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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Just wanted to say thanks first to Mihangel, who frist encouraged me to seek inputs from other guys who maybe going through the same thing as I am. Thanks Mihangel, you have been a great ally. To Lenny, thanks for trying, you did help. To Tim, you have said a mouth full, and I had to like read your response over a few times, it was that good.
Tim, you mentioned that Mr. Right will not come walking up to me, saying I'm Mr. Right, I think I kinda knew that, however, I really don't like Gay bars, neither do I drink alcohol, smoke or even use profanity. I guess you might say I'm kinda like a bit of a dweeb. I just can't do these things just to socialize or to be someone I'm not. It's just as if I'm pretending to be straight, when I know deep inside I'm gay. Being something I'm not to please other people. So I don't do the typical social things other guys do. So, you see, I was dealt a bad hand from the get go.
If I don't do the social entertainment gig, how can I meet guys? The net is very dangerous, I'm not like promiscuous or stuff like that, I do talk to guys on the chat line, but that's it. I feel like a total loser. It's like I'm just so confused about all of this. How can I meet guys, and where?
AAAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! I just wanna screem. This is so frustrating.
Any help PLEASEEEEEEEEEE?
Frank.
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See my reply to your other post...where do you enjoy going? What activities do you enjoy participating in? Church? Hiking clubs? Work or professional gatherings? What do you and your friends do to socialize normally? Do you have enough friends?
Finding people you're compatible with requires you to go looking for them in places you like being, and presumably your new partner will have at least that place or activity in common with you to start off with.
One friend of mine just found a boyfriend thru a volleyball group. That's just one example!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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Frank,
>>I really don't like Gay bars, neither do I drink alcohol, smoke or even use profanity. I guess you might say I'm kinda like a bit of a dweeb. I just can't do these things just to socialize or to be someone I'm not.<<
You just described me and probably half the other guys on this MB. You are not alone, you are not peculiar or strange. I don't know what a dweeb is, but I'd be surpised if you were one  (How do you add smileys into the body of the text?)
I think David's suggestion is a very good one. If you care to tell us what your hobbies are, what really interests you, maybe we can come up with some practical suggestions.
The most important thing to remember always is that your "predicament" is the same as many, many others. You just have the guts to be their mouthpiece.
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If it is any consolation to you, please know that I too do not enjoy what is commonly known as "socializing", ie smoking, drinking and talking in loud voices in cramped locations shock full of other people.
There has to be more to life than that, I think.
My thoughts are with you.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Of COURSE you knew he wouldn't come running up to you. It;s just that sometimes the obvious needs to be said and not always for the guy who asked the question, but for the many who read without posting.
Almost no-one here would feel in place in a gay bar. Actually I am painfully shy, wearing a suit of protective armour in social gatherings that says "Supremely confident person" which I developed over the years. But I cringe in stressful social situations.
The only way to dioscover the man whowil return your love is to go fishing.
What?
Yep, fishing.
A successful fisherman finds out where the fish swim. NO, not gay bars. You are loking for "like minded people". The fact is that 10% of them will be gay. Of course, if you onlymeet 10 people, the gay one is you! So meet 20! Or meet 30, or more. gently and over time.
Choose social settings where you are comfortable. Theatre, concerts, pop, art galleries, cookery demnonstrations, the yoga class at your gym, aerobics, train spotting, indoor deep sea powerboat racing, underwater showjumping (yeah I'm being ridiculous for effect again!) Make SOCIAL contact. Make a friend. Include ladies in your circle of friends. Why? Well a good female frined may have better gaydar than you do!
How bad would it be to begin to tell your new frineds that you are not the traditional woman hungry guy? You have nothing to lose and everything togain if you do it wisely, with regard for their sensibilities and for your own.
This is your time to reinvent yourself, if you wish to. I am only just managing at nearly 50. Why don't you start gently and slowly today?
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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I agree with everything that Tim has written.
B U T
If Frank goes to all the appropriate places that Tim has mentioned how will he know that someone he sees/meets there is gay himself?
I think that this is a question that many would like to see answered, not just Frank (and me). Is this not one of the biggest problems that people face who do not easily socialize and who would never dream of visitng a gay bar?
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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We can never know without opening our own kimono a little.
But these are new friends.
I am not suggesting "Hi, I'm Frank and I'm gay!" as an opening conversational gambit, you know.
In a new social setting one can simply allow one's gay side to show through. Part of gaydar is actually allowing yourself to see the other man. And to assess him, subtly.
Gay men are not feminine though. But somehow it becomes more and more obvious who is and is not gay. Letting your new frineds know who you are is a major step in the way. This is NOT the same as coming out to your old ones!
In a way this is why the net is so helpful. We can reveal ourselves here, almost as practice
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The good news is that everybody's gaydar can indeed be developed and fine-tuned. It's a natural process, gradually unfolding itself with practice.
The trick is, as Tim has said, in order to uncloak our gaydar, we have to become a bit more open about who we are, if only to ourselves at first.
Others need to be able to see us on THEIR gaydar screens as well. Or connections will be easy to miss.
Some straight people have good gaydar, too. I like that. It helps us see each other better!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Before I was able to admit to myself that I am gay I had no gaydar. In fact I didn't realise that Freddie Mercury or Elton John or Kenny Everrett were gay! I worked ina company with two gay men, one of whom was camp, so obvious, the other a regular guy and impossible to tell.
I think I must have been in logical denial
For the past three and a half years I have become increasingly aware that people surrounding me in my workplace are gay. I can see TV people who are gay. I can even spot gay kids (including one who was 8 when I should have realised it. Not seen him since he turned 13, but I bet he is now a gay man!)
I think we have to relax about ourselves to allow gaydar to work, and also show a little of our gay side. Radar works by reflecting a bean off the target. I don't think gaydaris any different.
I don't mean suddenly come out as a screaming queen, unless you choose or course!
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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No Message Body
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I totally relate to "dweeb" and frankly have very few friends.
But, of my pre-"coming out" friends, one is gay-friendly (I haven't asked, but he is happily married now) and one is gay and several coworkers in our small office were gay or very gay-friendly. So, you might be able to warm up to a few folks you already know or could get to know and they might want to introduce you to someone? If you keep expanding your circle of friends, I'm sure that "someone special" is waiting for you.
Once you have your "gaydar" turned on and are showing yourself a bit, someone said coffee shops are a nice alternative to bars.
Someone I barely know on-line in a similar situation did drag up the courage to go to a quieter gay bar and made a friend who approached him and they appear to be doing quite well, btw. A younger Phillipino, in fact - yummmm. Oh, sorry!
Sorry I have no real experience to draw on, so I'll wish you the best and send you a *hug*.
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True Love-not just sex 
Re: True Love-not just sex 
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Re: Undeveloped gaydar 
