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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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A friend advised me to share an update with some good friends who will understand: things have gone from bad to worse at home. My wife, who has known about my orientation for four years has become more and more emotionally abusive.
She'll go out to sulk on the living room couch. If I don't come out to console her, she starts hitting the couch or table tops very hard with full force of her harms. I fear that our son will be awakened and share in the terror.
When I come out to console her, I sit on the couch with her and she slams things hard within my proximity. I know that this is not physical abuse, but I am a whimp. When she slams things I jump and gasp, and then she makes comments like "I'm not going to really hurt you." Then I shake like a leaf. I tell her anything she wants to hear: I love her, I want to improve the marriage. What I really wish is that she would get killed in a traffic accident. Then I would be free from her endless punishment.
I am being punished for being the gay member of a fundamental right wing marriage. Helpless to do anything. Of course, if I were to react in any negative way (and I don't), she can call the police or the church and complain about abuse because she is female. If I called to do the same I would be laughed at and I would be considered the root of the problem, since I'm gay and she's normal, poor persecuted woman...
It got so bad on my birthday (such a day to remember) that I went to my private emergency stash and got all my money in cash so that I could make a deposit on an apartment the next day. But I can't do it. If I leave she will redirect her anger on my son. I know this because she did it with our older kids, transfering her anger and intimidation from one to the other as each left the nest. When it was my daughter's turn to be her whipping boy, my wife bloodied her face because she wouldn't practice the piano. Since then I told her that if she ever touched our children again I would call child protective services.
Know I understand why women who are abused cannot leave. At least there are safe houses for women who must escape their marriages. There is nothing like this for men in my area.
Thanks for listening.
I think it is my guilt... being the black sheep, the gay man that keeps me from taking action. I have enough money now for first month's rent and deposit on a little slum tenement.
God help me live through one more night at home.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I wish I had some serious comfort to give you.
It seems to me that your marriage is over. You are feeling terrified and stressed, and you are likely to make yourself ill.
The only way out of this is either peacemaking or divorce. Each has its place.
I do appreciate that you fear for the children. It is posisble that they will be treated better by her with you gone. You deserve a life and so does she. Shackled to each other is no life for either of you.
I rarely advise separation, but I think, now, it is the thing you have to do. Be aware, though, that the grass is not greener alone, nor is a gay relationship any easier than a str8 one.
Plan your campaign for access to the children with care and without visible emotion, and be a model temporarily celoibate gay man. After all you are "cured" 
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Can we give Brent the support he needs? I know there are great guys out there who will have relevant and pertinent things to say. Please do let him know he is not alone. Brent, you are NOT alone. You know already what my advice is...
O
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warren c. e. austin
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Likes it here |
Location: Toronto, Ontario, CANADA
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 247
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Brent, it goes without saying that you have our support.
You also need to get out of your marriage.
Give due consideration to Timmy's thoughts. He speaks the truth.
Your wife is waging a campaign of terror. She reads you only too well, my friend. I've lived a similar situation for 5-years now, and frankly it's been 4-years and 364-days too long.
Your wife's behaviour is criminally physological abuse, and were you both residing here in Canada, she could be charged, found guilty, and sent to prison for that behaviour; as could the leadership and congregation of your Church.
Brent, must think only of yourself at this time; not any other, including your children. You will not be able to do either they, or yourself, any good if you have gone around-the-bend, committed suicide, or murder.
Get out. Get help, and get healthy. Then fight like hell to get your children away from her and those who influence her.
Warren C. E. Austin
Toronto, Canada
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Look to your email.....
Theres more.......
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I am sorry to hear that things have deteriorated even further. I cannot advise you to stay or to leave, but I can give you some things to consider.
Your wife seems to be hitting and slamming things whether you are in the room or not. It is possible that your son will be awakened whether you stay in your room or come out. It may be safer to stay away.
Is there a reason that you can't take your son with you if you leave? Is there a reason you can't go to stay (visit) your adult children for a while? If your wife has a history of physical violence against your other children, would they be willing to testify to this in court? Such testimony could be used to gain custody of your son.
I would strongly suggest going to the local police station, not necessarily to file a complaint, but to talk to an officer about your options. Don't just assume that they will laugh at you(though they might). Ask to see someone in the unit that handles domestic violence cases, they will be more willing to listen. Describe the situation. Also contact one of the domestic violence programs in your area. Even if they don't have a place for you to stay because you are a man, they may be able to help. A local gay organization might also be of some assistance.
You are going to need to do something. Don't remain isolated. Isolation omly increases risk. Find help.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Domestic violence against men is a little more common than you may think.
Talking to the people that deal with these situations on a daily basis might give you some insight into options previously unrecognized.
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I told my friend Nick just now your marriage sounds a lot like my adoptive parents' marriage.
So really, I'm much like your son I guess.
For the love of god - and your child - get him out of that hell. Please, I beg you. So much of my current situation is because of my crazy mom.
He deserves a chance at a decent life, a safe life away from all that "excitement".
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I went searching for websites that might help you. I'm posting the page that advises you. I'm young but I care very much about you and your son.
http://www.dvmen.org/dv-51.htm#pgfId-1310050
{{hugs}} smith
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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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WOW!!!!!! what an eye opener!!! What I dont understand is why gay guys get married to females in the first place--yuck!!! Unless there is some sort of understanding BEFORE the marrage. I would hope that that understanding be in writing. rob
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I know. I know.
I've been reading and reading everything, every link, and more about emotional abuse. Up until a week ago, I thought she was the victim. I can't stand victim mentality... so often these days everyone claims to be a victim.
Well, hell, me too, I guess.
I know that today I am in the abused-phase where I deny that things are that bad, since I haven't been emotionally terrorized now for 48 hours, and that things will get better. They always do.
Like I said, I know I'm way, way into denial right now. I do have my cash cache hidden under the floormat in my car... I will have to be very careful not to get into it, but it feels safe inside to know that if I must get out fast I will not have to first go to my friend's house to get it. I will be more likely to make a deposit on an apartment and brace myself for her terrorist attacks.
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rbryce
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Likes it here |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 216
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why wait until SHE starts her terroristic attacks? A pre-emptive strike is indicated here.What the hell does it take guy for you to gather the courage and or GUTS to take a stand and just say THIS IS WRONG!!! By the way,if this woman has access to your computer,you might find another place to hide your (STASH). An investment in a voice activated recorder just might be smart.Keep it on your person and DO talk to your son!
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share the terror 
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