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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I just don't know what to do anymore!!!.......I found out today that my dad had a massive heart attack yesterday.....is in the hospital....needing some kinda major surgery.
And I just don't know what or how to feel right now!!!
I mean I don't know if I should feel concern for him or what...........it's just a long story, that I REALLY don't want to get into.
Apart of me does feel concerned about him..........then another part of me feels angry!! The man (who I really don't like calling dad) has a massive heart attack and lives. A man who's drinking was more important to him then his own kids. Yet my sister, who was a good hearted person who would do anything for anyone.......has a heart attack and dies.....at the age a 33. A man who only worried about where his next beer was, lives through his ........... grrrr....I just don't know what to feel right now. It is not like I want to see him dead or anything. In fact I don't know if I want to see him....which is another problem. Do I try to call or go see him?....I just don't know!!! I saw him for the 1st time in more then ten years at my sisters funeral............just over 6 months ago. His family have been trying to keep in contact with us (my brother and I). His sister asked us if we wanted anything from Memphis....her and her husband are there for the Elvis 25th anniversary thingy for his death. She is one of the ones who puts all this shit together......she is at least trying I guess........and it's been like 25 plus years since I saw her last.
I am just totally lost I what I should do!!!.......or how to feel!!
It is just one thing after another..........when the hell is it going to stop?
When am I going to be able to close my eyes and not have to relive every minute of the day my sister died and the days that followed?.....I can't sleep at night coz that is all I think of. I can not listen to music coz I hear a song that riminds me of her.....can't got out to eat at certain places coz it reminds me of her.......grrrr.......I am just sooooo frustrated with it already!!!
Now when I think of her, I think of my dad.....why did he get to live and she dies...........it's not fair!!!....I don't understand how this world works sometimes!!!!
Don't get me wrong it's not like I want to see him dead.....I just don't understand why one life is saved over another.
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