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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Remember Stephen
Gabriel Duncan
The things I do. Decisions I make that can damn me for life. Like last weekend when I didn’t use a condom. The two guys before him that were the same. And I fucking gloat about this. I feel proud because I have some sort of bragging rights. But I did this because it felt good. Because it was fun. And now my body is itchy and red. Because he shaved me right before we had sex again. I took it like a champ, yeah. Even he gave me the option of a condom. But I declined. We can chalk this one up to the self-destructive thoughts that nothing can stop me now, ‘cause I don’t care anymore. And here’s that itchy reminder of my body . . . . Just like that fucking hickey I had when I cheated on the one before him with that slut. Yeah, I was gloating about that, too. I’m a fucking pimp. Because I’m a fucking slut. My body. Something so profound, trivialized and misused by yours truly. There’s no one else here to blame. I sorta wish there was.
I should stop right now before I get hurt. Before I get AIDS. But, why? This has become all I know. This sort of insecurity. This shit in my head that leads me to prove to other people that I am not a unique and beautiful snowflake. This shit in my head that would just stop if I started learning how to love myself. And realize that meaningless sex further lowers my self-worth. But it’s my interior circular bullshit guilt trip that keeps me like this. I want to believe this. Part of me, anyway. But there’s a place inside me that refuses any change. Good or bad. A place inside that is scared to do well. Because, then what? I may actually have some integrity? I may gain even an ounce of self-control? I may see a trick as something as meaningless and materialistic as it really is? Heaven forbid.
And I ask you: What can I do to make this stop? You tell me I have the answers. I need to love myself. HOW? Part of me thinks this medication will help. This shit not only stabilizes your emotions and makes you less depressed; but it makes you less promiscuous, as well. You and I both know that is bullshit. So what are you going to do now? How are you going to try and make this better? Remember Sammy Jenkis? Remember Stephen.
tell me what you think
--Gabriel Duncan
Http://lonelyocean.luniac.com
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Not every answer you get here will be wnat you want to hear, but most will be what you need to consider.
I have some simple and basic advice- Always use a condom. No exceptions
- avid shaving and other things that penetrate the skin
- the rectum walls are designed to allow absorption of "stuff". Thus infective agents (like HIV) can be absorbed easily and infect you
- Again, always use a condom
That deals with practical aspects
Sex, pure sex, is fun. No-one will gainsay that. But to mean something there needs to be an emotional link there. Otherwise the best sexual sensations are from sex with yourself.
I would suggest you consider what is good for you. Not for anyone who surrounds you, but you. Everyine is promiscuous, either in fact or in their heads at some point in their lives. If you want that as a lifestyle, well, ok. But you deserve better. I know you are better than that because I know you already as well as you'll allow me to
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Gabriel Duncan,
I'm Marc, and I also know exactly how you feel. See, at 16 I was you. I ran the streets every weekend, all weekend, doing whatever I could think of to get laid. I know what is going through your mind.
For me, the way I got out of that rut was to choose a direction for my life. And put everything I had into achieving what it was that I wanted.
I know that sounds really lame but it did work for me.
I don't know what got you to this point but I do know that you can get yourself out.
If you want to talk further I am on ICQ at 64010568, or AIM at Marcv1972c, my email is Marcthevad@cs.com
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Sorry, I'm just passing through at the moment and didn't check out your website (yet!) but wanted to wish you a sincere welcome to this place - you are among friends here and it IS a safe place to talk about whatever.
I can't be sure if your post is about your life or an intro to a story, but maybe checking out your site will help me understand - I'll be back later!
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I don't have answers, I have opinions and I know how to listen.
If you wish to talk...
ICQ: 74723890
Email: The_twilight_wolf@hotmail.com
Gil
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
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Welcome Gabriel, it is nice to see that you have come looking for some answers to questions you have none for. I am 18 and have been through similar. I wont go into great detail but please, rethink your stand?
The first time you say NO, is the time you empower yourself to respect WHO you are ok?? IF the SEX is what you want, then it is a pretty lame existance but, if you are REALLY after something stimulating and lasting, try a friendship then see where THAT takes you ok?? You have my unconditional support and loads of hugs. 
BTW, the Expletives are really meaningless. The guys here are older guys and they are past the impression stage language wise.
People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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It's funny. The expletives were exactly what I was thinking when I wrote that. I'm sorry if I offended someone. But that was train of thought. And as so, unedited. So, please, step off the unedited creativity. Expletives are here for a reason.
That said:
These thoughts and recollections are true. And I have read your advice. I will try my hardest to take them to heart. Thank you for welcoming me into your group.
There's a back story behind Stephen. He's the guy that I cheated on my ex-boyfriend Mike with. He's the slut. He's also someone I aspire never to be. So I decided that was how I would stop. Everytime I would think about it, i'd probably see "Remember Stephen" on my wrist. I wrote it there. This is a very hard thought pattern to break. Escpecially when it has hit an obssesive/compulsive level.
But it's good to know that I have people supporting me.
--Gabriel Duncan
Http://lonelyocean.luniac.com
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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It sounds like you understand very well, intellectually, what's going on. But emotionally you have needs, physically you have needs, and you use sex like junk food to temporarily forget the intellectual part and satisfy the other parts.
I remember 16 and how much I needed sex. I thank God that I never learned to have partners at that age.
Please, at least use protection - there is no need to be self-destructive. I truely do believe that there is someone special for everyone on this planet - to complete him or her. I do know someone who found his soulmate along road similar to the one you're on, but there's got to be a better way. Ironically, I do believe his soulmate died from AIDS, however. Keep writing on your wrist!
I've known people who need to be loved, can't figure out how to love themselves, but I don't know what to say. In fact, my wife needs sex to feel loved - cuddling and words of love and affirmation and sacrificial acts and caresses and hugs and snuggling all just aren't "believeable" to her. I really don't understand this. But, in our case, I really do love her, so the sex is genuinely an act of love, proving my love for her as a person, probably more so since her body doesn't do anything for me, quite frankly. Not that I mind the sex - it is no sacrifice - I am still a male human, you know!
Sorry, I'm very tired and am really rambling.
Please hang around a bit, Gabriel - I'm sure someone wiser than I will stop by soon and there are so many different perspectives and experiences among the "family" here.
Meanwhile, yes, you are among friends.
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I only mentioned the expletives cause I could see no value in them is all. IF you choose to use them, it is entirely up to you mate. I have just spent a lot of time trying hard to not use them. You offended no one ok? Please enjoy being here.
People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I don't think anyone here is shocked by expletives. They tended to make us see how much you wanted the reader to see your hurt. My life is very different from yours and yet I know how you feel to a degree. Searching for someone, something......beyond your reach.
Like Trevor said: "Keep reading your wrist". You have friends here whenever you need to talk.
smith
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