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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I just don't know what to do anymore!!!.......I found out today that my dad had a massive heart attack yesterday.....is in the hospital....needing some kinda major surgery.
And I just don't know what or how to feel right now!!!
I mean I don't know if I should feel concern for him or what...........it's just a long story, that I REALLY don't want to get into.
Apart of me does feel concerned about him..........then another part of me feels angry!! The man (who I really don't like calling dad) has a massive heart attack and lives. A man who's drinking was more important to him then his own kids. Yet my sister, who was a good hearted person who would do anything for anyone.......has a heart attack and dies.....at the age a 33. A man who only worried about where his next beer was, lives through his ........... grrrr....I just don't know what to feel right now. It is not like I want to see him dead or anything. In fact I don't know if I want to see him....which is another problem. Do I try to call or go see him?....I just don't know!!! I saw him for the 1st time in more then ten years at my sisters funeral............just over 6 months ago. His family have been trying to keep in contact with us (my brother and I). His sister asked us if we wanted anything from Memphis....her and her husband are there for the Elvis 25th anniversary thingy for his death. She is one of the ones who puts all this shit together......she is at least trying I guess........and it's been like 25 plus years since I saw her last.
I am just totally lost I what I should do!!!.......or how to feel!!
It is just one thing after another..........when the hell is it going to stop?
When am I going to be able to close my eyes and not have to relive every minute of the day my sister died and the days that followed?.....I can't sleep at night coz that is all I think of. I can not listen to music coz I hear a song that riminds me of her.....can't got out to eat at certain places coz it reminds me of her.......grrrr.......I am just sooooo frustrated with it already!!!
Now when I think of her, I think of my dad.....why did he get to live and she dies...........it's not fair!!!....I don't understand how this world works sometimes!!!!
Don't get me wrong it's not like I want to see him dead.....I just don't understand why one life is saved over another.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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All I can do is to tell you how normal your feelings are
Brad, do not let yourself head back into depression. You are strong enough to get through this, though your strength will be tested somewhat.
Let yourself keep in touch with the other part of the family, doing it as a pleasure, if you can
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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brad,
i know how you are feeling right now. it was not my sister that died first it was my mom, god bless her. my dad and your dad are cut from the same cloth yet the pain and misery with my dad also include years of abuse, you name it he did it.
ok back to the point, my mom was the glue that held my family together and was the one to put up with my dad for all those years, she was also abused by him but for some reason only she knew she stayed with him and kept our 'family' as close as she could. she would drop what ever she had going to run to any of our homes to help out and be there for any one that needed help or support, bottom line she was AWESOME!!!!!
my dad on the other hand thought the world revolved arond him, needless to say i did not and dont like him that much.
well 5 years ago my mom was told that she had brest cancer and had to go through major sugery and chemo...no fun at all. believe it or not she beat the brest cancer only to be told 6 weeks later that she now had skin cancer, i sat at a hospital for months and watched the strongest woman i have ever known wither away, and never once did my dad come to spend any real time with my mom. oh sure he stopped in every day to say hi and sit for like 10 min, that was the extent of his carring. my mom died 3 years ago, which to me was the best answer to her pain.
dear old dad took the life insurance money and went on vacation with it, i paid for my moms funeral.
my dad had a major heart attack a year ago and the had 4 strokes and finally died, as you can see i dont really care one way or another about his death, that may sound cold and uncaring but when he did die my attatude was more like "oh well"
i guess the reason i sort of dumped all this out for you is to say its ok to not really care or to care in small amounts. no one can tell you how to feel or to feel more or less you just feel the way you do and thats thats. if everone else....like my family... is all upset and torn apart by what is going on and you just donnt feel the sam you are intitled to feel that way.
its not that i out and out hated my father but i just did not care for the man at all, good or bad. if thats how you feel then give your self permission to feel that way,(like that made any sense)
ok i am babbling now so ill end this here
peace
tim...of USA
post some more bro i'd love to be here for you and help in any way i can.
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...Whichever of the two you happen to subscribe to.
(If you're religious, substitute fate with whatever deity of your choice.  )
Regardless, life has a tendency to fling crap in our face like an enraged primate, and doing it for little or no reason at all. It's difficult to say, 'just take it with a smile!', because smiling is sometimes far, far beyond our power. I know out of experience.
If you need someone to talk with, about important stuff or completely inane stuff or whatever, you're welcome to send me an email... Clickie above on my name, it's a hyperlink.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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It is always difficult when family members get sick or die. Especially when it is this close together. No one can tell you what to feel, or even what you shouold feel. Your feelings are your own. Simply allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling.
When you close your eyes, when you eat at certain restaurants, when you listen to music, try and remember the good things about your sister. Think of the things that made you love her and care so deeply for her. Concentrate and focus on those things. I know it won't be easy at first. But if you put forth the effort, these things will bring back pleasant memories instead of painful ones. Focus on the positive.
See your father if YOU want to. Don't see him if that is what YOU want. Don't allow other relatives to force you into something YOU really don't want.
But please don't cause yourself added pain and anguish by worrying about how the world works or why you father was spared instead of your sister. You nor anyone else has control over such things. These events are not related. They are two seperate occurrances. Mourn the loss of your sister as a completely seperate thing from the illness suffered by your father. Deal with yor father's illness as a completely seperate thing from the death of your sister. Looking at them as related events will simply cause more pain and anguish.
I will think good thoughts for you,
e
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I am feeling better now!!
I guess I was just in a bit of shock when I heard about my "dad".....I just got major flash backs of when my sister died. I tried to analize it to way to much......trying to answer the all time, number one question.....what is the meaning of life?
So this weekend I am going to take it easy and relax.....forget about these last few months and have some fun!!! Tomorrow night (Saturday) I am going to go see Lifehouse in concert.....then Sunday night I am going to go see Carrot Top. Maybe a few other concerts during the week.....oh yeah and Creedence Clearwater Revisted.
Thanks again!!
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