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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250." A deal is struck!
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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You all KNOW I'm the King of Bad jokes,,,,,,,,,
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a man confessing to having hot adulterous sex the night before.
After the confession, the older priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin wisely. Say things like "I see", "go on" and "I understand".
The new priest tries out these things and the older priest says, "Now , don't you think that's alot better than yelling out,'Hot Damn!.....what happened next?"
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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who lost his bicycle and was certain that one of his congregants had stolen it. He decided that his next sermon would be based on the Ten Commandments. As each commandment came up he elaborated with some topical association. When he reached the relevant commandment he said, "Thou shalt not steal - just like the devil's spawn straight from hell who stole my bicycle..." and so forth. Then he came to the next commandment: "Thou shalt not commit adultery! [pause] Ooops! I've just remembered where my bicycle is!"
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A man comes home and finds his wife with her lover in bed togather. He pulls out a gun aiming at the lover.
"don't shoot", calls out the wife.
"Why shouldn't I?"
"You know your new car..."
"yes?!?"
"He paid for it, and remember our vacation to the Hawai..."
"He paid for that?"
"Yes, and you know your mothers operation he paid for that too"
"Well cover him up before the poor guy catches a cold..."
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says,
"Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
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Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill- fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them today."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next week.
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looked satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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she won't get away with writing "I won't do it again" no matter how many times.
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The Herald Sun's 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 2000
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a
While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout
Counter
25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Which one is your favorite, please? I like the last one the best, I think!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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This is at the very last minute before I go offline for a while, but I couldn't resist, after reading David's hilarious headline goofs. I have remembered this oen for ummmm decades:
Sibelius dies as he hears Sargent conducting his Fifth Symphony.
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How about everybody post a favorite funny...might lighten the mood...! 
HeeHee...I have a million of 'em 
Definately put me in a good mood! 
