|
|
paul
|
 |
Getting started |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 8
|
|
|
Breaking the ice was hard. Anyway I got some time in the IT room in my lunch break, and no-one's here, so, well, me.
I'm scared. I'm at this big school and it's a mixed school and stuff, and I should like girls. More than like them. But they're silly. And I don’t want them. I don’t know if I want guys, not exactly, but I want one. Only I don’t like him. I just want him. And I let him hurt me coz I want him so bad.
Do things change as I get older? Do I stop wanting a guy and start wanting girls? I mean I've looked at porn and naked girls don’t do anything for me. Never seen any naked bloke porn, so I don’t know, but...... Well I want him to touch me.
I only ever told smith before, and not really told him. And he said to come here. I just better press send before I chicken out.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
paul
|
|
Getting started |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 8
|
|
|
I forgot to say. Sorry. I think it's going to be ok here.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
paul
|
|
Getting started |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 8
|
|
|
That story must have got to me more than I thought. Well I said "press" instead of "hit", but I didn't mean to. Anyway I shouldn't be here coz I'm sitting at a screen in a lesson, but no-one's looking.
I feel very brave suddenly. Not brave enough to tell him or anything. Like I said I don't actually like him at all, but he's so.... I don't know what he is. It makes me feel good and scared at the same time. Oops, got to go!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hey man, Well I'm not old enough to know if things get better but Who knows I mean they say your personality changes every 15 or so years... Speaking of 15 thats how old I am my names Andy. I have only been here about a week so I'm new too. I'm sorry you're at a big school that can't be fun mine only has maybe 1,000 kids so it's kinda nice. Yeah so my favorite thing in the whole world is the wilderness (trees are so peaceful and they can't judge you I love it).
For the other peeps on the board to help you, ya need to give them a little more info about your problem. So just give us a few more details and soon lots of people will be offering you advice..
Feel free to email me If you wnat to talk. I'm really nice TomS is even cooler then I am though... He'll probably post something soon
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
tim...of usa
|
 |
Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
|
|
|
Go forth under the open skies and listen to natures teachings.
Willian Cullen Bryant
1842
i to love the out doors and you can find so much peace there it is scary at time
peace
tim...of USA
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
tim...of usa
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
|
|
|
No Message Body
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
tim...of usa
|
|
Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
|
|
|
why cant you bro...we are here for you in good times bad times happy times and scary times too.
your at a cross road in your young life and NO one says you have to pick whcih path to go down right now. take your time get to know yourself better and then when the time comes you will know which path is the one for you.
take a step back
deep breath in...hold it
and let it out nice and slow.
peace
tim...of USA
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
trevor
|
 |
Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
|
|
|
I want to attempt to answer your questions a bit, but don't feel especially qualified. I'm not very "self aware" and ignored some of the same feelings you expressed for most of my life - one or two guys who gave me that feeling.
I can tell you that for many guys who find other guys interesting, attractive, beautiful, sexy - no, it won't disappear or change to women, although your thoughts, ideas, and needs may change over time. But then, we are all a bit different, and I do know at least one guy who has changed "orientation" over time. I can only advise you to consider your feelings without worrying too much about labelling yourself or your feelings, especially if you've only thought about one person and haven't really been exposed to erotica or porn.
More on that at the bottom of the Gay and Married thread if you haven't fallen asleep and are absolutely on the edge of your seat due to my overwhelming wisdom imparted here! Well, hey, I gave it a shot at least. 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
What thing? Just three simple words. "Everybody is different".
I have read about people's confusion and sometimes anguish about wanting a person of the same sex as themselves and especially in the beginning I went, 'huh?' a lot.  You see, this has always been so clear to me. Just about everything else is very muddled, but the guy thing - very simple. Guys have always been in my thoughts, so it actually feels kinda natural for me.
What I never experienced though was wanting this particular person, like you do. I still haven't, twelve-odd years after leaving school. All the guys I found attractive were either unpleasant or indifferent towards me, so I didn't fall for them, and none of my friends were my type.
So you see... People really are different.
Now, in what way all this is supposed to help you, I don't know! Except, maybe sharing some of me will help you share some of you. The more we know each other, the more comfortable we feel in each other's presence. ...Or something. We gotta start somewhere, right?
Now, as to your question... I can't say if you'll stop wanting guys. Apparantly, this varies from person to person as well. It hasn't changed for me by the way. If anything, they've become MORE desireable actually.
What can change though is your feelings for a particular person. You want someone, but you are letting him hurt you. Not a good base to build any kind of relationship, be it one on either friendly or romantic terms. It could well be that you'll grow resentful of the guy instead, you let him hurt you but you get nothing in return from him except more abuse.
I would recommend you start there. Get him to stop mistreating you, be it verbal insults or whatever it is he is doing to you. This should be top priority before you think of anything else. How does your school handle bullying? Is there any kind of action plan at all?
Hope everything works out for you!
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
Take your time. The only rush is one that you create. Don't worry too much about it. Just talk when you are ready or when you can
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
paul
|
|
Getting started |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 8
|
|
|
You were right, smith. People here are friendly. I tried a few other places and got really put off. They looked friendly, but they weren't. Anyway I'm in the IT room again, and it's lunchtime. I try to avoid school lunch.
It's not bullying. Its just hurting. I don’t even know if he knows he does it. Anyway he's my age, I suppose. I've known him since we both joined the school, and he was a bully then. He isn’t now. He's just a shit. I lend him stuff, and have to ask so often for it back. And he doesn’t take care of it. He never lends me stuff when I ask him. It isn’t real hurt, it's in my head. We have the same lessons, are in the same year. Well that’s obvious really.
I'm having trouble getting to the point.
Oh, Tom. Got your email, but my PC crashed and I had to go to bed, so, well, will this do as an answer?
He's nothing special, not really. I don’t suppose I am either. I know I'm not. Only he's wonderful. And he ignores me one day and talks to me the next. And he's got a girlfriend. And THAT hurts worst. He's got this soft light moustache I wish he'd shave off, too. That hurts, seeing him look stupid. It's only bumfluff and just looks dirty. And I want to kiss him.
I mean kiss. Only I think I mean more. But I don’t want sex. I mean I do. I just don't like what gay men do. Except with him I think I would. But it all sounds so yucky. Only I think I love him, except I don’t know because I've nothing to compare it with. And I want him to be nice to me. I mean I know he's not ever going to want me.
I just can’t see how anyone will love me ever. Not someone I want, anyway. And that hurts too.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Guest
|
 |
On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
|
|
|
Hey Paul
Been there, done that. It's hard now but it will get better. You have come to a Good Place. We will look after you. Take your time, don't rush.
Take care
Oli (aka Spunky Frog)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
You see I was pretty similar to you. Not sure how old you are, BTW, did you say anywhere? I fell for one at 13. Never saw a girlfriend, and eventually he married, but the thing is I never got over him for years.
It is impossible to put them out of your mind. So you need to create some form of closure. Only declaring undying love to another boy, especially if you don't really know if you want to do "things" with him if he should say "Wow, let's do things together" (unlikely, BTW) is a bit hard to do.
Actually I've lost the idea I started with because the uncertainty about sex and stuff hit me between the eyes. Not that you should have sex, far from it, but I lost the thread
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
trevor
|
|
Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
|
|
|
He doesn't sound very considerate, anyway - not someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with, bare your soul to, tell your secrets, or, frankly, let have his way with you.
I just read (and forgot!) some scary statistic about the percentage of teens in abusive relationships. I have a gut feeling a lot of "straight" teen guys would probably have a "relationship" with a gay guy if they could get what they wanted out of the deal, which is easier if you're in the closet.
What do you find attractive about him - face, body, walk, voice, style, smell, dress, hair, attitude? You can and will find these in someone who is NICE and will LIKE you and may grow to love you if it isn't immediate. You do know 1 in 10 guys is gay, right? That is a lot of fish in the sea! Average of 2 or 3 per classroom. Granted, maybe half of them won't figure it out for awhile, I'm guessing. Yes, I know, you're infatuated with HIM and this is all quite logical and easier said than done.
About sex: (1) Don't do anything you don't want to do, that "doesn't feel right" or isn't gladly given on your part. There are so many ways to express love and also to give sexual gratification. No need to rush any of it. Not everyone likes all the ways to make love, but I can tell you that (2) it's amazing what you can and will do in a lustful moment in a loving relationship. THAT isn't as dirty as you'd think but it does require patience and caring. Therefore (3) please oh please use protection, and be prepared with protection even if you don't plan to use it, if there is any chance at all of needing it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
paul
|
|
Getting started |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 8
|
|
|
What I think I'm going to do is try to accept he's not ever really even going to be a friend. Only that is so tough to do, and I don’t know how to do it.
I can’t get his face out of my head though. At night, alone, I mean. Last night I even dreamt he was nice to me, holding me, dancing to slow music, cheek to cheek. It was one of those dreams that sort of seeps back after you wake up and want to get back into. It was so safe and sweet. In the dream he didn’t love me or anything, but understood. And he held me. Lucky it isn’t school today or I’d be tempted to tell him.
The thing is, at parties I've danced with girls like that, and it felt different. OK, this was a dream, but it was a different feel to the body. So I think I must at least be bisexual. And I liked this feeling best, so I'm probably....... I don’t really want to say it. I don’t want to be it.
Maybe I'll tell someone I trust. Only I'm still fifteen, and nothing's legal until next year, and I don’t really want to do things, only I do, but it can’t be with him but I still want it to be because he's so adorable. Not adorable. Sexy. He oozes sex. You can smell it, pretty much. And it sucks me in. I so want to touch him and have him touch me. Only there's no going back, is there, after that?
Anyway he's a shit. I do know he's a shit. But...... I want him so bad
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
It sounds like you realise that already. And I know it's hard because you see the guy every day. But if he has hurt you before he will hurt you again.
Do not be in any hurry to put labels on yourself. It is not uncommon for boys to have "crushes" on other boys at school and, if you do, it does not necessarily follow that you are gay. Keep an open mind for now.
If you know someone you can talk to and trust then that's great. Maybe your school has a counsellor whom you could speak to in confidence? There are also a number of books and websites to help young people who are coming to terms with their sexuality. Some of these are better than others, but you may find something helpful. But when you surf the web, remember that the computer records the websites you are visiting so don't do this somewhere where you risk potential embarrassment.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
smith
|
|
On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
|
|
|
Paul~
I know it's hard as heck to look away but that guy sounds like a bully and he won't change. I know we all have this tendency to want to look at "the bad boy" but he's what you 'want', not what you need. He wouldn't be gentle or kind....and that's real important for you right now.
I know I don't have any experience either but I do know about bullies and I know they get off on hurting people. Look all you want but please don't leave yourself open for the grief he could hand you.
At our age, friends are so important. More important really than thinking we can find any kind of love. It only happens in stories.....that's why we read them, so we hope we'll recognize it when it does come along. Hang in there; you'll make it. Nick is right.....just go with being happy and don't make any decisions about 'who' you are or 'what' you are right now. You're just "Paul" and that's a wonderful thing to be
Just my POV {{hugs}}
smith
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
paul
|
|
Getting started |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 8
|
|
|
I mean on one hand I feel pretty grown up. On the other I know I'm not. I know I couldn't run away with him or anything, and I do know he's a shit.
I want him to like me. Or if he does I want him to show it. But he won't. So I'll try, I suppose, to keep away from him.
I'm going to try not to be gay, too. At least I'm going to try to get into girls. So many of you've managed to be married and have kids and stuff. I like kids.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Guest
|
|
On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
|
|
|
Hello Paul, i am 16 years old and i know exactly how you feel. I have the same questions you do, the same feelings, the same anxieties. It feels like you will never be able to get that guy. I know how it feels.
Everyone here has told you the same thing, not to rush things. Well to calm all those feelings down, i like to think of one thing. I tell myself: "The best packages always arrive late and those are the ones that are worth waiting for" So don't rush things. There is somebody out there that is right for you. He might come today, tomorrow, or next week, i don't know. If i were you, i will there waiting.
Hopefully my words will help you in some way. Just like live your life to the fullest everyday and don't try to suffer for somebody that probably doesn't even deserve it.
Take care and if it helps i think your a great person on the inside.
((((Hugs)))) Miguel
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
trevor
|
|
Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
|
|
|
Raising kids is the toughest "job" in the world, although the most rewarding, too. It is a lifetime commitment, which is part of why I'm "pro choice." There is also no training for it so it's definitely learning through mistakes. It takes love and forgiveness, but also patience and strength - the ability to do what's best rather that what's "nicest" sometimes.
There are plenty of kids out there who need parents, and really quite a few ways to become a "parent." So, that dream can probably be realized with a soulmate of either gender, or on your own. I have 2 wonderful adopted sisters, for example. People who become foster parents also sometimes end up adopting those they've come to love. I think it will become significantly easier for "non traditional" families to be formed in these ways very soon.
You might also consider becoming a mentor or working in a childcare environment. My hubby and I work in the nursery at church so we get to play with babies (rather than making another one!)
You have time to think about it, but being married and gay is not easy for us or our poor wives. If she wasn't truly my soulmate or my first lover or I didn't love her enough to see past her form, we probably wouldn't be together today.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
It is possible to set it aside if you have the love of a special girl. It is posisble not to restrict fantasies to boys, or this one boy.
I can tell you how hard it is to do, and that it may or may not be possible.
I would rather you learnt to become content with Paul as he is, not a modification of Paul as he might be. I married by accident, not as a concious act. Or I think I did.
Your concept of avoiding the brat (well he IS), is a good one. In school it may be difficult, but it is still good. And girls are good to hold, dance with and kiss. Later you will also try making love. DO make it later not sooner. Everything will function. What you will have to determine is if lovemaking is right for you in this context. From the lines I'm reading between it probably will be.
I like the idea of talking to someone you trust.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
No Message Body
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
Oh and thanks for all the welcomes and stuff 
Hi Paul. 
Re: I can't believe I'm doing this 
