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warren c. e. austin
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Likes it here |
Location: Toronto, Ontario, CANADA
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 247
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... unlike many, if not all here, at A Place of Safety , I have never been a victim of the anguish and torment usually attrubuted to, and associated with coming to terms with, my sexuality.
I have always known; and if the truth be told, so have everyone who has ever come into contact with me. This has included both parents, my then three surviving grand-parents at the time of my birth and later declaration of my being "Gay" (which, when it occurred was somewhat of an event in of itself, and sometime I jusy might explain), my elder brother, friends and associates.
This is not to say I'm visibly homosexual, either in manner, or physical characteristic, but more of the nature of my personality, and how my sexuality bubbles to the surface in often the most unexpected ways in much of what I have ever done, and will likely do, until the day I die.
I have no shame about who I am, nor do I have great regret about choices I've made along the way.
I've said I feel out of sync here; but that is not to say I don't feel "at home"; in many respects I do; if no other reason that I might just be able to contribute a thought or two in response to anothers need to understand that not everyone has to have suffered through all the usual suspects to come to grips with their own very unique and often disturbing foibles and peccadillios.
We individually, and collectively, can and do feel pain; we all suffer uncertainty; we all should have compassion for others in distress; we should exibit a generosity of spirit; we should always provide a helping hand when warranted; we all, and none of would be human if we didn't, need to share our triumphs - even those little successes - with someone.
It it for all these reasons, that I seem to have been destined to find my way here, and so I have come; and I will remain. Outside of both my sons, with the single exception of n\my brother and his two daughters, all of my most immediate family have all gone. I no longer have any close friends. I buried the last of them not quite three years ago. I have for the past four years been living with my elder brother at the request of his two daughters in the, it now transpires, futile hope of healing his chronic problems with an abusive nature aggravated by alcohol. I would appear to have been pointless, as he really is not seeking any healing, and I've painfully come to the conclusion, truly chooses to be tha way he is, and uses the device of the booze to justify his overall behaviour feeling that we all will excuse him because of it. I'll be moving on in a short while. I no longer excuse him. I no longer have any compassion regarding his situation; in fact I find I don't even like him. His daughters aside from having begged me to take care of their father have provided me no support in the endeavour, and in fact scuttle me at every turn. I find I don't like them very much either, and once I relocate, will never again have anything to so with the three of them.
So you see I am very much alone.
Warren C. E. Austin
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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You're right, you don't have to be a tormented soul to be here.
Where I see your invaluable resource as a friend is the fact that you ARE at ease with your sexuality, a condition many here are trying to come to terms with.
It is by your example, your attitude about your place in the world that inspires a glimmer of hope in the hearts of many of the less comfortable souls here.
As far as being alone, here, never...
It is just that simple... Here you have friends and we care about you...
I hope you find a nice place when you leave your brother's house... Ahhh, I'm sure you will...
Just my opinion,
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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the scholar
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Toe is in the water |
Location: England
Registered: August 2002
Messages: 59
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Don't ever feel alone - you were there when I needed you to be and I thank God every day for the kind words of support I received from you at that time. It brings tears to my eyes (I have always been an emotional sod) to think that you feel alone when there is so much love in this place and I wish I could be there for you. I often find I am lonely, but NEVER alone - there is a difference.
TS
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...And that's why I like you!  You manage to be both straight-to-the-point and offering up bits and pieces of yourself, as well as opinions, all at the same time.
I find that not only very refreshing, but also gifted. That your family and close ones have chosen to spurn you is truly THEIR loss.
Like you, I never had any trouble regarding my sexuality. Curiously, I found I liked other guys ever since I became sexually aware (at the age of five or so). Maybe I am somewhat unique in that regard, I don't know. However, my sexuality is not what drove me to come here, I have other reasons for coming, and for staying, despite the sometimes almost overwhelming urge to just give up and shun the entire world. As a recovering drug addict might fight his impulses to get high, so do I wage a constant battle with this. And it is extremely demanding, that I can tell you.
The fact I feel I got cheated out of my childhood coupled with the fact I am entering the middle years of my life with very few friends and little to no future prospects makes this even more difficult.
But there's always people like you around to act as a bit of a shining beacon in the darkness, Warren. I thank you in the most sincere way I possibly can, for you being you, and you being here. Thank you. Please continue just like you do now.
:):)
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Warren, as always, your thoughts are wonderfully clear... 
