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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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It's time to come clean , I think, about a number of things.
First of all, who am I, and what brought me here? Well, in admitting this I'm much influenced by what Jack has written in the post below. Tim already knows. I am, I suppose, bisexual on any clinical definition, and my sexual experience started at a relatively early age (seven, if the roseate glow isn't obscuring my memory!) with girls, and in the pretty traditional way of playing 'Doctors and Nurses' - not at all original, I'm afraid; see, for example the experiences related by Laurie Lee in 'Cider with Rosie'. It developed into a hotter relationship, with a different girl, which lasted from 10 to 12, and involved all sorts of experimenting, including junior S/M and most of the other deviations to which Nifty devotes a section. At that age, I didn't know too much about love, but I think I loved her, and I know I loved what we did together. Then her family emigrated to Canada. I was devastated. Slowly I came to realise that what I longed for was sexual contact; gender was of minor importance. I found a new sexual partner without too much difficulty. Did you ever play 'Truth, Dare, Force or Promise' as a kid? It offers endless follow-up opportunities! The new relationship was even more exciting, and my new partner was a boy. Like so many relationships at that age, it didn't last too long, but there were many others, mostly male, in my teenage years; a couple quite serious for a time. Then, at 22, I found my self in a cross-generation relationship with a 13-year-old
boy. I don't want to elaborate here, but it really was love, and it lasted for six years before we both concluded that it wasn't our destiny in life. We stayed friends, but I sought solace in str8 relationships, married, and had a family. I am monogamous, faithful and together, with a family I love dearly, and of which I am extremely proud. But I was always conscious of my past, and it didn't take too long for me to reconcile myself to the inevitable and to accept that I was essentially gay. Acceptance is all very well, but living a lie screwed me up. I had periods of suicidal depression, and my world was falling apart. Then I found Tim's site, and read his story. His example gave me the courage to come out to my wife. I owe him, as the saying goes, big time! My life has changed tremendously, though I'm still monogamous, faithful and married - and both my kids are comfortably str8 teenagers. I even have the chance to use my experience of confusion to help others. It's all due to Tim, even though he didn't know it. He has known since it happened, a couple of years ago. That's why I would never misuse his board - and I hope no-one thinks I HAVE misused it.
So what was I up to? Well, in my time (and not all that long a time!) I've been down most sexual roads, done most sexual things, and collected more T-shirts than most. In the light of my own experience I have formed the firm view - shared by almost all the medical friends with whom I raise the issue with boring frequency! - that gayness owes much more to nurture than to nature. I know that's a minority view in this company (and I'm not trying to start another debate here!) but I do sincerely believe that sexual orientation, and deviant sexual preference, owes a great deal to our experiences - not necessarily conscious experiences - as we develop in life. So it naturally follows that I believe that it is possible to turn someone on to S/M by exposing him (or her, I suppose) to the genre. Now whilst I am not drawn to S/M - though, as Jack rightly observes, I do acknowledge its allure - I don't think it is an easy path to follow, and I wouldn't wish to encourage anyone in that direction. That does't mean I would try to DIScourage them - I'm trying to be practical, not moral. That is the belief that underlies my postings.
There's a bit more to it than that, though! As I say above, I do have an underlying belief; I don't think I could pursue an argument that I didn't believe in. But I'm a fixer by profession, and thus must be a pragmatist. I know, and knew from the outset, that in real terms the siting of the story on the front page, or on page 17, would make little difference. Hence it never mattered to me that I should win the debate; what I wanted to do was provoke thought about the issue.
I confess that I am surprised, and perhaps a little disappointed, to have had so little support for my views, except from Marc - and let no-one forget that Marc had good reason to feel more strongly than I about the issue. I am especially disappointed to have been misunderstood as an advocate of censorship when I have spent my life opposing it. In particular, I am disappointed at the assumption some have made that I was criticising Jack's story. I never was. It impressed me greatly when I first read it, and in my zeal to be objective I have now read it three times. Each time I am more impressed. That simply wasn't the point.
Overall, though, I'm delighted by what has been achieved here. We've collectively generated as much traffic on the board in a week as it had seen in the previous three months. People have thought. People have expressed their thoughts. That's what I thought was so marvellous about Tim's board when I first found it. A thoroughly confused young gay, by a single posting, protected by a firewall of anonymity, would be left in no doubt that he had found friends, and all the support he desired. I know that the site has much to commend it, but the board is the easiest breakthrough for anyone who is unsure and insecure.
So please, Brian, Trey, Mihangel, Charlie, Bester, Ien et al - keep posting here, keep arguing, but above all keep talking on the board. This is a precious resource, and its survival depends upon you all. And above all, Jack, please stay with us. We may have points of disagreement, but your writing convinced me of your integrity and everything you have said here has served to increase my respect for you. You have much to give and - I would suggest - an opportunity and perhaps a duty to use your very considerable skill to help others.
In closing - with respect, as always, to Tim - there is one argument advanced against me that I cannot accept. I know that Tim is the proprietor of the board, and thus has the freedom to control its content. But with freedom comes responsibility. To suggest otherwise takes us back to our murky feudal past. You've heard of the right of droit de seigneur? The gay equivalent would be the right of your boss to fuck your boyfriend on the day you gave a commitment to each other. Crude imagery, but accurate - and fortunately Tim is an enlightened proprietor!
"Lord, I am but a grain of sand on the sea-floor of life, but I long to change the tides. I pray for the courage to meet the task I have set for myself, but I ask your help to ensure that in the pursuit of my ambition I may never forget that every grain of sand shares my right to fulfillment and happiness."
Cossie XLIV
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