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The standard disclaimer is still in effect; ie, do not read this thread unless you really want to. Things I say in here may upset you emotionally or otherwise.
Original thread may be found here (hope the linkage works): http://forum.iomfats.org/w-agora/view.php?site=forumiomfatsorg&bn=forumiomfatsorg_placeofsafety&key=1013422797 in case you have a strange, morbid desire for more of the same... 
I feel panicky for no reason. Nervous, upset. I don't know why. Maybe because I sent something off to someone last night. What if he doesn't like it? My work means so much to me, but I don't know if it is any good...
I awoke at least two times in the night with my bowels tied up in a painful knot. I thought I was going to become ill, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm just...restless, panicky.
Sleep has been fitful. I went to bed at one in the morning, awakened just before six. These few hours that has passed since then have been unusually slow and boring. I feel like I'm suffocating and I take deep breaths to counter the horrible feeling. It is as if the air is thin and lacking oxygen. I am drawing SOMETHING into my lungs, but it is giving little relief.
My Gladiator soundtrack CD has arrived, but I haven't picked it up yet. Still waiting for Unbreakable; that'll probably be another week or so of waiting since it's an US import item. Oh well, I am used to that, I've been waiting for something most my life it seems...
Never have I recieved that which I truly desire, though.
Sitting here, typing, I still feel like a restless spirit, not knowing where to go, what to do. I have several errands to run today, official business you might say. But I feel the claws of apathy dig into me even though my agenda for today is all set. I both do, and do not want to get up out of this chair, take a shower, eat breakfast, make a phone call, and then take the bus down to the city center to do my errands.
I had a wonderful dream just before I awoke. I was out walking on a dirt path with some friends in a strange, wooded landscape. I knew the way, I knew where I was going. Can't quite remember where, I think I was on my way home. I live in a city, not out in the country, but such is the stuff of dreams... Even though I felt I knew the way, the imagery was all strange to me at the same time. The ground was raw, brown earth, the landscape wintery but lacking snow. It did not look alive, nor dead either.
The road went up and down, through the woods. We got tired in the dream and stopped to rest at the top of a little slope just beyond a field, even though I did not feel tired. Suddenly, I was not there anymore.
I was at a swimming arena, naked. It was the most bizarre place you could imagine, hexagonal tunnels of white-glazed tiles filled with water connected the washroom to the sauna, and to the arena itself. I found myself in the main pool not knowing how I'd ended up there, still naked and surrounded by young kids. They were clinging on to me, shouting like kids do while playing in water. I swam through a tunnel, holding one of them in my arms. I did not feel the need to surface for air.
I awoke, almost feeling more tired than when I went to sleep, and found my left hand had gone numb. Probably that was what woke me up.
My mind is as empty and desolate as the landscape in that dream. I have soon spent forty-five minutes writing this. I think I'll stop now. I have to make that phonecall soon, or it will be too late.
Illumination:
There are so many of us here. Thousands, single points of light, all alone. Not like stars in the sky, proudly shining magnificiently in their splendid loneliness; uncaring, simply existing throughout eternity. No, we are more like candles I think, candles in the night.
Were we together, we would not fear fading, failing. But we are not. We are one with ourselves, and nobody else, and the wind is strong, so strong. Flickering candles under a bare sky, that is all we are. Our existence short and precarious, so much that should be done, so little time to do it in. So many of us, we want to not be alone. But we are too afraid.
I wish I was more than one, I wish there was another. But there is not. Only suffering.
I am a candle under a bare sky. I wonder, when will the wind take me?
-Lenny,
Jan. 30, 10:30 P.M.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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The dark place that is me (2)
By: lenny on Tue, 19 February 2002 08:45 |
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Lenny,
By: Steve on Tue, 19 February 2002 11:44 |
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First part is for Steve, and then there is more...
By: lenny on Wed, 20 February 2002 01:57 |
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Something tells me he likes it
By: tim on Wed, 20 February 2002 11:03 |
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It is finally done...
By: lenny on Wed, 20 February 2002 21:47 |
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Silly sweet boy!
By: tim on Thu, 21 February 2002 12:22 |
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Silly but very happy right now...
By: lenny on Fri, 22 February 2002 00:04 |
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Re: Silly but very happy right now...
By: tim on Fri, 22 February 2002 08:00 |
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It's been a little while now, but here is more...
By: lenny on Mon, 25 February 2002 10:55 |
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I don't know... Maybe I'm going about this all the wrong way.
By: lenny on Tue, 26 February 2002 23:48 |
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Who says so?
By: tim on Wed, 27 February 2002 10:07 |
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Tim, if only it was that easy...
By: lenny on Wed, 27 February 2002 22:43 |
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The minor answers have simplicity about them
By: tim on Thu, 28 February 2002 12:12 |
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