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Washday in 35 minutes. Fun-fun-fun!
Ended yesterday by getting upset over nothing. I'm sure, to the other party I seemed terribly childish and petty. I just can't help it these days. The smallest, stupidest of things sets me off.
I can't even remember the last time I sat down and TALKED to a real, living human being. The closest thing I've gotten to that lately is my adoptive parents phoning me yesterday. Is it all doom and gloom, I was asked outright. Yeah well, what else is there for me?
Started today with reading the most awful news article about two German kids meeting over the internet; boy, 16, girl, 21. Why was that awful? Doesn't sound too bad now does it? Well you see, they met on a suicide chat. And now they're both dead. They shot themselves in the head with the same rifle.
Trying to write. It's the only safety-valve I got left, my life's shit, but I can make up other people's lives and make them happy instead. I can pretend to be them, it works for just a little while. It's hard though, when I get so little in return for it. People in general don't seem to care much anymore.
Now it's 20 minutes until wash-day. Whoo-hoo.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Find yourself a new interest. Doesn't matter what it is. Join an amateur dramatics group and get involved with putting on a play. Take up Nordic dancing. Follow timmy's example and go to singing classes. Try playing a new sport. Or Cookery (Swedish Meatballs à la Valentine?).
The point is that one of the best ways to meet new people and make friends is to do an activity with them. That way you will fall into conversation naturally and it won't seem contrived.
I don't mean to preach. It's just that you come across as a bit introspective sometimes. Mixing with other people will make you feel better about yourself, especially if you meet them whilst doing something you enjoy.
The world is full of people who care. Don't be afraid to venture out and show yourself.
Above all, take care of yourself Lenny. Everyone here is rooting for you.
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tim...of usa
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Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
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hey lenny, come do my laundry when your done that way i'll have more time for baking today...its bread baking day WOOHOO
peace
tim...of USA
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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If you don't want to act there is set design scene painting, lighting, sound, stage management etc etc etc etc
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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"hey lenny, do this! do that!"
It's not that simple, alright?!
I'm scared of seeking contact, I can't do it. I've been told I'm worthless so many times and in so many ways already I can't risk being exposed to it again!
For me it's not just a case of getting out, meeting people. I get frightened just by thinking about it.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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the scholar
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Toe is in the water |
Location: England
Registered: August 2002
Messages: 59
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People may not understand you, Lenny, but at least they care enough to try, even if the way they do that doesn't meet with your approval. I get upset at the slightest thing these days, too. I have some terrible arguments with the one person who means everything to me and feel so bad about it and, yes, it's usually about soemthing pretty petty, too, though it doesn't seem like that to me at the time. Why do I do it? I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling emotionally unstable, maybe I'm having an off-day, maybe I'm having an off-week, or even year.
It's not been a good year for me. So much has happened in my life and, as a result, I've found it very difficult to communicate. My social life has suffered, my work has suffered and my health has suffered. It was all getting too mch for me and I shut down for a while, threw myself blindly into something else to occupy myself, to retain some sort of sanity - what did I do? I wrote stories. Stories which have been hosted here.
I receive limited feedback, but what I have received is usually in the form of praise, which makes me feel good - when it's criticism, it hurts, but I accept it as that person's point of view - we are all diferent, but the point is, I don't write for anyone else - I write for me and as long as I'm happy with what I've done, that's all that matters.
I've been off work for some time now and am having great dificulty in leaving home to do somethings o simple as taking the rubbish to the dustbin, hanging out the washing, going to a shop for a pint of milk. It makes me feel vulnerable and it makes me feel like sitting down and crying, knowing that I should be doing something to help myself get my life back. One day I will, but right now it's easier to just exist.
I get all sorts of advice and all I hear are words - what I want to do is shout out "try being me and see what that's like."
II'll end as I began - People may not understand you, Lenny, but at least they care enough to try.
TS
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It's not that I don't appreciate people trying... It's just that I feel so hopeless, so totally inadequate when people give what they expect is helpful advice (and what really SHOULD be helpful advice!) and all I can see is difficulties and obstacles. I want to be able to say, "hey! great idea, I'll run out and try that tomorrow!", but I can't! I wish I could.
That thought really messes with my head. I should be able to do it, but there's not enough of me to manage.
So what do I want people to do then? I don't know that either! I just feel plain WRONG. Petulant and wrong.
If I was five years old and had a mother (neither's true), I could run to her and cry. But I'm not. I'm fuckin thirty, I've never had a job, I have no real education, and worse yet: I have nobody to cry with. That's what I miss the most.
Thanks for talking to me. I do appreciate that. More than anything...
Hugs!
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Baking bread is so wonderful. I miss my old DAK breakmaking machine - one that actually worked well. My mom had this recipe for orange rye bread (without caraway seeds) that she baked for years for Christmas. The smell brings back so many childhood memories. She used to make it from the used oranges (peelings, mostly) after the soccer (football) games. A little gross, but I'm sure baking killed the teammates germs.
I am sorry, Lenny. I really am at a loss for words. Someone told me there are sunspots - seems many folks are having a tough week emotionally.
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I'm sorry I didn't understand. But if you'll let me I still want to try.
It's good that you feel comfortable opening yourself up a little on this message board. You are with friends here.
We'll talk again soon.
Hugs,
Nick
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To Lenny and anyone else that is feeling down. Today I am having a not so nice day and my Operating mode is also "shut down". I am not going to try and advise you Lenny or you other guys that are out there, I dont have enough experience to do so. But I would say that MAYBE a Doggie might bring some change in your life?? I went outside this morning and told Lucky (My dog) all my troubles and she listens. She doesnt tell me I am wrong, she doesnt castigate me for wrong thoughts or decisions, she just listens. After I have depleted my worry & Sorrow Jar, she just puts her head on my leg and licks my hand and wags her tail. I am finding this GOOD medicine. 
People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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My dog, Jerimiah, is my best friend. He listens and kisses me and never questions.
{{{hugs}}}
smith
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tim...of usa
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Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
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my dogs name is jermey....135 pounds of love. the really cool part about dogs is that they love UNCONDITIONALLY no questions no buting in when we need to talk no trying to make it all better they just plain and simply love us as we are for who we are.
love
peace
tim...of USA
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135... GEEZ. That's one hell of a dog!
I think I weigh like 170 pounds or something. It's in that neighborhood anyway.
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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