|
|
|
|
Yes, here I am again, back at the beginning.
Back to my roots...
Like the first such thread I made, reading is strictly optional. In fact, I don't think you should read this at all. If you consider yourself my friend, do me a favor and don't look at this because I scare even myself. And don't post any reples either.
So once again, all hope abandon, ye who so foolishly choose to enter here.
I am deluding myself.
I think things change for me, but nothing ever does, not REALLY.
Not for me. Other people can change, I know that. But that is not how my life was intended. I'm supposed to wither away alone, crushed under an ever-growing mountain of self-pity.
I trashed my clock-radio just now. I tore the electric cord from the wall socket and used it to swing the clock at the floor, it turned into plastic shrapnel and some bits of twisted metal and circuit-board. Then I sat on my bed and cried pitiously for a little while before deciding that the noises I made annoyed me, and that I didn't like it when my nose clogged up. However, the clock-radio wasn't enough. I have a hammer sitting right next to me. I want to grab it and systematically reduce everything in my apartement to junk with it while screaming incoherently at the top of my lungs.
Not exactly sure why I don't do it. I REALLY REALLY want to!
It's a good hammer. Heavy, sturdy. It's not mine. It belongs to the ex-friend I had to say goodbye to because he didn't give enough of a rat's arse in fifteen months to tell me he moved entirely out of the country. I have a nice cable-cutter here too that is also his. Can't do much damage with that one though.
It feels like I'm cracking up from the inside. Like the stitches that keeps me together are getting torn asunder by a pressure that's been building for some twenty-three years or possibly more.
I really don't feel well at all right now.
Was supposed to go up north just over the day to visit my adoptive father and get some things fixed. It would have been a terrible bother, a 400km round-trip just for a few errands is no fun at all. But that's off now. My London trip's off too. Can't think of it right now, can't plan it, can't do anything. It just adds a moment of stress to my life which I cannot handle. And my passport's out of date too. Not sure I need it or not, but I use that as another poor excuse.
What the fuck would I have done there anyway? I haven't got the faintest idea. Anything I can think of would just have been a variation of what I do here at home, which is basically nothing, with the exception I'd be in a bigger city with even more people in it that I don't know.
It's all hopeless. I see nothing to brighten up my life, only missed opportunities, missed chances, missed moments. Lost seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years and decades. Thirty years of NOTHING that matters the slightest in the end! I have ZERO to show up as an accomplishment. I cannot feel truly fulfilled about anything I've done. The small victories I've managed pale so badly in relation to the enormous, gigantic failures I've suffered through. It's a terrible feeling, it makes me feel totally worthless.
I've said it before I don't take rejection well. I've been rejected four times recently, not directly, but by being ignored. How the hell am I supposed to find a person to love, I can't even get people to send me a fucking email for chrissakes! I get so angry when I think about it! I try to be pleasant and charming and the conversation is going really well I think, and in the end nobody cares about me!!!
The only company I got is a black befuddled fly trapped between two panes of glass in one of my windows. Poor fuck's wasting away in there, just like me. It's just that my prison is slightly larger, it's just as barren and un-nourishing however.
It's as bad as me now as it's ever been. Worse, I think.
I see NO hope, I hate everything, and I just want it all to end.
I hate my old classmates, I hate my "parents", I hate my friends, I hate my life, I hate myself, and I just want it all to end.
Emotions:
I am breaking apart, there is no stopping it.
I have been dying for years, even if I have not known it.
I cannot take this much longer, this never-ending nightmare.
I wish my life would have been different, then I'd have a chance.
I do not know how how all this will end, I have long since lost all hope.
I keep wishing for salvation, knowing there is no relief for me anywhere in this world.
I feel myself growing ever more brittle, ever more fragile: the slightest shock will break me apart.
I am breaking apart. There is no stopping it.
-Lenny,
Feb. 17, 7.03 P.M.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
The dark place that is me (3)
By: lenny on Fri, 12 April 2002 00:30 |
|
|
I care about you, Lenny.
By: tom on Fri, 12 April 2002 00:57 |
|
|
I don't know what has set you off Lenny...
By: charlie on Fri, 12 April 2002 01:41 |
|
 |
You have got us all very worried
By: Darren on Fri, 12 April 2002 02:48 |
|
|
Re: The dark place that is me (3)
By: Guest on Fri, 12 April 2002 12:48 |
|
 |
You've at least one thing to be proud of ...
By: mihangel on Fri, 12 April 2002 18:10 |
|
|
Hahaha, this is so funny... (Not!)
By: lenny on Fri, 12 April 2002 21:53 |
|
 |
Re: Hahaha, this is so funny... (Not!)
By: trevor on Sat, 13 April 2002 02:54 |
|
|
I did that in the USA
By: tim on Sat, 13 April 2002 13:53 |
|
|
Why did you go there?
By: trevor on Sat, 13 April 2002 17:03 |
|
|
Re: Why did you go there?
By: tim on Sat, 13 April 2002 17:07 |
|
 |
Nnnnhhhrrrgg!!!
By: lenny on Sat, 13 April 2002 19:10 |
|
|
Say "NO" to him
By: tim on Sun, 14 April 2002 09:12 |
|
|
I can't., really...
By: lenny on Sun, 14 April 2002 16:11 |
|
|
Hugs
By: tim on Sun, 14 April 2002 16:57 |
|
 |
Re: The dark place that is me (3)
By: Guest on Wed, 01 May 2002 19:53 |
|
|
Thank you Gene!
By: lenny on Thu, 02 May 2002 00:16 |
Goto Forum:
[  ] |
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
