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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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He and I had spoken about his adoration of a particualr person. We discussed ways of his determining the possibility of the return of those feelings in safety. He settled on a route that gave him minimum rirsk except to his feelings.
I have asked him, when he is ready, to consider saring the method and outcome with us.
Whether he does or not is up to him, and I will not name him. That is up to him as well. Any of you who know, PLEASE do not name him either. I just want to say how proud I am that he found the bravery inside him to be true to himself and create a conclusion out of chaos
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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That very first "self-outing" is always the most difficult of all.
It DOES get better with practice, which of course could well be sais of most things.
Well done.
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...if you said the "Tom" is the person Timmy talked to, and "Conor" is the person Tom had adoration for, you get 100 points. 
I know I didn't post a lot about Conor after I gave my first "progress report". Here's, in a nutshell, what happened *before* Tuesday:
Conor decided not to take clarinet lessons from me because he said he's "too lazy". I tried asking him places, but he was always busy, visiting a sibling at college. Or, once, when I attempted to ask him to a movie, he had already seen that movie, so I decided not to push it. Other than that, nothing really changed between us. We kept talking and whatnot, but I became concerned that he was becoming more and more distant each day and that I might be losing interest in him.
Plus, my mind was off of Conor for an entire week, because I came out to a female friend of mine. She said it would be nice if we could get together for a day and talk things over. However, she lives 35 minutes away, and it was quite tough to convince my parents to get myself to go, without making them suspicious. That occupied my thoughts a lot, and Conor started sleeping on the bus ride home that week, so I never had a lot of contact with him that week, anyway.
There were two reasons I came out to my friend. 1) She mentioned a week earlier in casual conversation jokingly, that she likes her guys "straight as a ruler, but fruity guys are so much fun as friends". Also, 2) She said she had gay friends, so I was hoping to get a set-up... So, I took a chance. She was really cool with it. Surprisingly cool. By the way, all of her gay friends just went on to college, so no luck.
Also, on Monday, I came out to a male friend of mine. This was my first time in person. I told my female friend online, because as I said earlier, she lives quite far away, and my family was home the night that I told her, and saying it out loud on the phone would be quite risky. But, yes, I told my friend at school, because I mentioned that I was quite upset that my friends make jokes about me being "gay" (even though they don't know, it's just a label they pin on certain kids), and explained the reason why. He's cool with it, too, and coming out in person was easier than I thought.
So, I know you're dying to get to the heart of this story. I still felt Conor was becoming distant...and I think I just had to know. Was I wasting my time or looking forward to an actual future that Conor and I could have? (Although, I have to tell you, Conor's no waste of time  ).
So, with a little encouragement from Timmy and my friends, I swallowed my pride. Luckily, I was able to take the morning bus on Tuesday, so I was able to see the cutie. As we got off the bus, I caught him.
"Conor...you free during break period?"
"Uhm, break? Yeah. Why?"
"I...need to ask you something. Could you meet me by the big red door up front?"
"Uhm...sure. I can't know what it is right now?"
"No..."
"I'm getting a little nervous here. (smile)"
"(giggle) Heh, no, calm down there..."
Seems like I scared the poor kid. Anyway, thank God I didn't have any important classes before the break period. Art and band. I wasn't able to focus that much in art, and I wasn't concentrating all too much in band, let me tell you that. So, the bell rang for break...and the time came.
I rounded the corner of the building to head to the door, and there he was. Pacing...waiting for me... Heh, the rest of this is pretty much a blur, but here's a good idea of what happened.
(Note: we were smiling and giggling for most of this part of the convo)
"OK, so what is this?"
"Why? You truly nervous about this?"
"Yeah..."
"Why, because you don't know what it's about?"
"Yeah. What do you need to ask me, then?"
"I...uh...heh, well...come with me."
And I took him down a path that leads across the front yard of the school.
"Look, we're friends, right?"
"Yeah."
"OK, cool. Because I've got something that's really been bothering me lately that I can't trust many people with. I can trust you though, right?"
"Sure. You can trust me."
"On anything? You sure?"
"Positive."
"Alright, because some of my friends are *really* ignorant about this, and I don't know if I can tell them about this."
"OK."
"Conor...I'm...different from other people."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I..."
"Is it what I think you mean?"
"Well, if it it's what I think you think I mean, then you're only half right."
"You mean...that you're not heterosexual?"
God, I knew I admired his keenness, too.
"Well...yeah, but you're only half right."
"What's the other half of it?"
"I'm not heterosexual...but I'm not totally homosexual."
"Uh huh."
"And you're cool with it?"
"Yeah. And I won't tell anyone."
"Thanks..."
Alright, so he was OK with it...now, do I...
"...and there's one more thing."
"What's that?"
"I...uh...oh God, this is the embarrasing part. I...sorta..."
"Oh. Well, if it's what I think it is, I'm not like that. Just to save you from the embarrasment."
Man, was he batting 1.000 or what?
"Thanks. OK, I guess that's cool. Sorry bout that."
"That's alright."
"And we're still friends, right?"
"Yeah."
"OK, thanks."
Even though his answers sound short here, I really don't remember 100% of everything...
So, that's my story. We're still friends. We still talk a bit, but he still likes sleeping on the bus ride home. Can't say I blame him. The days seem to be getting longer and longer each day.
But, we're still friends. Hopefully, now that he sees I can trust him with secrets, he might do the same. Maybe we can become better friends that way...
Oh, and if anyone remembers my haiku...
Daydreaming in school
I wrap my arms around him
I can feel his warmth
...that's about Conor. We have daily meditations in World Religions class, and one day, I remembered one dress-down day when he wore a gray sweatshirt and jeans (in fact, he wore that sweatshirt again today...Gawd, he's so cute in it). During meditation, I dreamed of wrapping my arms around him. And the strangest thing happened. I felt the material of the sweatshirt on my actual arms. It was freaky. That feeling that that material has...it has that coolness to that touch and that smooth feeling. It was really spooky. Anyway, what does this have to do with Tuesday?
The class after break on Tuesday was World Religions. We had medition that day, as well. During that meditation, I used that time as time to say my farewell to the boy I loved for more than a month. Gawd, I'll miss that kid.
Farewell, sweet prince. It was obviously not meant to be, but it was fun while it lasted.
-Tom
P.S. - Please, feel free to ask any questions, on the board, or through e-mail. I'll try to answer each one.
"Whatever is sought for can be caught, you know,
whatever is neglected slips away."
Oedipus Rex, lines 126-127
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Congratulations.
I think, apart from his not being gay, he was the perfect person to come out to. I wish he had been the guy for you, but he was not the wrong guy, just the most common orientation.
Tom, you rock!
(oh and the other two events were pretty damned huge too!)
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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tim...of usa
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Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
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hey little bro....YOU ROCK!!!
now take a bow and be proud of the person you are growing to become.
peace
tim...of USA
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And as your friends we are here for you. Glad things went so well even if you didn't get EVERYTHING you want.
I am still happy for you, and I know you will be better off in the long run.
You are the bomb.
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Well done buddy,
As i know, you will see what i have done. I hope it gets easier for you and me, and everybody else that needs or wants to tell someone.
Again, good job.
Brian
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Earlier this week a friend did something brave and necessary 
Tom, we are so proud of you ...... 
sorry a little late tom 
