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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Behind the scenes people write to me. One such perosn wrote to me after the huge condemnation of a large age gap between lovers as "always wrong". He is the younger in a relationship with an unusually great age gap and he is not particularly old.
He said he felt hurt and humiliated by the judgements being made. He felt worthless, a sex object, a fantasy, nothing more. And he resented that, for he has a fine brain and is not a sex object.
We discussed it, he and I. He is not hurt by what he sees to be reasonable caution about such a relationship. He was cautious as anythingbefore considering his own relationship. He realises that he is unusual and that the world would condemn the relationship out of hand without ever giving him a chance to explain his needs. And he saw that here. He saw judgement. Judgement against him, not against his older partner, but against him. And he was more than upset.
I saw his hurt.
Boxes such as this, once opened, cannot be closed. What can happen is that all who have made judgements rather than presented reasoned argument allowing for a small minority of such relationships to be valid, recognising that the vast majority can not be valid, can be told unequivocally that the judgemental attitude did harm and does harm. They can be asked to refrain from judgement and instead to contribute discussion.
This I have done. This each has reacted to well.
However, it was also and is also important for all of us to recognise that judgement has caused harm, and to hear clearly that whatever else we do here, we may not judge another person.
A while ago we expressed concern for one of our number who has isues with age group. We didn't judge him, or I hope we did not, but we over advised him. Each of us did that. But in this last case I saw judge, jury and executioner. Those I never wish to see again, hence my very serious warning to all of us.
We are people here whose role is to show that we may have differences but do not judge others for those differences. We must take great care, greater care, that those who lurk as well as those who post have their unseen needs met.
This matter is truly closed. The board will remain open. I have so far only removed a couple of daft posts and all the duplicates I can find, but I have not censored it, nor do I intend to censor it. I simply reserve the right to ensure that it stays open and free from judgemental posts or fights. And I will do everything in my power to ensure freedom as long as no-one abuses my trust by making judgements.
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