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Not sure where I'd be today had I not found this message board, and been able to use it as a safety valve, sharing opinions and feelings. Things have changed since that day when I made my first post here.
...And yet they haven't. One of them is I no longer feel comfortable sharing my innermost emotions, and that's a real problem. Because why am I here if not to do that?
How did this happen?
Well, to understand that, you have to know a little about the process I've gone through these past six months or so.
I was about as worn down emotionally as a person can be, and still be able to cling on to life. But I started telling about myself. Revealing who I am. It was a big step for me, scary in the beginning, then it became comforting, liberating.
I was changing physically too, like I've been telling you about. I've LOST about 25% of my body weight in fat, and transformed some more of it into a bit of muscle. That helped me too.
But that's not really what I want, nor what I need.
I shared of myself and benefitted from that, but in the process I also exposed myself. I was in hiding still, in relative safety. I also had a goal to look forwards to. It meant more to me than I realized myself then; Tim's birthday. It was everything for me. The only thing that mattered. Truly! EVERYTHING!
So I went to England. I went out of my hiding-place. It was great, despite the crappy weather. I couldn't have cared less about that, really (almost). For the first time I was Lenny to everyone, in everyone's eyes. That was great... It wasn't completely real, coz that's STILL not the name in my passport, but it was real enough anyway.
But I'm home again now, and many of you know what I look like. Either because you met me, or you've seen me in Tim's online photo-album. I'm not in hiding anymore, and while I don't really regret that, I'm not in hiding. I no longer have that to hide behind. I've been showing a more cheery myself for quite a while now. And I didn't want to 'disappoint' anyone by even hinting at the fact I'm maybe not feeling as happy as I thought I was. I've wanted to write this post for at least two weeks now, but not been able to make myself do it just for this very reason. I don't want to disappoint. To make myself less in the eyes of those I've gotten to know since I made those dark and moody posts in the beginning.
Like I said, I no longer feel completely comfortable here...
Those that have read my first posts know what it is I want, what I need, but I am still as much at a loss trying to find it now as I was then!
You know, I envy you married people. You may have given up on your preferred way of life, but at least you have SOMETHING.
Now that I'm past my trip to England I find I have nothing. I tried going on like I used to, but I can't. I'm finding it more and more difficult, I have one HELL of a motivation problem. I'm staying home, I don't even leave my apartement much though the weather's still fantastic (usually). I don't know what to do anymore now that I don't have a goal to aim at...
For me, it feels like I'm a whole generation too late to the party. Like all the fun's already been had... I missed the train, and it left without me.
I'm blue. Been for weeks. Months, really. Years, in fact. Decades. Only, I managed to suppress it for a while after coming here. But it was still there, it was only in hiding, in remission. My big, scary old friend that I've known all my life.
Also, it feels like I've become a bit of an institution around here, not taken for granted maybe, but... Oh, I don't know...
I get no joy out of it anymore. I feel like what I post has little meaning to me, less to anyone else. Like nobody gives a shit, least of all myself. I try my best, but I feel like I fall short every time. I fake it, trying to sound happy and carefree, but I'm not. Instead I find myself visiting here too often to see if there's been anything new posted, something that will pique my interest. Usually there isn't, and less often as time goes by.
I came here to find help, and for a while I did, but if it's not helping anymore...? What the FUCK am I to do then?
Yes, I'm blue.
Quasimodo:
The one you know is not the one I know.
I am different.
Knew I was different from as far I can remember.
I tried my best to become something.
I am not.
My best wasn't good enough.
Feeling lost and helpless, I should be old enough to find my own way.
My way led into a desert
The way out is out there somewhere, buried in the sand.
Just need to start digging.
Show some determination.
But do I have the strength to dig up a whole desert?
-Lenny
Aug. 29, 5:35 P.M.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I'm blue...
By: lenny on Thu, 29 August 2002 15:46 |
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Roller Coasters
By: tim on Thu, 29 August 2002 16:12 |
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Re: I'm blue...
By: e on Thu, 29 August 2002 16:51 |
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Re: I'm blue...
By: mike on Thu, 29 August 2002 21:24 |
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Hi Lenny!
By: nick on Thu, 29 August 2002 22:46 |
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Re: I'm blue...
By: Guest on Fri, 30 August 2002 01:37 |
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Lenny ?
By: smith on Fri, 30 August 2002 02:19 |
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Re: I'm blue...
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I told this to Nick yesterday...
By: lenny on Fri, 30 August 2002 20:43 |
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Re: I told this to Nick yesterday...
By: Guest on Sat, 31 August 2002 06:27 |
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Re: I'm blue...
By: setras on Sat, 31 August 2002 06:54 |
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I wish I'd said that
By: tim on Sat, 31 August 2002 09:31 |
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Bluish maybe....
By: marc on Sat, 31 August 2002 14:17 |
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A Few Words....
By: smith on Sat, 31 August 2002 15:10 |
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Re: A Few Words....
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Summer sky-blue, maybe?
By: lenny on Sat, 31 August 2002 16:46 |
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Blue is a beautiful color when viewed looking up.
By: charlie on Sat, 31 August 2002 17:55 |
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Whoaaa !!
By: smith on Sat, 31 August 2002 18:19 |
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Re: Summer sky-blue, maybe?
By: mike on Sat, 31 August 2002 21:01 |
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*Ahem* On the subject of trying...
By: lenny on Sat, 31 August 2002 23:51 |
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Re: *Ahem* On the subject of trying...
By: kevin on Thu, 05 September 2002 02:27 |
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i for one am glad your sky is clearing.
By: Guest on Mon, 02 September 2002 12:51 |
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Re: I'm blue...
By: kevin on Tue, 03 September 2002 04:59 |
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You have lots of friends here, Lenny.
By: trevor on Fri, 06 September 2002 04:05 |
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