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Hehe, if it was, I might never forgive my parents for it. 
But, yes, Timmy was referring to me as "Hubert". I told my father today about how I've been feeling. It took awhile to finally spit it out, but I finally did at the last moment (in the driveway).
Funny thing was, in the car ride home from getting a Christmas tree, he mentioned this infatuation with a girl when he was my age. It was similiar to my story with Conor. So when we pulled in, I said, "You know, I had a similar experience...only it wasn't with a girl."
And I really don't remember all of the conversation, kinda a blur, but there were 3 main points that I remember.
*It was a shock to him, for sure. He had no idea that this was coming. He wants to seek professional help for us. For me, so I can "sort out my thoughts" and for them so that "they can become educated on how to deal with it".
*It will be extremely difficult for him to accept this. He even said so. But, I am still his son, "first, foremost, and forever".
*He wants to tell my mom, but not with me present. He doesn't know how she'll react and he doesn't want her to react badly, and then have me get upset.
He said he was very glad that I told him and that I had a lot of courage for doing so. But he wants to find outside help for us so we can deal with it. He did also ask, "Wouldn't it just be easier to be heterosexual?", to which I answered, "Well, I don't think that's my decision".
I also mentioned how I was getting support from you guys, which I don't think he liked very much. I didn't expect him to, though. He's always been wary about me communicating through the net. I said I'd ask for suggestions from you guys about where we go from here, and he wasn't too thrilled with the idea. I then told him that they were merely suggestions and he could through them aside if he so desired.
I think he might be thinking that it's the whole adolescent exploration/curiosity thing, and I tried to explain to him as best I could that I think this is for real. I had to explain a few times that I've felt this way for years.
All in all, I think it could've been really worse. This is probably the best possible reaction I could've gotten, so I'm happy.
Oh yeah, if you're wondering how this all started, my parents seemed to like to bring up the fact that girls aren't "breaking down the door" for me, and they were confused why. And they kept on bringing it up, so I figured if they were getting real antsy about it, then they should know. Hehe, my dad said that girls were probably "intimated" by me because I'm so clean cut and intelligent...pfft, right!
So, it could've been worse. But it's a long road ahead. Thank you, EVERYONE, for all your support and friendship. I truly could NOT have done this without all of you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
See ya.
-Tom 
"Whatever is sought for can be caught, you know,
whatever is neglected slips away."
Oedipus Rex, lines 126-127
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tim...of usa
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Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
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very kewl little bro....i am proud of you.
now come the really hard part getting used to being out...it aint easy but your a tough smart kid and i know you'll work things out.
try PFLAG little bro, bring it up and maybe look it up on line to see if there are meetings near you.
oh yeah and a shrink is way kewl just dont get one that is going to "fix" you cause your not broken.
mega huge hugs little bro.
and IM me any time i am here for you.
peace
your big bro
tim...of USA
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I told you it would be ok......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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We still haven't talked, but that's cool.
You took a gamble, and for you it paid off. Timmer is right btw, don't let no therapist tell you you need fixin', and don't let your parents think so either.
Be safe, okay?
Hope you find someone like Conor who can accept you for who you are!
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Coming out to your dad took a lot of courage, and we're proud! I'm glad he's keeping his wits about him - that's great too.
I don't know when the time will be right or if your parents will pursue it, but here's some thoughts I shared with my wife, for what that's worth:
- POS is not a place to find dates or share porn - its a place to talk and share feelings and get general support from people who have some things in common. There are occasional jokes and sharing about our relationships, joys, and sorrows, but it's mostly a place for support and companionship. My wife has an e-group where she's met people who have a particular craft in common, but mostly they share smiles and news and talk about their friends and family. This place really isn't much different.
- We aren't particularly advocating "gayness" here - repeatedly we advise our younger or questioning participants to simply be honest with themselves, whatever their orientation.
- More than a couple of us here ARE parents. More than a couple are Christian (if relevant.)
A couple of us "recently came out to our wives" geezers have invited our wives here to help them understand all of the above. One (that I know of) has come, and was welcomed, and contributed some useful insights. Remember that there is erotic fiction on the "home page" which may be a factor, but WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT your parents may want to "meet us."
As always, let us know if there's anything we can do to support you, Tom.
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ien
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Toe is in the water |
Location: Netherlands
Registered: April 2002
Messages: 81
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No Message Body
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mt
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 93
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No Message Body
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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You want one who fulfils the following criteria:- not a religious affiliation
- not homophobic
- experienced with maturing teenagers
- A psychologist, not a psychiatrist
- Approachable
- working for you, not for anyone else
- willing to speak his mind and stand his ground (remember he works for you)
- understands that an attraction to the same gender may be permanent or may fade or strengthen
- has no interest in "curing" you
- is acceptable to your parents too
The ideal perosn is a psycho-sexual counsellor, and one who has experience of working with teenagers and their parents to allow each to understand and to come to terms with the new information being shared.
Like with Conor I feel you have achieved the very best available outcome. Remind your father that you trust and love him, and that he simply knows you better now. And that "yes, it would be so much easier to be heterosexual, but that route seems to be unavailable". We've all discovered that. Some of us have tried very hard to be heterosexual (Me, married since July 1979, for example). It has mixed success.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Hey Tom,
I'm a counsellor in "real life", so here's my two cents worth:
Take Tim (USA)'s advice and find a near-by chapter of PFLAG. It's an internationally known and respected organization and should raise no alarm bells for your parents. They publish an excellent book called "Now That You Know". We keep it in our library for our clients to read and use. That can be ordered from PFLAG on-line, and also from Amazon.com as well.
Ask the people at PFLAG about well-qualified counsellors in your locality. They'll likely have good information about who's good and who should be avoided. Local gay youth service organizations as well as gay/lesbian/bi community centers will also have good information about counsellors.
Regarding Tim's points, I have some ammendments:
"religious" counsellors selling their point of view should be avoided, but there are plenty of good counsellors working at places subsidized by religious organizations (I work for one myself). So don't necessarily rule them all out automatically.
Psychiatrists are medical doctors with expertise in such things as medications, diagnoses of mental illnesses, etc. You don't need that, timmy is right. But you don't necessarily need a psychologist, either. People with Master's in Counselling psychology or Clinical Social Work will also be fine. You don't need a "psycho-sexual therapist" as you aren't dealing with sexual problems. Sexuality and coming out aren't "sexual", necessarily. Psycho-sexual counsellors deal with sexual dysfunctions, couple with sex problems, etc. Again, nothing wrong with them, just maybe too specialized for now, and some of them are homophobic, too.
Great news, Tom!! Feel free to email me with any questions about counselling issues, I'll be happy to help clarify stuff for you.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I am looking as well from the viewpoint of a parent who wishes the absolute best for his child. Most such parents will head for the "best qualified" person they can find. So I was attemtping to lead Tom down a path to find the most useful qualifications from the broad list.
My main concern is to provide counselling for parents as a separate segment from counselling for the child, and yet as a part of the totality.
The child needs a perosn to discuss things with. The first such thing is the use or non use of labels. It is perfectly possible to mis-label one's self, with unpleasing results. Tom is avoiding this. So, I think, is Drew. Self labelling leads us to make life choices which have nothing to do with our real identities.
For example I chose to "be" str8. I patently am not. It could be argued with major success that I am not gay either. I am simply "timmy" with all the natural variations of orientation that timmy has, centred around same gender attraction.
Tom and people identifying with him, Drew and people identifying with him, they each need a person to care for and underatand their needs in detail, putting them as the perosn with the "non traditional orientation" first adn helping them to understand themselves and their families. And also at the same time helping their families understand the "new" knowledge they have gained about their child
Vital point: This is not an ailment. Thus there is no cure. One may, with care, form attractions to the opposite gender, some of us more easily than others, but this is only "inner directable", and cannot be prompted by an external stimulus.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Hey dude, we already chatted, so I just wanted to say something here. I hope this ends up right below Timmy's reply too.
Told you he would know what to look for.
hehehehe.
Good job as always. I'm so glad I could be with you last night while we waited for the unknown.
As always, if you need to chat, just do it.
Brian
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I'm happy to hear the news, but I'm a bit curious about the counsellor bit. I mean, just because someone's young and gay doesn't mean they need counselling. Unless there's something genuinely "wrong" with you, what will you talk to this guy about, really?
Anyway, congrats! And, take care. Tell us if you get yourself a sweetie, okay?
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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My parents say they aren't too educated in this field and would like to know how they can deal with it. Also, they know that there's only so much that I feel comfortable telling them, so they think that I could probably have someone to talk to about it and to help "sort out my thoughts" and express my feelings. So basically, it helps them and me, but them a lil more.
-Tom
"Whatever is sought for can be caught, you know,
whatever is neglected slips away."
Oedipus Rex, lines 126-127
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And that person is Drew.
Drew, thanks for posting your own coming out story on the MB. If you didn't, I may not have seriously considered venturing out into this uncharted territory. Now that I have, everything is just so great now.
Drew, thank you so much for showing me that things can turn out alright in the end.
-Tom
"Whatever is sought for can be caught, you know,
whatever is neglected slips away."
Oedipus Rex, lines 126-127
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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We could all probably have used someone to trust and talk to in our youth - this makes a lot of sense to me. The parents will feel they are talking to an experienced professional who can help them with THEIR issues, although it sounds like they are doing very well. There is probably a bit of a mini "grieving process" when our ideas and "understanding" of someone close to us is burst, I'd imagine. I still could use someone to talk to, I'm sure, but that's what this community is for, in a way.
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tim...of usa
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Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
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a big hug and thank you yes...but always remember little bro that, that is what this palce is about us helping eachother...some times directly and some times just by doing what each of need to do.
way kewl that things are orking out for you to youngins but remember that for some the out come is less kewl. you guys are on a path to personal fredom but there may be other youngins out there neck deep in a bad comming out situation and we have to be there for them too.
ok said enough
peace
tim...of USA
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Thank God my name's not Hubert! 
I feel in awe of your and Drew’s courage! 
Re: Now, selection of a counsellor: 
Dad told Mom last night 
