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I'm becoming addicted to your emails, please drop me a line, preferably soon(ish)...
Oh darn it, I need to vent! BADLY!
Ok, standard naughty disclaimer. Not so bad this time, but you never know. Some people might be sensitive.
...Naughty-space...
Saw another cutie today, let's call him Blonde. He wasn't quite blonde actually, but I feel like calling him that anyway so SUE me okay! 
Anyway... Blonde was nice and young, not that young is all I turn on to. Asian Dreamboy (whom have faded considerably for me now) is almost as old as I am and way hot too just as an example. He was short too, maybe about 175-ish cm, good-looking bordering on pretty, soft body (as opposed to hard-pumped;), but still really attractive. He had shaved armpits and totally smooth skin without needing to shave; no hair at all except the groin (which was only a few mm:s). And his nipples were quite exquisite you could say, very large for a guy and pink and sort of cone-shaped. Rather feminine in a way actually.
Nothing REALLY happened; he didn't want to do much of anything other than get an erection and look at other guys' erections. Something confused/annoyed me though... Who does Blonde leave with in the end? Me?
No, of course not. Some FUCKING OLD GUY, that's who...!
He let one man feel him up in the shower a while before I was leaving, I caught glimpses of them at least twice (the man would jump away when spotted). And this guy was nowhere near attractive. He definitely had to be over 40 (so MORE than twice as old as Blonde), a bit fat, bald on top of his head.
Ummm, I know I ain't exactly Herb Ritts material, but I was at least 3x better looking than that dude. So WHY did Blonde let him do it? And why did they sneak off together (into a different dressing room than mine, so I had no way of knowing if they just went into a toilet together or really got dressed and left in each other's company). Was it because the guy was well-equipped? Was there money and/or presents involved? Or does Blonde simply LIKE older men? This kind of gnaws at me, I feel I would be better for him than that old fart!  (I don't mean that all men above 40 are old farts; I'm talking about THIS man in particular because I don't like him.)
Ghhhnnn...!
Oh well, I did get my dick blown. That was pretty darn nice...
Anyway, I have been thinking about why I do these things. It's nice in a way, but also stressful. Nice, because, well, it IS nice. Stressful, because it's not really what I want (as I've said before), and I keep meeting guys whom are uninterested in pursuing any kind of relationship with me, which is just enormously annoying. But it's a rather nice way to kind of shore up my flagging self-esteem too... It's not that I can't express myself any other way, but it does feel good to be attractive in the eyes of someone else. Especially people like Cutie and Blonde.
This is a truly double-edged sword. You know what I'm saying?
Can I please have some input here? Not pointing fingers or such (I don't take well to that), but...input. Whatever you can offer, I know it's not easy what I'm asking for... Thanks.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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The closer we get to election day the more stuff I have to do. I will respond to this post tonight when I get home. And send you a letter.
I am a precinct captain, so I have alot of work to do.
And today I came home to take my new little kitty Shadow, to the vet for a check up.
Talk to ya soon.
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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As wonderful as your gym sounds, it also sounds like a pick up spot where folks go for a one night (afternoon?) stand. There may be other there who are looking for longer relationships and sooner or later you may find one there. Remember your commitment to having good days and start enjoying the good things that you ARE finding. Stop dwelling so much on the negatives. Frequently the difference between a good day and a bad one is whether you spend more time dwelling on positives or negatives. In other words, it's your frame of mind. It's not easy to change old habits and you have an old habit of focusing on negatives. It'll take a lot of work and effort to change that, but it can be done. Wake up and tell yourself that you ARE going to have a good day then go out and do something for yourself. Even if things don't quite work the way you'd like take away the positives that do happen (there will always be some), focus on those and forget the rest.
You saw another cute guy today. You got blown. Even if the guy left with someone else, the first two have to have made your day better than if you had simply stayed in your apartment.
Think good thoughts. I put that at the end of all my messages as much for myself as for everyone else. It's a reminder of what I need to do to have a good day.
Think good thoughts,
e
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I agree with e, Lenny! Focusing on the "good enough for today" is really really difficult. I myself have the tendency sometimes to focus on the one negative thing rather than the two positive things in my days, especially this year!
Blonde probably finds older guys attractive. Speaking as one of the older guys of the world, I personally thank the Gods for younger guys who fall for older ones. That's how I met Man, after all!
Patience is one of the harder virtues to develop. The good news about it, I guess, is that it CAN be developed, as you have been finding out in other areas...
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Rejection is tough for most people. I think the trick (no pun intened) is to keep looking for what you want.
While picking apples, you found one with a worm in it. You took the only good part. Keep picking, you will find a whole apple some time.
Gosh that was cheesey!
Hugs,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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I'll talk more to you in private.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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...I am not capable of just ignoring my focusing on the negative. It's too much of an old habit, and since I live alone (very alone too at that) it's completely and utterly impossible to stop thinking of these sort of things. If I had other things to preoccupy myself with, then it would be much less of an issue.
Also, to clear things up... It's not really my REGULAR gym (like I've said before, but maybe you people forget, or I confuse you or whatever ), my regular gym is no hot-spot at all, I've only CLEARLY identified two gays there over the approx. 6 months I've been frequenting it, with a few faint pings smattered inbetween that could just as well be me imagining things.
The pick-up spot is part of the same chain, and the reason it's a pick-up spot is its extreme closeness to the swimming arena and the fact it's much smaller and less frequented. My regular gym has over 4000 members and afternoons especially is very crowded, this other place is much smaller in every respect.
And while it may be a pick-up spot, is it too much to hope to find someone willing to be picked up for an extended period of time, permanently even, perhaps?
I mean, that's what *I* want...
-Lenny
(A hopeless romantic at heart.)
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Like I told you, I went shopping. (To those of you whom I have rambled to about my minidisc player, this should bring a smile to your lips... Hold on to yout hats, hehe!)
Got me the jacket I wanted, it's the same brand as the one I bought for my trip to England in august; Everest.
I tell you this: if you find an Everest item in a sports goods store, take a long, hard look at it, because everything about it is superb (in my opinion at least); workmanship, materials, design, fit... Everything. The devil is indeed in the details, and this jacket has got just about every detail right and quality in spades.
It has nine pockets. (!) Two at the front where you usually find pockets on jackets, two halfway up, plus another on the left hidden near the zipper for your cellphone or 'audio device', complete with a nice hole to the inside through which you can pull the headphones cord. There's even a small sleeve in there to hold your cellphone firmly so it won't bounce around and get worn or scratched. Better have a fairly modern unit though, or it won't fit. My Nokia 8310 really likes it there though.
It's got another two pockets on the inside of the detachable fleece liner (which if unzipped/buttoned from the jacket and turned inside out becomes a comfy sweater!), plus another large pocket on the inside. Finally, there's a small skipass-holder pocket on the left sleeve.
It has elastic adjustment bands around both the lower part and the midsection, a ventilation opening on the back (covered by a flap with reflex stripes on it) and an adjustable/detachable hood. Only part I'm a little dissatisfied about is that the flap that goes over the front zipper has velcro patches that keeps it closed; I prefer buttons. But this is a minor thing really.
I really like this jacket already. Only worn it for about an hour so far, but it's REALLY NICE. It has taped seams and water repellant treatment to withstand rain, is windproof, and has all those nice pockets that I mentioned. I just love pockets! I always tend to carry lots of stuff on me and I hate it when I can't fit everything easily.
Wasn't that expensive either, around US$130 or so (actually a bit less since the Crown has gone up a little compared to the dollar).
I also Bought a pair of Everest anti-piling fleece gloves with thinsulate lining. They seem excellent from what little I've worn them, and again not expensive. I think I have to go look for some Everest pants... But now I'm nearly broke of course, so it will have to wait a couple weeks.
TRYING to think good thoughts, but it's not easy. I do like to go shopping though! And I had a nice pasta buffet lunch and took a calming forest walk also for about an hour after coming home. No loved one to hold hands with, but come see me and I'll show you all my favorite routes (hope you have good legs!)...
Lots of warm hugs 2 U:
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Unlike your typical American male, I do love to shop and for darn near anything. Walking is good too and as long as it is not too much up hill or too warm (I tend to sweat like a pig), I'm just fine and I LOVE the forest. Especially if I get to go to my favorite spot, Sequioa National Park. I don't get there often, the last time was our honeymoon in 1997. But there is nothing I've found that compares to standing under one of those giants in the chilled autumn air while the evening fog settles in. It's quite eerie. The first time I went to the Giant Forest it was mid October. I arrived at dusk. I had a tape of Wagner that began playing The Ride of the Valkerie(sp?) as I got off my motorcycle. It sent a chill up my spine. I envisioned that scene from The Wizard of Oz where the winged monkeys were flying over the forest. It was so real I actually began to expect to see them. I didn't have anyone to hold hands with either. I was very alone. But at that moment I didn't care.
Glad to see you are enjoying yourself. Keep doing those little things and PRACTICE thinking good thoughts.
((HUGS}}
Think good thoughts,
e
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I didn't realize there were two gyms. But something had confused me a bit about your descriptions so I guess that was it. No it is not too much to hope to find someone who may want an extended relationship at a pick up spot. Just don't be disappointed if it takes a while. I used to frequent bars with my buddies when I was in college that were great places to pick up women (it was in the days when I was trying to convince everyone including myself that I was hetero). I rarely had enough success at finding even a one night stand. Finally, as a senior, I succeeded in finding a young lady who was interested in the long term and we dated until I graduated and moved to LA (nearly a year). But it took three years worth of going to such places.
Lenny, you ARE capable of CHANGING your focus. It won't be easy, but it can be done. Just keep telling yourself that you ARE going to have a good day. Remind yourself often that you are going to focus on the positive. If you need to post little signs around your apartment that say "Think Positive" or some other such thing. Make sure they are where you will see them and they can be constant reminders.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Kevin, why haven't you mailed me? 
Re: Have patience Lenny 
Hey Lenny .... 
