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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Guys, I need your honest opinion on this question I got. Here goes, How come most gay guys are so balls deep into sex? Most guys I've talked with or even tried to talk with, have made it clear they are really only interested in sex. Now I know even straight relationships got lots and lots of problems, but to me it seems like too many gay relationships are based on sex.
I'm 37 and still a virgin. I chose to keep my virginity because I wanted to share it with someone I really cared about. I'm yet to find this after all these years. It seems to me like I can only find these kinds of love in stories. I hope one day I will find someone who can love me, really love me for me, and I them.
If you guys can share your experiences with me I'd be really greatful.
Cleaver
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(dammit, this is so difficult)
I know what you feel, because I carry around much the same thoughts as you do. True love, isn't that what we all seek?
My problem is, I'm too scared to even look for it...
You have my sincerest sympathies, even if I cannot help with a solution to your dilemma. Hell, I can't even help myself.
-Lenny Valentin
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Now I know why it seems that so many gay men are out for "just sex".
In part it is the "never ending search for perfection" that is always just around the corner and always illusory; in part it is because a quick orgams is so easy for a man to give another man; in part it is society training us that we are expected to frequent public lavatories, gay bars, and have clandestine sex fast in case someone spots us; in part it is a legacy of the so called "swinging sixties" where being queer became being gay, but we never quite grew up along with it; in part it is feeling dirty in some way because we are "different", and thus feel undeserving of love. There are many more parts. All of them are politically unacceptable for us to admit, even to ourselves. But all of these are history.
Many gay men rejected the idea of a quick suck or fuck, and either had the good fortune to find a loving partner, or yes a series of loving partners in a serial monogamous stream. Many more, me included, got married to wonderful women, all for real and good reasons, and yet never entirely satisfactorily. And many more are like you, being brave enough to wait for Mr Right.
The challenge is that the waiting has to be active. The love of your life will not walk into your life, announce that he wants a man for the rest of his life, walk up to you, say "Wow, I love you!" and carry you off on his whit ehorse into the sunset.
Lower down this board, prorbably now on page 2, there is a plea on behalf of a friend of mine in just your situation. There are some good ideas there.
They include
- Learn to socialise, perhaps in a dofferent geopgraphical location from your home town
- Scan (with care) adverts on eg Planetout and be selective
There is a lot more.
You deserve love. You are a man who loves other males, and that does not deny you the right to love and to be loved. you may be lucky enough to find this on the "gay scene", but I doubt it, for, in the main, that is a cattle market, youth and smooth and slim oriented, for a quick orgasm with on eor more men each night. And yes, I know it isn't ALL like that, and if comsoene here can show you how to avoid that part and find a true love "section" please let them do so now!
Many people that I know have found love online, and gone on with extreme care to turn this into a true life partnership. It has the opportunity for major disappointment and it can even be dangerous, but with correct safety precautions it is as safe a way of meeting your life partner as any other. At worst you find a like minded friend. At best you find the love you need and deserve and can return.
PLEASE stay strong. Mr Palm and his five sons is a damned sight better than HIV, so do not dream of having a shag for the sake of it.
Guys, I'm all out of inspiration. We're all "there" in one way or another. Bring out the cavalry and help!
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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Picking up a point Tim made in his reply. A straight marriage can work if it's made for the right reasons. It's worked for me, and it seems to have worked for at least two other posters on this board. But, to judge by the experience of others I know, DON'T go for straight marriage simply because you're after love and companionship, but despair of finding it where you really want it, from a man. If you do, you'll be accepting the second-best, and as far as I can see the second-best very rarely works.
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I have not found the same things you have. I have had sex with three different people in my life, my childhood abuser, a boy love, and my ex-wife, yet I consider myself more gay than anything else. Why, because men are what attracts me most. When I go somewhere, I usually check out the men. That's not to say that I ignore beautiful women, I love the female form (ass man myself), but I find men more sexually attractive at this point in my life. When I married, the opposite was true. But what I am really looking for is the same, a loving, meaningful relationship. Hell, sex scares the shit out of me! What happens if I can't perform? Or I cum too soon? Or if I accidently hurt my partner? Or do something they don't like? But I know that I can hug and kiss and converse and smile and be there for someone like a champ.
I think it is when you stop looking that it will find you, probably from the most unlikely direction.
Hugs, Charlie
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Thanks Charlie,
I think you're right about the scary sex part. I'm terrified of disease on stuff, and of being hurt. However I would do it all if it were the right person. I've never had a sexual encounter and I still only want to go that far with someone I really love and care about. I said previously that I'm a virgin and I think I'm probably gonna stay that way for a long time. I'm not gonna just be with any guy, I need to find the one that's for me. Thanks again Charlie, it means a lot.
Frank
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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Frank, please, please don't misunderstand this response. It is not meant to be unkind; please believe that.
You wrote: >>I hope one day I will find someone who can love me, really love me for me, and I them<<.
Frank, examine yourself (and only you can do this): are you capable of loving someone? Love is a two-way thing just as much as sex is, but in a completely different way. Are you capable of obliterating self to the extent that someone else is just as important to you as you are?
I'm sorry if I sound "preachy" (and I'll probably be flamed by the others for this); I only mean to help
Good luck!
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Steve, dude!! What's this about being afraid of sounding preachy?? YOU?? Never! Hehehe (J/K)
Cleaver, Steve is right...you have to love yourself before you can give love to another or receive love either. And to make yourself vulnerable to another's love is a scary thing. So Tim is right too...You have to go out and actively look and ask peoiple out.
Dating doesn't have to include sex...and it is the traditional way to meet people, of whatever orientation.
So tell us more...do you have enough friends, and do you know how to make and maintain friendships? That's important in finding true love too, as the True Love will also be a friend.
You told us yuu're a virgin, no problem with that, as long as your armour isn't too thick to penetrate when you want to be able to! But tell us more about how and who and where you date, what activities you like...it's in these answers that you'll find your way to where the true love possibnilities will be found!
And most importantly don't give up hope. I went thru some nice guys and a few real duds before I found my own Mr. Right...and I was almost 40 when I found him.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Thank you Steve,
It's ok, I understand and I'm not offended at all. Actually, I have thought about it, really I have. I have actually loved someone, only it wasn't mutual. I can't say that I knew everything there was to know about how I felt and how far I should have gone. However, I thought in my mind that I loved that person, and so I sacrificed myself in more ways than one to please him, just never sex.
I don't really know steve, but I know this that I will not obtain my happiness at the expense of my partner. If my partner is not happy, then how could I be? All I know is that love means to be accepting, patient, kind, understanding, self-sacrificing and many, many more adjetives could be added, but one very important descriptive of love is putting the other person first, their well-being in front of yours, of course this should be reciprocal, or someone will most surely get hurt. Anyway, all I 'm saying is that your question is fair, and I honor it. Love is not selfish, Steve, thank you so very much.
Frank
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