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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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You know, yesterday was a very strange day for me.
As many of you will know, I have been trying to both locate and to meet a man, John. This is the man of 49 who is the boy I loved in 1965 when we were each 13 years old, and whom I have been obsessed with ever since. Those who look at that part of my website will know that I found him last June and spoke to him.
Some of you will know that I spoke to him again recently, and that he agreed to meet me. Put simply I phone him again at home and asked to meet. He said “Sure. Call me at the office and we’ll set the date”. And that is what I have been trying to do for the past 2 weeks.
Yesterday, Thursday 29 March 2001, he finally returned my phone call. Finally!
It wasn’t a simple call. I was in the car on the mobile, and as soon as we started to speak the connection dropped. He never remade the connection to me in person, but I got a voicemail message.
The gist of the message was “Ten our of ten for persistence in trying to find me. I reckon y0u have got the message now that I don’t want to meet. Nothing personal, I just don’t want to meet anyone form my past.”
The message was OK, but the tone of voice was weird. It got me thinking.
My first reaction was anger. Half at him for not wanting to see me, half at me for being so stupid as wanting to see him. But the anger was a five minute wonder. It has gone. Instead it has been replaced by the sure knowledge that he was a jerk. That he has always been a jerk. That I had fallen in love with a jerk. And that I was a jerk myself for allowing myself to put this boy on a pedestal.
Pretty? Maybe. Cute? Certainly. Handsome? Not so sure. But I am over him. After thirty five and a half years I am over him.
Last evening felt both tough, and good. I had a quantity of grief. I have some grieving to do.
I told my son all about it, and he was amazed. He has known I am gay for a year now. He didn’t know the details. He was amazed. And hugged me a lot.
I was going to meet him with my wife’s blessing. She was worried about how I took the rejection.
It is an AWESOME feeling. It is over. He is gone.
I am no longer obsessed.
Where I used to wake and call his name, now I am able to say “Jerk!”. He is a jerk. Fancy saying one day that we would meet, and yes he wanted to, and then avoiding me. Why not be decisive when asked the first time. He was, with hindsight, always a jerk. Always like that.
My rose tinted glasses are off. The pedestal is demolished. The statue is shattered. The love, the obsession is gone. I am free!
It feels good-ish right now. Soon it will feel GOOD.
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