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I've been curious for a while about a certain subject. Now, before I ask this, I just want to say that I don't believe in the use of labels nor do I use them, but in this case I am using them only for the sake of convenience. The last thing I want to see this post do is turn into an out-of-proportion thing about labels, because that's not what I'm asking about.
Also, I hope this isn't too personal of a question to those of you who apply. You don't need to answer if you don't want to, I'm just merely curious.
I know that a few people here at the MB say that they are "gay", yet are married to women. So, for those people, I'm just wondering how you consider your sexuality. I mean, there's no need to label yourself, I just am interested to see what your take on it is...
Once again, I don't want to get into labels or anything, because this isn't what it's about. I've just been pondering this for a few days and I'd like to see what kind of responses I get.
-Tom 
"Whatever is sought for can be caught, you know,
whatever is neglected slips away."
Oedipus Rex, lines 126-127
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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This is quite easy.
Sexuality has more varieties than Heinz. It includes fixations with buildings, odours, all sorts of things. It also fultuates throughout life.
Kinsey's line of 100% gay to 100% str8 is a fiction, really, in that it is a subset of the totality of sexuality.
But for convenience I have always been gay but refused to acknowledge it. I just knew I loved one boy and was attracted to many. I had the good fortune to fall for a girl. Thsi did not strike me as odd. Rather I was relieved to be heterosexual. Only I am not.
I am gay, am not attracted to women or girls, and do not find the female form in general at all arousing. Just one girl, who is a beautiful lady. But Oh the guys...........
so Gay, AND married. not "Gay but married"
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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No Message Body
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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At least, not like timmy. I happen to love both men and women. My marriage was really borne of necessity as I was active military at that time and in order for the girl I was living with to accompany me on an overseas tour, we had to get married. (of course, in retrospect and given that we are now seperated, we probably should not have married.) But I find myself attracted to both sexes, and subscribe to both a men's magazine (Playboy) and a gay magazine (Freshmen) because the photos are stimulating (of course I just get them for the articles, doesn't everybody?) I guess the best way to describe me is to say that when I fall in love, the sex of the person is not a contributing factor.
Hugs, Charlie
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I have always been attracted more to males than females, though I am attracted to both. So to put a label on it, it would be bi, though I usually just say gay.
I have always repressed or denied my attraction to men. I never wanted to be gay. In terms of wanting to have a relationship, I don't seem to be attracted to gay men. The men (or boys when I was younger) who I fell for have never turned out to be gay.
I tried to live a "straight" lifestyle, but relationships with women never really worked. I just could never see myself in a long term relationship to a woman because I knew I would prefer a man.
Somehow it's different with my wife. Friendship and companionship are more important than sex. We are in love. We do have sex. But more importantly, we are friends and we enjoy each other's company. The fact that she is a woman doesn't really matter anywhere except in bed. I do enjoy the sex, but sometimes feel that something is missing.
Think good thoughts,
e
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Similar to e a bit.
I've never been very assertive or socially outgoing, so while I did have a best friend of each gender in my teen years, I only dated a few girls who were pretty much the aggressor. I'm also, frankly, not very "self-aware." My now-wife has been my only sex partner, and since my first week of college.  So, although I'm middle-aged, I kinda went with the flow all my life and only really figured it out about 2 years ago. The fact that we dated for 7 years before I committed to marriage probably should have been a tipoff, as well as many other small incidents throughout my life, in retrospect. Had my guy-friend wanted to snuggle during campouts, for example, or if I'd been just a bit more assertive with a couple guys in college, I might be in a different place in life right now.
I consider myself completely gay because a woman has never really turned my head and, in retrospect, guys have all my life.
Although I do enjoy sex with my wife as well as her companionship and love and friendship, in a way sex is mostly for her and not completely fulfilling. (Pardon the terrible pun.) I ended up with a lady who really needs her sex! I don't find her sexually attractive and don't know that I ever have per se, but I could never risk our otherwise wonderful relationship in order to simply try something else.
For me, the really emotional part is the closeness of snuggling anyway, and that's mostly gender-irrelevant. I do believe life is full of compromise, and a 21-year relationship with a wonderful person and now kids are not something to toss away, especially considering that we are closer than ever now that she knows me and understands me better now.
Okay, my question: I wonder if there aren't a few guys that are in a relationship with another guy for whatever reason but aren't "really" gay.
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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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With all due respect,I would be interested in knowing how many guys were upfront and honest with their girlfriends before getting serious..Also I would like to hear about any negative reaction when these women found out about being (the last to know). rob
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I was as up front with her as I was with myself. I otld her I was in love with a boy "Had been for 13 years". She took that as in the past and decided the box was closed.
The reaction years later was mixed, and loving.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I think each person is unique when it comes to this issue. Just as each of us defines our sexuality (some being honest with themselves and some not), each of us approaches relationships in our own way.
We may not be honest with women we do not love the way we say, or we deny the man we really want. For some, this is not the reality. Many may be “in love” with the one they marry, for others it is a ruse.
Many here have made choices in life, and hopefully they have been able to learn and grow from the experience. Some may regret these choices. My hope is that all are happy where they are now.
My only advice for the rest of us non-married folk is: Please do not judge, lest ye be judged. We have not lived in those shoes so we have no right to criticize.
Much love to all,
(Back to anti-war writing!)
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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That was just my fear of a question becoming an argument or a name calling thread. I am sure that wont happen here.
My apologies if I am overreacting.
Still a tad gun shy,
(no pun intended)
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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Aw hell--back to anti-war topic?--I think not..I got it-how about a pro-war topic.Come on guys,give us war mongers a chance.We deserve to be heard.War is glorious,it brings out the best and worst of men and women.Besides,it gives us warmongers a chance to poke fun at the peace mongers.Your faithful war- monger---rob
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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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Aw Timmy,who wouldnt fall in love with you.I fell in love with you sight unseen. rob
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Darren
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 190
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Well this is an interesting topic for me because I keep changing my mind. According to a definition that I read somewhere, bisexual is when you are attracted to (and can have sex with) both sexes, and I should be this. My problem, is that for every woman that does it for me, there are at least 20 men. For this reason, I like to think of myself as gay instead of bisexual. In addition, for some very stupid reason I have a problem with the word bisexual. I know this is wrong, but I think it describes a gay person that does not want to be gay or a straight person thats too kinky (if there is such a thing). Gay is gay and is easier for me and others to understand. The strange thing is my wife now prefers gay too (I think for the same reason). She used to want to think of me as bisexual.
What really counts is what you feel about yourself and about possibly being married to the wrong sex. This issue has given me much trouble, but I have finally come to a conclusion. Like Trevor (I guess) I was picked by my wife instead of the other way around. I too am shy and was not strong enough to approach a guy. When I found out that it worked with my wife and that I could have great sex with her, I figured that I was not gay. I screamed 'hallelujah jesus I am cured!!!'. However, with time my gay thoughts came back no matter how hard I tried to keep them out. After many years, I now know that I love my wife greatly, I enjoy sex with her and I cannot imagine finding a better life partner in a man. There is something that women have that men don't (and I don't mean boobs). They have a manner that adds so much to a family. I am happy to be able to experience this.
Finally, you may ask would you do it again. This is difficult for me to answer because I missed ever sharing love with a guy. For this reason, I don't think I would go the same route again (but it would be a tough choice). Regardless, I have no regrets.
Yes Tom a very long answer. I hope that it helps.
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No Message Body
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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Of course I was joking silly but on the other hand I remember playing WAR as a kid and it was fun! Lots of blood and gore! rob
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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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Fantastic post good friend. I too have some hangups about bisexuality,but your reply has given me a better insight on my own sexuality.I guess we are what we are and just do the best we can with the cards delt to us.Please stand tall and proud...You did good. rob
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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They are all pretty much labels and each conjours it's own image. They call them sexual "preferences" but I'm not sure that is a good definition. Like you Darren, I am easily much more attracted to men than women. About 80% of my sexual fantasies center around men. This was true even before I got married.
I disagree that Bisexual "describes a gay person that does not want to be gay or a straight person thats too kinky." IMHO a gay person who does not want to be gay so they seek the opposite sex is still gay. A straight person who has homosexual sex is still straight. Just my opinion.
I know that I have a strong sexual attraction to some women. I also know that I have a strong sexual attraction to even more men. But I am attracted to both. I am also a person who does not want to be gay (though I am more accepting of that now). I have used my attraction towards women to escape being gay. But while I tend to prefer to call myself gay, I do it because it is easier to understand, not because it is correct.
Think good thoughts,
e
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I want to explicitly point out, especially to our newer readers, that sexual orientation is not necessary a black or white thing, as was alluded to above.
My opinion is that's it's sometimes shades of grey between totally hetro and totally homo. Also, I know that orientation has changed for some over time, nearly a 180-degree switch in some people. I'm not just talking about how we label ourselves or accept our feelings - I mean the true feelings themselves.
Therefore, I think it's especially important to not label yourself/others except where it helps you explain yourself for your own convenience. I think "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer, too, in which case I suggest that we simply be open to possibilities and not be pressured by others or preconceived notions to "choose" an "orientation." Love takes many shapes and forms, as do lust and friendships.
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"Gay" and married? 
fluctuates, not fultuates 
Re: "Gay" and married? 
Re: "Gay" and married? 
