
hehehe
Think good thoughts,
e
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...but ROFL!
Kid, that one was the best/naughtiest one yet!
-Lenny
PS: If it's Michael Jackson jokes, it's always little Timmy getting in trouble.
PPS: Wonder what mischief little Johnny and little Timmy could get up to together...? 
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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STOP YOUR SELF WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD GRIEF MAN IS THERE NO END TO THIS JOKE THREAD?
HAVE A NICE DAY
TIM...OF USA
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I just heard this one and LMAO
How many gays does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer(with a feminine lisp): why change it? can't we just accept it as it is?
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
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No Message Body
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Way to go smith! Fighting poetry with poetry. How are you with movie titles?
And of course another groaner.
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a packet of condoms.
"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." The pharmacist says.
"Well, I am, "replies the man.
"You'll have to prove it," says the pharmacist.
So The man rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the pharmacist and finally gets his condoms. A few days later, the same man goes back to the same pharmacist to get some flea powder for his dog.
"Got a dog license?" the pharmacist asks.
The man reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog licence and is finally handed his flea powder. The next day he's back in the shop and hands the pharmacist a screw-top-jar.
"Here, smell this," he tells the pharmacist.
"The chemist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.
"Shit!" cries the pharmacist, wrinkling his nose.
"Correct," says the man. "Now two rolls of toilet paper, please."
Think good thoughts
e
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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I thought that it is a test tube!!
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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Well then give us a non-horrid joke!!
like...maybe...this on?
The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears."
He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to
myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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I once heared a similar one:
Q: How many men does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: only one; men can screw anything!
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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I'm too shy to say what I would've done...Buffet Indeed!!
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one of them exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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... AND you get to be back on top
OK here goes:
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
TOP REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
 Two people of the same sex can have chocolate together without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
TOP TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD DO IF HE WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if they could finally do a split
7. See if it is truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less then 20 minutes before closing time
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too…
And the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina?
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot
TOP TEN THINGS THAT A WOMAN WOULD DO IF SHE WOKE UP WITH A PENIS FOR A DAY:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fasinating about beating the meat
7. Pee standing up while talking to another man at the urinal
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction, which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement
And, the number one thing that a woman would do if she woke up with a penis?
1. Repeat #9
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.
The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?"
Why Email is Like a Penis
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power.
They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior.
Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
Phew.......
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. The difficult part is getting them inside in the first place
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Divert Your Course ! 
I hope it just
Whats round and hard and full of semen? 
Sorry, smith, but I think everyone loves groaners! 
Night of the Living Thread 
