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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Remember Stephen
Gabriel Duncan
The things I do. Decisions I make that can damn me for life. Like last weekend when I didn’t use a condom. The two guys before him that were the same. And I fucking gloat about this. I feel proud because I have some sort of bragging rights. But I did this because it felt good. Because it was fun. And now my body is itchy and red. Because he shaved me right before we had sex again. I took it like a champ, yeah. Even he gave me the option of a condom. But I declined. We can chalk this one up to the self-destructive thoughts that nothing can stop me now, ‘cause I don’t care anymore. And here’s that itchy reminder of my body . . . . Just like that fucking hickey I had when I cheated on the one before him with that slut. Yeah, I was gloating about that, too. I’m a fucking pimp. Because I’m a fucking slut. My body. Something so profound, trivialized and misused by yours truly. There’s no one else here to blame. I sorta wish there was.
I should stop right now before I get hurt. Before I get AIDS. But, why? This has become all I know. This sort of insecurity. This shit in my head that leads me to prove to other people that I am not a unique and beautiful snowflake. This shit in my head that would just stop if I started learning how to love myself. And realize that meaningless sex further lowers my self-worth. But it’s my interior circular bullshit guilt trip that keeps me like this. I want to believe this. Part of me, anyway. But there’s a place inside me that refuses any change. Good or bad. A place inside that is scared to do well. Because, then what? I may actually have some integrity? I may gain even an ounce of self-control? I may see a trick as something as meaningless and materialistic as it really is? Heaven forbid.
And I ask you: What can I do to make this stop? You tell me I have the answers. I need to love myself. HOW? Part of me thinks this medication will help. This shit not only stabilizes your emotions and makes you less depressed; but it makes you less promiscuous, as well. You and I both know that is bullshit. So what are you going to do now? How are you going to try and make this better? Remember Sammy Jenkis? Remember Stephen.
tell me what you think
--Gabriel Duncan
Http://lonelyocean.luniac.com
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Remember Stephen : Journal Entry of a Promiscuous, Self Loathing 16y/o
By: Guest on Tue, 22 October 2002 10:27 |
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Glad to see yu here Gabe
By: timmy on Tue, 22 October 2002 12:08 |
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remember
By: marc on Tue, 22 October 2002 12:22 |
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Welcome, Gabriel!
By: trevor on Tue, 22 October 2002 13:50 |
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Welcome Gabriel
By: gil on Tue, 22 October 2002 14:49 |
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It doesnt HAVE to be
By: ashley on Tue, 22 October 2002 19:43 |
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Re: It doesnt HAVE to be
By: Guest on Wed, 23 October 2002 03:13 |
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Re: It doesnt HAVE to be
By: trevor on Wed, 23 October 2002 04:46 |
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Re: It doesnt HAVE to be
By: ashley on Wed, 23 October 2002 05:04 |
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Hey Gabriel ~
By: smith on Thu, 24 October 2002 00:33 |
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